Leaving Your Home Behind

[Team J and B 2]

Hi everyone,

I read Visa Journey almost every morning while I have my coffee. It's a great community and sometimes I even read the Canadian forum! I don't post much because most people here are more active on the forums than me, so I post questions usually.

Today is a day of reflection. Exactly a year ago, I was turned away at the YVR airport for failing to provide sufficient proof of ties to Canada. I had never ever heard of that. But then again, I had never ever entered the USA with the intent of staying for more than a week.

My fiance and I met in a third country and after we both returned to our respective countries, we kept in touch daily. A few months later, we wanted to be together in the USA so I packed up two luggages and went. And got turned right around. That was February 19, 2007.

So today is a day of reflection. What we thought was a simple visit for a few months turned into an educational experience, of which I am glad, but of course! Thank you, Visa Journey!

I'm a Vancouver lady at heart. I grew up here. I work, live, and party here. I have friends I've known for nearly 20 years and we still see each other at least once a week. People come from all over the world to my city to see how beautiful it is. They always compliment on the beauty of the mountains, ocean, and people.

I'm going to leave this all behind. What is so great about the USA, I wonder. At least I should be glad I'm moving to SFO, which is like a bigger Vancouver. But still. I have to start all over getting used to doing things the American way. I'm not one of those people who have to make it known to everyone that I'm Canadian, nor do I have a maple leaf sewn on to my jacket! But I understand there are differences between Amurkins and us. I've learned years ago that once you hit a certain age, it is very hard to work your way into a group of friends and become a regular. People have an established group of people they hang out with at this age so if I'm having a not-so-good day or need to b1tch, it will be very difficult to do that.

It's an introspective day. I think I will still be reading this forum after I move. Your experiences will make the transition easier. Thank you for reading, everyone.

J of Team J and B

[Krikit 1,165]

Hi Team J and B! Welcome to the Canada Forum! This is where all us ex-pats come to moan and b!tch, so please feel free to join us!

[rhymeswithcandi 0]

Thanks for sharing that. It was interesting and I can completely relate to it (as I'm sure many others on here can). I met my husband in a similar way (in a 3rd country) and we'll be moving to California (where he is from) in a few months to settle down. I miss Canada and all of my friends and family, and I can relate to your feelings about starting over and making new friends.

Hopefully, you can built a nice network of people in your new home (That's what I'm hoping for myself as well)

Good luck with all of it!

[Mephys 2]

Somehow I don't need necessarly to make it known by everyone.....but somehow I do

Depends on how I feel or what's going on. At work they like to tease me because I'm Canadian, so it's always funny They know I take jokes the good way or they wouldnt be doing it. But I always make sure to tease them as well. My favorite line is "Those silly americans....oh right, you ALL are americans!" lol

I miss Quebec, I miss my friends, I miss poutine, I miss St-Hubert, I miss our good chocolate, I miss the Real Smirnoff Ice, the one made with Vodka instead of malt, I miss stuff like that.

But all this stuff wouldn't make me as happy as I am being with my husband. It's only stuff. That's what keeps me going everyday. The chance I had to meet such a wonderful man, but his obligations with his kids made it the only way to be together. I don't care much about the rest, even though I know the bad reputation of USA in Canada. I didn't come here for the country, I came here for my man.

That's my reflexion about it

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Initially - you notice all the differences. You're excited to move, there's a wedding to plan yet there's a pull from all the familiar things - can make you wonder if it's the right thing to do during those introspective moments. You know all the phone numbers for everything, medically- provincial HC is a snap (despite long waits, we're all comfortable with what we're used to) you don't have to worry about whether your HMO or PPO 'allows you to do 'x' etc etc......

After the whirlwind of moving and wedding, I found things really sunk in. I missed being able to get around myself in a city with mass transit - everything is so suburban where we are now. I found myself pouting about all the changes...I didn't like them at all. Food was slightly different, I had no neighbours to talk to (I actually didn't chat with the ones back home either when I think about it )...everyone at home still was busy doing their thing...except that I was so far away, I wasn't part of it anymore.

No one here can say it will be the same as home and I find the harder I tried to make it fit into my ideas...the worse off I felt. To some extent, you have to allow yourself to assimilate and take in the new, but every once in a while I fight that and feel bad because I'm not being 'extra-Canadian'.

