My beautiful wife is very irresponsible

[cowgirl88 0]

she needs to find a job...

dont let her live like a PIG.

let her buy the groceries d pa bills, so she'll learn.

she is taking u for granted.

[adiiann 163]

I guess jasman0717 is enjoying what his wife's doing,i think he just want to find out if he's not alone with what he's experiencing if he's bothered with it,i dont think he will stay with her and deal with it for 4 1/2 yrs

I agree.... Hahahaha!

I guess, every man who loves their woman so dearly intend to spoil them. It can be sweet if it's not too abusive, but burden if its more than a right limit.

One thing, I told my husband, "Let me know if I'm being so much brat already so I can reflect of myself, if you will not tell me, I wouldn't be aware of it."

[NCWife 0]

One thing for sure... you have too much patience! 4 1/2 years is a lot! Not sure if you guys plan to have kids but if you do, this sort of "habit" is definitely not a good example for them.

Anyways, how about write down each and everything she wastes, and then estimate the cost of them and take it out from her allowance. Make sure you show her the "bill" that you make (costs and estimations) so she knows whatever she wastes will come out of her allowance! No such thing as free lunch!

Cheers and good luck!

[Jasman0717 9]

Hi there!

im sorry about that... You two should talk about it. She didn't think how important those things are. Maybe for her is not a big deal. Try to explain your point for this matter. But explain that in a nice way that she cannot feel bad when you say that. and if it is possible make her find a job so that she will learn how to be more responsible for herself. It's not healthy for your relationship. Hope too hear improvement for this issue soon! God Bless!!!

I have tried many times and it is one ear and out the other. I am more worried about what will happen to her after I am gone if she doesn't change her ways. In a lot of ways she is very innocent and people do have a tendacy to take advantage of her.

[Jasman0717 9]

That doesn't work, she likes it

Wow that is a lot if you use more electricity now than before.

Its those two hour showers and the cooking constantly.

That was very disrespectful for her parents to take advantage of your kindness like that.

I bet that they clean you out before it is all over...

If you will lay down like a rug, You should EXPECT to be walked all over.

You SHOULD be blaming yourself here, because you allowed yourself to be treated this way.

WOW!

As long as I am working I don't mind so much. Claudeth has 6 brothers and sisters along with her parents so we can't let them starve.

don't worry you are not alone, i know some women (some of mom's friends) who are so proud about demanding so much money from their american boyfriends... They must think white men don't run out of money after awhile..like they grow in trees.. And believe me, I have witnessed those that will just spend the money as if they were a one-day-millionaire.. usually it's those who didn't grow up to have a lot that do this..

The money is overwhelming so they enjoy it as much as they can, i know it's ironic they should be thinking of saving but sadly, they really don't. They enjoy the feeling of having the freedom to spend more than what they are used to and not a care if there will be enough for tomorrow...

I understand. Claudeth was just saying the other night that her family thinks we live in the land of milk and honey and money grows on trees. All Americans are rich you know

[Jasman0717 9]

Well reguardless of how she is with this stuff...it is annoying, it could always be worse. At least she loves you and doesnt go and break things just because she is mad right? At least she isnt like some of the horror stories that i have read on here.

Yep, you are right. It just kills her when something get broken. She chipped a couple of our dishes badly and set them on the patio table but doesn't have the heart to throw them away. I think she is waiting me me to do it.

[Jasman0717 9]

I am going to try and get her to read this thread but she will probably be too busy arranging stuff.

I figure I have five more years to try and teach her responsibility. IF that doesn't work I will just change my trust and have the executor dole the money out to her and not give it to her in one lump sum. My wife is a nincompooop but I love her just the same. At least she loves me and puts up with my ranting and raving and always kisses me good night so I will continue to teach her about life.

Thanks everyone!

[Old Dominion 26]

ummm.....big age difference, I assume? Have you tried making her joint owner of your house and your income? If not, how can she learn responsibility? Things like budget, etc. etc. Sending a hundred bucks to her parents is no big deal...it's just money and they need it and probably more.

[John&Juvy 36]

I am going to try and get her to read this thread but she will probably be too busy arranging stuff.

