Arguments About Sending Money Back Home?

[maning 36]

I just want to hear from people's experience concerning this topic...

I'm actually Fil-Am, so my experience is a little different coming from my perspective compared to an American marrying their fiancee and realizing later that you did not just marry her, but she also came with a family that needs support. My experience started with my parents sending money back home. My siblings and I grew up rather quickly and realized at an early age that if we wanted something in life that we had to work hard for it. I just find it perplexing that my parents instilled this in us, but at the same time would willingly send money to their siblings in The Philippines. I would understand if they were sending them to college to better themselves, but 30 years later they are still sending money to not only support their siblings, but now their siblings' kids and even grand kids.

I even find it hard to understand why my parents would send money to their siblings who made bad decisions in their lives, but would not send money to their few siblings who actually made something out of themselves. It's like there's a reward for failure. I wouldn't mind all this, if it wasn't affecting our home life growing up. My siblings had to sacrifice a lot. It may sound petty, but we learn Santa didn't exist at an early age, when you make a list for Christmas and never get anything on it. Mom had to send money to all her siblings for Christmas, so they can have "something to eat." While their kids didn't care anymore for Christmas, because what's the point of hoping, when you're not going to get anything besides towels and socks. My parents sacrifice a lot for their family in The Philippines, but it does affect your kids if there's no balance. You don't pressure your kids to get scholarships because you didn't bother to save for their college education or send them on a guilt trip and ask them to sacrifice on Christmas because we have a better life than our cousins in The Philippines. My siblings and I don't expect or ask anything from our parents, everything we got, we earned it on our own and we're actually proud of that fact.

I just refused to continue this tradition and I do not want my future kids to experience this growing up. My fiancee has family and siblings she plans to support until they graduate from college. Which I do not mind at all because she actually put a time limit on her support. We've talked about it and I already told her that once we have kids this will have to stop. If it doesn't stop, I do not want kids. I don't mean stop helping them, but the constant help. I don't mind helping if there's an emergency or when it comes to education purposes or to help them move up, but I will not put up with supporting anyone who can't get their act together. I'm not paying for other people's mistakes and bad choices. My fiancee knows that I will do anything to make her happy, but I draw the line on certain things, this is one of them.

Wow sorry if this was long.

[Leatherneck 693]

Good post maning

[Messybrownhair 251]

I think your sentiments make a lot of sense

[TeapotGirl 66]

I agree on everything you said. One can't blame their life with somebody else if they're miserable. That's why when I see fil-am couples and when their fiancees family is very poor, I tell the guy "Do you know that you will have a financial obligation with her family- from rice, to the schooling and even hospitalization?" A girl from a very poor village who married an American is considered a "lottery winner."

Most Americans I meet wouldn't mind this because they are blessed and wouldn't bother to share it but in a long run, this will cause a drift later on.

So my advice, at the very early stage, Fiancee should talk to her family and draw the line when to ask or not and up until when. A child doesn't have an obligation to his siblings so as to his parents but since we are Filipinos we are trying to be nice.

I only have 3 rules when it comes to helping;

-I don't want to help on something that was brought by stupidity.

-I don't want to help about something that I've dealt before. If the issue is recurring, they should figure out how to prevent it from happening again.

-I don't want to help someone who had a reputation of being a mess.

[Hank_ 9,174]

:thumbs:

I very much agree with what you wrote. With that said I also know, up front, that there will be two people that we will help more than likely, these are people she supports now so no surprises really. And yes I am expecting other to come knocking on the door suddenly, there I am very much of your feelings.

No lottery winner here!

[maning 36]

I agree on everything you said. One can't blame their life with somebody else if they're miserable. That's why when I see fil-am couples and when their fiancees family is very poor, I tell the guy "Do you know that you will have a financial obligation with her family- from rice, to the schooling and even hospitalization?" A girl from a very poor village who married an American is considered a "lottery winner."

Most Americans I meet wouldn't mind this because they are blessed and wouldn't bother to share it but in a long run, this will cause a drift later on.

So my advice, at the very early stage, Fiancee should talk to her family and draw the line when to ask or not and up until when. A child doesn't have an obligation to his siblings so as to his parents but since we are Filipinos we are trying to be nice.

I only have 3 rules when it comes to helping;

-I don't want to help on something that was brought by stupidity.

-I don't want to help about something that I've dealt before. If the issue is recurring, they should figure out how to prevent it from happening again.

-I don't want to help someone who had a reputation of being a mess.

Heh, I agree everything you said here, too. I talked to my fiancee early about this and she knows where I stand on this. Also, her mentality has slowly moved into my corner of thinking as well, mainly because she's pretty much fed up with it as well. She used to tell me goals for his siblings, that she want them to accomplish this and that, so when she did try to make the effort to help them, their effort wasn't given in return. I told her you can't put your goals and mindset into other people. So now she's still willing to help, but if she signs of slacking off, she quickly stops helping. I think she's just tired of being disappointed and learn quickly that if they know that she's always there to help them out, then there's no motivation to do better.