I miss good coffee, good conversation - even if it was for only 10 mins per day with my best friend who worked at the same big company as me, but 2 floors up! I miss being able to use phrases like 'de rigeuers' in conversation and people don't look at you like 'Huh, what?'

The States is different, don't think it won't be, what you will be with your new spouse, having new experiences. I think making plans for when you will return to visit and how you will handle these feelings is helpful and useful...it still may bowl you over initially, but you'll get back up

All this is not to say that I don't love my husband dearly, but if I could have everything and everybody together, I would in a heartbeat

[Krikit 1,165]

Initially - you notice all the differences. You're excited to move, there's a wedding to plan yet there's a pull from all the familiar things - can make you wonder if it's the right thing to do during those introspective moments. You know all the phone numbers for everything, medically- provincial HC is a snap (despite long waits, we're all comfortable with what we're used to) you don't have to worry about whether your HMO or PPO 'allows you to do 'x' etc etc......

After the whirlwind of moving and wedding, I found things really sunk in. I missed being able to get around myself in a city with mass transit - everything is so suburban where we are now. I found myself pouting about all the changes...I didn't like them at all. Food was slightly different, I had no neighbours to talk to (I actually didn't chat with the ones back home either when I think about it )...everyone at home still was busy doing their thing...except that I was so far away, I wasn't part of it anymore.

No one here can say it will be the same as home and I find the harder I tried to make it fit into my ideas...the worse off I felt. To some extent, you have to allow yourself to assimilate and take in the new, but every once in a while I fight that and feel bad because I'm not being 'extra-Canadian'.

I miss good coffee, good conversation - even if it was for only 10 mins per day with my best friend who worked at the same big company as me, but 2 floors up! I miss being able to use phrases like 'de rigeuers' in conversation and people don't look at you like 'Huh, what?'

The States is different, don't think it won't be, what you will be with your new spouse, having new experiences. I think making plans for when you will return to visit and how you will handle these feelings is helpful and useful...it still may bowl you over initially, but you'll get back up

All this is not to say that I don't love my husband dearly, but if I could have everything and everybody together, I would in a heartbeat

OMG, I had a great big belly laugh at that bolded bit!

I hear exactly what you're saying. And I find that coming to the Canada Forum on VJ, and chatting with my virtual friends, has gone a long way to helping me deal with the transition. Unfortunately, I have become somewhat obsessed with this place, because the "conversations" take much longer than in real life, so I find myself hanging around visiting other threads until I see there's been a response. But then I've posted in those other threads so now I have to go back and read them too. So it's a bit of a vicious cycle. I really need to wean myself away from that. So on that note..... I'm gonna go do a bit of grocery shopping now.

[Autumnchik 6]

Hi J! Thanks for your post, very interesting to read. I am the American in this relationship, but post here a lot because you Canadians are just so darn nice

My then fiance was turned away at the Vancouver airport too for not having proof of ties. EVIL AIRPORT!!!

[KarenCee 3]

Welcome J! My husband is the Cdn half. He misses a lot...mostly the food and such. We were fortunate that we never experienced being turned away. Adjusting wasn't easy, but I did everything I could to make the transition as easy as possible. We get "care packages" from home and that helps. We've not been able to fly home since he came here...just haven't had the money. Initially it was me that wanted to emigrate...but I wasn't able. However, when the time is right we ARE going home...home for him, a new home for me.

I really hope your adjustment goes smoothly. The Canada Forum is IMHO one of the best on here. Vent all you want or feel you need to. We're like family here...and maybe this sounds nutzy or pathetic but I feel closer to my Cdn friends here than anyone IRL...other than my beloved Joel.

BTW, they've made me an honourary Canuck!

[Autumnchik 6]

Somehow I don't need necessarly to make it known by everyone.....but somehow I do

Depends on how I feel or what's going on. At work they like to tease me because I'm Canadian, so it's always funny They know I take jokes the good way or they wouldnt be doing it. But I always make sure to tease them as well. My favorite line is "Those silly americans....oh right, you ALL are americans!" lol

I miss Quebec, I miss my friends, I miss poutine, I miss St-Hubert, I miss our good chocolate, I miss the Real Smirnoff Ice, the one made with Vodka instead of malt, I miss stuff like that.

