Should I give up or fight for him?

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

Trust me, I wasn't fond of logging into his Facebook account. I hated doing it... but I needed to know what was going on as he hasn't told me about it.

So you see how your own ideals are being compromised. You should be with someone that assures you, that makes you feel comfortable, honors you, brings out the best in you, etc, etc You shouldn't be with someone that causes you to violate your ideals so this is another point for the giving up section.

It's not about him or her, it's about you.

[Trojans Fan 7]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I went through a similar situation in my previous marriage. In my case, the other party had no intention to reconcile and needless to say, it ended in divorce. Divorce is not what I call a fun time but if it had not happened so many years ago for me, I would have never had married the woman I love more than I ever thought possible. My advice is to do everything you can do to make it work. If it doesn't work out, it will be tough, but it is survivable and is only temporary. Time heals all wounds. I know it isn't comforting to hear that but it is true. I would also not continue to let him have his way with you in the bedroom while he fails to respect you as a wife. He needs to earn your compassion. You are not a toy. I hope things work out and that you two can remain happily married but if it doesn't turn out that way, remember that you will be ok.

[AngelAndJoy 22]

Short answer: Give up.

Long answer: Your Husband has checked out of the relationship. It take two people to be in a relationship and fight for each other. I would move on. Personally I did not like your move to invade his privacy, but it is what it is, this things happen.

I COMPLETELY DISAGREE with you regarding his privacy. They are married, right? There should be NO SECRETS between a man and wife PERIOD. No separate emails, no separate passwords. Man and Wife are ONE.

People who complain about their privacy have SECRETS to hide. Secrets are cancers to a relationship. TRUST ME. Secrets lead to betrayals.

[dwheels76 5,468]

First let me give you my heartfelt sympathy and sorrow for your broken heart.

Okay that's out the way here it goes. And this is from an older (I am old enough to be your mom) person.

Forget what you gave up in Canada. How much processing of petition, the visits all that. The bottom line is you as a person what are you willing to accept as how you want to be handled, communicated to and treated.

We all I am sure had that wonderful courtship and felt like Queens to our Kings. But baby know this regardless if he has a "girlfriend" or 10. You are beautifully and wonderfully made you deserve the best because you were created by the best.

You have to take some down time and assess what will you accept? What are your deal breakers? He may or may not what to do counseling. But you can't "fix" him and as devastating as it is do you really want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with you?

Again I am sorry and I can see now where all that energy and thought and care has come from.

Bless you Saylin.

Edited May 8, 2012 by dwheels76

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Thanks for your words I never thought we'd go through this as we loved each other so much. But for him, it might have just been an infatuation. And things unfolded once I got here because of that. I definitely don't want to be taken as a fool, but I don't entirely want to give up so this girl gets him...

I read your first post and then this one, but I have not got any further along as yet.

I think some other wise posters have also said that if he is unwilling to save the marriage or go to marriage counseling that there's not much more you can do to try and reconcile the differences between you. Marriage is a partnership and that includes dealing with the not so fun side of relationships, and if he is unwilling then you have done all you can. I really don't think your focus should be about 'the girl getting him', and rather about what is good and healthy for you, but I do empathize with how that must feel. The girl really isn't important, but you are. Understanding that a relationship has come to an end, when perhaps you were not ready for that, feels devastating at the time - sense of loss, feeling rejected, anger. You will work through all of that, though. And, you will be okay, but I think trying to hold on to something that is starting to be unhealthy for you is not good.

I think the first step at really dealing with this situation would be to confide in a family member who you love, respect and trust. Once you have done that you will be forcing yourself to deal with where you find yourself right now.

Here's a hug (((((((((())))))))))) Remember to be kind to yourself.

Good luck!

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

I COMPLETELY DISAGREE with you regarding his privacy. They are married, right? There should be NO SECRETS between a man and wife PERIOD. No separate emails, no separate passwords. Man and Wife are ONE.

People who complain about their privacy have SECRETS to hide. Secrets are cancers to a relationship. TRUST ME. Secrets lead to betrayals.

