I am Adam Lanza’s Mother

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

"I can wear these pants," he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

"They are navy blue," I told him. "Your school's dress code says black or khaki pants only."

"They told me I could wear these," he insisted. "You're a stupid b!tch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!"

"You can't wear whatever pants you want to," I said, my tone affable, reasonable. "And you definitely cannot call me a stupid b!tch. You're grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school."

I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.

A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.

That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn't have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.

We still don't know what's wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He's been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.

At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he's in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He's in a good mood most of the time. But when he's not, watch out. And it's impossible to predict what will set him off.

Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district's most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can't function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.

The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, "Look, Mom, I'm really sorry. Can I have video games back today?"

"No way," I told him. "You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly."

His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. "Then I'm going to kill myself," he said. "I'm going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself."

That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.

"Where are you taking me?" he said, suddenly worried. "Where are we going?"

"You know where we are going," I replied.

"No! You can't do that to me! You're sending me to hell! You're sending me straight to hell!"

I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. "Call the police," I said. "Hurry."

Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn't escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I'm still stronger than he is, but I won't be for much longer.

The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—"Were there any difficulties with… at what age did your child… were there any problems with.. has your child ever experienced.. does your child have…"

At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You'll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.

For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, "I hate you. And I'm going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here."

By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I've heard those promises for years. I don't believe them anymore.

On the intake form, under the question, "What are your expectations for treatment?" I wrote, "I need help."

And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.

I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza's mother. I am Dylan Klebold's and Eric Harris's mother. I am Jason Holmes's mother. I am Jared Loughner's mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho's mother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it's easy to talk about guns. But it's time to talk about mental illness.

According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.

When I asked my son's social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. "If he's back in the system, they'll create a paper trail," he said. "That's the only way you're ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you've got charges."

I don't believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael's sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn't deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population.

With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County Jail and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation's largest treatment centers in 2011.

No one wants to send a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, "Something must be done."

I agree that something must be done. It's time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That's the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.

http://thebluereview.org/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother/

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

"I can wear these pants," he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

"They are navy blue," I told him. "Your school's dress code says black or khaki pants only."

"They told me I could wear these," he insisted. "You're a stupid b!tch. I can wear whatever pants I want to."

Right about then would have been the time my mom would grab the broom or whatever she could get her hands on and beat me or any of my siblings upside the head until the handle broke. Then when my dad got home from work he would have done 10x's worse. It was similar for my friends and their parents also. That was how parents took care of it and it worked like a charm yet they didn't ever mention mental health. It was either you showed respect and did what they told you or you got five across the eyes, and a few minutes later the belt.

That was back when you had parents and children. They weren't one and the same and the lines never crossed. The parents called the shots, the parents paid the bills and put a roof over your head, and until you got out of the house and paid your own way you were subject to their whims.

[james&olya 1,121]

Right about then would have been the time my mom would grab the broom or whatever she could get her hands on and beat me or any of my siblings upside the head until the handle broke. Then when my dad got home from work he would have done 10x's worse. It was similar for my friends and their parents also. That was how parents took care of it and it worked like a charm yet they didn't ever mention mental health. It was either you showed respect and did what they told you or you got five across the eyes, and a few minutes later the belt.

That was back when you had parents and children. They weren't one and the same and the lines never crossed. The parents called the shots, the parents paid the bills and put a roof over your head, and until you got out of the house and paid your own way you were subject to their whims.

How does it 'solve' anything when you reinforce the message that inter-personal problems are solved with violence of the strong against the weak?! Your personal experience involves also at least one felony conviction for violence as I recall you saying. You think this is a model for others to emulate?

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

Right about then would have been the time my mom would grab the broom or whatever she could get her hands on and beat me or any of my siblings upside the head until the handle broke. Then when my dad got home from work he would have done 10x's worse. It was similar for my friends and their parents also. That was how parents took care of it and it worked like a charm yet they didn't ever mention mental health. It was either you showed respect and did what they told you or you got five across the eyes, and a few minutes later the belt.

That was back when you had parents and children. They weren't one and the same and the lines never crossed. The parents called the shots, the parents paid the bills and put a roof over your head, and until you got out of the house and paid your own way you were subject to their whims.

You hit the nail on the head. I think "that" is the thing that has changed. We have "PARENT FRIENDS" instead of parent's now days. I have a buddy that married a girl that was a Mom friend to her kids. They could do no wrong, and she was their ATM and Door Mat. One had better not ever criticize her kids. Both are worthless in and out of Jail trash today. Kids need discipline and love, and lot's of both.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Kids need discipline and love, and lot's of both.

I agree that kids do need strong boundaries and discipline (although I don't believe it needs to be corporal punishment) and yes, lots of love.

I also believe that people (adults or children) with diagnosed mental health issues need specific support that goes beyond simple discipline issues. Beating someone with a mental illness until they just learn to hide their problem from family and friends is more likely to result in uncontrolled and serious outbursts later in life. You can't simply beat a mental illness out of somebody.

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

I agree that kids do need strong boundaries and discipline (although I don't believe it needs to be corporal punishment) and yes, lots of love.