But all this stuff wouldn't make me as happy as I am being with my husband. It's only stuff. That's what keeps me going everyday. The chance I had to meet such a wonderful man, but his obligations with his kids made it the only way to be together. I don't care much about the rest, even though I know the bad reputation of USA in Canada. I didn't come here for the country, I came here for my man.

That's my reflexion about it

Awww Mephys, needed to read this today! Thank you for posting. As the American, I have times where I feel guilty that my husband moved here rather than me moving to Vancouver. Especially since, right before beginning this process, I moved from GA to NH, which was a huge change. In GA, I had a well established group of friends who my husband got along famously with. Here, we knew no one and it is really tough to meet new people up in the rural North country. We are slowly starting to make friends, but I know that the transition has been even harder on him due to lack of friends. I have offered to move to Canada when my job contract is up, but hubby tells me no, that he knows how important it is for me to finally live close to my 70 year old father. Today is one of those days where I have been especially feeling bad for hubby ... because I know he is not as satisfied in his job as he was in Vancouver. Good to have that reminder of how those who moved feel about it.

[LadyNoles 0]

Awww...I've been reading you guys and I know exactly how you all feels..

I am in US right now visiting my fiance and every times I came to see him I can see the huge difference between Canada and United states.

I miss the food (our food lol ) already. Humm poutine and squick squick cheese sound soooo good lol

I miss being able to speak french with my friends or watch some of my favorite programs (even tho some I can on internet )

However, I do have friends here already that I can go out with or chat a lil...The weather isnt as bad as is it in QC ( Although I love cold air on my skin loll )

A part of me is looking forward to go back in Canada and another part is looking forward to come back in US loll

So hopefully I'll adjust easily and my future hubby will open up to visit Canada more often in near future..( he did just a few times )

humm poutine....(I'll dream about it I think )

[daisy16 0]

Unlike other countries, I think one of the issues Canadians may have with moving to the US is that we assume that life in the US is very similar to life in Canada because on the outside, traveling through many communities, that's what it appears to be. We share an overlapping pop culture and drive through the suburbs in Canada and the US, they look eerily similar. In reality, there are many differences. Health Care is a prime example.

Did you know that one true sign of being Canadian is insisting on the differences between Canada and the US!!!!

I don't know how other people make their decisions to leave home, but I suspect that like me, many people make the decision clouded by that love for and desire to be with the loved one far away.

They say it takes up to 7 years to adjust to immigration. I still want to go back to 3 years ago when we filed the K-1 paperwork and I'd not file. I've been here over 2 1/2 years. EVERY SINGLE DAY I believe I made the wrong choice to move here instead of staying in Canada. I went through a great deal of anger at myself and depression. Now I'm resigned. But I'm turning 43 years old this year. I don't have a full time job as yet, I can't get hired in my field and quite frankly, now that I see the state of education here in the US and the effects of NO child left behind, I'm not sure that I could get hired since I don't teach to the test. I also have lost my retirement benefits from Canada. No full-time job, no pension, expensive health insurance has high co-pays and other fees. My financial stability is obviously in jeopardy for the rest of my life, as is my health care. My husband is a work-a-holic, which would be fine if I could get a job here full time. However, the full impact of this is that he doesn't have a social network of his own outside of work. I don't either. As a result, we have neither the money or the contacts to do many social things. I have a few acquaintances, but no friends. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my lifestyle. I miss Tim Hortons!

I don't mean to whine, just state the facts of my life. We considered NONE of these issues before I moved here. We did not set up the situation to be ultimately successful for me. We just did the absolute minimum planning about what would happen after I got here, got married, and filed for AOS. I have nowhere close to walk my dog. Much of my stuff is still in storage because our place is too small, but we can't afford something bigger, we live too far away from urban areas so that I can't enjoy my hobbies. All we could think of is being together and working through the immigration stress that for some can be a nightmare. I think you are smart to recognize now what you have and to look at the bigger picture of your whole life, not just the relationship. Depending on your personality and location, it may be easy to replace, it may not.

I know not everyone feels like I do. But you may want to read carefully many people's stories about their adjustment, not just from Canada. You may get a good sense of the challenges that we've faced and that will maybe give you the opportunity to better prepare yourself for your new life.