Also, she's tired that the only times they actually call her is to ask money. I think that's one of the things that really hurt her and made her realize everything. She would actually cry about it and made her feel lonely because no one in her family understood what she was going through.

I also like your list. Completely agree with that. I also don't want to help someone start a business. That's actually my fiancee's first rule lol... because I remember my fiancee telling me that she once saved her money and sent it to her parents to start a business. She sent money weekly and her parents would update her about where the money went. Fast forward a year later when she went home, there was no business. She didn't send money or talk to them for 6 months.

[Kevin&Lenith 36]

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

I just want to hear from people's experience concerning this topic...

I'm actually Fil-Am, so my experience is a little different coming from my perspective compared to an American marrying their fiancee and realizing later that you did not just marry her, but she also came with a family that needs support. My experience started with my parents sending money back home. My siblings and I grew up rather quickly and realized at an early age that if we wanted something in life that we had to work hard for it. I just find it perplexing that my parents instilled this in us, but at the same time would willingly send money to their siblings in The Philippines. I would understand if they were sending them to college to better themselves, but 30 years later they are still sending money to not only support their siblings, but now their siblings' kids and even grand kids.

I even find it hard to understand why my parents would send money to their siblings who made bad decisions in their lives, but would not send money to their few siblings who actually made something out of themselves. It's like there's a reward for failure. I wouldn't mind all this, if it wasn't affecting our home life growing up. My siblings had to sacrifice a lot. It may sound petty, but we learn Santa didn't exist at an early age, when you make a list for Christmas and never get anything on it. Mom had to send money to all her siblings for Christmas, so they can have "something to eat." While their kids didn't care anymore for Christmas, because what's the point of hoping, when you're not going to get anything besides towels and socks. My parents sacrifice a lot for their family in The Philippines, but it does affect your kids if there's no balance. You don't pressure your kids to get scholarships because you didn't bother to save for their college education or send them on a guilt trip and ask them to sacrifice on Christmas because we have a better life than our cousins in The Philippines. My siblings and I don't expect or ask anything from our parents, everything we got, we earned it on our own and we're actually proud of that fact.

I just refused to continue this tradition and I do not want my future kids to experience this growing up. My fiancee has family and siblings she plans to support until they graduate from college. Which I do not mind at all because she actually put a time limit on her support. We've talked about it and I already told her that once we have kids this will have to stop. If it doesn't stop, I do not want kids. I don't mean stop helping them, but the constant help. I don't mind helping if there's an emergency or when it comes to education purposes or to help them move up, but I will not put up with supporting anyone who can't get their act together. I'm not paying for other people's mistakes and bad choices. My fiancee knows that I will do anything to make her happy, but I draw the line on certain things, this is one of them.

Wow sorry if this was long.

That was an awesome post on your right on the Money. My fiancee will be here tonight and we have already had this discussion. She has never asked me for one penny, although without being asked I have been very considerate. We had not planned for her to work, unless she wanted to. She has an elderly mother who may need a little help from time to time. This is fine and i told her I would be more than willing to help her as small needs arose. Actually I will enjoy doing this as she is part of my family now. However as you said, I made it clear we were not going to be helping those that could do for themselves. If I have it extra and someone needs some help to go to college, or something that will help them better themselves I may consider it.

What you are saying leads into what has become a problem in this country. Those of us who work and made the right choices, are increasingly being burdened by those that choose not to better themselves and expect a ever increasing government to supply their needs. I don't think anybody minds helping those who for whatever reason need a hand up or who through no fault of their own can not provide for themselves. I am sorry but poor should mean poor, and it should motivate a person to better themselves. All too often we hear tales of Non working Mothers who spit out baby after Baby, being provided Nice HUD homes, they have direct TV, government provided Cell phones, drive nice cars etc etc. That has go to stop. Ok sorry I kind of got off track.

Look at the number of posters on VJ who continually bemoan that they are on public assistance and do not make above the poverty level, but are trying to get a sponsor to bring a loved one over. That always makes my Blood Pressure go up a tad.

Anyway great post. You are very level headed.

Charity is injurious unless it helps the recipient to become independent of it.

John D. Rockefeller

[mapletree 33]

Definitely a topic to be fully discussed before marriage.

[TeapotGirl 66]

One thing that an American should understand with Filipino culture is that, in earlier times even earlier than 80's a lot of women do not work. When they get married, they give up their career to become the best homemaker to produce "better children". Most Filipinos do not have health insurance and educational plan. So if one of their kids finish school and ready to get a job, they have to help their younger siblings in their school expenses as well as on the utilities. They usually do not leave home until they're married, and sometimes they still stay at home even if they are. The ones that has most responsibilities in the family are eldest, and the most blessed (financially) sometimes The only guy in the siblings. So if you are married to the eldest, expect this. People wants to have kids out of bio pressure and they want someone to take care of them when they get old. Insurance and pension never crossed their mind because they have children.

Why they keep on bearing babies? The church do not support contraceptives.

