The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"

[sailormoon01 41]

While ALL people are NOT the same, there are some clear and obvious patterns that many women on here are ignoring. I know this post may offend some people, but I am only speaking the truth about MY STORY, which is similar to many other stories out there. If you have had a positive, long lasting relationship with a MENA man, your story is also important, but this is MINE! To organize this is a simple fashion, I will relate all my points in bullet points.

• I was only 22 when I met my husband (hopefully soon to be ex). I was always an attractive girl who got lots of Western guy's attention. I did not fall into the stereotype of being frumpy, obese, or an older woman desperately in love with a younger man who is trying to just gain something from her. I had heard about marriage fraud, but again, I didn't think I was the type to fall into that category because I was younger than him and most people would consider me too attractive for him. I've sadly learned that looks don't matter. These guys just go looking for the first girl who will be lonely and stupid enough to fall for them. In my case, he was with a much older woman before me who was a national of another Western country (I won't say which one to keep some anonymity). Then, he met me. I was younger than him and a U.S. citizen, so he escaped from this woman who he married in a mosque in her country and ran to me. I knew nothing about his relationship with this woman until after my marriage. Aside from this woman, he also had a fiance for 3 years in his country who left him. Again, I AM NOT SAYING EVERY MENA MAN HAS THESE TYPES OF SKELETONS IN THEIR CLOSET, but most men over 20 (regardless of country of origin) do have pasts and don't ever let any man tell you that his past relationships don't matter because they DO! Find out who his exes are and why they broke up. Most importantly, are you the only Western woman he has ever tried talking to before? If a man has a pattern of seeking out Western women online, he is not the type you want as your husband

• NO man who loves you will try to marry you fast. I used to blindly believe that he was head over heels in love with me and that's why he wanted to start a life with me so fast. I also believed his culture played a role in why he wanted to marry young and so fast. This is simply NOT the case. NO respectable man who cares about you will marry you after simply talking to you online a few months and meeting in person on a few vacations. This is a man who is looking to only gain something. A man who loves you will realize marriage is filled with obligations and it is not something to be taken lightly. REMEMBER, MARRIAGE SHOULD BE FOREVER. Also, keep in mind, the Islamic idea of marriage is very different from the Christian one. I grew up Roman Catholic where divorce is looked down upon. You are supposed to take classes before marriage and divorce is something which should NEVER be taken lightly. If divorce, in the Church, you have to get a marriage annulled and get permission to marry again. In Islam, divorce is not as frowned down upon. Divorce is simple for men and in some respects is viewed as routine. My ex's own parents are still together, but they have divorced and gotten back like two times. Research "talaq". Also, know that this is a man who can take several wives.

• In almost 3 years together, his family never even cared to call or email my mother. His mom uses all social media and couldn't even send my mom an SMS or a gift to the house. We kept her son in our home cooking and cleaning for him 1 year. My father did the affidavit of support for their son to come to this country and nobody could even send him a "thank you". Meanwhile, they traveled all the way to Malaysia to meet their nephew's wife's family. Why because the Malaysians are Muslims and my family are not??? Also, realize your MENA husband's family will never treat you like they treat an Arab daughter-in-law. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU ARE A CONVERT OR EVEN IF YOU KNOW THE ARAB LANGUAGE. Keep in mind, I was first welcomed into my ex's family's home with so much warmness. I didn't see who they truly were until a year down the line. If having in-laws that are like a second family and who will acknowledge you and your family is important to you, then you might want to rethink your marriage to a MENA man.

• His family will always be #1 and even his friends from his own culture and religion will be BEFORE you. This is just a fact. In most cultures, when a man marries, his wife becomes #1. In MENA culture, the concept is quite different. While there are Arab Christian men who do put wife #1, most Muslim guys want you to practically kiss their mother's hand and obey her every command. I was also sexually harassed by many of my husband's friends, but he took their side over mine. He never stopped being friends with them even after this friend of his who was a man in his 50's tried grabbing me. As a matter of fact, he ended up getting involved in a business endeavor with this man and leaving me to go to another state where he has been for almost 1 year. This man has also called me a on the phone when I tried calling the company to politely ask for my husband. They are still friends.
• To make a long story short, my marriage lasted a matter of months after he came to the USA. He got what he needed from me and then decided to build a life in another state with an older man who sexually harassed me. I was shocked. Prior to him coming here, my time with him was like a fairy tale (aside from the sometimes physical abuse). This guy took me to 5 different countries, bought me gold, listened to my every command. Then after he got that green card, I was just some sharmuta to him, his friends, and family. After he left, I spent many sleepless nights crying. He tried every excuse to paint me as a bad wife. I know I cared for this man and cooked and cleaned every day.

