How to Deal with your Marriage Critics Effectively

[rlogan 2,036]

All of us at some time will encounter critics of our marriages to a foreign spouse and I wanted to share with you some things I learned by doing a lot of reading.

The typical marriage on this page is one of an older US citizen and a younger Filipina, with the Filipina moving to the USA. Me too. So I will direct my comments towards that model but the things I have learned are true regardless of the situation.

There are honest inquiries about your marriage, but most of the time you are going to find that what is really going on is a psychological trick people are playing on you, and it is important that you recognize so, and how to keep from falling into their trap. Because if you don't, you will always walk away feeling bad, which is actually what they are up to.

People are subtly competing with one another in almost everything they say and do. One of the most effective ways to compete is covertly - under the surface, with the real intention disguised with what the books call "plausible deniability". They will couch a question in innocent terms when what is really going on underneath is a sneaky, nasty attack. These are the most difficult things to contend with not just because they are fighting covertly instead of out in the open like honest, straightforward people - but because the kinds of people who choose this tactic are extremely good at it from practicing it most of their lives.

It may begin with a seemingly innocent question like "why would this hot young filipina love a fat stupid geezer like you?" (They'll word it nicely of course, but I am putting it out in the open). They might make a statement as opposed to a question like "yes of course she is a prostitute that only wants a green card". (Again, they leave out the word prostitute but that is what they are too cowardly to state in the open. Nevertheless it is what you feel you are defending against).

Even if your wife is from a family of high status and income, the tactic is the same but it will be worded more along the lines of "Why are you such a failure with white women you have to resort to foreign colored women..."

Most people are conscientious and grant the benefit of the doubt to the person questioning the marriage. You assume their motives are sincere and so you respond. But inside, you feel like you have been put on the defensive and your emotions are kicking in. Even if you explain to your best ability, you walk away feeling those emotions and feeling like someone has gotten the better of you, whereas the other person seems so cool and smugly satisfied regardless of what you said.

This is an ancient tactic. The tactic is to put you on the defensive and keep you there as long as they can. Of all people, they are the ones who have no interest in the explanation. What they are after is putting you on the defensive, and placing themselves psychologically in the superior position of judge.

If you take the bait and try to defend yourself what will happen is the same exact tactic again: it will lead to more questions or comments that invite yet more defensiveness on your part. Your emotions will rise further and their position as judge is all the more solidified. If you are a total retard like I have been in my life, you will continue to explain and get more emotional to the point where they make you look like a complete emotional fool.

The most important rule is recognizing what they are up to and being prepared for it. Don't take the bait. Don't allow them to put you on the defensive because you've already surrendered if you do.

When you understand that what they are after is getting you emotional and putting you down my making you defend yourself, then you are in the right mind to deal with it effectively. We are never good at battle when we have been ambushed. They have us on the run and in a weakened emotional state already. This is something everyone else watching will see and feel too.

So the instant someone "asks" or makes a comment via a rhetorical question or even a thinly-veiled deeply personal insult: recognize the attack for what it is. Don't fall for it. You will find that this ability alone is a revolution in dealing with manipulative critics. Instead of getting angry you are going to smile and laugh with a twinkle in your eye.

It helps to know that people who are doing this actually feel inferior in some way and they compensate for this inferiority by trying to get the better of you in an underhanded way. People with self-confidence and self-esteem do not fight with dirty tricks. They fight out in the open: everything is above-board and direct.

Once you recognize their tactic, you have a couple of choices. One is to cheerfully ignore. I don't mean look down at the floor with a sullen face and demonstrate you've been defeated. I said cheerfully. Because if you feel bad, you will show it, and they will continue to play this card over and over again. If you are smiling and laughing, they see it didn't work and so will everyone else.

If you respond then there are some general rules but there's so much situation-specific provisions that I can't list them all here. Instead I recommend the book "In Sheep's Clothing" or "Nasty People" or maybe even "Take the bully by the Horns" even though that last one is aimed primarily at children. You are being bullied by an "invalidator". That is the main term of the second book. An "invalidator" is just that: he is saying your marriage is "invalid" because your wife is a prostitute for a green card or money, and you are so worthless you have to buy a colored wife. So you defend yourself by trying to validate the marriage, and they can merely point to this and say "boy look how you try so hard to validate your marriage - there must be a problem you have with it or yourself wouldn't get so defensive over it..."

Generally speaking you have to put the spotlight on them and their behavior where it belongs instead of falling for the trap and getting defensive. You will find that mastering this strategy makes the cowards run for the hills, because that's what they are: cowards.

