worried and depressed (going to waterloo wi)

[sadavis5 46]

Would it be possible to visit your fiance for a month or two and see how you like the area? That would give you a more realistic picture of what life would be like there.

If you do decide that you could live there, you can get married and do the CR1 visa - with this visa you can start work right away.

[TBoneTX 45,329]

Diane79,

Twice, you mentioned your potential intent to work illegally upon your arrival to the U.S. Such statements would normally risk the closure of this thread, at minimum. However, they seem to be part of your overall fears about being removed from your comfort zone. (Another VJ Moderator's opinion might differ.)

[Moderator hat off]

The two key lines from your post that stand out are:

I know it could sound childish and stubborn

and

he doesnt really understand me

.One way to overcome being childish and stubborn is to view the different environment not as a state of exile, but as an opportunity to broaden your experience of life. Rather than trying to engineer a large situation to fit your current views of "how things should be," resolve to become more flexible, and to reward yourself when you're in that environment and overcome a challenge or a personal fear.

The "he really doesn't understand me" is worrisome. We here have no way of knowing your respective communication styles, or your respective relationship histories, but you're expressing a far deeper concern than there should be about the extremely fundamental issue of "lifestyle compatibility."

Finally, you can't accurately refer to him as your fiancé if he's not even legally divorced yet.

I respectfully suggest that you wait beyond December -- perhaps many months -- before deciding to file any petition. There seems to be much fundamental mutual learning that needs to occur before you can decide whether you're a compatible couple at all, let alone compatible and flexible enough to be a married couple.

[diane79 14]

You said:"I just see myself 5 months locked in a house doing nothing but sleeping or watching tv." In my opinion, this is just a tunnel vision and contradicts with what you mentioned "I dont like to be lazy all the time." Why not help your future husband take care of housework around your house. I am a homeowner and I know that taking care of a house can take more time than a full-time job does. Why not improve your English skills in those 5 months by memorizing vocabularies, reading books, listening to podcasts, etc.? I myself am also an immigrant and I know that taking English classes alone is far from sufficient to improve your English. It takes tons of readings, listening and speaking English outside the English classes to make your English fluent.

My fiancée is from a mega city with the population of about 30 million and I live in a rural area with the population of less than 100 thousand. She also will have to stay home for quite a while after she arrives. I told her about this situation many times before filing my K-1 and she well understands the potential isolation. If you are already unhappy before filing K-1, don’t file. If you do, it will only hurt both parties in the end, as marriage is not only about love, it is also about compromise and sacrifice.

i dont want to be the maid of the house, i dont like doing those things, i am not going to clean his cat mess (bc i didnt even want the cats with us, but he asked me to do it for her daugther) I like to have my own life, and i would like to work, thats what makes me happy. I thought i only had to wait 1 month or 2 as much.. but not 5 or 6.... thats a lot of time, thats why i say i dont care taking low paid jobs, or work in farms. but i feel as if he doesnt understand me. He says i cant do those jobs like working in a farm bc i wont like it, that it will better if i sign in a gym or do volunteer job, i feel like he minimize my worries.

I feel as if he thinks it is not big deal, bc hes used to this life, bc his life is not changing. He thinks that going for a walk in a park is the solution to my problem. i dont think he's even worried of me feeling this, and hes is just worried of me having cold feet and breaking up with him. The kinda take it personal, and he says that if im so sure i wont be that unhappy, it will better not to go.

I feel against the wall, i dont want to lose him bc i really love him, but i have to think thing with cold head and decide something i wont regret later.

[TBoneTX 45,329]

1. i dont want to be the maid of the house, i dont like doing those things, i am not going to clean his cat mess (bc i didnt even want the cats with us, but he asked me to do it for her daugther)

2. i feel as if he doesnt understand me.

3. He says i cant do those jobs like working in a farm bc i wont like it, that it will better if i sign in a gym or do volunteer job, i feel like he minimize my worries.

4. he says that if im so sure i wont be that unhappy, it will better not to go.

5. I feel against the wall

6. i dont want to lose him bc i really love him

7. i have to think thing with cold head and decide something i wont regret later.

1. Your level of flexibility is expressed here in neon lights.

2. This is at least the second time that you've said this.

3. He's suggesting very valid alternatives that you're rejecting out of hand.

4. He's accurate again.

5. Why? Where is the pressure coming from?

6. You don't really love him. If you did, you'd want to be with him anywhere, and you would care that his daughter loves their cats.

7. Break it off now, immediately and permanently. You clearly say, "I like to have my own life [...] that's what makes me happy."

Edited September 15, 2014 by TBoneTX

[kzielu 1,149]

I feel as if he thinks it is not big deal, bc hes used to this life, bc his life is not changing. He thinks that going for a walk in a park is the solution to my problem. i dont think he's even worried of me feeling this, and hes is just worried of me having cold feet and breaking up with him. The kinda take it personal, and he says that if im so sure i wont be that unhappy, it will better not to go.

I feel against the wall, i dont want to lose him bc i really love him, but i have to think thing with cold head and decide something i wont regret later.