I figure I have five more years to try and teach her responsibility. IF that doesn't work I will just change my trust and have the executor dole the money out to her and not give it to her in one lump sum. My wife is a nincompooop but I love her just the same. [i]At least she loves me and puts up with my ranting and raving and always kisses me good night so I will continue to teach her about life.[/i]Thanks everyone!

Thats all matter.... She will learn about the rest of the problem of her... Hopefully soon coz its already been 4 nd half years lol. Good Luck to both of you .

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

You have a young and beautiful wife - that comes with a price. Count your blessings and let it go

Saludos,

Caro

Well, sorry you didn't like my answer but I'm only saying the truth. From what I know of Jasman and Claudeth, Jasman has a very good wife and it's in his best interest to strive to make her happy, even if she'll leave the closet light on, not finish her plate or waste a bar of soap.

Saludos,

Caro

Now that second statement is a lot different from the first one...

"You have a Young & Beautiful Wife" and "Jasman has a very good wife" are not the same...

I would agree that when we truly love someone we learn to put-up with some things. One the other hand if she's throwing away more food than she's eating (which is how I would read the OP) and has an uncontrollable shopping habit whilst not contributing to the household then that is a bit too much.

[rlogan 2,036]

She's sure proving how little respect she has for you.

The question is - how much respect do you have for yourself?

You know, a guy has to press for marriage counseling or some kind of probationary period before he fires a wife. You owe them that because it's a wife, not a girlfriend. But with behavior so childish and disrespectful you have to lay down the law and mean it.

Or else shut up and be a door mat. Not a great set of choices. So sorry about that.

Sorry, this is more a tongue in cheek post. I love my wife very much and have learned to live with her anoying habits. I was just wondering if others married to a Filipina have experienced similar habits.

I do appreciate everyone's comments. I might have to have her read them.

Ok, I am off for my morning walk.

Thank you. I took you literally, so please be accurate in your descriptions. It makes a big difference if you are saying "Showers three hours a day" when you mean twenty minutes. Please just say what the situation is if you are relating it to other people who are sincere in wanting to help. Because the behavior you described, if accurate, is bordering on clinical.

If I understand it a little better, though, you have serious trouble although the degree depends on the amount of exaggeration here. The electric bill strikes home with me.

In the beginning, my teenage wife was led by her family - just like you - into laying emergencies at my feet and using what I call emotional blackmail to get money.

They don't want to ask you for the electric bill when it arrives because they are "too shy". So therefore they plan to wait until the day before it is shut off, and then they can spring this "crisis" on you. Whatever brush fire you put out today will be followed by another one tomorrow, and the day after. Forever.

It is one of the most disheartenting things for a sincere person to send money for something, and the immediate response is... send more money. It is really discouraging.

You have to strengthen your resolve about being frank with yourself, your wife, and your family.

I sat her mother down and said in very blunt terms - I will leave her. Do you understand? Do not make my life a perpetual crisis. You do this to me again, and it's over. Got that? I am not stupid. You actually hide bills from me. You are untruthful about how much something will cost. You tell me it will cost half as much because then it doesn't seem like you are asking for so much money.

Endless games. You figure get him to send one transfer now, and another transfer later. It costs me twice as much, but the important thing is following the strategy of getting him committed to help by making it seem less expensive. Who cares if the result is that it costs a lot more than if they had been honest in the first place. Set the hook, then reel the fish in.

You might be dealing with people who have made a lifetime out of scamming money to get by in some Filipina-Americano relationships. Not you necessarily, but they're out there.

Mine was not that bad, but I have seen them. It's their profession. Some of them are just amazing and can run circles around you with one story after another. They have the answers well thought out before you have the questions. Because they practice, practice, practice, and have nothing to do all day but think about how to scam.

I was really clear about knowing what was going through their minds when the electric bill arrives. "I will blackmail my son-in law for this the day before it is shut off". And I used the word blackmail. And I went on about how for 29 days in a row they knew. That this was not "shy". This is cruel. Leave someone in the dark on purpose so you can manufacture the crisis to use for extorting money. You have to confront them. Go ahead. Look at my face and lie to me. Can you do that? If they could lie, and maintain that this manipulative behavior was innocent and unintentional, I would have left.