Sometimes it is good to rephrase their question and expose it for what it is. Sometimes it is good to force them to explain who elected them as a marriage judge. Sometimes it is good to point out that if they have to ask the question, there is no answer that will satisfy them. Sometimes humor is the best response. But in all cases, by far the most important rule is getting your mind right: this person wants to put you down, make you feel bad, embarass you, shame you, guilt-trip you, and make you defend yourself for something that is both legal and very common.

You will never get an invalidator to admit what they are doing. They wouldn't choose this tactic in the first place if they were decent people. The only thing you are capable of having complete control over is yourself. Despite being told here that what they are after is getting you emotional and on the defensive, some people will still compulsively feel emotional and defensive. What you have to recognize then is that you have a personal defect that you must steel yourself to resolve. You must be able to look in the mirror with determination and say "I am not going to let people get the better of me by being emotional and defensive..."

That advice I think is far more useful than listing all the situation-specific responses to a manipulative invalidator.

Good luck. You are a good and decent person that has value. Chin up and smile. When you smile, the whole world smiles back at you.

[Darnell 8,478]

'put the spotlight on their behavior' - oh boy ! I used this one effectively.

I have some remote cousins that tried to complain to me when I got married -

and I told them -

HEY ! You remember, about 3 years ago, I told you - I'm looking to get married again?

Remember? Remember I asked for your help in finding me a suitable wife in yer area?

I waited an entire year for your input. 365 days - nothing from you, no suggestions, no word about the annual squash festival and how Farmer McQuiston had a set of triplets in the marrying age, NOTHING !! Not even a frickin postcard to ask if I was still looking !!! H3ll, you even asked my father if I was serious, or not !! Come On - what happened with YOUR INPUT?

Don't you remember? I asked you to find 10 women for me, over a years time, that you deemed suitable.

Ya ? Guess WHAT ?!?!? YOU FAILED ME.

As for 'non-relatives' - is easy thing, yes? We don't get messed with, we're such an adorable middle-aged couple.

[Psoas10 17]

I guess for us, a local born haole/Japanese man and Filipina couple with 8 years age gap is pretty normal here. In Hawaii mixed Asian people is the norm. I guess in the Mainland and AK it could be different. But when I do encounter this problem, I will use your advice.

[rlogan 2,036]

In Alaska, it is quite common and especially for guys living out in the boonies like me. Invalidators are found far more frequently online, and for two reasons. Normal people feel they can get away with being nasty online because their identity is shielded. In addition, hard-core invalidators constitute about 2% of the population but are over-represented on the internet because they are antisocial. People shun them, so they practice their trade online. That is where I encounter them.

[GnE Walker 2]

Thank to so much to you,

I share it with my husband.

[Atencio 43]

Out of all the people I know, I got more grief from the Filipinas I work with. Most of their opinions started with why would a nice girl want to meet someone on the internet? She is surely scamming you. How can she not own a cell phone or computer? Everyone has one. She is married and doesn't want you to call her. Then when I ignored those comments they started on the Mindanao is too dangerous. Don't go there. Meet a nice girl in Manila. Bottom line I am sure is that they had cousins they wanted to me to meet. I finally did what Darnell mentioned. I told them I kept asking you to show me pictures of them. Too late now.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

In Alaska, it is quite common and especially for guys living out in the boonies like me. Invalidators are found far more frequently online, and for two reasons. Normal people feel they can get away with being nasty online because their identity is shielded. In addition, hard-core invalidators constitute about 2% of the population but are over-represented on the internet because they are antisocial. People shun them, so they practice their trade online. That is where I encounter them.

I don't know. You can't change other people - there are those who will think the way they do and say what they do about your marriage to a Filipina. I think it's far more effective to come up with smarta$ replies when you someone is making a veiled judgment about your relationship. Tell them that you bought her off the internet or that you ordered her from a catalog.

As for generalizations - sometimes they do hold an element of truth, like the fact that there are a high percentage of Fil/Am relationships here where the USC is an older male, and the fiancee or spouse is a considerably younger Filipina. Part of why that stereotype exists is because of all the international dating sites that promote such unions, often using such stereotypes as, "Young, demure Filipinas are looking for older men who they can be loyal and subservient to," while the women are told these men are responsible and will provide for them security and stability. So if you're a USC who met your fiancee or spouse through one of these sites, and you were initially attracted to the service because of the sales pitch, then you're helping perpetuate these stereotypes.