• To all girls out there, realize that men can change NOT just MENA men, but ALL men. However, when a relationship has interests involved like visas, money, etc. there is a higher chance of hurt feelings. As much as you want to believe your story is different from mine or your man has a bigger heart than mine had, remember I was also in your shoes, dismissing every horror story I read. I changed my life for a man who would have never done the same for me. Before you alienate your family, change your religion, and entirely adopt his culture, think if he would do the same for you. Again, I am not a racist and I have love in my heart for all people, but a man who loves you will never try to change you. He will accept you for who you are. With that being said, a part of my heart will forever be in the Middle East, but I am totally over this relationship now and I can honestly say returning to my own values and culture really helped me.

[together4evr 360]

Wow. I am sorry that happened to you

[momof1 205]

He wasn't a dream if there was random physical abuse when you travelled abroad. That was your warning. You should have left his butt there. I'm sorry that happened and that you were too young/naive to see it coming.

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

Very sad to see these things fail but I think you are going to be told that the occasional physical abuse was a red flag that things were going to go south when he got here.

I was more interested in this comment:

NO man who loves you will try to marry you fast. I used to blindly believe that he was head over heels in love with me and that's why he wanted to start a life with me so fast. I also believed his culture played a role in why he wanted to marry young and so fast. This is simply NOT the case. NO respectable man who cares about you will marry you after simply talking to you online a few months and meeting in person on a few vacations.....

I am pretty sure that would cover 50%+ of the men here.... For the most part they are seem to be serious in their intentions.

Edited July 20, 2013 by OnMyWayID

[Ning 619]

While ALL people are NOT the same, there are some clear and obvious patterns that many women on here are ignoring. I know this post may offend some people, but I am only speaking the truth about MY STORY, which is similar to many other stories out there. If you have had a positive, long lasting relationship with a MENA man, your story is also important, but this is MINE! To organize this is a simple fashion, I will relate all my points in bullet points.

• I was only 22 when I met my husband (hopefully soon to be ex). I was always an attractive girl who got lots of Western guy's attention. I did not fall into the stereotype of being frumpy, obese, or an older woman desperately in love with a younger man who is trying to just gain something from her. I had heard about marriage fraud, but again, I didn't think I was the type to fall into that category because I was younger than him and most people would consider me too attractive for him. I've sadly learned that looks don't matter. These guys just go looking for the first girl who will be lonely and stupid enough to fall for them. In my case, he was with a much older woman before me who was a national of another Western country (I won't say which one to keep some anonymity). Then, he met me. I was younger than him and a U.S. citizen, so he escaped from this woman who he married in a mosque in her country and ran to me. I knew nothing about his relationship with this woman until after my marriage. Aside from this woman, he also had a fiance for 3 years in his country who left him. Again, I AM NOT SAYING EVERY MENA MAN HAS THESE TYPES OF SKELETONS IN THEIR CLOSET, but most men over 20 (regardless of country of origin) do have pasts and don't ever let any man tell you that his past relationships don't matter because they DO! Find out who his exes are and why they broke up. Most importantly, are you the only Western woman he has ever tried talking to before? If a man has a pattern of seeking out Western women online, he is not the type you want as your husband

• NO man who loves you will try to marry you fast. I used to blindly believe that he was head over heels in love with me and that's why he wanted to start a life with me so fast. I also believed his culture played a role in why he wanted to marry young and so fast. This is simply NOT the case. NO respectable man who cares about you will marry you after simply talking to you online a few months and meeting in person on a few vacations. This is a man who is looking to only gain something. A man who loves you will realize marriage is filled with obligations and it is not something to be taken lightly. REMEMBER, MARRIAGE SHOULD BE FOREVER. Also, keep in mind, the Islamic idea of marriage is very different from the Christian one. I grew up Roman Catholic where divorce is looked down upon. You are supposed to take classes before marriage and divorce is something which should NEVER be taken lightly. If divorce, in the Church, you have to get a marriage annulled and get permission to marry again. In Islam, divorce is not as frowned down upon. Divorce is simple for men and in some respects is viewed as routine. My ex's own parents are still together, but they have divorced and gotten back like two times. Research "talaq". Also, know that this is a man who can take several wives.

