TBoneTX

In the year Many, the first Dalmatian was spotted, si and hee hee hee man.

RFK Jr. Tells Story About Time He Hijacked Airplane, Parachuted Out With Bags Of Money, And Got Away Scot-Free WASHINGTON, D.C. — Showing himself once again to be a man of the people, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. told an interviewer a story about the time he hijacked an airplane, parachuted out with bags of money, and got away scot-free. The inspiring tale was just one portion of the tremendous tapestry of stories woven by Kennedy during his time on the campaign trail, aimed at informing the media and the voting public about who RFK Jr. really is. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/rfk-jr-tells-story-about-time-he-hijacked-airplane-parachuted-out-with-bags-of-money-and-got-away-scot-free

Perhaps closer to the truth than to satire? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Suspicions Rise As New Footage Shows Secret Service Helping Adjust Trump Shooter's Scope U.S. — Newly released footage from the attempted assassination of President Donald Trump at a rally in Butler, Pennsylvania has stirred suspicions across the country, as it shows what appears to be Secret Service agents helping the Trump shooter adjust his scope before the shooting. The now-viral five-minute-long video shows a Secret Service agent carefully explaining the nuances of adjusting a high-powered scope to the Trump shooter, Thomas Matthew Crooks. The video has sparked demands for further investigation. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/suspicions-rise-as-new-footage-shows-secret-service-helping-adjust-trump-shooters-scope

~~~~~~~~~~~ Josh Shapiro Annoyed He Got This 'Death To Israel' Neck Tattoo For Nothing [...] The Pennsylvania governor had gone to great lengths to distance himself from his Jewish heritage and endear himself to Democrats, including hitting a local tattoo shop to get a tattoo on his neck that he hoped would convince voters that he held no loyalty to Israel. Harris's decision to go in a different direction, however, left Shapiro feeling regret. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/josh-shapiro-annoyed-he-got-this-death-to-israel-neck-tattoo-for-nothing

Pow! ~~~~~~~~~~~ Tim Walz Vows To Make America As Great As Minneapolis [...] "As the governor who presided over the looting and burning of Minneapolis during the summer of 2020, I have full confidence that I will be able to apply my experience stirring up race riots on the national scale as well as I have in my home state," Walz reportedly stated. "If I am elected vice-president, I solemnly swear to 'raze' every American city to Minneapolis' level of greatness." [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/tim-walz-vows-to-make-america-as-great-as-minneapolis

Worth reading, from a native. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts on My Governor Tim Walz Please don't worry- this will not be the last time I write about my governor, Tim Walz, assuming that the news that Kamala Harris chose him as her running mate pan out. And all indications are that this is a done deal. As Ed wrote, Tim Walz is a ridiculous choice for Harris, proving once again that her political instincts are about as bad as humanly possible. I was expecting Josh Shapiro, fully aware that the antisemitic wing of the Democrat Party would howl in rage. Picking him would have been a smart Sister Soulja moment and help Harris in the must-win state of Pennsylvania. [...] https://hotair.com/david-strom/2024/08/06/my-thoughts-on-tim-walz-n3792755

Because our Official Weekly Sunday VAWA-Thread Joke worked so well, here's our Semiofficial Semiweekly Wednesday VAWA-Thread Joke: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= AFFIRMATIONS Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they ticked me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, because they may be connected to the butt that I may kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday. And, help me to remember... when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to tick me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend a certain finger and tell them to bite me.

TEXAS IN THE SUMMERTIME You know you're in TEXAS during the summertime when: 1. The best parking places are determined by the available shade, instead of the distance from the desired location. 2. Hot water now comes out of both taps, and you can make sun tea instantly. 3. You learn that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. 4. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. 5. You discover that in the months of July & August, it takes only two fingers to steer your car. 6. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. 7. You also discover that you can burn your hand while opening the car door. 8. You break into a sweat the very instant that you step outside at 7:30 a.m. 9. Your biggest bicycle-wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out, and end up lying unconscious on the pavement and cook to death?" 10. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. 11. The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. 12. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is dig one out of the ground, rinse it off, and add butter, salt, and pepper for an instant baked potato. 13. The farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. 14. The cows are giving evaporated milk. 15. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

ROOSTER My uncle John was in the fertilized-egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now, this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters so he could hear them chasing pullets. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells. My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning. Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, have his way with her, and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges awarded him both the No-Bell Prize and the Pullet Surprise.

