family issues and VAWA.

[TBoneTX 45,304]

You have to decide whether this is the quality of "life" that you wish to lead.

We can never get back time, once it's gone.

When I got out of my situation, I wondered what had taken me so long to act.

The feeling of freedom and relief was, and remains, indescribable.

[Villanelle 4,122]

but I don't want to file for vawa in case we seperated because it will just make me look like I am doing it on purpose and I am making up this stuff. I do not want to separate from her because I do love her, I love the good side of her. however it feels things are getting more intense from her side. her telling me good luck with the green card made me wonder her true treatment. it's also hard to describe such treatment when you're not personally involved in such abusing relationship. what peace of mind is there when she'd throw the "I conttol you because of the green card" statements every time she would not have this going her own way because I asked if I can do simple things. what about the whole year I spent working and bought a car. the professional connections I made. all the stuff I built to be thrown away.

Again I think you are misunderstanding what VAWA is and is not.

You are saying I dont want to file for VAWA after we separate because then it will look like I am just doing it (filing that way) to get a benefit. I think the smarter way is to file while we are still together.

This is a totally wrong way of thinking and NOT at all how the process works. Almost all VAWA applicants file AFTER leaving their spouse. Only a very few and rare amount file while still co-habitauting together.

While you are technically allowed to file and still be married (that happens often) but co-habituating together it just doesnt happen. VAWA is either based on physical abuse or mental abuse or both. To speak bluntly once you file charges or contact the police about physical abuse you are put in contact with a social worker type who will help and encourage you to leave. For mental abuse once you start going to the consular- something you need to do to get the proof for the VAWA forms- you will get help in leaving. To tell USCIS I am being abused and can not have my spouses assistance due to the abuse but am NOT leaving my spouse IS suspicious and unnatural. Following the 'normal' VAWA process of separating before or during the filing of the forms is normal.

--

As Tbone said above you need to decide what you are going to do. Immigration does not punish the wronged. If you are righteous and true there is an immigration path for you- its not something you should worry about. USCIS has tons of forms and processes to accommodate every legitimate situation.

My personal opinion- if your wife is mentally ill and you wish to stay with her- she needs to get counselling,. Its the only way. If you do that you do not need VAWA because VAWA is for people who have no support. You would have the support of your wife. USCIS uses the carefully chosen words- bonafide marriage. Not happy marriage. Thats for a reason.

If your wife refuses to get help OR you simply choose to leave the situation due to the abuse she is inflicting because of her mental illness then you would be able to use VAWA.

Edited September 5, 2015 by Damara

[hoalhash 5]

Actually after last night I have decided to end it with her. I am only s human being and I only have so much capacity to fight for a marriage to be good. yesterday I took her to an art gallery and I mentioned to her before that I may go see my friend afterward who I have not spent time with for almost a month. I told her she was invited due to her previous accusations that I don't invite her because I don't want her to be there. she said she was okay with it. then later on when we got home after the art gallery it was nine pm. I was putting proper clothes on and she said she is feeling tired and if we can go out tomorrow [saturday]. I said yes definitely. then she said that I must be happy that she cant go so I can do my own thing. I said what do you mean be happy ? there is no legitimate reason for me to be happy. I understand you're tired. ill go see him for an hour and return. she said oh thats you do all the time. you wanna go hang out with your friends and leave me here like a slave. you don't want t be around me. I said to her that I was with her the whole day and took her out to the art gallery and even got her dinner. she said that doesn't count. the whole time the daughter was down stairs listening to our conversation. she then said to go abd lick my friend's ###. I am probably gay or something. I said to her not to say this kind of things in front the daughter. it is inappropriate also I am not gay because I go visit a friend. then she kept calling me names like mother ef and worthless and same thing...not care for her and this is all I do. I told her she is selfish for tripping on me for leaving for one or two hours to visit a friend and she has trust issues. she said she will eventually trust me. I said when like ten years from now? I am not going to live like this. it is not my fault. she said she wanted me to stay home with her coz she wasn't feeling good but I dont care. I said you're always not feeling good when I happen to be out of your sight. like she even questions me for my job. asks me if I talk to any attractive girls there and if I'm going to meet someone who will treat me better st my new job. I told her that I can no longer argue as I have my energy drained out. I am leaving the house. then she said oh wow you don't even care.l. and that if I leave then it is my decision to separate and thst is my choice. I said I am not makt a choice. why every thing has to either go your way or it is over. I told her I no longer care and I am leaving. she said f u you go choose the world. come tomorrow and pack ypur stuff to leave.

[TBoneTX 45,304]

Actually after last night I have decided to end it with her.

I only have so much capacity to fight

I am not going to live like this.

I have my energy drained out. I am leaving the house.

I no longer care and I am leaving.

A million thumbs up!

[Jacque67 7,328]

Well done! Stay strong!

[Sarah K 5]

She is 3 years older. She is the USC. I guess what I meant is friends who you get to socialize with on regular basis, invite you for dinners, check on you, come visit you. She really don't. Not that I mean it in a bad way. I lived here 5 years and managed to make friends from school, friends through some family members, friends through friends. I know it sounds odd, but it is the reality, she has hard time to create a friendship. She moved from a different state 2 years ago.

People find it odd and don't believe you because they have never come across it in their lives before.

I don't find any of it odd at all, that is because my wife's personality is similar to yours.

I believe she has borderline personality disorder. I have been with her for nearly 10 years and the only reason is because of my kids. She refuses to believe that she has any problem.

Sorry to say, but if your wife refuses to get help for her borderline then I would call it quits. Sometimes leaving and not threatening to leave is the only way for her to get help. Don't be surprised if she manipulates you with threats of suicide.

You will need to seek therapy for yourself.

[TBoneTX 45,304]

Sorry to say, but if your wife refuses to get help for her borderline then I would call it quits.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/564115-family-issues-and-vawa/?p=7803222