sending money to the family back in the phils

[oregon75 0]

Ok, here is our problem. One that I’m sure is all too common! My wife has been in the USA for over three years and thankfully all is well with us here. Our problem is trying to help out the family back in the Philippines. My wife has three sisters and her two parents living back in Cebu. The Mom and Dad left their property in the province years ago over some family fights. They only had a nipa roofed house anyways. They then moved to the city with the oldest sister who had met a foreigner. The Mom, Dad and sisters stayed with the older sister and foreigner for a few years until recently more infighting and bickering led to her parents finding their own apartment in the city (with our financial support of course). Now it’s become obvious to us that we can’t afford to pay rent for them and help with all their living expenses. Some of them work, but they make next to nothing. Once we told them that we’re having problems sending more money there is more arguing and fighting and we’re being called cheap and selfish!!! This really hurts, especially when some of our hard earned money is going over there and there seems to be no appreciation. Of course they all think we’re rich, and I wish we were. They have no idea the cost of living in the USA.

We are currently sending about 300 USD a month. This seems like a lot to us but it’s not enough for them. Please give me some advice. Is this a fair amount, too much, too little??

[TeapotGirl 66]

Yes you are right that isn't fair. You don't even have an obligation to send them money but you are just being nice. It should be your wife to tell her parents to where they should stand. You and your wife should talk about it. That's her parents. I would never let my fiance be treated like that. Never. Even by my parents.

[Tahoma 2,292]

Cut off their allowance for a few months to teach them what "selfish" and "cheap" really mean.

Seriously, if you are sending more than you can afford, then you need to learn how to budget your money better. Send only what you can afford and nothing more. Tell the parents how much you can afford to send. Also, tell them if they continue to whine about it, you will hang up the phone. Then do it.

[TeapotGirl 66]

Common, they have been poor ever since, they passed it. They know how to find money no matter what. The only difference now is that they think that their son-in-law and their daughter is loaded that's why they keep pressing money. If they won't appreciate $300, then cut it off. That's the reason they were kicked off with your wife's brother in-laws house, right? They think they can run things because they're the parents. Teach those old fella a lesson.

[Leatherneck 693]

Ok, here is our problem. One that I'm sure is all too common! My wife has been in the USA for over three years and thankfully all is well with us here. Our problem is trying to help out the family back in the Philippines. My wife has three sisters and her two parents living back in Cebu. The Mom and Dad left their property in the province years ago over some family fights. They only had a nipa roofed house anyways. They then moved to the city with the oldest sister who had met a foreigner. The Mom, Dad and sisters stayed with the older sister and foreigner for a few years until recently more infighting and bickering led to her parents finding their own apartment in the city (with our financial support of course). Now it's become obvious to us that we can't afford to pay rent for them and help with all their living expenses. Some of them work, but they make next to nothing. Once we told them that we're having problems sending more money there is more arguing and fighting and we're being called cheap and selfish!!! This really hurts, especially when some of our hard earned money is going over there and there seems to be no appreciation. Of course they all think we're rich, and I wish we were. They have no idea the cost of living in the USA.

We are currently sending about 300 USD a month. This seems like a lot to us but it's not enough for them. Please give me some advice. Is this a fair amount, too much, too little??

If you are being refered to as "cheap and selfish" by those receiving your hard earned money each month, that is showing a lack of gratitude.

Sounds as if they have a sense of entitlement now. You mentioned the $300.00 is unaffordable, you still have to live within your means. Let your wife

explain to her family it is a simple budget issue and you can no longer continue to send the amount of money as you had in previous months.

Good luck...

[jameugiekaxavilon 25]

LEt your wife talk to her family, tell her to tell her family how you live in US. I hope everything will be okay for you and your in-laws!!

[Dan and Judy 614]

Ok, here is our problem. One that I'm sure is all too common! My wife has been in the USA for over three years and thankfully all is well with us here. Our problem is trying to help out the family back in the Philippines. My wife has three sisters and her two parents living back in Cebu. The Mom and Dad left their property in the province years ago over some family fights. They only had a nipa roofed house anyways. They then moved to the city with the oldest sister who had met a foreigner. The Mom, Dad and sisters stayed with the older sister and foreigner for a few years until recently more infighting and bickering led to her parents finding their own apartment in the city (with our financial support of course). Now it's become obvious to us that we can't afford to pay rent for them and help with all their living expenses. Some of them work, but they make next to nothing. Once we told them that we're having problems sending more money there is more arguing and fighting and we're being called cheap and selfish!!! This really hurts, especially when some of our hard earned money is going over there and there seems to be no appreciation. Of course they all think we're rich, and I wish we were. They have no idea the cost of living in the USA.