Great ad! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Trump Ad: 'Chief Weirdo Tim Walz' This didn't take long. It's almost as if Republicans knew what was coming. Democrats wanted to have The Weirdo Debate. Tim Walz even got it kick-started. And it looks as though Team Trump has been champing at the bit to get it really fired up. Their new ad calls the Minnesota governor that mandated tampon distribution in boys' bathrooms the "Chief Weirdo" [...] https://hotair.com/ed-morrissey/2024/08/06/new-trump-ad-weirdo-walz-n3792765

You've reminded me: I was touring the flatlands of the Texas Panhandle years ago on a particularly windy day, and I observed the town chicken laying the same egg four times.

Kansas Newspaper Raid Case Drawing to a Close This is one of those "local news stories" that probably would have remained local were it not for the numerous bizarre details involved. Last year, we learned that the offices of a small-town newspaper in Marion County, Kansas had been raided by the police. Records, computers, and phones had been seized. The police even raided the home of the editor of the paper, potentially leading to his elderly mother dying of a stroke shortly thereafter. This sounded like a blatantly unconstitutional action, but the police insisted they had reasonable grounds to conduct the raid. Yet the details of what prompted the action made little to no sense. Now, more than a year later, charges are being filed, but not against the newspaper. The charges are being brought against the former Marion County Police Chief, Gideon Cody. [...] https://hotair.com/jazz-shaw/2024/08/06/kansas-newspaper-raid-case-drawing-to-a-close-n3792759

Oakland's Police Union Demands Mayor Sheng Thao Resign Immediately The last time we checked in with Mayor Sheng Thao of Oakland, things were not going very well. In mid-June a recall election was approved and then the very next day her home was raided by the FBI. For several days, the mayor seemed to be MIA. Then she gave a defiant press conference during which she said she'd done nothing wrong. She even suggested the timing of the raid, a day after the recall was approved, was suspicious. Apparently her lawyer and her spokesman weren't on board with those comments because they both quit. It felt at the time as if Thao might give in to the pressure and resign but she held on. Not much has happened over the past month except that there have been some indications that her partner, Andre Jones, is also part of the FBI investigation. After a month of relative quiet, today the Oakland Police Union weighed in, demanding that Thao resign immediately or else. [...] https://hotair.com/john-s-2/2024/08/06/oaklands-police-union-demands-mayor-sheng-thao-resign-immediately-n3792798

BuzzFeed's List of Kamala Harris' Accomplishments Is Exactly as Pathetic As You Think If you were under the impression that Kamala Harris' record as Vice President is pathetic, BuzzFeed is here to set you straight. They produced a "Top 11" list of her accomplishments that simply blew me away, and no doubt will leave you speechless. No politicians before, and few in the future, could possibly top her list of accomplishments. You go, girl! [...] https://hotair.com/david-strom/2024/08/06/buzzfeeds-list-of-kamala-harris-accomplishments-is-exactly-as-pathetic-as-you-think-n3792747

However, they'll pick up the votes from the Death To Israel clowns in Dearbornistan.

Maybe the chicks need better negotiating skills when salary discussions occur.

