Well, three frickin years after applying (are you kidding me?), my adjustment of status application was finally approved! At this rate maybe I'll be able to vote in the 2032 presidential election...
Only consolation is we didn't have to drive almost two hours each way to an interview, and didn't have to file yet another application (and wait another three years lmao) to remove conditions on a 2-year permanent resident card.
See signature below for timeline.