We are currently sending about 300 USD a month. This seems like a lot to us but it's not enough for them. Please give me some advice. Is this a fair amount, too much, too little??

What if just your mother lived in the Philippines and was working earning 200 pesos ($5) a day. Would you think that sending her $300 a month was sufficient?

I spend more than that on Groceries for myself and my son.

Well groceries are more expensive here. Not really, what we choose to eat is more expensive. If you were in PI you would probably spend more than $300 a month for two people to eat also.

They think you're rich because next to them you are rich, no two ways about it. Some Filipinos come here and send a full %50 of their income home.(working at Mcdonalds and living 12 to a house.)

Ok enough of the guilt trip.

Why are you sending them money in the first place? Generally sending them $5 helps them more than it hurts you.

There is a double standard. Your standard of living vs their standard of living. This is not a bad double standard it is why you can afford to help them.

If my mom was in PI I wouldn't expect her to go without airconditioning or to eat fishheads and rice everyday because she is used to my standard of living.

Thankfully my mom has a good pension and can take care of herself.

You can't even dream about helping 5 of them up to the American standard of living so throw that idea right out the door.

You are not under any official obligation to help them at all. They are adults. some are working , they can survive.

So you arn't going to help them because you have too and your not going to try to bring them up to an American standard of living.

So you need to balance two things in deciding how much to send.

#1 Your disposable income

#2 Their needs

You need to figure out your own budget, figure out your neccesities - mortgage , gas , electric, car expenses, insurance etc. add 10% because there are always

unexpected expenses. Include entertainment expenses and misc. subtract that number from your income and you are left with your disposable income.

Then figure out their expenses to the best of your ability.

Judy has an apt. in Caloocan city and the rent is 1600 pesos a month, electricity is 400 pesos a month (it would be more if she had a refrigerator) She estimated food

for herself and one adult son (semi-employed) at 4500 pesos a month, water 240 and we said misc. 1000 and then 500 a month for internet so she could chat from

home. She likes to cook with propane so that was around 800 pesos every now and then. That adds up to about 9000 pesos a month for two people.

Judy was earning 200 pesos a day( her old job was 350 a day but they went out of business) working 6 days a week. there are really 4.3 weeks in a month but I

just multiplied by 4 and came up with a monthly income of 4,800. her son used to have a steady job at a software company making 400 pesos a day but the recession

hit them and now he might work for one week and then be off for 3 weeks. so I didn't even count his income. 9000 - 4800 = 4200 otherwise known as $100.

That covered their basic expenses. She's coming here now and her sister's family is moving into that apartment along with Judy's son so there will be 3 adults and 3 children

living in that apartment. It includes a toilet/shower, a kitchen and a combination bedroom/living room. I do not intend to be supporting the adult son. but I will be sending

help to her dad who has not asked for any help but I have just become aware of his circumstances.

This is my 2cnd go round, 20 years ago I was going to school and working at Mcyd's and sleeping in my van and sending $300 a month to my wife while we were working

on getting her and 3 of her kids over here. It was never enough (she was busy gambling it away) She left her eldest son there with his wife. Once she was over here

she was always suspicious about what they did with the money we sent.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Um, yeah... I don't think so.

We used to send her Mom $100 a month and even told her don't count on it because despite my high salary our expenses are also high. We've paid for some things like her 1/2 brother is attending a Voc-Tech school but that is to help him be self sufficient and able to support his Mom (who isn't Anna's Mom).

Recently we discontinued sending money to her Mom and there was no protest from over there (at least not that Anna told me about, she handles all communication).

I have one rule when it comes to family and our resources: Our Nuclear Family (Me, Anna & the kids) come first! If after we're done covering our needs and reasonable wants there is something leftover then we'll share within reason but we don't support houses full of people who won't work to better their own situation. BTW, our needs includes our savings goals, I won't forgo having something for a rainy day just so someone on the other side of the planet can sit at home all day instead of work.

[sam357 4]

Most of this is good advice and one post is just bad advice. I kept a place in the PI for two years with my GF living there and it costs me no more than $350 a month for bills and to take care of her. That included rent, cable, internet and electricity, so you are really doing good by them to send them $300 a month. You are not obligated to send anything. I know it makes your wife feel bad because she wants to help but you will go broke and crazy trying to extend yourself to please someone who is selfish. I would send my GF extra each month if she wanted something which I had no problem doing.

When she was preparing to come here we had a long talk and she talked to her folks and told them how it would be. She even let me know they can only get something if it is really needed and that I would not send anything without asking her first because she knows some requests will be BS, which is just fine with me.