Because the first time they do something like that, and you call them on it, they can no longer come back with that lame story. If they do not have a source of money, and they take on an electric obligation, and they come to me in the end to ask for the money, then that was their plan from the beginning. You will not bring the next bill to me at all if that is not your plan. There will be no emergency at the end of the month to spring on me. Unless you have specifically manufactured such a thing against my protest here.

And if you are planning on incorporating me into your whole economic plan, then it has to be out in the open and planned carefully together, with sober accuracy and words that mean what they say.

Confronting her mother was outstanding. She agreed completely. Said I was right. She apologized. The daughter was actually harder than the mother initially because she was too willing to make excuses for the people she loved.

I had numerous discussions with my wife about different members of her family and said some hard things. When they tell you there is no work, for example. Oh really? Let me get on the internet here. Oh look. I got your father a job in one whole day. Isn't that a shocker. You actually look for work instead of waiting for a job to be delivered to your door, and see what happens?

I explained to my wife the logic of their position. They are happy to live in poverty. So there is no reason to work. As long as they can pull this perpetual manufacturing of emergencies off with a sponsor - playing on your emotions - then being out of work is no problem for them.

I say this in kindness because it has to be said. I love my family. We are developing a really good relationship, and it had to go through its maturing process. I lived with them for three months before applying for the fiance visa. So nobody could pull any B.S. on me about the situation there. Or mishandle money. You bring me receipts.

So they plop the two-year-old brother in front of you. He has a fever and there is no medicine. Again. So you are made to feel like a bad person if you don't immediately send the money. And it needs to be western union for $25 instead of mail transfer for $7. But suppose in the meantime, they were buying a stereo with the money you last sent. (mixing your example in here) There is no money on hand for normal common expenditures like medicine and other bills.

Being sick is a normal part of life. I plan for that. The hard question for the daughter is why does your family know, with certainty, the baby will get sick. Yet they sit on their butts and do nothing to prepare. Who is the person responsible for this? It isn't me. How dare anyone use their own child's health as a means of manipulating others.

The only way they learn other behavior is to actually have the electricity shut off. To have the phone disconnected. To run out of food. And I did that.

Once she went to a city on immigration business in Cagayan de Oro. I gave her money for that, and then told her to put a specific amount aside for the trip to Manila and the embassy next. She spent it on new clothes instead.

So she went to Maniala on the ship without a single peso and without food. She told me she was breaking up with me and not going to Manila. Because when she asked for money I said no. She hung up on me and refused to talk to me for two days. But she went to Manila, did the medical, and she learned I don't do blackmail. She went hungry instead, and had to walk for miles.

She made promises to other people about money before I agreed. Too bad honey. I gave you a rule. That is what a rule is. The answer is no. This was her grandmother's funeral. I told her before she left: budget this out. Item by item. Do not come to me again later and give me this story about things cost more than you thought. That is what your mother is going to do, with certainty, so it is your responsibility to defeat that strategy by actually calling the people that make caskets and finding out exactly what you have to pay the priest, etc. Make a list. I send one money transfer for this, and only once.

So here she was at the funeral and she's the one with the Americano and everyone is looking at her to come through with more food and whatever. Guess what. The answer is no. I love you very much but I knew this would happen. I told you. The answer is no. Learn how to plan. Learn how to sacrifice something yourself to pull this off. I am not an ATM machine.

She borrowed money another time when she felt what I gave her was not enough. And then came to me with this story about needing to pay back. Gosh honey, that's not my problem. You spent money beyond the budget without talking to me about it. Took on a debt obligation without the means to pay, and then want to blackmail me with a sob story. Too bad. Suffer the embarassment.

She took clothes back to a store. Because it was unauthorized. She was reasonable, but still a teen. I'm proud of her for doing that.

I made a monthly calendar. Put the water, electricity, etc. on the calendar. One of their strategies is that the day before the electric is due, they ask for the thing they really want, and they need to get that purchased before springing the electric on you. Because in their minds, if they tell you about the electric then you will pay that instead. The only way to get both is to hide pending expenses.

Geez, such cruel manipulation. You buy a basketball uniform for one kid, and all that does is encumber you with the obligation to buy something for all the others. You thought buying the uniform would result in "thank you". Instead it resulted in a finger pointed at you. Inequality. A dollar for one means a dollar for all.

And what can you do with such logic? They are experts at this kind of thing. My answer was "that's the last basketball uniform".

