Dear Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear VJ readers:

AOS Despair (aka Julie) has kindly allowed me to use her VJ account to offer my advice column, Dear Joyce, here in OT.

For those of you who may not be familiar with me, I am the lovely lady, if I may toot my own horn, who appears in AOS Despair's signature. I released a self-titled album in the early 1980s, which included such chartbusters as "I Get All Excited," and "Get Your Hands Off My Polyester (I'm Not That Kind of Woman)."

I am a liberated woman who has much to offer today's discerning readers. Ladies, have you grown confused by the plethora of synthetic fabrics available today? Are you perplexed by all the conflicting advice out there about what to look for in a pantsuit? Have you ever been told that you can't beat a man at tennis, and other such put-downs? I can address these issues and more. I can give you tips on keeping your helmet hairstyle immobile amid the fiercest hurricane conditions, and never again will you wonder which earrings are optimal for complementing your giant, perfectly round tinted glasses.

And guys, I haven't forgotten about you. Are you finding it difficult to carry on a conversation with a career woman? Are you frustrated that women today don't know how to make a soufflé or prepare a fondue? Are you wondering why you can't seem to rope yourself a "Joyce"? Well, I've got advice for you too. Do you find it curious that these average Joes manage to "hook up" with Joyces while you're at home on a Friday night entertaining yourself, so to speak?

Please, don't be shy. Dear Joyce is at your service. I look forward to hearing from you.

Love,

Joyce

[almaty 19]

Dear Joyce,

you are an amazing sexy and beautiful woman..have you had work on that body and face? ...curious dean

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Dear Joyce,

Is it really possible for a man to achieve multiple orgasms like Sting claims he can?

[Ban Hammer 13,332]

everyone grab a pillow - i've seen enough.

[almaty 19]

dear joyce.....

is it wrong to rub your nuts in public..if you, cracked them on your truck door?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Dear Joyce,

I've read that the reason why we have pubic hair is that it helps with the concentration of pheromones that attract our mates. If that's true, why am I turned off by a thick bush?

Edited December 19, 2007 by Mister Fancypants

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

you are an amazing sexy and beautiful woman..have you had work on that body and face? ...curious dean

My goodness, Dean, thank you for the compliment.

I can assure you that what you see is 100% real Joyce.

I keep my figure by eating sensibly and only indulging in Cool Whip once a week.

I also use Cool Whip as an exfoliant, and as you can see, it does the trick!

Love,

Joyce

[almaty 19]

thanks joyce...Mr Joyce is a luck son of a #######

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

Is it really possible for a man to achieve multiple orgasms like Sting claims he can?

Dear Mr. Fancypants (is that your real name, goodness!)

I believe that Sting is full of hooey on this one. You don't want to risk injury to your man plumbing by attempting such nonsense.

Love,

Joyce

p.s. Who is Sting?

[Empress of Groovy 373]

everyone grab a pillow - i've seen enough.

Dear Charles:

While some ladies appreciate "pillow talk," others may find it a bit distasteful. It does take some degree of judgment to determine what sort of lady your date is.

I say, when in doubt, tell her that she's wearing a pretty dress.

Love,

Joyce

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Dear Joyce,

Is it really possible for a man to achieve multiple orgasms like Sting claims he can?

Dear Mr. Fancypants (is that your real name, goodness!)

I believe that Sting is full of hooey on this one. You don't want to risk injury to your man plumbing by attempting such nonsense.

Love,

Joyce

p.s. Who is Sting?

Yes, it is my real name. Phew, what a relief on multiple orgasms for men being a hooey, because I'm a one trick pony...usually sound asleep afterwards. I think Sting's original name was Gordon Sumner, but he changed it after achieving multiple orgasms on consecutive nights....like, "Damn that Stings!"

[Empress of Groovy 373]

dear joyce.....

is it wrong to rub your nuts in public..if you, cracked them on your truck door?

Dear Dean,

Ouch! I suggest that you be discreet in your nuts rubbing, and try not to do so close to pretty girls. They may get the wrong idea.

Here's to a speedy recovery!

Love,

Joyce

[almaty 19]

thanks for your kind words and direction sister joyce..

hey, i got a spare office in my practice ..ever thought about being a psychologist?

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I've read that the reason why we have pubic hair is that it helps with the concentration of pheromones that attract our mates. If that's true, why am I turned off by a thick bush?

Dear Mr. Fancypants:

Yes, that is true. As for why you're turned off by the "natural look," perhaps your partner (or former partner, I don't mean to be presumptuous) should practice a different hygiene regimen. Perfumed soaps, scented douches, and personal sprays make great gifts.

Good luck!

Love,

Joyce

[MissStacey 1]

Dear Joyce,

I often find my husband spending many hours alone locked in the bathroom. When he comes out he is all flushed and sweaty and holding a picture of you. Do you think he is constipated? Should I add more fiber to his diet?

Signed,

Alone while my husband is the bathroom.