Helping her to adjust to life here

[spikedog 2]

Thanks for all the advise. There are a lot of Filipina's here (my sister in-law included) and I have been my girl through Facebook. Also, my fiance's sister came over in 2009 and lives about 100 miles away. We are planning a weekend visit shortly after she gets here. She also has a friend that lives a little farther, but we may be able to visit there too.

I am remodeling my house, so it may not be the cleanest, but it is understood and we are talking about paint colors and decorating. I am planning to take a trip to the Asian market and get a big rice cooker. I have a couple of warm jackets/coats already in he closet and plan to take one when I pick her up.

Again thanks,

Jim

[BobnCherry 10]

First off, don't waste your time cleaning. No matter what, your efforts won't get it quite right, and she will do it again anyways.

As for making her "adjust", just make sure there are no visible marks. When smacking her around you don't want evidence if she happens to go to the hospital afterwards. I have found a tube sock with two tennis balls inside very effective.

I 3rd the don't bother cleaning Cherry was barely inside the house and was cleaning already jeez....

I planned this way in advance and got to know some filipinas locally so she has someone to chat with as a matter of fact she's hanging out at with gal again today while I work.

Family family family keep her in touch with them no matter the cost or inconvience Cherry just glows when she talks to her family.

Dave thanks for the tube sock idea

Bob

[Caryh 5,206]

I'm just running into this homesickness issue now. Its hard watching her go through it, wishing there was something I could do to help her, but realizing I've done about all I can. She's been here four weeks now, and its really began to show its head on the second week after I had to go back to work. She texts home, to her sister mainly, and her mother to. But they're generally sleeping the hours I'm in the office. I'm trying to be supportive, but there's only so much a guy can do. She misses family and the ability to get anywhere in a jeepney mainly. Or at least that's what she's said. She has plenty of foods from home. She's made some friends here, but her first time out with them got canceled today.

As to the clean house, I was told I did pretty good for a guy lol, but its never looked so good as it has since she got here.

[gretchen_darren 67]

We are on our 3rd week of being here. the first week and second week were the worst for her. She really missed fmaily. The first week was a lot of talking to fmaily back home in the Philippines. the main thing I did was to establish to her family I am taking care of her. But that she is also mine now. This is something customary to the family. It is very important to do this in her native language to her family. It means a lot to your fiancee. things really changed when I did this with Gretchen.

Cleaning. Be prepared to search for things. My WII games disappeared, the wii wireless bar disappeared. Be prepared to look for things with her. Or show her what is important.

Be prepared to show her how to mmop, how to use a sweeper, how to use the dishwasher and clothes washer/dryer. Have dishsoap on hand. (she will want to wash dishes anyway).

Be prepared to find clothes in the shower area she washed anyway the old fashioned way.

Be prepared to explain putting things in the fridge, or in tupperware then in the fridge. How to cook or do things here. Be prepared to show how to use a stove, grill, etc. Be prepared to explain not to mix bleach with ammonia. (I have bleach tablets in my toilets and she put in Pine-sol one time.)

Spend time with her. Talk with her. Spend time having her teach you her language. Expect to watch romantic movies, TLC, cinema one. Get to like HYY on TLC and don't be afraid to admit you watch HYY for the dancing girls.

Rice cooker and proper rice is extremely important. Be prepared for food she may not like. And be patient on her trying American food. It will take some time. And be ready to eat Filipino food from time to time.

Tell her good morning sayo (this commercial stucnk in my head) or muyen butag angel ko. We have family in town. So spends a lot of time with "mama fey" (grandma fey)

Get her involved with your friends. Take her to your office and show her what you do. Tell her you love her every day. Ask her to marry you every day. Tell her, and her family you cannot live without her, and if she left you would miss her very much. Let her talk to family and friends. But also show you care and want to know.

teach her the "americanisms": skinny-dipping, moonshine, wearing a baseball cap, sneakers, driving in lanes, horns not honking, traffic lights, pedistrian right of way, cost of food, Frozen foods, refrigerator, cost of data over a smartphone, monthly billing, no security at stores or malls. Drive-thru. Tacos, burritos. get involved in a church, or find a local catholic church for her. Show interest in her.