One more trick: After the money is sent, suddenly whatever plan was made is nullified because conditions have changed. I didn't talk to my husband about raising the pigs we just made a business plan for. So therefore the important thing to do is spend all the money on somehting else. Aren't you proud of us? Instead of coming to you and deciding what to do, or better still returning the money we did something else without telling you. We bought more chickens instead.

Cool. No more chickens or pigs or cows or anything.

Now that my wife is here, she is doing to them the same thing I was doing to her. Writing out a budget and planning. The money comes from my wife's pile so she now sees what all these little games mean for her own spending.

We have come so far. It is a joy, really. To have my wife agree with me and work together on some of the tough calls we have to make. Some of the family is really hard working and grateful. One is a bum.

Fortunately, sort of, her aunt married a Japanese guy and has a track record of over ten years to look at, and boy is it a train wreck. Countless thousands just squandered. Family members that are bums. Drink, gamble, and smoke. Lots of really ugly fighting between the family members jockying to be the favored ones. Physical assaults.

And there are others making their own way, in the Philippines. One uncle is a retired guy on a pension that goes out to ride a tricycle every day. One of those things you give people rides in. Not motorized. You pedal it.

He already has a pension, but it's just proof a guy that wants to work can just do it if he wants to, and so what if it is just peddling a bike for ten or twenty pesos at a time.

I am not giving you B.S. here, but next time I go I am going to pedal one of those trikes for at least a full day. I already did manual labor there building her family a house and the neighbors were unmerciful teasing her father about this americano employee of his. They would come to watch me carry seven hollow block at a time up the stairs.

So you have all these professional bums sitting around doing that game with the domino-type thingies, smoking and drinking and doing the cockfighting. Basketball. And the americano is the one carrying the blocks and mixing the mortar, pounding nails etc.

These people will tell you that they behave as they do because they are poor. No, they are poor because they behave this way. It is not a marvel to see a "rich" americano work. The reason why the americano has money is because he works. Look at you. Look at me. I am the one working. You are the one who is doing nothing. You see the correlation there? This house is being erected by my own hands. Not because I "Had Money".

In their minds they sort of justify the idea the americano should pay for building a house because he "happens to have money". Like it fell from the sky or something. So when they see the americano work, it is unsettling because it goes against their self-justification. They think "Americanos do not have to work because they have money". So they can just buy a house with all their free money.

But no, here is the americano actually building the house. So why do you not have one? Because you didn't build one like me.

I had to be willing to walk away from this really scorching-hot youngster. It just isn't worth living that way. We had more than one moment of truth but the biggest single event before immigration was her going hungry for two days on that ship.

When she got here it was the final moment of truth. Was the family going to have an email or text message on our computer waiting for us when we got home? What would be the first phoney crisis they would try to play on us?

No messages. No phone calls. Day after day of honeymoon. They never called us. When she checked in with them, there was no crisis. The budget regime got underway. We send by mail through a remittance corp a small amount each month, and there's one birthday or school thing or whatever every month.

The father is working. He is establishing a better resume and has advanced from the job I originally got him. He's worked two years straight.

I think it was really important that I made her go hungry for two days. Had her suffer the consequences of bad decisions and didn't bail her out. She was always testing my boundaries and of course I slip up and I did not make the best decision every time.

But she is a really hard worker and I consider myself extreemly lucky.

Good luck to you.

[Rhiannercakes 14]

I tried SO hard to read the above post, but it was so long.

Sorry to the poster about it, it actually was interesting, just too long x_x

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I am going to try and get her to read this thread but she will probably be too busy arranging stuff.

Decorations, no doubt.

[NArocks 13]

I am going to try and get her to read this thread but she will probably be too busy arranging stuff.

I figure I have five more years to try and teach her responsibility. IF that doesn't work I will just change my trust and have the executor dole the money out to her and not give it to her in one lump sum. My wife is a nincompooop but I love her just the same. At least she loves me and puts up with my ranting and raving and always kisses me good night so I will continue to teach her about life.

Thanks everyone!

awwwww

[Don José 2]

I tried SO hard to read the above post, but it was so long.

Sorry to the poster about it, it actually was interesting, just too long x_x

In Alaska now, I think the fish ain't biting, hunting is slow, it's cold outside, and the days are too long; hence, it's time to write stories!