Its Over

[Serjicalstrike 0]

Over the last 2 weeks myself and Ashley (Midicat) have been having problems with our relationship, many of which were caused by the stress of the distance and flaws in our personalities. Today we had an argument so heated that we blocked each other from our instant messaging program after saying some utterly hateful and unforgivable things to each other.

I post this here because I want others to learn from the mistakes I have made causing this complete degeneration of our relationship to the point that we may never speak to each other again.

The mistakes i have made:

Letting the distance get to me. Being apart for months at a time put so much strain on me, and eventually i caved in and let it cause me to act in a way that i am not normally capable of. I became Selfish, Paranoid, Jealous, and Overwhelmingly Controlling.

Taking what we had for granted. I became more and more detached from Ashley due to us both taking what we had for granted, stopping doing the little things that meant so much for each other. Complacency is an evil thing.

Due to the things I posted above, and through the lack of physical interaction, and eventually emotional interaction too, Ashley and myself are as of now no longer engaged to be married, or indeed even considered 'an item'. Letting ourselves give in to our anger and saying terrible, hurtful things to each other has damaged our relationship beyond repair.

I am heartbroken at the loss of such a beautiful thing as the love we have shared over the past 5 years, but now it is time for me to begin doing something different with my life. Maybe one day i will recover enough to get back on the dating scene...

[Alex+R 0]

Sorry to hear about that. You've been together 5 years, your interview is only 2 weeks away, and you're throwing it all now? Don't you want to postpone the interview and have a visit together to try to reconnect? I'm worried that it's just the stress of the process that's got to you.

I know it's your life and I'm not trying to pry, but then again you did post all that personal stuff in this forum, so I'm guessing you won't be offended.

[Ta Ta 1]

I am sorry for you both ....tomorrow is another day...maybe it will work out

after all. Words can damage that is true but forgivenes and love are greater !

[Serjicalstrike 0]

Thank you for your kind words, but right now i feel i am undeserving, 90% of the reason for the breakdown in our relationship was, sadly, my fault. I let it all get to me, and said what in all honesty, is completely inexcusable, but as they say "love breeds the purest hate".

I have tried to go the postponing the interview and having a visit route, sadly Ashley refuses to do this, which only makes this ending all the more painful

[DavidEvgeniya 0]

That is a great shame.

To waste so many years with such short words. It may be worth while one of you contacting the other. If you both said some hateful things, then neither one is right or wrong.

You are both probably going through the same thought process at the moment. What ever the choice I hope it is for the best.

[j-manu 0]

Thank you for your kind words, but right now i feel i am undeserving, 90% of the reason for the breakdown in our relationship was, sadly, my fault. I let it all get to me, and said what in all honesty, is completely inexcusable, but as they say "love breeds the purest hate".

I have tried to go the postponing the interview and having a visit route, sadly Ashley refuses to do this, which only makes this ending all the more painful

Sorry to learn of your situation. Ending of any relationship is very hard mentally, emotionally and physically. I is good that you have been able to reflect on your part of the breakdown, but I want to assure you that a relationship is a two way street and both parties have to take responibility in the relationship. Now is a good time to reflect and heal, but don't punish yourself. Best of luck and your got some prayers coming your way.

Peace

[Alex+R 0]

Thank you for your kind words, but right now i feel i am undeserving, 90% of the reason for the breakdown in our relationship was, sadly, my fault. I let it all get to me, and said what in all honesty, is completely inexcusable, but as they say "love breeds the purest hate".

I have tried to go the postponing the interview and having a visit route, sadly Ashley refuses to do this, which only makes this ending all the more painful

Are you just posting here to get your message across to Ashley? Awww ok you should just wait and maybe she'll come around.

[Serjicalstrike 0]

A part of me perhaps wants to get the message out to her, i would be lying if i said otherwise. however, i also wanted to get my story out and let other people learn from the stupid petty mistakes i have been foolish enough to make.

[Ta Ta 1]

Love is strong enough to wash away words said in anger.

You are too close to the finish line to turn back now.

I suggest you ask her to forgive you and show her that you are willing to change and learn a better approach with counseling to handle the issues at hand.

You can not change her but only yourself. Learn that you have no control

of the circumstances and allow yourself to build a foundation of trust.

Give her some time to process what happened.

[Mags 112]

Although we have only heard your side of the story, I think it is very honest of you to post your news here. I can't help but think though that now you have realised the problems and addressed them, perhaps you two can work it through. I'd suggest not taking any immediate action with the interview (cancelling it, postponing it etc) and giving Ashley a few days to get herself together.

One thing that does worry me slightly is that some people don't like having their business posted all over message boards; if you are trying to contact Ashley through here, it may backfire if she doesn't like people knowing all of this. I hope it doesn't though and I have my fingers crossed that you two can work this out.

Five years together is an achievement; it seems such a shame to break up when you are both so close to your goal. The visa process is one of the most stressful things I think any couple can go through and I've always said that if a couple can make it through this, then they can make it through anything.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Quinn 2]

I am so sorry that this happened. But maybe it's not permanent? Ernest broke up with me once near the beginning of our relationship while we were apart. He wanted to save me from the heart break of a very long distance relationship, where we'd be apart more than we'd be together. I talked him out of it the next day. Granted, I know it's not the same situation at all, but maybe this is something you can work through. I strongly believe that the one amazing gift i have received from being apart from the man i love is that I have learned how to really communicate with him. I also believe that our relationship is so strong because we're forced on a daily basis to just talk to each other.

You're so close to the end of the nightmare-ish visa process, aren't those 5 years worth fighting for? Even if the end is, as you believe, your fault, then you have it in your power to do something about it.

I'm sorry, i really don't know much about your situation, so I hope i'm not being pushy, but I know about my own...and after so long with someone I loved, going through such a horrific ordeal of being apart for so long, I would want to fight for that relationship, and I'd want people cheering me on!

Edited June 6, 2007 by Quinn

[Serjicalstrike 0]

whoops i see this has been moved (sorry mods i'm not very good with posting in the right place)

anyway, the problem with me not taking any rash action now, is that Ashley leaves for vacation on saturday and doesn't come back until 2 days before my interview, she hasn't sent me a few things for my interview, and she doesn't intend to. she is welcome to post her side of the story, and the entire truth of how much of a terrible person i have been will come to light, unless she also wishes to skirt the main issue and post things simply from her perspective. i wasn't wanting to divulge too much information about what exactly transpired as it is not really required to give that information to be able to say that i have been wrong, and that nothing i can do now will fix that.

again thank you all for being sympathetic and offering comforting words. i am 95% to blame for this happening and do not truly deserve them.

[JVKn'CVO 11]

It breaks my heart when I hear about couples breaking up on VJ

I'm really sorry that you're going through this

Hope you can work things out

Caro,

[Disco 0]

I've said it before and I'll say it again, fighting long distance is the worst. It's impossible to do the "don't go to bed angry" thing. The problem is you can't resolve an arguement over something you have no control over (not that I know whaz' up w/ chew).

Go to bed my friend. There's nothing to be done now. Let go and get some rest.

[Lance27 19]

This is such a sad post. It pains me to see that you guys did not even start to enjoy eachother and it has already ended. This whole process is really trying for couples and all I can say is that it does take a toll on people no matter what.