[rlogan 2,036]

but seems like impossible to him to take me there...

i just learn that,you cannot depend yourself to others all the time you has to do something also to help out your self..from your own willingness....

Wow, I have to agree too with Dave - that was great about taking charge yourself. But I am a little sad about the husband not taking you to wright wood! More than a little sad, actually

To the OP -

With mine, it was all about communication. Having her tell me what she felt, every day, for better or worse. Feelings are facts. So we get those out on the table and talk about them. Most of the problems we have are due to poor communication. Filipinas can tend to keep their feelings to themselves and be stoic, but keep after her. If you sense any kind of problem, have her tell you. It is not fair to keep it from you and deny you the opportunity to make things better.

For us, it worked wonderfully. She never got homesick. Did Yahoo chat with family. But then things went wrong. She started acting in bizarre ways, almost like she had lost her mind. At one point I was so exasperated I looked at her and said "this is it, you are REALLY over the line now, ####### is WRONG with you?! Then it dawned on me. She was pregnant! We got a pregnancy test kit, and sure enough - knocked up and hormones running amok.

[tripod 0]

aside from cleaning the house, tfc, asian store. u might want to get rid of the stuff u and ur ex has e.g. pictures. based on some pinay who just arrived in US, while cleaning the house they would find pictures. And no matter how we try to understand that its part of ur past, we wil always remain sensitive

[Tahoma 2,292]

She never got homesick.

I was beginning to think Chinook was the only one who didn't get homesick.

@OP...

> Don't buy any Pinoy food until she gets here and you can take her grocery shopping. She'll want to buy her favorite brands, and she'll enjoy going shopping together with you.

> Don't buy a rice cooker before she gets here. She may not even use a rice cooker and, instead, may prefer cooking rice on the stovetop and using her thumb to measure. If she prefers a rice cooker, go shopping together and let her choose her own rice cooker.

> Don't be in a hurry when you go with her to an American grocery store. Always allow plenty of time for her to examine all 65,000 items in the store.

> Don't forget to buy a walis tambo and a dustpan with a long handle before she arrives. Otherwise, you will not rest until she has them.

> If you live in a cold climate, take her clothes shopping for some warm clothes.

> For you K-1ers, start right away preparing to adjust her status.

> Take her down to the local Social Security office and apply for a Social Security number a week or so after she arrives.

> Get her a state ID card as soon as possible.

> Add her name onto bills, health insurance, bank account, lease, etc.

> Find a good driving school. Never give her driving lessons yourself. Consider yourself warned!

[gretchen_darren 67]

aside from cleaning the house, tfc, asian store. u might want to get rid of the stuff u and ur ex has e.g. pictures. based on some pinay who just arrived in US, while cleaning the house they would find pictures. And no matter how we try to understand that its part of ur past, we wil always remain sensitive

YEs, I have been dealing with this as well. The ex is coming into the house to get the kids. etc. It was causing gretchen to be jealous. So I had to sit down and explain things to her. How my ex was trying to cause trouble between us. Plus how my ex is waatching the house for things in order to use in court for more child support etc. I have had several long conversations with her and with the fmaily. Be prepared to express exactly how you feel about your ex to your fiancee, as well as how you feel exactly about your fiancee to your fiancee. My Filipina angel is very jealous but hides it sometimes. My angel is not jealous over other filipinas but is extremely jealous over my ex. I can't stand my ex, and only deal with my ex because of my kids. All I know is it has been some long long conversations.

The one thing I like is Gretchen also has my sense of humor. My angel was laughing at the movie "Spy Hard" last night. She did not get all of the references, But we had fun watching the movie.

[gretchen_darren 67]

I must add do not buy "minute rice" or other rice from the grocery store. Make sure the rice you have at home is jasmine rice or sweet rice from Thailand and Philippines. est ability is to look at the Asian markets in your area or Costco.

Microwave rice cooker is good. Highly suggest this.

Tupperware and containers. make sure you have some, and labels.

Fruit. Find out where fresh fruit is in your area. Be prepared to spend time shopping there. Also, be prepared to buy some fruit you do not like. s well as buy some fruit she has never tried before: peaches, pears, plums, grapes, cantelope, oranges, tangerines, grapefruit, plantains. (some of these you will have to explain. Limes nad mangoes are bigger. Sweet potatoes are different. Lemon. You will spend a lot of time in the fresh fruit and vegetable sections. I am taking her to a really nice supermarket today, expecting to spend a lot of time. Also, going to chipotle and other stores. Going to be fun.

then the deli will be new to her as well. Similar, but nothing like they are used to. The deli is more European tradition.