• In almost 3 years together, his family never even cared to call or email my mother. His mom uses all social media and couldn't even send my mom an SMS or a gift to the house. We kept her son in our home cooking and cleaning for him 1 year. My father did the affidavit of support for their son to come to this country and nobody could even send him a "thank you". Meanwhile, they traveled all the way to Malaysia to meet their nephew's wife's family. Why because the Malaysians are Muslims and my family are not??? Also, realize your MENA husband's family will never treat you like they treat an Arab daughter-in-law. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU ARE A CONVERT OR EVEN IF YOU KNOW THE ARAB LANGUAGE. Keep in mind, I was first welcomed into my ex's family's home with so much warmness. I didn't see who they truly were until a year down the line. If having in-laws that are like a second family and who will acknowledge you and your family is important to you, then you might want to rethink your marriage to a MENA man.

• His family will always be #1 and even his friends from his own culture and religion will be BEFORE you. This is just a fact. In most cultures, when a man marries, his wife becomes #1. In MENA culture, the concept is quite different. While there are Arab Christian men who do put wife #1, most Muslim guys want you to practically kiss their mother's hand and obey her every command. I was also sexually harassed by many of my husband's friends, but he took their side over mine. He never stopped being friends with them even after this friend of his who was a man in his 50's tried grabbing me. As a matter of fact, he ended up getting involved in a business endeavor with this man and leaving me to go to another state where he has been for almost 1 year. This man has also called me a ###### on the phone when I tried calling the company to politely ask for my husband. They are still friends.
• To make a long story short, my marriage lasted a matter of months after he came to the USA. He got what he needed from me and then decided to build a life in another state with an older man who sexually harassed me. I was shocked. Prior to him coming here, my time with him was like a fairy tale (aside from the sometimes physical abuse). This guy took me to 5 different countries, bought me gold, listened to my every command. Then after he got that green card, I was just some sharmuta to him, his friends, and family. After he left, I spent many sleepless nights crying. He tried every excuse to paint me as a bad wife. I know I cared for this man and cooked and cleaned every day.

• To all girls out there, realize that men can change NOT just MENA men, but ALL men. However, when a relationship has interests involved like visas, money, etc. there is a higher chance of hurt feelings. As much as you want to believe your story is different from mine or your man has a bigger heart than mine had, remember I was also in your shoes, dismissing every horror story I read. I changed my life for a man who would have never done the same for me. Before you alienate your family, change your religion, and entirely adopt his culture, think if he would do the same for you. Again, I am not a racist and I have love in my heart for all people, but a man who loves you will never try to change you. He will accept you for who you are. With that being said, a part of my heart will forever be in the Middle East, but I am totally over this relationship now and I can honestly say returning to my own values and culture really helped me.

I too am sorry this happened to you but I wonder if anyone had told you this long sad tale would you have listened and changed your mind? People do what they think and feel is the right thing for them at the time especially when it comes to what they think is love.

You for example say you are a Roman Catholic yet you married a Muslim. Did you take those classes? Seems that religion is a matter of convince rather than conviction.

After all of this part of your heart is in the Middle East? I am not sure of what that means.

[berber_wife 90]

I'm sorry for what you have gone through, OP.

I do think there are issues far beyond culture here. For example, you normalize abuse ("fairy tale" and "physical abuse" do not belong in the same sentence) and it seems that you lost yourself in the relationship. I'm not trying to blame you here because it is very common for people (especially young women) to put up with bad behavior within a relationship because they think its normal or because they don't know their own value. I think as a society, we have failed miserably in teaching our young people about healthy relationships.

I do think that before you get into a new relationship, you should spend a lot of time thinking about what you want from a relationship, what values you won't compromise on and what you consider to be dealbreakers in a relationship. Yes, the intercultural aspects undoubtably made your relationship more difficult but the underlying issue seems to be your poor sense of self-worth. Until that happens, you'll be at risk at repeating these patterns with your future parter(s)-no matter what their nationality is.