I would cut them off and not send a dime. First I would talk to the wife and let her see for herself how selfish they are being.

[dirtsquirter 7]

It will never be enough. If you send 300, they will need 400. If you send 400, they will need 500. I guess I was lucky in finding a woman who's family understands that my money is just that - my money. I work, I spend, I save, I budget. I laugh at people who send money regularly back to the Philippines to their family, and then wonder why they want more. Think about it, if someone was sending you money every month, and your mentality is to spend every peso you get, (filipino mentality), then of COURSE they need more. They will ALWAYS need more. It is never ending, and it will BE never ending, until you end it. This is not to say that sending money to your relatives is bad, it is just that when people EXPECT it, there isn't any reason to get up in the morning and be productive - their salary will be waiting for them at M Lullier once a month. Wake up and send what ever makes you feel good, you can easily afford, and stop trying to support 2 families on 1 salary. It sounds mean I know, but believe it or not, people here find a way to survive when money doesn't magically appear at their closest Western Union. It's called work.

[Laser1 63]

You might want to consider setting a date, a few months from now for when you will lower or cut off those payments. So maybe tell her that, in 3 months, you will lower payments to $100. It can be easier to negotiate that with people when the change is not immediate, allowing time to prepare for it.

Edited October 5, 2011 by Laser1

[DaveE 178]

It will never be enough. If you send 300, they will need 400. If you send 400, they will need 500. I guess I was lucky in finding a woman who's family understands that my money is just that - my money. I work, I spend, I save, I budget. I laugh at people who send money regularly back to the Philippines to their family, and then wonder why they want more. Think about it, if someone was sending you money every month, and your mentality is to spend every peso you get, (filipino mentality), then of COURSE they need more. They will ALWAYS need more. It is never ending, and it will BE never ending, until you end it. This is not to say that sending money to your relatives is bad, it is just that when people EXPECT it, there isn't any reason to get up in the morning and be productive - their salary will be waiting for them at M Lullier once a month. Wake up and send what ever makes you feel good, you can easily afford, and stop trying to support 2 families on 1 salary. It sounds mean I know, but believe it or not, people here find a way to survive when money doesn't magically appear at their closest Western Union. It's called work.

While I agree with most of what you say. The part bolded and underlined disturbs me. No one in my extended filipino family has ever asked me for a dime, (or peso). They work hard and save every available peso to put their kids through college. To say spending all you have is filipino mentality is just flat wrong. I send money every month to my step daughter to help with her college, while she works full time at a call center and goes to college full time. Over generalizations will get you every time.

Edited October 5, 2011 by DaveE

[DouglasFiel 53]

I'll repeat my comments of the past regarding this same topic...

If you can afford it,,, try to replace the potential income she could of added to the family...

Example: If she is educated as a nurse, teacher, or similar, they could make 10-15k per month.

Just a thought...

Regards,

[adiiann 163]

Ok, here is our problem. One that I’m sure is all too common! My wife has been in the USA for over three years and thankfully all is well with us here. Our problem is trying to help out the family back in the Philippines. My wife has three sisters and her two parents living back in Cebu. The Mom and Dad left their property in the province years ago over some family fights. They only had a nipa roofed house anyways. They then moved to the city with the oldest sister who had met a foreigner. The Mom, Dad and sisters stayed with the older sister and foreigner for a few years until recently more infighting and bickering led to her parents finding their own apartment in the city (with our financial support of course). Now it’s become obvious to us that we can’t afford to pay rent for them and help with all their living expenses. Some of them work, but they make next to nothing. Once we told them that we’re having problems sending more money there is more arguing and fighting and we’re being called cheap and selfish!!! This really hurts, especially when some of our hard earned money is going over there and there seems to be no appreciation. Of course they all think we’re rich, and I wish we were. They have no idea the cost of living in the USA.

We are currently sending about 300 USD a month. This seems like a lot to us but it’s not enough for them. Please give me some advice. Is this a fair amount, too much, too little??

Honest advice....

Don't send money if you think you only have enough esp. if you are living paycheck to paycheck. Send only what you can afford. If after that and it seems they are not contented. Let them know that you guys here have your own family to take of. Then if they are giving you an attitude because of sending money that they think isn't enough, better stop sending money until they realize they're wrong. Your wife need to stand on this decision because this will affect your life financially and maybe more.

[skiptex 225]

is this like a typical thing?! i do not know, hence me asking..

marrying a fillipino, and then you have some kind of "understood" obligation to care for extended family back on the islands?!