Also, be prepared to have friends over for her while you are at work. Or arrange to take her somewhere while you are at work. In time she will get used to being alone most of the day, or she will make friends to spend time with. Just be prepared to help her. Also, while at work call her often, every hour, every other hour, make sure she is ok. This is VERY important. Show concern for her.

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

Love readng all your comments. My asawa will be here next month hopefully. The house cleaning thing has me really stressed out. I am not nasty but I am challenged in that area. I see most of you saying don't worry about she is going to redo everything anyway. Makes me feel better.

[rlogan 2,036]

Love readng all your comments. My asawa will be here next month hopefully. The house cleaning thing has me really stressed out. I am not nasty but I am challenged in that area. I see most of you saying don't worry about she is going to redo everything anyway. Makes me feel better.

Ha ha - don't worry about it! Sure, do what you can. There's no way your place could be worse than mine! I think I am in the running for some kind of title in slum living. She's supposed to improve your life, right? Let her do the job she's more than happy to do.

[kev_n_jena 89]

Speaking of our experience and that of others in our same situation, I can say there's really no way to tell how much home sickness a person will feel. It depends on the individual.

Jena had been living with her aunt and uncle and working on a different island than her parents when we met online. I think that helped her in her move here to the US. I also got her an apartment for the last 3 or 4 months before she got her visa. I think that helped a lot. It was mainly so she could have wifi and chat more often with me.

I made it a point to meet some local Filipinos before Jena got here and introduced her to them when she arrived. An older couple we know took her parents place at our wedding. We also incorporated some Filipino traditions during the wedding ceremony. (coins, cord, veil)

If you have family near you, hopefully then can be involved in your lives. My folks love her as their own daughter. Actually they might love her more than me I'm sure if we had a difference of opinion they'd take her side!

It took me awhile to figure out when my wife was getting homesick. She had a hard time expressing herself to me when we were first married. As she would put it, "she was a little shy to show her feelings to me". She wasn't so much homesick, rather she missed her little sister mostly, they are very close. She would become withdrawn and very quiet. I would ask her what was the matter but she wouldn't speak to me about it. I would think it was something I did wrong and try to pry it out of her which usually made things worse. After many episodes, she started telling me, "I just miss my family". The only thing I could do at that point was to try to comfort her and get her on the phone to her folks. Thankfully she adjusted and she doesn't experience those feelings now.

If she can't open up to you at first, don't be surprised. Just show her love and explain that a husband and wife need to be open and honest with each other.

Congrats!

[Dan and Judy 614]

I yanked all the seats and tanks off my toilets and bought a karaokee machine. I've got a tub of water in the garage for breeding mosquitos, gave the washer and dryer to goodwill and Im paying a neighborhood kid

to stand outside our window and yell "B A L U T"

Edited October 9, 2011 by Dan and Judy

[spikedog 2]

I yanked all the seats and tanks off my toilets and bought a karaokee machine. I've got a tub of water in the garage for breeding mosquitos, gave the washer and dryer to goodwill and Im paying a neighborhood kid

to stand outside our window and yell "B A L U T"

I Love it I never did get used to the toilet thing when I was there and at first could not find the toilet paper. I stayed with my girl's parents and on my first trip to the grocery (my first day) I bought some 'tissue'. They said not to put that into the toilet, but I stood by my guns and said it was am American thing. I have been thinking of how to approach her delicately about some bathroom issues (i.e. toilet seats, flushing the paper, and even using paper) Any advise?

Edited October 9, 2011 by spikedog

[rheanick 42]

I Love it I never did get used to the toilet thing when I was there and at first could not find the toilet paper. I stayed with my girl's parents and on my first trip to the grocery (my first day) I bought some 'tissue'. They said not to put that into the toilet, but I stood by my guns and said it was am American thing. I have been thinking of how to approach her delicately about some bathroom issues (i.e. toilet seats, flushing the paper, and even using paper) Any advise?

tell her to bring "tabo" from the philippines.