Thrilling Tuesday report, see man: While preparing for Uncle T-B.'s doc caucus, we got a phone call, interruption man. It was his "previous" Casa Healthcare outfit that he'd discharged, "Uh, I don't need 'em man" man. They had re-registered themselves for him through his doc whom we were visiting today, si man! They wanted to schedule the evaluation by the Registered Nooser, required for service man. We temporarily put them off pending doc caucus, grateful we man. This will probably turn out to be a save-timing boon, si and see below man. Collected Uncle T-B., who could barely make it to the T-B.-mobile, huffing puffing senior he man man. Saw Nooser Practitioner, who was just as good as the phenomenal doc, impressed we man. She spent almost a full hour with us, amazing man. She palpated his abdomen, not done at hospital man. She ordered a pee sample, not done at hospital man. She told senior he man to take Dulcolax tonight and tomorrow morn, see if senior he man can poop man. She confirmed that the Casa Healthcare place was ready for action, confirm she man. She told Uncle T-B. that fizzicle therapy will be involved, helpful even if basic man. She will give a Urology referral if senior he man's peeing doesn't return to normal, pee man. She wants an abdominal CT with contrast if all else fails, figure out what's going on man. She will keep main doc well within the loop, confirmed and save-timing man. This was all amazing, si man. Uncle T-B. was almost completely out of it the whole time, good that we were there man. Took Uncle T-B. the short way home, exhausted senior he man man. Stopped at Kroger, on the way man. Got store-brand Dulcolax and some low-dose aspirin*, no sign of same at Uncle T-B.'s casa man. *bought WUOC, financially savvy we man on behalf of senior he man man Got Uncle T-B. inside, It's Hell To Be Old man. Uncle T-B. collapsed in chair and said that he might be able to provide pee sample, superb man. He did, pee man. We restocked his pill-caddy, take stock and restock we man. Uncle T-B. collapsed on his bed, exhausted senior he man man. We bade farewell and returned to doc's office with pee sample, si to pee with we man man. Aide took pee sample and said to wait till Friday to discern any infection, OK man. Doc was in hallway, greet we man MD man man. Doc confirmed having approved Casa Healthcare and we exchanged pleasantries, si man. We left feeling very well pleased with this progress, sense of forward motion man. Went to Costco, halfway there already man. Gassed the thirsty T-B.-mobile, such a gas man. Went in for lunch, big mistake at 1 p.m. man. Place was mobbed, amazing on a Tuesday midday man. Lunch was the beef hot dog + (Diet) Pepsi, ingest we man. Left to warsh the filthy T-B.-mobile, not done since pre-hurricane man. T-B.-mobiled to casa, exhausted perspirational we man. Serviced demanding miu, Brush Treat Feed Me Immediately Daddy man. Phoned Mama T-B., who surprisingly didn't interrupt man. She too sounded very well pleased with Uncle T-B.'s progress, didn't yell at us at all man. After some computer work with fan off-cooling us, we siesta'd, zzz we man. Just Many minutes before alarm, Uncle T-B. called, awaken we man senior he man man. "I just woke up, si man," said senior he man, sounding much better man. Uncle T-B. thanked us and asked if we'd pilled his caddy appropriately, confirm we man. After this, Casa Healthcare head chica called to schedule Nooser's visit, Thursday noon man. We shall and must be there, intercede with oft-confused Uncle T-B. man. Din-din was Modified Tuna Glop, ingest and diet we man. Out-filled skool forms for Mini-B., formal we man. Found one supplies requirement from one of Mini-B.'s teechurs, why can't ALL let us know NOW man. Received shopping-list from Mama T-B., receive we man. Went to Dollar-&-Half-of-Half-a-Dollar Tree, shop for Mama T-B. & Mini-B. we man. Found all crucial items, serendipitous man. Skipped late TV news in favor of up-cleaning casa, industrious we man. Removed last stray items from guest room, remove we man. Put new bedspread on guest bed, King spread looks better on Queen bed man. Up-bagged 2 old Queen bedspreads + superfluous pillow-shams, donate these man. Vacuumed guestroom floor, scare miu we man. Room now looks rather like a decent motel room, finally accomplished man. Of course, no one will probably ever occupy it**, sigh we man. **the rubias are to stay in our room until we kick them out, explanation man Took vacuum downstairs to up-clean entire bare floor, covered with detritus man. Scared miu jumped atop high bookcase and miu'd objections at us, displeased miu man. Vacuuming surprisingly successful, satisfied we man. Miu observed away-putting of vacuum, suspicious miu man. Miu was finally satisfied and demanded yet another miu-treat, Treat Me After This Outrage Daddy man. Ex-Mrs.-T-B. and Mini-B. will come to visit at probably Many p.m. on Wednesday, finally man. We may have a "can you find everything new/different" contest for Mini-B., si man: -- new outdoor/indoor front mats, si man -- new front-door peepholes, see man -- newly cleaned end-table by downstairs couch, see man -- new desk for Mini-B., whee man -- new mat inside patio door, si man -- new fridge ice-maker, si man -- reconstituted guest room, si man -- new closet-rod brace in Mini-B.'s closet, have to search wee man man -- all-new nightshirts in Mini-B.'s dresser, have to search wee man man -- new clock on bathroom wall, timely man -- slightly skinnier Daddy man, less of us to si man And who knows what we're forgetting, si man. We are inclined to up-clean some piles of junk on our bedroom floor, probably not as daunting as we think man. We are equally inclined to vegetate baskingly in the glory of our accomplishments, rightful prerogative man. And this was/is our thrilling Tuesday, report we man.

