I need some opinions

[Maliajannah 0]

Hello everyone, Thanks in advance to those who reply.

I met my husband in Ecuador 3 years ago and about one year ago we decided to get married and get him here on a K1 visa. I came home to California to do the paperwork, so we spent over six months apart and he finally arrived on February 2nd. During this whole time we talked on the phone all the time and were very much in love. I visited him, and I thought I could never be happier.

Unfortunately, shortly after his arrival (within the week?) he began showing strange behavior. I thought at first he was just uncomfortable in a new country, not speaking English, and all of the unfamiliar things he was doing, but it just got worse. He would call me 5 or 6 times during my shift at work to make sure I was working and not having sex with other men. He would always accuse me of cheating on him when I came home from work, or when we would be walking together and I would look at other men (now, when I say looking I mean with my eyes, not flirting and smiling, just looking). When I would deny it he would become angry and call me a ####### or a #######. I am not cheating on him and I haven't since we decided to be serious with each other 2 years ago. He however, feels that I did cheat on him because I didn't see him as my partner for the first year we knew each other (when I met him and spent 3 weeks out of the entire year with him). He feels like I am lying to him all the time because I was with other people during that first year. Since August 2009 when I went down to stay with him for a while I have not slept with anyone but him.

Then after a couple of months here living and fighting and wasting our 90 days away he admits to me that HE cheated on ME while we were traveling and living together in Peru about a year and a half ago. While I was sleeping in our bed, he was drunk f*ing some girl in the bathroom of the club, later to come home and sleep it off while I went to work. During all this time I have been supporting him, sending money to him in Ecuador, and later when we were traveling, paying all expenses. Of course his admission caused another huge fight in which I called him a hypocrite for calling me a cheater when he cheated worse than I ever could have. He slept on the sofa, but the next day I forgave him... I told him now we're even (even though we're not) and that we should leave it all behind but he didn't. He continued to accuse me of cheating (now with my female friends too!) and any time I would leave the house for any reason he would call me every 30 minutes to make sure I was "being good."

I lost my job after 2 months and I'm still not sure if it was related to my-then-fiance and his constant vigilance or if the owner really couldn't pay my wage anymore (which is what he told me). Without a job I am unable to sponsor my husband in AOS (I have no willing co-sponsors) and I am still unemployed almost 4 months later. I had money for AOS saved so I had a little something at least. As you can imagine, loosing my income put us in a bad place and made all of our problems worse. Luckily, he had misc. landscaping jobs he could do without documents and he supported us for a couple months. We still spent a lot of time fighting, but I could tell he felt better about himself once he was contributing. Things got a little better but our 90 days were about to expire and I couldn't just brake it off... I love him so much and we had so many wonderful experiences together that even with the fighting I didn't want to brake up... I want the best for him (of course) and I couldn't just put him back on a plane to Esmeraldas where he has no opportunities... He comes from a very poor family in a village with something like 70% unemployment. I can't just send him back, I can't.

We married on the 89th day of the K1 visa and that day I felt so wonderful but less than a week later we got into another screaming match in which he called me a ####### and a ####### and a bad woman and all the rest. He has never been physically violent with me but that night he threatened me so I went to sleep at my mothers house. After that I told him I couldn't live with him anymore... I sent him to live with some buddies he found playing soccer, about 30 minutes away from our house. Once he is living somewhere else he becomes so apologetic and loving he says he's so sorry (as he always does after a fight) and that he wants to come back etc. I tell him we need time to get our sh*t together and that I won't take him back until he stops calling me puta y sorra y el resto.

It's been over a month that we've been living separately now, and things have been better. We don't fight hardly ever because we only see each other for a couple of hours a week and I love it (the not fighting part). I decided to move to a bigger city because I can't find a job here and I thought maybe a couple of months later he could come and move with me there- once I have a job again and I am able to support him again he could come back... This is what I was thinking, but he doesn't want that, he wants to be with me NOW. He says he's changed, that he loves me, and that he didn't come to the US to live with a bunch of guys, he came to live with me. But, I know he hasn't changed because he still accuses me of cheating or planning to cheat, and he still becomes irrationally angry and rude whenever something doesn't go his way. And he still drinks. I know that planning a future on some unknown "change" is not very smart... but...

