Giving a bit of an update. I'm still waiting (shocker) and I can't quite comprehend such level of incompetence.
I have reached out to USCIS 7 times in the past 8 months. I've also recently filed a case with my senator and congressional representative as well as the USCIS ombudsman (I didn't do it sooner because every time I would get in touch with USCIS, I'd have to wait 30 days minimum at a time for them to get back to me. I didn't want those two requests to run concurrently, in hindsight I realize it was probably a mistake). I even wrote a letter addressed to the officer who interviewed me at the Manhattan field office... I'm not holding my breath on any of those though given the agency's previous track record.
The last update I got from them was that they needed to get my records from the National Records Center, so they could better understand what the bottleneck was, and then get back to me. They said it would take between three to six weeks. It's been eight.
Now the issue I'm facing is that my conditional green card is expiring in May and I'm not going to receive a 10-year green card. I got a letter stating that since my N-400 had been approved, I would just have to wait for the oath ceremony to take place. However, as far as I know, I'm legally obliged to possess an unexpired proof of residency with me at all times. As such, what are my options? Do I have to get an appointment with USCIS so they can extend my conditional green card by stamping my passeport? This is all so silly and such a waste of human resource on their end as well when they could just give me the damn certificate. What a farce.