[sailormoon01 41]

I too am sorry this happened to you but I wonder if anyone had told you this long sad tale would you have listened and changed your mind? People do what they think and feel is the right thing for them at the time especially when it comes to what they think is love.

You for example say you are a Roman Catholic yet you married a Muslim. Did you take those classes? Seems that religion is a matter of convince rather than conviction.

After all of this part of your heart is in the Middle East? I am not sure of what that means.

I didn't marry in a Catholic Church, therefore I didn't take classes. I married in a mosque and later legalized in court. The point is, i abandoned who I was for a while to be with this man, although I had a strong ethnic and religious background of my own. I found myself again after this man. When I say my heart is there, I mean I will always love that part of the world and the people there, even though my relationship with this man was hell.

[sailormoon01 41]

I'm sorry for what you have gone through, OP.

I do think there are issues far beyond culture here. For example, you normalize abuse ("fairy tale" and "physical abuse" do not belong in the same sentence) and it seems that you lost yourself in the relationship. I'm not trying to blame you here because it is very common for people (especially young women) to put up with bad behavior within a relationship because they think its normal or because they don't know their own value. I think as a society, we have failed miserably in teaching our young people about healthy relationships.

I do think that before you get into a new relationship, you should spend a lot of time thinking about what you want from a relationship, what values you won't compromise on and what you consider to be dealbreakers in a relationship. Yes, the intercultural aspects undoubtably made your relationship more difficult but the underlying issue seems to be your poor sense of self-worth. Until that happens, you'll be at risk at repeating these patterns with your future parter(s)-no matter what their nationality is.

The thing is that many men from certain cultures are more likely to normalize physical abuse than others. Also, Arab Muslim men (with the exception of some who are secular and/or Western educated) do NOT compromise at all when it comes to culture and religion. Most men from most other religions and cultures will compromise with their wives. In Islam, kids have to absolutely be raised as Muslims and a non-Muslim wife is less than a Muslim wife. Convert or not convert, you will always be less than a woman from their own culture. Sorry to break the news, but sooner or later, the truth comes. Maybe I was insecure and naive, but that doesn't change the facts that most MENA men will NEVER go to the lengths for a woman that the women goes for them. You convert, respect their culture, respect their family, agree to raise children in their religion (those children will know little to nothing about your culture and religion), as yourself, will this man do the same for you? No, he will never abandon his beliefs for you.

[momof1 205]

You can probably stop with the generalizations and "never" talk like you have any clue about all MENA men. There are, for sure, good and bad stories to be told. Not every one is like yours. You picked a bad apple...simple enough. If he's beating on you he'll probably beat on some woman from back home too.

My kids spend one month alone with my non-muslim parents in another state each summer. Last year we all went to Disney World with my family. This is a man who is god fearing and dedicated to his family. Family being me and our children. I have no doubt that he has given me, in the last 11 years, everything and more he would have given a woman from his own country.

I do acknowledge that really sad stories like yours exist but I refuse to admit that they are the norm. They are not the norm if you choose a good person.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Sorry to hear about your bad experience sailormoon01 of being used and abused like that by a green card fraud seeker. Physical abuse, even occasionally, is never ok. I'm not surprised to hear that he'd accept sexual abuse from his friends towards you when he's described like this by you. I'm happy to hear you're getting out of the marriage though I wonder if he hadn't of left himself would you have been able to get out? Adding another MENA horror story to the books. Thanks for sharing your story OP, as difficult and as painful as it may be to express, and for offering an insight into what people in the future may look for as red flags.

However, I also agree with another poster that not everyone is going to be willing to take the advice put out there and that it's a case by case scenario as only the people in the relationships know how strong their relationship really is.

I do acknowledge that really sad stories like yours exist but I refuse to admit that they are the norm. They are not the norm if you choose a good person.

I have to agree with this. I've met many good MENA stories too so I wouldn't say bad apples like this are the norm either.

[Mithra 1,185]

I'm sorry this happened to you but you must know that you were treated this way because you were never meant to be a permanent wife. It's cold I know but if a man truly wants you to be his wife he wouldn't have treated you that way. I'm sorry you got involved with such a bad person and family.