[shawna7 4]

Wow..I came across this thread in good timing today. I just moved to SC a month ago,we were married within a week and have filed for AOS and all that.. now everything is starting to sink in and it is not as easy as I thought..lol To start with I brought my 15 year old daughter with me who is NOT adjusting well... she misses her friends she misses the food..she misses her friends..lol She wants to go home and I don't know how or if I can stop this..Her father is telling her..come home whenever you want..she just visited with him and friends in Buffalo(of course she can't croos the border yet) and now shes modier than ever! Has anyone been through this with a teen? I feel terribly guilty she is so unhappy..on one hand its only been 5 weeks..I tell myself she'll adjust..on the other hand I just want to throw up my hands and take her home...Its so very difficult..and yeaterday they sent pack my AOS packets(and hers(saying the cheque amounts were wrong..I used a lawyer!!I feel like yelling at the lawyer and saying if i wanted the paperwork messed up..I would have sent it myself!!haha anyway..Its truly wonderful to have a place to come and see how other canucks are fairing..and to just beable to vent a little..I feel a tiny bit better...Does anyone know ..if my daughter does indeed decide to go home.. how does that work with Immigration? does it mean we abandon her claim for good?or can it be put on hold? I'm just feeling a bit stuck..

[Emancipation 2]

Your Handle says everything.. you and your soon to be hubby are a team.. and that's how you'll get through this..

I know my hubby has made this transition so much easier.. He's listened to my ranting and raving when I hear sickening stories of families struggling because they are under covered through their health insurance, etc. He gets that things are different for me here, especially with my circle of friends (or lack there of) and the fact that I was so involved in my church community back home, but here - it's just so hard to fit in with a bunch of Ivy Leaguers.. *sigh.. there were so many things along the way that were hard for me, but as a team we got through it.. My hubby (the USC) was of the opinion that US & Canada were exactly the same places, and now that he's been through Michelle's "Re-Education" - he's learning what differences there really are between how we perceive things, or views on governments role in our lives etc. We are SO different on the political spectrum that we have to giggle about it, but it does expand both our minds to think about things from another perspective, and tHAT is priceless IMO.

I'm getting there.. I laughed when reading Autumnchik's post about the NE.. I've been thinking New England has helped me to ease into the US transition because so much is like back home here (connection to the sea, the geography etc), but it is true the people are so busy, and so isolated up here.. Thinking about going further "South" scares the bejeebers outta me BUT, hubby & I are in this for good and for worse, so we just need to lean on each other, give each other understanding, and loads of time and space to adjust.. It would be the same thing if hubby moved to Canada afterall (although he says it would be simple for him to move up to Canada)..

Anywhoo.. the CDN Forum has been a live saver too.. so many great people here, so willing to listen.. you are in the right place my friend!!!

[LadyNoles 0]

WOW !! I am just speechless

[Team J and B 2]

Thank you so much for your contributions to this topic. I enjoy reading the good, the bad, and though not yet, I can't wait to read the ugly. Have any of you gone to Starbucks and ask for a Double Double? Do any of you keep a hockey stick in your car instead of a baseball bat? Do any of you start sentences with, "Back in my igloo at home..." just to get a rise out of people?

I know when moving to a new territory we all have fears and insecurities, whether you're moving to Smalltownville or downtown Manhattan. Some parts fear, some parts excitement, some part anxiousness, sleepless nights before the big move, etc. It's fun for the first few months when you're getting to know your new city, everyone is nice to you, you think, "I'm gonna rule this town, dammit!" Then the newness and freshness diminishes a bit and unknowingly, you fall into a routine. Then the b1tching and moaning start surfacing. Haha, kinda like a new relationship, eh?

My husband is extremely patient and supportive of my eventual big move. He has told me over and again that I don't need to work. Not when I move, not when I get my work permit, not ever. But he says it's all up to me. I can work part-time, full-time, as long as I can occupy myself and not just sit at home eating bonbons waiting for him. He says if I can find a great volunteer opp working with animals (my new career path?) or going to school (cooking or veterinary?) then by all means do it. Also we are looking at places to buy in downtown SF or one of those cute little towns a short drive away, so that will keep us occupied for the first year.

My K1 journey is taking longer than most people's (check out my timeline), but I think it's a blessing in disguise. That just gives me more time in MY city with MY friends. On one hand I want to get the visa in hand asap. On the other, I want to spend as much time in Vancouver as possible.

Guess it's the moving jitters, eh!