Sending money to your wife's family for hospital expenses

[Gilles 4]

My thoughts?

You have been putting up with her ####### for over a year, and then whining about it here on VJ.

You are foolishly trying to out-manipulate a master manipulator.

Why haven't you been to counseling yourself so you can find out why you continue to put up with her #######?

I wouldn't put up with her attitude for a nano-second.

Sheesh...

Then what would you do if your SO handled money in an irresponsible manner as my SO does?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Then what would you do if your SO handled money in an irresponsible manner as my SO does?

At this point it's more than just being irresponsible with money...

She's manipulating & being untruthful to you.

[thelastpetitioner 218]

Then what would you do if your SO handled money in an irresponsible manner as my SO does?

you know what i would do?i would tell her to live off her own income for three months,see how it goes,IF she didnt change her ways,i would divorce her,because your wife has history

but you need quit asking people what would they do,you are an adult with your own brain,do what you think is right. ( obviously you think keeping up with her will eventually change her. )

[John&Juvy 36]

Then what would you do if your SO handled money in an irresponsible manner as my SO does?

Can't change stupid, and can't negotiate with crazy.... Pardon me for that... I just read it lol.

[marklovetina 52]

you know what i would do?i would tell her to live off her own income for three months,see how it goes,IF she didnt change her ways,i would divorce her,because your wife has history

but you need quit asking people what would they do,you are an adult with your own brain,do what you think is right. ( obviously you think keeping up with her will eventually change her

[Maxx121 14]

my first wife was very irresponsible with money, caused huuuuge arguments and finally when we got divorced (more than just money) i felt financial freedom again. Now i have saved and saved purchased my first home, met a beautiful new woman who is young and responsible (the two words rarely go for americanized women ) and looking forward to the future.

sucks to go half way around the world and wind up with the type of women you coulda found in your own backyard.

Life is full of choices if you love her then fine, but love can only take you so far before your sanity is thrown out the window.

[Kevin- 13]

She goes to church and says she believes in God. She even goes to Bible study and participates in kids groups for her church. I've tried explaining to her that her behavior is in conflict with what the Bible says, and she replies with something like, "you don't even believe in God", as if my belief somehow makes the Bible apply less to her. If she's even a neophyte Christian, she should know that the beliefs of others have absolutely no impact on how much she should adhere to what the Bible says if she wants to be a good Christian. Then again, she has said because she is a Christian, she can engage in sinful behavior - lie to me, steal from me, treat me badly, etc. - and still be forgiven. From that, it seems to me that she looks at Christianity as a license to be bad.

It may be useful for you to learn a few things about what the Bible says, so you can help her to learn more about what she claims to believe. One of two things will likely happen: She will realize that she needs to change and change. Or, she will realize (perhaps subconsciously) that she does not actually want to accept it, and will become worse.

The Bible teaches a family hierarchy. The man has the authority and the responsibility as head of the household. The situation you face is evidence as to why this is a good guideline. Men are commanded to Love their wives, while women are commanded to Respect their husbands. The concept of respect comes naturally to men, but not to women; and the ability to love obviously is how women are built, but not so much men. Women have to "work" at being respectful, and men have to "work" at being loving. If both the man and the woman concentrate on this, the marriage will flourish. Men have to learn to ask themselves "will saying or doing this make my wife feel loved?", while women must ask themselves "will my husband feel that respect him?". Very often wives will say "he has to earn my respect first!", but then this leads to men having a very hard time being loving to a woman who disrespects him.

Also, regarding her "license to be bad". If she is using forgiveness as an excuse to do whatever she wants, then I feel the need to ask what denomination she follows? Knowing this will help me compare what she believes with what the Bible actually teaches, if you would like to help her understand it better. Only a few denominations teach that one can do whatever they want, whenever they want, and just use forgiveness to absolve all responsibility. This is very clearly not how forgiveness and repentance work according to the Bible. We are not forgiven if we intend to do whatever it was again. Forgiveness is freely given, but we have to actually repent in order to receive it. Repentance means not merely acknowledging wrongdoing, but also desiring to never do it again.

On the bright side, it means she at least knows that what she is doing is bad, if she knows there is a need to be forgiven for it.

Also, you can suggest to her that she pray for God's guidance in her decisions (which specifically opposes a common attitude of making selfish decisions and then praying for help in executing them)

If it would help, I can provide Bible references for all of these.

My thoughts?

You have been putting up with her ####### for over a year, and then whining about it here on VJ.

You are foolishly trying to out-manipulate a master manipulator.

Why haven't you been to counseling yourself so you can find out why you continue to put up with her #######?

There's nothing wrong with him coming here seeking advice from others. Some people go to bars and "whine" to the bartender, or their buddies, or whoever else. Some people use internet forums. I personally don't call it whining. For one, I don't think I was involved in his previous threads, so in the off chance that I (or anyone else who has encountered it for the first time in this particular thread) happen to offer one useful bit of advice, his posting another thread here was surely worthwhile.

There's also nothing wrong with him putting up with her for an eternity. It's that thing called love. See my signature regarding the definition of love.

You may be right about trying to out-manipulate the manipulator, but maybe we can collectively with that.

[Loolie 56]

It may be useful for you to learn a few things about what the Bible says, so you can help her to learn more about what she claims to believe. One of two things will likely happen: She will realize that she needs to change and change. Or, she will realize (perhaps subconsciously) that she does not actually want to accept it, and will become worse.

The Bible teaches a family hierarchy. The man has the authority and the responsibility as head of the household. The situation you face is evidence as to why this is a good guideline. Men are commanded to Love their wives, while women are commanded to Respect their husbands. The concept of respect comes naturally to men, but not to women; and the ability to love obviously is how women are built, but not so much men. Women have to "work" at being respectful, and men have to "work" at being loving. If both the man and the woman concentrate on this, the marriage will flourish. Men have to learn to ask themselves "will saying or doing this make my wife feel loved?", while women must ask themselves "will my husband feel that respect him?". Very often wives will say "he has to earn my respect first!", but then this leads to men having a very hard time being loving to a woman who disrespects him.