Maintaining privacy doesn't necessarily equate to keeping marital secrets.

So if I am a CIA operative, I'm supposed to just let the little Woman have a go at the inbox? As an example, admittedly an absurd one but disproves your point.

I have a password on ALL of my computers, separate emails, separate accounts, etc this doesn't mean that I value my SO less. The important thing is if the secrecy suddenly started or was it a pre dating and known mode of operation.

Edited May 8, 2012 by Iyawo Ijebu

[AngelAndJoy 22]

Maintaining privacy doesn't necessarily equate to keeping marital secrets.

So if I am a CIA operative, I'm supposed to just let the little Woman have a go at the inbox? As an example, admittedly an absurd one but disproves your point.

I have a password on ALL of my computers, separate emails, separate accounts, etc this doesn't mean that I value my SO less. The important thing is if the secrecy suddenly started or was it a pre dating and known mode of operation.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH.

The funniest EXCUSE from someone wanting to keep SECRETS. IT IS FREAKING FACEBOOK, NOT CIA OPERATIVE MUMBO JUMBO. Now, THAT disproves your point.

Hey, if that is how you live your life with your wife, I pity her for all the SECRETS you willingly hide.

Let me reread your response again.....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH !!!!

I will forward it to all my coworkers now so we can all laugh at you CIA Operative excuse.....TOO FUNNY!

[CourtneyRox 25]

I COMPLETELY DISAGREE with you regarding his privacy. They are married, right? There should be NO SECRETS between a man and wife PERIOD. No separate emails, no separate passwords. Man and Wife are ONE.

People who complain about their privacy have SECRETS to hide. Secrets are cancers to a relationship. TRUST ME. Secrets lead to betrayals.

110% agree!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH.

The funniest EXCUSE from someone wanting to keep SECRETS. IT IS FREAKING FACEBOOK, NOT CIA OPERATIVE MUMBO JUMBO. Now, THAT disproves your point.

Hey, if that is how you live your life with your wife, I pity her for all the SECRETS you willingly hide.

Let me reread your response again.....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH !!!!

I will forward it to all my coworkers now so we can all laugh at you CIA Operative excuse.....TOO FUNNY!

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH.

The funniest EXCUSE from someone wanting to keep SECRETS. IT IS FREAKING FACEBOOK, NOT CIA OPERATIVE MUMBO JUMBO. Now, THAT disproves your point.

Hey, if that is how you live your life with your wife, I pity her for all the SECRETS you willingly hide.

Let me reread your response again.....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH !!!!

I will forward it to all my coworkers now so we can all laugh at you CIA Operative excuse.....TOO FUNNY!

Glad you got a chuckel out of that

My job here is done, my work has spread far from VJ and passed via email to coworkers far and wide

[alizon 77]

Saylin, I'm so sorry to read this. He is being completely selfish and immature to string you along like this (I don't love you, but I'm going to continue accepting sex from you? Total and utter BS!). I think my advice is coming out of a place of anger on your behalf but here it is anyway:

Tell the girl you know and blow their relationship up. You don't seem like someone who has a hot temper, but try to fake it toward her. Or, if you think you can be cool and rational and get the same result (breaking them up), then you're a better person than me. This might sound reactionary, but I think it's actually necessary for one reason: he is relying on the support/attention of this other woman (frankly, I think it seems like it's just a source of entertainment for him) to feel good about himself and justify his distance from you. If you do want to have any hope in marriage counseling and/or of him growing up and no longer being completely self-centered, you have to take away his external ally.

Edited May 8, 2012 by alizon

[Adriene H 89]

Marriage counseling doesn't always have to include both spouses.

If one is willing to go and the other one isn't willing, the

therapist can help the one who is willing to seek help in

identifying relationship issues and give guidance on how to

cope with those issues ... therapy helps folks to take a step

out of the 'circle' and gain clearer insight on the issues

at hand.

[Saylin 1,605]

Sorry I've been gone for an hour... My husband finally got home. And despite being nervous and spending most of the conversation in silence, we spoke.