That said, I don't think anyone should feel any shame if that is the route they took in finding a potential spouse. The only thing they should be concerned about is if they let those very stereotypes steer them into which potential mates they chose to correspond with. At best, finding a mate through one of those dating sites is a ####### shoot, which is why you're going to get flak from people who hear about your marriage to a Filipina. The only real way to dispel any myths they may have about the relationship is to let them spend time with you and your spouse. If that's not possible, then let them think what they want because no amount of explaining is really going to change their minds.

[SuperDuper! 230]

All of us at some time will encounter critics of our marriages to a foreign spouse and I wanted to share with you some things I learned by doing a lot of reading.

The typical marriage on this page is one of an older US citizen and a younger Filipina, with the Filipina moving to the USA. Me too. So I will direct my comments towards that model but the things I have learned are true regardless of the situation.

There are honest inquiries about your marriage, but most of the time you are going to find that what is really going on is a psychological trick people are playing on you, and it is important that you recognize so, and how to keep from falling into their trap. Because if you don't, you will always walk away feeling bad, which is actually what they are up to.

People are subtly competing with one another in almost everything they say and do. One of the most effective ways to compete is covertly - under the surface, with the real intention disguised with what the books call "plausible deniability". They will couch a question in innocent terms when what is really going on underneath is a sneaky, nasty attack.

For a moment, I thought you were describing some 10K posters here. Hey, if the shoe fits, throw it.

But really, anyone bagging on a mature man with a hot, young, nubile Filipina on his arm can only be one thing.....

[tallcoolone 102]

For a moment, I thought you were describing some 10K posters here. Hey, if the shoe fits, throw it.

But really, anyone bagging on a mature man with a hot, young, nubile Filipina on his arm can only be one thing.....

[Utha 10]

I dont care what they say, i am loving him anyway. I found my love in a big tall American man.

[jrmejia 31]

22 years gap between us. I keep telling her she still have time to backoff and to try to find some one who can match her age better. She insisting that she can handle the pressure of the age difference.

I am willing to do the same..to conclude: once some one tastes fresh meat it is hard to go back to old chicken soup. ( A bit of humor..hope no one got offended)

[rlogan 2,036]

For a moment, I thought you were describing some 10K posters here.

Absolute fact. The tactics of covert aggression are utilized by people to put you down subtly no matter what the topic is.

Furthermore, all people use manipulative tactics occasionally, and the most common of these we call "defense mechanisms". When your back is up against the wall, even the most sincere person will use denial, lies by omission, selective memory, minimization, evasion, etc. That does not make them a bad character. The person who uses manipulative tactics in all his dealings with people has a character disorder.

So yes, a lot of people post what superficially passes as an innocent question or comment when they're actually insuling you in an underhanded way.

This may sound silly, but I had to train myself to do this: listen carefully to your feelings. If you feel an emotion like anger or hurt - that is most likely the intent, and the last thing you should do is act on those emotions because this is how they get you off-balance. Once they find your hot-buttons they'll just keep pushing them.

Watch actions more than words. Slow down.

In terms of what you said about the grain of truth in the tactic of cutting down a man who provides security for his young filipina wife, as well as the very relevant comment by Atencio -

Every person on earth "exploits" their spouse, if we are going to use the term a snide person uses when commenting on your marriage. We marry because it is to our advantage. There are things about them we like and it makes our lives better because of it.

Consider how idiotic the converse is, which is what the critic is implying: we should marry to make ourselves worse off, or in the best case - make ourselves no better off. So why marry anyone at all if we are not going to "exploit"?

Note how reluctant a woman from the USA would be to marry a man that lived on less than two dollars a day income. So how is it different that a Filipina desires a man that makes more than that too?

No difference at all. But they have framed it in a way that makes you defensive about it, and remember the most important rule is: do not let them put you on the defensive.

[Ann Marie and Leo 9]

But really, anyone bagging on a mature man with a hot, young, nubile Filipina on his arm can only be one thing.....

Agree 100%, even the guy that did our AOS interview, he was a older Filipino, and he started to make a comment, Telling my wife he too was from Cebu, and maybe he should go back over, and find a,(then stopped talking, and kind of smile at me, then said all the papers were in order, and wished us all the best.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Absolute fact. The tactics of covert aggression are utilized by people to put you down subtly no matter what the topic is.

Furthermore, all people use manipulative tactics occasionally, and the most common of these we call "defense mechanisms". When your back is up against the wall, even the most sincere person will use denial, lies by omission, selective memory, minimization, evasion, etc. That does not make them a bad character. The person who uses manipulative tactics in all his dealings with people has a character disorder.