[El Cachalote 12]

Sorry for your problems,

I understand totally!! Since I've been married to my Peruvian wife...I have put running water in my Mother-in-Law's house, I have brought a moped for her and her mom. On top of this, I send her $200 every week as her pension until her immigration papers are finished. A friend told me that when you marry a Peruvian...you are also marrying her family. Know what? I'm American and I don't think so! I love my wife and her family. I will help them when I can...but if I can, and certainly not on a regular basis. In these tough economic times....I only wish to care for my wife and myself.

I told her if she wants to support her family...on a regular basis, then she needs to earn the income to do so. I also reminded her that I am part of her family too!

Money problems are common in every marriage. Also, I think in many countries less affluent than the USA....people think all Americans are loaded with money! I wish but it is not the case.

Be well and best of luck.

Magnus

[rlogan 2,036]

Also, she's tired that the only times they actually call her is to ask money. I think that's one of the things that really hurt her and made her realize everything. She would actually cry about it and made her feel lonely because no one in her family understood what she was going through.

This is extremely important. They DO know what she is going through, but they don't care. So why should she help people that don't care about her?

Good people can do bad things. They can become corrupt, cruel, and manipulative. You have to work this out before she comes to the USA: make it clear that if they try to pull emotional blackmail for money that it will be the end of relations with them.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

My husband comes from a similar culture , made worse by the fact that his father had 3 wives and 21 other children. We have adapted the policy that we will help his mother and family members who are using money for things we support. I really got upset with the sister that was asking for money yet had the money for bigger vacations than I do.

[TeapotGirl 66]

Good people can do bad things. They can become corrupt, cruel, and manipulative. You have to work this out before she comes to the USA: make it clear that if they try to pull emotional blackmail for money that it will be the end of relations with them.

One thing about most Filipinos are, they ask indirectly. Typical Asian nature. I've heard a lot of Americans say that but when you hear their family say; "My dad is hurt, he needs medicine and nothings left.", "We have been hit by a typhoon last week, house is a wreck.", or "Your sister needs this in school. That's kinda costly."...that means- I NEED MONEY.

Believe that they're not really asking if they just plainly said it and there's a follow up statement that there's something being done to solve it.

If they think you should have done something and you didn't and it resulted to worst they'll say "Eh, kasi ikaw."..meaning.."If only...this would not have happened"

Edited November 12, 2011 by teapotgurl1983

[Zen Den 18]

I just want to hear from people's experience concerning this topic...

I'm actually Fil-Am, so my experience is a little different coming from my perspective compared to an American marrying their fiancee and realizing later that you did not just marry her, but she also came with a family that needs support. My experience started with my parents sending money back home. My siblings and I grew up rather quickly and realized at an early age that if we wanted something in life that we had to work hard for it. I just find it perplexing that my parents instilled this in us, but at the same time would willingly send money to their siblings in The Philippines. I would understand if they were sending them to college to better themselves, but 30 years later they are still sending money to not only support their siblings, but now their siblings' kids and even grand kids.

I even find it hard to understand why my parents would send money to their siblings who made bad decisions in their lives, but would not send money to their few siblings who actually made something out of themselves. It's like there's a reward for failure. I wouldn't mind all this, if it wasn't affecting our home life growing up. My siblings had to sacrifice a lot. It may sound petty, but we learn Santa didn't exist at an early age, when you make a list for Christmas and never get anything on it. Mom had to send money to all her siblings for Christmas, so they can have "something to eat." While their kids didn't care anymore for Christmas, because what's the point of hoping, when you're not going to get anything besides towels and socks. My parents sacrifice a lot for their family in The Philippines, but it does affect your kids if there's no balance. You don't pressure your kids to get scholarships because you didn't bother to save for their college education or send them on a guilt trip and ask them to sacrifice on Christmas because we have a better life than our cousins in The Philippines. My siblings and I don't expect or ask anything from our parents, everything we got, we earned it on our own and we're actually proud of that fact.

I just refused to continue this tradition and I do not want my future kids to experience this growing up. My fiancee has family and siblings she plans to support until they graduate from college. Which I do not mind at all because she actually put a time limit on her support. We've talked about it and I already told her that once we have kids this will have to stop. If it doesn't stop, I do not want kids. I don't mean stop helping them, but the constant help. I don't mind helping if there's an emergency or when it comes to education purposes or to help them move up, but I will not put up with supporting anyone who can't get their act together. I'm not paying for other people's mistakes and bad choices. My fiancee knows that I will do anything to make her happy, but I draw the line on certain things, this is one of them.

Wow sorry if this was long.

no matter what culture, sending a regular allowance (even if you can afford it) is wrong (unless family member is paralized or sometthing) because it's obviously saying "leave everything to me, you don't need to work ever" sending on occasion (christmas) is ok because that's being thoughtful toward your family so far away. now, sending when you can't afford to it is obviously impractical, so....

once your fiancee is able to work, let her find work and let her help her family and at then remind her once in a while about what you talked about and your experience so she doesn't spoil them. =)