Filipina wife issues....advice please...

[PoloNiks 10]

Hey all, first my name is Scott...my wife is from the phillipines...we have been together over a year and married. We have her K1 visa and we are about to go back to the United States. I am a US Soldier and stationed in S. Korea....for the past year I have been sending money to her family, but during this time we have been financially struggeling. My wife is now 16 weeks pregnant with our son, which is amazing bc we have been trying for about 6 months...and while trying i told her on many occassions that once she was pregnant money would STOP to her family..but yet she doesnt see it that way.

It all started after we first met and her 4 year old sister needed eye surgery or she would go blind, it was only 300.00 USD so it wasnt that bad, but after that it was her family with their hand out on payday. I delt with it but now i cant because my son's future is at stake.

I was sending 350.00 USD every 2 weeks....totaled 7,500.00 USD in 1 year, and then I sent her home with 3000.00 USD when she went home to visit. She has 9 brothers and sisters, two of the boys being 20 and 21. She is the oldest child.

Last night I made a comment on her facebook about how happy I was we were having a son, i check later and her oldest brother posted "send money home now says momma". Now this made me extremely angry not only did he disrespect my way of life but he posted on my comment about my son with such non-sense.

Today she said she wanted to send 150.00 USD home, I told her no we had discussed last check we would send 100.00 USD every 2 weeks...and thats all. She wont talk to her family about them getting jobs, she just sits quietly and lets them beg and i have to see her upset and crying

This is causing our marriage to be in trouble..I love my wife and will do anything to make her happy...but I cant take this stress anymore...what do i do?!

As of now I am not sending any money to them, and she wont speak to me going on 2 days now....

[ready4ONE 5,400]

Sounds like a tough situation. I would say be patient, but firm. If you can't afford to help, you can't afford it. If you love your wife, and she loves you, then you need to talk this through. From my experience, you should try hard to wait until she is ready to talk. Don't send money, and don't try to force a conversation, let her bring the topic back up. Good luck!

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Your first problem is if you are married you can't use a K1 for her to enter the US. You have to use the NO word and if she wants to pout , let her pout. You can't continue to be a money tree for her family.

[PoloNiks 10]

it may not be a K1 not sure of the # on it, but i know it grants entrance into the USA and a green card. Did it through the US EMBASSY here in seoul, S. Korea

[Nica_In_Love 98]

Im sorry to hear about your problems, but before anything, you say you're married but talk about a K-1 Visa? Just clarify a bit on that please, K-1 are for fiancee (not yet married) couples. Perhaps you mistyped and it's K-3?

On the other hand, your responsibility is her and your son. She needs to understand that you cannot support her family, if she doesn't, then maybe she needs to reevaluate who comes first. Because to me, when you choose your partner in life, that's your #1.

[Lexlee08 18]

Hi Poloniks,

Welcome to VJ. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this issue right now. Unfortunately, Filipino families are generally like that. Being, Filipina myself, I am experiencing the same thing with my family. They expect me to support them "forever"! I am married to a Filipino naturalized USC, he grew up here so his "mentality" about helping my family is totally the opposite of how I feel, so initially it has been a very big issue with us. We were fighting and arguing about about finances during our 1st two years of marriage. But things got better especially when we got kids. Not only that I set limits to what I send them (fortunately I'm a nurse and I make good money) I stood by my husband. Before every time we will have an argument my family will not only take my side but will try to instigate something to make the argument much worse. My aunt and best friend talked some sense to me about standing up for my man and prioritizing my hubby and kids over my family, which is the best decision I ever did. Now, my family can't manipulate me anymore, they know where they stand.

Maybe you and your wife can compromise on something, if she wants to send money to her family she needs to work, however much she wants to send she should work for it. She will only know the value of money if she works hard to earn it. You have to think of your kids future. Make sure you have enough cushion/emergency fund/ retirement fund and things like that.

Stand your ground, I hate to say this but the silent treatment is a form of manipulation, just think of it this way, if you are not in their lives what would they do? Don't send them money, they are all abled body and they can find a way of helping themselves. It just makes me mad sometimes how the in-laws can be so selfish and just think of themselves, do they even think that this is becoming a strain in your marriage?

Well, at the end of the day you guys need to talk about it, set your priorities, if your in-laws get mad at you or both of you, then what are they gonna do? give them the silent treatment too! I wish you good luck and thanks for serving our country, stay safe and God bless you.

[krissyjoe 3]

my sympathy to you my friend I'm sorry you have to deal with those things...sad but that is really the reality here in the Philippines. You're lucky if you'll find a girl here who would understand that once you marry her it doesn't mean you're married to her entire clan and that you need to provide for them. I guess just talk to her again and if she's capable of working then maybe she could work so it's not only you who will shoulder everything. I hope you'll fix everything between the two of you and that it will save your marriage. Good luck!!!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Unfortunately this is a common problem with people with wives from the Philippines. It could also be other countries but there are many many posts about guys being forced to send money home for their wives families who do nothing to help themselves and expect to live off the US income.