To make all matters worse, last week I went to bring him to visit late at night and I was so sleepy he offered to drive. Even though he doesn't have a license yet, I trust his driving skills. He said he had had 2 beers earlier and I thought he wouldn't offer to drive if he had been drinking (besides, 2 budlites are not going to get you drunk). Shortly after we get going he begins to drive erratically. He got angry about something (probably that I was still unwilling to have him back at home) and he began to speed up and slow down quickly and inappropriately. I got scared, I thought he was going to crash, and so I tried to get out of the car at the stop. He wouldn't let me leave and began to speed up again (on a crowded Friday night while everyone is walking the bar crawl) and a police officer saw us. He stopped us and I apologized saying we were fighting and that I would drive, but of course the cop had to pull my husband out of the car and test him for drunk driving. Turned out he blew 1.1% BAC (legal limit in CA is 0.08% or approx. 4 beers in an hour) and got a DUI! He maintained he had only had 2 budlites to the cops and to me, until 3 days later when he finally admits he had had 10 beers.

So, now he has a court date for his DUI and driving without a license, he's lying to me about I who knows what, we're still fighting, I'm still unemployed, we still haven't filed for AOS, and... we're f*cked right? This is just one long nightmare, right? Someone hit me over the head. Please.

[TracyTN 237]

If the trust is gone (sounds like it surely is on his side with the constant accusations of cheating), I don't really know where you can go as a couple.

The fact that he's worked without authorization and now has a DUI on his record are going to make adjusting status extremely difficult, aside from all the financial and marriage issues you have.

Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, move on and protect yourself first. You don't owe him a life here. He hasn't done much to deserve one here anyway from the sound of it.

[nane1104 146]

WOW, I am sorry you have t deal with your husband being like this.

To me he sounds like he has some serious issues and I personally wouldn't believe his "change" at all. IF he is serious and he can admit he has some problems and gets professional help, I have to say I don't see a long future for your marriage.

I understand the love you have for him, but you have to look at this a little more rationally, imo.

The whole time he has been in the US seems to have turned your life upside down and it's spiraling down further and further. A DUI now? What's next?

I don't want to give you advice but I think I can say I am pretty sure I'd file for divorce and move on. You are not responsible for how his life would be back home, you don't even have to worry about him going home or not.

But I wouldn't allow this man to any further ruining your life.

Best wishes!!! Stay strong!

[A + M 29]

Kick him to the curb!

[Fandango 1,439]

He's f*cked, you're not. What are you holding onto?

[Maliajannah 0]

The fact that he's worked without authorization and now has a DUI on his record are going to make adjusting status extremely difficult, aside from all the financial and marriage issues you have.

How does having a DUI make adjusting status more dfficult?

The only place there is any evidence of his working without papers is here in this post, so, that is not one of the things on the list making our life harder.

[Fandango 1,439]

Honestly, you allow him to work without authorization, you allow him to drive your car with no license, you're living apart even though you're married...what is it exactly that is drawing you to make one poor decision after another? I really don't get it.

Ontop of that, he's verbally abusive, he's cheated on you, and he's overly suspicious.

BTW...you may trust his driving, but if he would have hit someone, I dare to think of what could have happened to you insurance/liability wise.

I think it's bigger picture time here...you're moving away, he's with some buddies, you know he works without authorization, you don't currently want him back, but you'd like him to stay here. You keep this up, and you may be looking at marriage fraud. Of course, this is worst case scenario, but still the truth.

I really don't get what the draw is for you.

'Oh but I love him Jerry'

Edited July 20, 2011 by Anita Cocktail

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

He sounds like a total and complete loser. Wow, your relationship is so destructive, working illegally, driving without a license, DUI's and cheating. Ouch.