I brought up seeing the comment last week. I asked what was going on. At first, he denied anything. He said it was her just being silly and when I asked why he didn't tab back to Facebook after, he said he thought I'd take it the wrong way. I finally told him I saw his messages with her and knew he was lying. I don't remember much, still very shaken up. He tried skirting around saying he didn't like her and he had only visited her once or twice. Not sure.... The conversation ended with me asking him if he wanted a divorce or not. At the end, he said it would be in both our best interests.... Guess I'm getting divorced then....

[alizon 77]

The conversation ended with me asking him if he wanted a divorce or not. At the end, he said it would be in both our best interests.... Guess I'm getting divorced then....

Damn. So sorry.

[SunnySanDiego 17]

Oh wow I am so very sorry to hear this but at least now you know. As much as it hurts and doesn't seem like it now you will get over him and on with your life. I wish you all the best.

I wish I could give you a big hug and take you out for a drink to try to forget about it for a little bit.

Edited May 8, 2012 by SunnySanDiego

[Saylin 1,605]

As a fellow WoW player this is something I worry about as well (and Tony mentioned he does as well seeing he works and goes to bed before me ). Tony once /flirted a fellow female guildie while I was in the living room (she started it) and I FLIPPED OUT! We met on WoW and that was where we spent time together and yes /flirt /love etc so I found it a huge betrayal. Esp because guildies know me, know we're married and all that. Feels like a bigger betrayal honestly...

Good that you're going to get checked. Unfortunately you never thought he'd cheat on you (emotionally or physically) so you can't really be sure anything you THOUGHT you know is actually true. That's one of the worst parts of finding something like this out - wondering what other lies there were. And if it WAS really innocent, why was he going to another town while you were at work (or was he just discussing doing that and never did?).

Unfortunately the I-864 is an agreement between him and the government. Some spouses have successfully used it to get spousal support, many however have failed. It's just supposed to be him paying back the US government if you use any means tested benefits.

Regarding divorce, your lawyer will be able to tell you what you can and can't do. Like whether you're entitled to half the bank account balance and other such things.

I hope he would look out for you but again, I don't think you thought he'd ever cheat on you so while you *hope* he'll act a certain way you can't really rely on it so it's better to assume he WON'T play nice and plan for that and then be happily surprised if he does. That way you're protected.

The WoW thing is probably gonna be tough for us after we're separated as we're in the same guild and raid together. So I'll still be in constant contact with him (whether I want it or not). I know there's the choice of one of us leaving, but I don't think that will happen...

So, for the I-864, I have a question. I make less than $8/hour at my current job, with about 20 hours of work a week (I'm a full-time college student). There's no way I'll be able to afford an apartment on my own. Is there any legal obligation of my husband to pay like a portion of the rent or something? Cause I have absolutely no idea how I'm gonna manage an apartment on my own while receiving only about $400 a month from work...

At the end of our conversation, he said he'd still give me lifts to work and school and such. Which I believe. Just not sure if he'd help out with my rent or anything once I do move out...

Saylin, I am so sorry to hear about your present circumstances. I wouldn't wish that type of hurt and pain on anyone. Reading your story, raised the hair on the back of my neck. I was in a frighteningly similar situation back in 2003. Some of the statements both of you made, made me cringe reminding me of my own then unraveling marriage. I can understand your feelings of hurt and betrayal. The trust between you two is gone, and likely unable to recover.

You are entitled to know what is going on, though you know that where there is smoke, there is fire. Consider confronting him about what he wants from the marriage. If he is unable or unwilling to work on your relationship (counseling), your choice is clear. You must move on for your own health. If that is the case, obtain as many agreements from him while things are still amiable. It is time for you to think about you, and your needs, for the present and the future.

Lastly, during this very difficult time, take care of yourself, do not be hard on yourself. Try to get proper nutrition, and get adequate rest. It will get better with time, time heals all wounds.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please feel free to PM me if you need an ear from someone who has been there and survived.

Thanks for this I might be contacting you about how you managed to get through this. My world is pretty much crashing down around me...