I wish I had something to tell you but really, the issues will only resolve with your wife. She needs to be the one to tell her family but it's not going to be easy because she will feel guilt. It might help to get her to speak to other Filipino women in the same situation. Rationally her family can't expect her to keep sending so much money home when she has her own family now and a baby to raise soon.

She is the oldest you said of several children. That's a lot of people to work and give money back to the family so she should feel less guilt knowing that she ISN'T their only hope. She's just the only one that actually cares about the family. If the others cared they'd be working and helping out too.

I'm sorry. Offer her support but at the same time stand firm. Make sure she knows that you aren't withholding money because you're mean but because you love her and your child and you want both her and your child to have everything they need. Her family can survive without her and it's time they did.

Good luck.

**Edit - as someone else said, the silent treatment is a form of manipulation and is very immature. She will need to learn that the silent treatment won't work with you and that talking to you about the problem CALMLY will get more results.

Edited January 18, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony

[JNL 13]

Hey all, first my name is Scott...my wife is from the phillipines...we have been together over a year and married. We have her K1 visa and we are about to go back to the United States. I am a US Soldier and stationed in S. Korea....for the past year I have been sending money to her family, but during this time we have been financially struggeling. My wife is now 16 weeks pregnant with our son, which is amazing bc we have been trying for about 6 months...and while trying i told her on many occassions that once she was pregnant money would STOP to her family..but yet she doesnt see it that way.

It all started after we first met and her 4 year old sister needed eye surgery or she would go blind, it was only 300.00 USD so it wasnt that bad, but after that it was her family with their hand out on payday. I delt with it but now i cant because my son's future is at stake.

I was sending 350.00 USD every 2 weeks....totaled 7,500.00 USD in 1 year, and then I sent her home with 3000.00 USD when she went home to visit. She has 9 brothers and sisters, two of the boys being 20 and 21. She is the oldest child.

Last night I made a comment on her facebook about how happy I was we were having a son, i check later and her oldest brother posted "send money home now says momma". Now this made me extremely angry not only did he disrespect my way of life but he posted on my comment about my son with such non-sense.

Today she said she wanted to send 150.00 USD home, I told her no we had discussed last check we would send 100.00 USD every 2 weeks...and thats all. She wont talk to her family about them getting jobs, she just sits quietly and lets them beg and i have to see her upset and crying

This is causing our marriage to be in trouble..I love my wife and will do anything to make her happy...but I cant take this stress anymore...what do i do?!

As of now I am not sending any money to them, and she wont speak to me going on 2 days now....

Just need to remember and remind your wife and her family that they managed to survive before you came into the picture.

[RICARDO4EVA2 194]

Vanessa is right this comes out a lot from that part of the world. stop giving her family money. she's upset and won't talk to you because of this- ridiculous.

[MalaysianGirl 26]

Just need to remember and remind your wife and her family that they managed to survive before you came into the picture.

Hear hear. JNL is right, OP!

[SuperDuper! 230]

my sympathy to you my friend I'm sorry you have to deal with those things...sad but that is really the reality here in the Philippines. You're lucky if you'll find a girl here who would understand that once you marry her it doesn't mean you're married to her entire clan and that you need to provide for them. I guess just talk to her again and if she's capable of working then maybe she could work so it's not only you who will shoulder everything. I hope you'll fix everything between the two of you and that it will save your marriage. Good luck!!!

It is true. When you marry the Filipina, you marry the entire (extended) family. One needs to decide if he wants to sign on for this. It makes for tough sledding at times. In the end, only you can decide if itz worth it. Good luck!

[MJ&RJ 7]

you have to be firm and stand your ground. Don't try to bully her as she will just shut down even more. you have to understand that this is what her family expects from you but you don't have to send them money. If you didn't marry her then they would still have to survive the same way before you meet her. Basically they have gotten use to the way you send them money and became lazy. Your mistake is giving in to there demands in the first place.

I would have not given any money to see if it's love or just marrying for family support. I did my wife like that and she never asked me to support her family....but she also is a really proud filipina and refuses to ask me to help her family. When i did help I was visiting and staying with the family. I also never helped them directly, I helped my wife and in turn if she decided to give a little of what i gave her then so be it.

If your fiancée steadily ask you for money for her family, she is under tremendous pressure from her family to keep asking you. Take my advice the comment on Facebook is your line in the sand and cut them off. This will be the test of if it was love, convenience, or you will see how much she loves you but has the pressures of family. Family bonds are stronger in the Philippines then in the United States.

Lastly educate your wife on the fact the U.S. is not the land of milk and honey. Educate her on finances and a budget. Don't yell or scream because a filipina will just shut down and not learn anything. I educated my wife when we first meet that most foreigners are not rich at all. We just have jobs that pay more and that our bills are beyond what a filipino would think stuff should cost.