Also, regarding her "license to be bad". If she is using forgiveness as an excuse to do whatever she wants, then I feel the need to ask what denomination she follows? Knowing this will help me compare what she believes with what the Bible actually teaches, if you would like to help her understand it better. Only a few denominations teach that one can do whatever they want, whenever they want, and just use forgiveness to absolve all responsibility. This is very clearly not how forgiveness and repentance work according to the Bible. We are not forgiven if we intend to do whatever it was again. Forgiveness is freely given, but we have to actually repent in order to receive it. Repentance means not merely acknowledging wrongdoing, but also desiring to never do it again.

On the bright side, it means she at least knows that what she is doing is bad, if she knows there is a need to be forgiven for it.

Also, you can suggest to her that she pray for God's guidance in her decisions (which specifically opposes a common attitude of making selfish decisions and then praying for help in executing them)

If it would help, I can provide Bible references for all of these.

There's nothing wrong with him coming here seeking advice from others. Some people go to bars and "whine" to the bartender, or their buddies, or whoever else. Some people use internet forums. I personally don't call it whining. For one, I don't think I was involved in his previous threads, so in the off chance that I (or anyone else who has encountered it for the first time in this particular thread) happen to offer one useful bit of advice, his posting another thread here was surely worthwhile.

There's also nothing wrong with him putting up with her for an eternity. It's that thing called love. See my signature regarding the definition of love.

You may be right about trying to out-manipulate the manipulator, but maybe we can collectively with that.

I think he was given enough advice, thoughts and opinion here on vj. If you love a person you wouldnt let that person be like that right? He just kept tolerating his wife and I think its not because of love anymore. I think maybe he is just afraid that her wife would leave her thats why he kept tolerating his wife. He has been talking about his wife here on vj and I think its not love. I think he just love to talk and is too weak to be a man. thats all.

[Tahoma 2,291]

Then what would you do if your SO handled money in an irresponsible manner as my SO does?

At this point it's more than just being irresponsible with money...

She's manipulating & being untruthful to you.

Yup...Gilles blindly continues to obsess about the symptoms...and to ignore the disease.

And he won't go to counseling to find out why.

[rheanick 42]

I am tossing between handling this one of two ways. She's working part time, making some $1200 to $1500 net per month. When she deposits her money, she puts about half in her checking account and takes about half of it cash back. So I'm beginning to think she didn't borrow the money in question, but took it out of this cash reserve accumulated from her "cash back" when she made deposits.

So I'm thinking about doing one of two things, as she isn't paying a reasonable amount towards our household bills.

1) Set up another account with her bank and as soon as she makes a deposit, immediately transfer it under my control.

2) Tell her she needs to contribute X dollars per months to the household bills (including auto insurance) and if she doesn't, then simply take her off the insurance policy & take away the keys.

Any thoughts?

You really have to sit down with her and make her face the fact regarding your financial status. She has to accept the fact that she did not marry a rich guy. And she has to keep her butt moving if she wants to have luxurious life.

It is unfortunate that you married a woman who thinks you have a money pit she could withdraw from. And it is unfortunate that she married a guy who is not rich enough for her.

If you want to keep your marriage, she has to work on it too. If she is not willing to help you, she is not worth it. You both deserve someone else.

[Gilles 4]

Last night she noticed that her bank account was overdrawn and she blamed me. She accused me of giving her no notice that I was using her account to pay bills and I made it clear that she gave me no notice that she was going to send large sums of money to her family in the Philippines. She said it was OK because it was her money and not our money whereupon I corrected her by saying it was our money. I asked her how she got the money to send to her family and she said she borrowed it. So I asked who she borrowed it from and she said, "my boyfriend" (I'm pretty sure that was just a sarcastic response) and I asked what happens if we don't pay it back. She said they would kill her if she doesn't pay it back. So she has asked me to put money into her bank account so it isn't overdrawn. Please tell me if I'm wrong, but it's clear to me that she needs to be taught a lesson and I'd be foolish to replenish her account. She just doesn't seem to get it that our needs must come first!

[Samoray 165]

i believe this could be true

[Gilles 4]

sucks to go half way around the world and wind up with the type of women you coulda found in your own backyard.

Are you up with the times on why men go overseas to find a bride? Most of the men I know who married Filipina women admit they got fed up with all the game playing that goes on with dating and/or romancing an American woman.

[Maxx121 14]

Are you up with the times on why men go overseas to find a bride? Most of the men I know who married Filipina women admit they got fed up with all the game playing that goes on with dating and/or romancing an American woman.

My point exactly.

and at this point, im sorry but i no longer believe this to be a real scenario. NO ONE could be this dense.

[adiiann 163]

Hi Gilles!

I assumed the reason why you made this thread is to get advices, opinion as well as ideas on what is really the deal with your situation. Upon reading all the responses that people posted here, if you are not stupid (forgive for the word I used, I just can't think what other word should I use to express my thoughts) then it would be enough for you to analyze your situation. Now, as I observe, you are trying to reason out facts thats already understandable. If you think you already did everything to make things better but the problem didn't really get solution, then its about time to change course of action. My guess, you are in denial of the outcome for whatever course of action you may take. If your situation is what really it is, then you either give her ultimatum and have it happen if she didn't agree to do so or continue with your stupidity. No amount of advices or opinions will ever suffice your search for solution as long as you keep searching instead of making actions to solve your problem.

But if you posted this thread to stretch out with your burden, I guess you have enough. You really sound so stupid now.