I would cut my losses and move on. You are worth more than this and deserve better, don't you?

Best of luck to you.

Edited July 20, 2011 by ~Laura and Nick~

[M.Add 5]

Maliajannah,

It's good that you opened up to us and you are reaching out for advice.

YOU have to follow your instinct and make your your decisions, no matter what someone tells you.Read our answers but do only what you think is right for you.

Please, read this: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

[Darnell 8,478]

I say use the AOS fee monies you've saved to buy him a ticket back to his country. <EOM>

Edited July 21, 2011 by Darnell

[sara..... 371]

if a man or women is verbally abusive and emotionally abusive there is no relationship to work on

just my opinion

sara

[Akaitay 2]

WOW! I'm at a loss for words! Im sorry you are experiencing this "nightmare". I Wish you luck with whatever you decide to do...

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

You've spend time, heart blood and money to allow a man to immigrate to the US that you thought you knew well enough, but now you realize that you were mistaken. Mistakes happen and the least harmful mistakes are those that you detect early. While that's not the case here you are at least at the point where you need to close this chapter of your life without getting dragged deeper into this, emotionally, financially, legally.

Time to cut your losses. I agree.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

I think you meant his BAC was 0.11%. It couldn't have been 1.1%. He'd be dead with half that much alcohol in his blood.

He may eventually outgrow his insecurity about you, but you will never regain the trust you've lost. If you hold on to this relationship then I predict things will get much worse long before they get better. He's jealous, insecure, controlling, manipulative, has a drinking problem, and he has a mean streak. He also has a disregard for the law. Your relationship will eventually become violent. Once that line has been crossed then the relationship has near zero chance of ever being normal.

You don't have to "send him back". His immigration status isn't your problem. But you should divorce him and move on with your life.

[TBoneTX 45,303]

M-Bone,

What you've described is classic Ecuatoriano "machista" behavior -- and I mean classic. The suspicion, the drinking, the double standards... I can't even chalk much of it up to his feeling like a "pescado out of water" in his new environment.

When I was courting & visiting the future Mrs. T-B., she mentioned this behavior to me, stating without rancor that this is why she could never marry an Ecuatoriano. She said, "Whether to a greater or lesser extent, every Ecuatoriano is a macho." I took intellectual note of it, but I privately dismissed it as exaggeration. Well, on my second visit, I did some observing. Every one of the dozen boyfriends/husbands that I observed exhibited machista behavior. Some of it was absolutely appalling. Even one of my future brothers-in-law -- so personable and popular and sweet with his kids and everything else -- blew up in a macho way over something completely innocuous. His poor little wife (my future sister-in-law) was terrified.

At our Stokes interrogation at the ####### Guayaquil consulate, the Foreign Service National who interviewed me asked why Mrs. T-B.-to-be wanted to marry an American. I told him that she wouldn't marry an Ecuatoriano because of the ingrown, inbred machista behavior that they all exhibited. He said, "Yes, there are still pockets of that here and there." When he said that, it was all that I could do not to bust through the Plexiglass and throttle him for being so dismissive of the obvious.

Your Ecuatoriano's behavior, abusiveness, and actions are just like those of a lowlife American redneck who lives in a trailer park. (How are they not?) That's the American equivalent of the caliber of guy that you married. To hell with feeling sorry for him. The objective situation is that, just like Mrs. T-B., you have no obligation to put up with any of this. His behavior and actions come from the culture and how he was raised, and he will not and cannot change. Despite your hopes and his apologies or protests, he will not change. Therefore, you need to cut the cord -- wish him well, but state that you have higher standards for treatment (which you do, or else you wouldn't have posted here), and he needs to leave. Use the AOS money to send him home, or to any other country where he might like to go.

As one whose previous marriage (to an Americana) was quite dysfunctional, I can tell you that as soon as he's permanently gone, you'll sit down in your now-peaceful home, open your favorite adult beverage, and say out loud to no one in particular, "I'm free." And it's the best feeling in the world, si man.