After I educated my wife she almost backed out because the way i told and showed her the real U.S. it sounded like a costlier version of the Philippines. When my wifes friends got to the U.S. they were sticker shocked at how much everything cost and how much harder they have to work for it. Some came back because they couldn't handle the western world and the beast it is. They came and talked to my wife starting to tell her what happen and my wife stopped them with one comment..."got your rose colored glasses broke over there huh". I could not stop laughing and said to myself wife is now prepared for what is behind the big lights.

Hope you take my advice and stop sending money and start dictating how things are going to roll. Block people from seeing their comments on your facebook page. If you send money...do it on your terms not theres. Don't send money that often either. Make them depend on themselves like you never entered the picture. Sorry if this offends some filipinos but the males 18 - 25 are super lazy. They rather depend on a handout than to work. They will use i'm going to college as a crutch....barely attending classes and not really learning anything.

the other side of the coin is if the filipina's meet a foreigner the families apply tremendous pressure for them to marry them just to support the family. Don't get me wrong some do it for love but a lot do it because of family obligations. The ones that marry for love are a treasure. The ones that can't break the family obligation can make a marriage miserable for both the husband and wife. For your fiancée realize that she is probably as miserable as you are with the pressures of her family. Try your best to understand her side and educate her on your side and come together in the middle. $100 is enough every 2 weeks...the two boys in there 20's need to man up and get a job sorry to say.

Glad my wifes brother isn't like that...he takes care of his own wife and kids. But appreciates me helping out since I'm his older and only brother. Rest of the in laws I don't help at all unless I feel compelled to and that is not remotely often. Man up dude and if she wants to leave it wasn't about love but convenience to help her family. Seen it happen too many times.

Enough rambling for me do whats needed to protect your family.

[MJ&RJ 7]

Hey all, first my name is Scott...my wife is from the phillipines...we have been together over a year and married. We have her K1 visa and we are about to go back to the United States. I am a US Soldier and stationed in S. Korea....for the past year I have been sending money to her family, but during this time we have been financially struggeling. My wife is now 16 weeks pregnant with our son, which is amazing bc we have been trying for about 6 months...and while trying i told her on many occassions that once she was pregnant money would STOP to her family..but yet she doesnt see it that way.

It all started after we first met and her 4 year old sister needed eye surgery or she would go blind, it was only 300.00 USD so it wasnt that bad, but after that it was her family with their hand out on payday. I delt with it but now i cant because my son's future is at stake.

I was sending 350.00 USD every 2 weeks....totaled 7,500.00 USD in 1 year, and then I sent her home with 3000.00 USD when she went home to visit. She has 9 brothers and sisters, two of the boys being 20 and 21. She is the oldest child.

Last night I made a comment on her facebook about how happy I was we were having a son, i check later and her oldest brother posted "send money home now says momma". Now this made me extremely angry not only did he disrespect my way of life but he posted on my comment about my son with such non-sense.

Today she said she wanted to send 150.00 USD home, I told her no we had discussed last check we would send 100.00 USD every 2 weeks...and thats all. She wont talk to her family about them getting jobs, she just sits quietly and lets them beg and i have to see her upset and crying

This is causing our marriage to be in trouble..I love my wife and will do anything to make her happy...but I cant take this stress anymore...what do i do?!

As of now I am not sending any money to them, and she wont speak to me going on 2 days now....

Take advice of some here. I set the tone early with my extended filipino family to cut them off at the pass before something like this started. First hint from my wife saying family ask her for some money...... then wanted to see if she could ask me to give her some money for them..... i said no from the get go. Then when i give her some money and she gives it to them then ask me for some more because she gave it all away I even said no to her.

Her family is going to be made at you both.... but your wife's demeanor will change and she will start to think of her own immediate family first.....and then give some of the excess to her family after her families has everything it needs.

[James and Cynthia 70]

As everyone else has said, stick to your grounds on this one. If she really loves you, then things will work out without sending money.

I send money to my fiancee too, but only what I can afford. But that's mainly because she has a daughter and she had to give up her job in Taiwan so that we could complete her visa process. If it wasn't for the CSC taking so long, she would have been fine without my help. She rarely asks for money, usually waiting for me to offer instead. She's always telling her family no when they ask her to ask me for money. One time I was asked to help her family with a medical bill for her grandma, but I really couldn't afford it then and had to say no. She completely understood and everything went on with our relationship as normal. She was actually very shy for asking me and felt bad, thinking I would be mad or something. No way could I be mad at her. I knew it was only her family pressuring her, and that they would make due without my help. I am so happy that she didn't give me the same pressure back. I really love her for that.

I'm sorry your wife is giving you the guilt treatment. I think sending $750 a month is way too much, especially on a regular basis. Unfortunately, this has led to an unrealistic expectation on their part. I certainly hope you can get your wife to understand and you can overcome this issue.

-James