So yes, a lot of people post what superficially passes as an innocent question or comment when they're actually insuling you in an underhanded way.

This may sound silly, but I had to train myself to do this: listen carefully to your feelings. If you feel an emotion like anger or hurt - that is most likely the intent, and the last thing you should do is act on those emotions because this is how they get you off-balance. Once they find your hot-buttons they'll just keep pushing them.

Watch actions more than words. Slow down.

In terms of what you said about the grain of truth in the tactic of cutting down a man who provides security for his young filipina wife, as well as the very relevant comment by Atencio -

Every person on earth "exploits" their spouse, if we are going to use the term a snide person uses when commenting on your marriage. We marry because it is to our advantage. There are things about them we like and it makes our lives better because of it.

Consider how idiotic the converse is, which is what the critic is implying: we should marry to make ourselves worse off, or in the best case - make ourselves no better off. So why marry anyone at all if we are not going to "exploit"?

Note how reluctant a woman from the USA would be to marry a man that lived on less than two dollars a day income. So how is it different that a Filipina desires a man that makes more than that too?

No difference at all. But they have framed it in a way that makes you defensive about it, and remember the most important rule is: do not let them put you on the defensive.

No offense, but it sounds like you are grappling over the reasons why you sought out to marry a Filipina because you seem to spend a great deal of time and energy on obsessing over the criticism, perceived or real, from outsiders. We humans are naturally curious and perhaps even a bit judgmental. When you hear on the news about a man captured who murdered a child, do you not make a moral judgment about him or the situation?

I understand some of the frustration in dealing with outsiders perceptions or judgments about your marriage as I've experienced some of it too, but in the end, what can you do about it? If you are satisfied with the rationale behind why you sought out your spouse, then who gives a flying cockroach what Janis at work says or thinks about it? There are a myriad of things you could do with your life that would arouse the curiosity and perhaps judgment of outsiders, so spending a lot of energy fretting over is doesn't do you any good, IMO.

[rlogan 2,036]

No offense...

Perfect, thank you.

One of the key tactics of covert aggression is to start off by denying what you are doing. So for example, they'll start a lie by saying "to be perfectly honest..." Train yourself to listen for this clue and recognize that a lie is coming. Another would be "I don't mean to sound negative..." followed by a negative statment. Etc.

So when we see someone start off with this kind of denial followed by the thing being denied - classic!

Check out the other tactics used here as well. There's guilt-tripping and the veiled insinuation of mental illness with the "obsession" statement. Dr. Simon and these other authors do almost nothing all day long for decades dealing with manipulative people and the wreckage they cause for others. I could try to frame all these specialists as crazy, obsessed people as you have insinuated with me.

I choose them because it proves beyond question there is no logic whatsoever in the assertion that if someone is speaking about the subject, even a great deal, that they suffer a mental illness from it. This too is a classic put-down you need to recognize. In abusive relationships the abuser often makes the abused think they are crazy. We fear being labelled as crazy so this is a very effective put-down if you don't understand the tactic.

Train yourself to recognize the keywords of your aggressor: in this case "obsessive" and "fretting". This choice of vocabulary is very important to someone trying to put you down by painting you as a neurotic person in need of therapy.

Lastly, there is the ending of your post which repeats what I have already said, only with different wording. With this tactic it is absolutely essential that the previous ground-work be successful: framing the target as a neurotic incapable of seeing that his marriage is legal, common, and based on the same principles as the people trying to put you on the defensive about it.

Despite saying those exact things, the aggressor pretends that his framing of your "obsessively fretting" about something merely "perceived" (I'm delusional) is the reality, then he gets away with repeating what you have said using different words as if it is some great insight of his own. I said it in too many ways to count. Point out that nobody elected them as judge, etc.

When you are a victim of this, all you feel is the fundamental unfairness going on under the surface and you can't articulate why it is so unfair. You just feel the emotions the aggressor intended you to feel all along.

So, El Buscador, you have provided an important service to us by showing us how a covert aggressor operates. We have a seemingly "helpful" post here that is packed to the brim with the very thing you started off denying. It is the exact subject of the opening post.

At one time this kind of post would have really bothered me. I wouldn't have known how to deal with it effectively. Now it's a lot of fun for me. But the most rewarding thing of all is helping other people who are victimized by it: training them to see the tactics for what they are.

Thank you, from all of us.