[sandinista! 1,816]

You can probably stop with the generalizations and "never" talk like you have any clue about all MENA men. There are, for sure, good and bad stories to be told. Not every one is like yours. You picked a bad apple...simple enough. If he's beating on you he'll probably beat on some woman from back home too.

My kids spend one month alone with my non-muslim parents in another state each summer. Last year we all went to Disney World with my family. This is a man who is god fearing and dedicated to his family. Family being me and our children. I have no doubt that he has given me, in the last 11 years, everything and more he would have given a woman from his own country.

I do acknowledge that really sad stories like yours exist but I refuse to admit that they are the norm. They are not the norm if you choose a good person.

yeah, my husband's putting in the last few hours of his 60 hour work week as i type this, and i can't help but think how much more effort he'd put into it if only i myself were moroccan too...

The thing is that many men from certain cultures are more likely to normalize physical abuse than others. Also, Arab Muslim men (with the exception of some who are secular and/or Western educated) do NOT compromise at all when it comes to culture and religion. Most men from most other religions and cultures will compromise with their wives. In Islam, kids have to absolutely be raised as Muslims and a non-Muslim wife is less than a Muslim wife. Convert or not convert, you will always be less than a woman from their own culture. Sorry to break the news, but sooner or later, the truth comes. Maybe I was insecure and naive, but that doesn't change the facts that most MENA men will NEVER go to the lengths for a woman that the women goes for them. You convert, respect their culture, respect their family, agree to raise children in their religion (those children will know little to nothing about your culture and religion), as yourself, will this man do the same for you? No, he will never abandon his beliefs for you.

you're quite the anthropologist here!

[sailormoon01 41]

I'm sorry this happened to you but you must know that you were treated this way because you were never meant to be a permanent wife. It's cold I know but if a man truly wants you to be his wife he wouldn't have treated you that way. I'm sorry you got involved with such a bad person and family.

no duh.

[sailormoon01 41]

yeah, my husband's putting in the last few hours of his 60 hour work week as i type this, and i can't help but think how much more effort he'd put into it if only i myself were moroccan too...

you're quite the anthropologist here!

Wow, nice sarcasm. I guess that comment got you where it hurts. Actually, I hold a masters in international relations. I took many comparative political classes focusing on topics such as gender in different societies. We can't deny that while each person's individual culture is multi layered, there are also many cultural norms that are widespread. I bet about 90 percent of MENA men who marry Western women they meet online and/or on vacation are men who can't easily marry or secure employment in their own countries. The women in their countries know better than to get involved with them because these guys either come from shady families, have shady pasts, or do not have the means to pay for a wedding and/or housing and dowry as is expected in most MENA countries. Also, can you honestly say that if you hadn't accepted Islam, your husband would have allowed you to raise kids as non Muslims??? Would he even accept them to be raised in any religion, but leaning more towards your culture rather than the Arab culture? I can almost guarantee the answer.

[sailormoon01 41]

You can probably stop with the generalizations and "never" talk like you have any clue about all MENA men. There are, for sure, good and bad stories to be told. Not every one is like yours. You picked a bad apple...simple enough. If he's beating on you he'll probably beat on some woman from back home too.

My kids spend one month alone with my non-muslim parents in another state each summer. Last year we all went to Disney World with my family. This is a man who is god fearing and dedicated to his family. Family being me and our children. I have no doubt that he has given me, in the last 11 years, everything and more he would have given a woman from his own country.

I do acknowledge that really sad stories like yours exist but I refuse to admit that they are the norm. They are not the norm if you choose a good person.

I picked him or he preyed upon me and lied? You can't always see who is a bad apple right away. Sometimes it happens a year or two down the line. Although your husband who you did a visa for and lives in the US spends time with your family, has his family ever contacted your parents as they would do with Arab or Muslim in laws? While there might be positive stories, I believe 90 percent are negative. If they don't become nightmares immediately, they usually do years down the line. Thankfully, I don't have kids and I can easily move on. With that being said, if you are a woman who is willing to entirely abandon your identity and solely adopt the Arab culture, then maybe it will be ok. Still, I initially did all that and it didn't work for me. I am just happy I gained some confidence back and learned to be comfortable and happy with ME!