I also believe that people (adults or children) with diagnosed mental health issues need specific support that goes beyond simple discipline issues. Beating someone with a mental illness until they just learn to hide their problem from family and friends is more likely to result in uncontrolled and serious outbursts later in life. You can't simply beat a mental illness out of somebody.

I am back to...... 40 years ago almost everyone had guns and there was almost no treatment for the mentally ill, yet we rarely had this kind of problems.. Sorry but my critical thinking skills scream at me,, those two issues are not the problem.

Today we have gun control,, lot's of medicine for mental disorders, all kinds of school security, counslers in every school, but yet we have school killings.. Seems to me we need to go back to whatever we did 40 years ago. it worked.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

I am back to...... 40 years ago almost everyone had guns and there was almost no treatment for the mentally ill, yet we rarely had this kind of problems.. Sorry but my critical thinking skills scream at me,, those two issues are not the problem.

Today we have gun control,, lot's of medicine for mental disorders, all kinds of school security, counslers in every school, but yet we have school killings.. Seems to me we need to go back to whatever we did 40 years ago. it worked.

I wasn't really commenting on the gun issue. I was mainly reflecting on the pain of the mother in the original blog post who fears there is going to be no facility available to deal with her mentally ill son when he gets too big and strong for her to contain him any longer. And responding to the poster who suggested the answer to this boy's current behaviour problems was a good beating.

I'm unsure what the answer is to the gun issue - or why things are so bad now. But a lot has changed over the last 40 years on a lot of different levels (technological, societal, economical) and I believe that there are many strands to this problem and no simple solution. I think it's going to take people on both side of the gun control argument, both sides of the political spectrum, both sides of the mental health problem to work together to come up with solution or at least an attempt at a solution. Doesn't seem likely to happen though.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I saw this piece going around facebook this morning and decided to share it because it's worth the read.

[scotinmass 588]

I am back to...... 40 years ago almost everyone had guns and there was almost no treatment for the mentally ill, yet we rarely had this kind of problems.. Sorry but my critical thinking skills scream at me,, those two issues are not the problem.

Today we have gun control,, lot's of medicine for mental disorders, all kinds of school security, counslers in every school, but yet we have school killings.. Seems to me we need to go back to whatever we did 40 years ago. it worked.

40 years ago we had a lot more children being sexually abused by their relatives or people in authority. They had been taught to keep their mouths shut or they'd get beaten so they were too terrified to speak out and just had to put up with it.

Yeah lets go back to that!

[Penny Lane 8,159]

Right about then would have been the time my mom would grab the broom or whatever she could get her hands on and beat me or any of my siblings upside the head until the handle broke. Then when my dad got home from work he would have done 10x's worse. It was similar for my friends and their parents also. That was how parents took care of it and it worked like a charm yet they didn't ever mention mental health. It was either you showed respect and did what they told you or you got five across the eyes, and a few minutes later the belt.

That was back when you had parents and children. They weren't one and the same and the lines never crossed. The parents called the shots, the parents paid the bills and put a roof over your head, and until you got out of the house and paid your own way you were subject to their whims.

Your attitude towards mental health is the problem.

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

How does it 'solve' anything when you reinforce the message that inter-personal problems are solved with violence of the strong against the weak?! Your personal experience involves also at least one felony conviction for violence as I recall you saying. You think this is a model for others to emulate?

So instead of taking responsibility and being parents they took their kid to a doctor and had him medicated. That's for the weak and lazy. They dropped the ball. When that kid went off on one of his tantrams he should have had his ####### whooped by the parents. Instead they had him stuffed with drugs.

With all the ####### whoopings that where handed out I don't ever recall anyone grabbing their gun and whacking anyone. Mind you just about every kid had guns with ammo yet nobody was taking anyone one out with them. Something to think about.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

With all the ####### whoopings that where handed out I don't ever recall anyone grabbing their gun and whacking anyone. Mind you just about every kid had guns with ammo yet nobody was taking anyone one out with them. Something to think about.

There would have been no tomorrow if I had touched my dad's guns. Even as an adult I knew that! The man was by no means abusive, but there was a line you knew that you were not allowed to cross and touching the guns was just about as bad as it got.

Edited December 16, 2012 by Nola123

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

There would have been no tomorrow if I had touched my dad's guns. Even as an adult I knew that! The man was by no means abusive, but there was a line you knew that you were not allowed to cross and touching the guns was just about as bad as it got.

This!

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

40 years ago we had a lot more children being sexually abused by their relatives or people in authority. They had been taught to keep their mouths shut or they'd get beaten so they were too terrified to speak out and just had to put up with it.

Yeah lets go back to that!

Always a completely inane post from the left. So because I think kids need discipline, you some how twist that to advocating child molestation.. That's quite a stretch there hot-rod

So more kids were molested back then.. You got something to back that up or did you just make that up to re enforce your ludicrous statement. .

Edited December 16, 2012 by Run Herschel Run

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

There would have been no tomorrow if I had touched my dad's guns. Even as an adult I knew that! The man was by no means abusive, but there was a line you knew that you were not allowed to cross and touching the guns was just about as bad as it got.

Exactly .. Most of the homes I visited as a youth had un locked gun racks. Why did we not mess with them... Because we were scared and understood there would be dire repercussions.