To be fair I think lots of US spouses don't quite appreciate how much of a change it is for foreign spouse to move - I've seen that. But on the other side - what's he's supposed to do ? Move to NYC ? You kind of see what you're getting into, if you're not happy with it now (cats and all the other stuff you mentioned before), it's not going to get any better in future.

[loladolly 51]

this place is full of farms, and i would suck a cow udder with my own mouth for $5 an hour just to have my own money

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Am i the only one who noticed this here?

Maybe common sense classes would be better for you. If you can talk about sucking a cow udder i don't think you need english classes at this point...

1. Your level of flexibility is expressed here in neon lights.

2. This is at least the second time that you've said this.

3. He's suggesting very valid alternatives that you're rejecting out of hand.

4. He's accurate again.

5. Why? Where is the pressure coming from?

6. You don't really love him. If you did, you'd want to be with him anywhere, and you would care that his daughter loves their cats.

7. Break it off now, immediately and permanently. You clearly say, "I like to have my own life [...] that's what makes me happy."

Agreed !!

[cocolucho 35]

i dont want to be the maid of the house, i dont like doing those things, i am not going to clean his cat mess (bc i didnt even want the cats with us, but he asked me to do it for her daugther) I like to have my own life, and i would like to work, thats what makes me happy. I thought i only had to wait 1 month or 2 as much.. but not 5 or 6.... thats a lot of time, thats why i say i dont care taking low paid jobs, or work in farms. but i feel as if he doesnt understand me. He says i cant do those jobs like working in a farm bc i wont like it, that it will better if i sign in a gym or do volunteer job, i feel like he minimize my worries.

I feel as if he thinks it is not big deal, bc hes used to this life, bc his life is not changing. He thinks that going for a walk in a park is the solution to my problem. i dont think he's even worried of me feeling this, and hes is just worried of me having cold feet and breaking up with him. The kinda take it personal, and he says that if im so sure i wont be that unhappy, it will better not to go.

I feel against the wall, i dont want to lose him bc i really love him, but i have to think thing with cold head and decide something i wont regret later.

I have been reading your post on and off the past two hours and I keep editing mine as I see that other people have made comments exactly what I thought of teling you. In my opinion, and to emphasize what others have told you, you should speak with him again and again and again. There needs to exist communication between the two of you and if you feel he is dismissing your feelings you need to speak to him about it.

This is not an easy decision to make. You are not only affecting your life, but his life and of his daughter. If I were you, I would think clearly what you want and what your needs are and what you can offer to the relationship where there is a child involve... I don't think anyone here is telling you wrong, I have heard good advise here, but ultimately is YOU the person who has to make the final decision.

I don't know if there is a way you can spend more time together to sort this feelngs out Your situation is very difficult, but reading between the lines is very clear that you don't completely love him, as other people have said, love is sacrifice and wanting to be with each other no matter where. I sense you are not clear with what you want. Before you make a big step, you should think about what is best for you. If you are feeling this way by the time of filing or even a few months from now, then I don't see how things can work out. Also you said you are from Peru living in Argentina, I am from Peru too, one thing you will have to deal here in the States is cultural differences, especially if you are in a small town. I am not saying you will not get use to it, but if you can not deal with the location right now for being a small town as to where he lives, imagine the other part, the culture, the food, the night life, etc... It is not easy, believe me, I have done that :-)

I really wish you the best and I hope you are able to find inner piece within you and make the right decision. Blessings!

Jorge

[Darnell 8,478]

I say take the offer to be in Madison each day,

and when yer not doing stuff (ESL, driving class, etc) then

hang out at the Madison Chamber of Commerce each day,

volunteering ...

you'll meet business owners in a non-job-hiring event, daily, and

when come time to actually chase a job,

they'll remember you !!!

[kehills 217]

You don't want cats, you don't want to live in the countryside, you don't want to wait to work (to the point you're willing to jeopardize being able to come to the United States/stay after you immigrate), you don't want to learn English from the internet, you don't want a LOT of things, all of which seem to come along with this not-even-able-to-marry-yet guy.

What do you want?

[TBoneTX 45,329]

She has said: She wants her own life.

[Caryh 5,206]

She has said: She wants her own life.

Everything she's expressing tells me she is not ready for marriage. She might think she loves him, she might think she wants marriage, but she is shamefully unaware of what it takes to actually be married.

Wanting your own life - Marriage is a shared life

No wanting to depend on someone - Marriage is needing to depend on someone and to be depended upon in turn

To the OP. I'm also of the opinion of others here, Do Not Come. Do not get married, you are not ready for marriage in general, and this is not the right guy in any case.

[frody 14]

I should say I left a wonderful career to be with him...This is only temporal and you can learn english or university courses by internet.

If you have so many doubts its because its not the man for you

[AnnaMaria 68]

It's been a really stressful day, the cow udder comment has made me smile the past few times I've read this.

[Pavel3002 13]

Wow, If I was your fiance, and I found out about this, I would pull the plug on relationship right away. Woman with this kind of attitude should either change their views on marriage or stay single.

[Pickle 65]

i dont want to be the maid of the house, i dont like doing those things, i am not going to clean his cat mess

But you would "suck on a cow udder?"

I would clean the house all day every day, because I am so grateful to be with my husband. All these excuses are things in the back of your mind that are trying to tell you something.