Get a miu, si Bro G man. Any hurricane effects, huh Bro G man?

I concluded long ago that these are unnecessary and often cruel. Sorry about your dad's reaction, Y ma'am. That's considerate, sweet, and loving, si Y ma'am. "Yes, Dear; whatever you say, Dear." Good Y ma'am! Good, GOOD Y ma'am! "Doctor, Doctor! The Invisible Man is here for his appointment, si man!" "Well, tell him I can't see him, no man." You took your husband to get shot?! Bad Y ma'am! Bad, BAD Y ma'am! We heartily approve of this save-costing effort, $i Y ma'am. Financially savvy Mr. Y man! Financially savvy, FINANCIALLY SAVVY Mr. Y man! We remain mystified at how chicas can pour boiling-hot wax on their upper thigh and rip out hair by the roots but still be afraid of a lizard, si man. Get a miu, si Y ma'am. And that was/is your thrilling Monday report, si Y ma'am.

Yee-HAAAAA! [Note to T-B.'s self: Jokes worked again... jokes worked again... ]

Thread is moved to the Tax & Finances forum -- topic is credit rating.

Democrats Worried Choosing Jewish Vice President May Cost Them The All-Important "Death To America" Vote WASHINGTON, D.C. — After hearing Josh Shapiro might be Kamala Harris's pick for Vice President, Democrats worry his name on the ticket might cost them the all-important "Death To America" vote. "I think Josh is very qualified to be Harris's VP pick," Chuck Schumer told the press over the weekend. "I do worry he might discourage those wishing to obliterate the U.S. and wipe Israel off the face of the Earth. We really need those votes." [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-worried-choosing-jewish-vice-president-may-cost-them-the-all-important-death-to-america-vote

~~~~~~~~~~~ Kamala Desperately Googles 'What Is A Stock Market Crash' WASHINGTON, D.C. — As stock markets crashed around the globe amid poorer-than-expected jobs reports and the threat of even more wars, Vice President Kamala Harris was reportedly seen desperately googling "What Is A Stock Market Crash." According to eyewitnesses, staffer Greg lost the round of rock-paper-scissors and was chosen to break the news of the stock market crash to Kamala. "Uh, Madame Vice President," said Greg, being careful to avoid making any eye contact. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-desperately-googles-what-is-a-stock-market-crash

Of relevance to codpieces... ~~~~~~~~~~ Referee Warns Olympic Women's Boxing Finalists Not To Punch Each Other In The Testicles [...] "Please, no punches to the yam bag," Olympic boxing referee Claude Laurent said. "If these men do not adhere to the rules and insist on swinging at each other's… how you say… junk, then it will leave a black mark on the history of women's boxing forever. So, for the sake of fair competition and sportsmanship, do not punch each other in the testicles." [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/referee-warns-olympic-womens-boxing-finalists-not-to-punch-each-other-in-the-testicles

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ British Man Forced To Use Finger Guns To Fight Off Knife Attack LONDON — Unassuming British citizen Oliver Blibbensby III barely survived a run-in with a group of knife-wielding Muslims after being forced to resort to finger guns for self-defense. "Pew! Pew! You're quite dead, my Mohammedan chap!" witnesses heard Blibbensby yell. But the Muslims were impervious to his claims that they were "dead" and therefore not allowed to stab him. He was later transported to the hospital with multiple stab wounds. [...] https://babylonbee.com/news/british-man-forced-to-use-finger-guns-to-fight-off-knife-attack