Balamban

I brought my fiancée to America on a K1, 3 ½ years ago, we married and married life has been wonderful. Then, out of the blue, my wife left and asked for a divorce. Why? Because her family in Cebu demanded that she leave and divorce me. Seriously, my wife left a note: “I love you, but I must leave.” My mistake, six years ago, was that I had told her that my “dream” was to have a mango farm on Bohol. That dream and FaceBook has ended my marriage. Of course, there’s more to that. I’m an RN and ran into a situation at work where a nurse filed a complaint with the Board of Nursing, well, not “a” complaint, rather it was over 40 complaints. The Board of Nursing turned it over to my state’s Attorney General’s Investigative Department (police) and the investigation took over two years. For those two years, I was unable to work as an RN. The outcome, not that long ago, all dismissed. Innocent. But here I was with no income for two years, and that’s equal to about 10 million pesos that I did not have. Well, it seemed that long ago my soon to be ex-wife told the family about my dream farm. It is clear that the family, extended family, neighborhood, compadres and all those in the town started waiting for the daughter who married the (rich) American to buy the farm. But, nobody, and not my wife ever told me that they were waiting for “the farm.” This expectation was never voiced, I had no clue that one hundred people were waiting for the happy announcement: “daughter has a mango farm for the family.” Year one of our marriage, great, everybody was happy. Year two, odd family demands, unsettling demands for more and more peso. Originally, we sent 4k peso, then 6, 8, 10, then Covid hit and I sent 20k @ month, to help the siblings out—but nobody ever seemed happy. One day there was weeping and gnashing of teeth, “papa is to be thrown out of his house.” (He’s an informal squatter and does not own the land the house is on). Oh, but guess what? Brother-in-law just happened to have found a good piece of land for only 350k peso. Great, I said, buy it. But, *groan*. No clear title, no proof that taxes were up to date and worse, far worse, the land was land-locked. This means, no access to a road. I said the buyer: “Sure, I’ll buy it, let’s work with a lawyer, and pay some peso to a neighbor to get a titled right-of-way. Her response: “You have no money, you kuripot.” *click* Shortly after that my wife’s sister’s family locked us out on FB. Huh? Then, every month, on the 15th, when we made remittances, my wife was increasingly traumatized. I got to dread the 15th, like the plague, just hoping to get through it and no, I was not going to keep increasing remittances forever—so there was argument, our only fights were about family and remittances. Interestingly, papa was never thrown out, so much for the imminent eviction. One day the family happily announced they had found the perfect small farm, it had mango trees, and was only 3.2 million (US ~$60,000). It was perfect and I would have loved to buy it but I had gone 2 years with no income and had to say no. Silence, and then volcanic eruptions. “Papa tried to stab is son, he is in a drunken rage.” Another week, “Papa has gone on a binge and has broken all the glass in the house.” Translation: “You are a bad daughter, (and by definition, a bad son-in-law), you did not buy the farm, you are forcing papa (an alcoholic) to drink.” Then on October 15th, we were one day late in remittances. Oh, the angst! The crime of the century. And the next day, my wife asked for a divorce, packed up and left and has not returned and will not return. What is fascinating is she was never a gold-digger, she was a great woman, a great wife and I am crushed but there is absolutely nothing that I can do. It seems to me that this is an odd (maybe, maybe not) case where the cause was the family, not the wife. Her AOS has not been finalized and I wonder what will happen if we are called in for an interview. If asked: “Was this a bona-fide relationship?” I would have to say: “Yes, until the family demanded an end to it and my wife obeyed, even though she had said in our wedding ceremony: “I promise to love, honor, cherish and protect him, forsaking all others, holding only unto him forevermore.” I asked her about her vows (we’re civil, we live in a no-fault state, and are breaking up civilly). Her response: “That wasn’t a real wedding.” (meaning it wasn’t in the Phils) So, for anyone who might read this, consider marrying your fiancé in the Philippines where the marriage is apt to be considered “real,” by the family. And for the naysayers, no, there is no other guy in the wings. She’s moved in with a Filipina friend (a married couple) and is doing what her parents demand: Last week she has worked exactly 88 hours. I had suspected that but 3 weeks have gone by and there appears to be no hidden lover to be. I wanted a simple Filipina and got one and it was the best, but what I failed to realize was that I did not marry a Filipina, I married about 100 others variously related. Had I the money to buy that farm, I’d be happily married today. That’s a hard lesson on Filipina culture. For the Filipinas (ino’s) and spouses here, a question: Is this common? FaceBook is loaded with good daughters who bought their parents a house/land/farm. The message to too many is: "If daughter marries a foreign man, the house/farm will come." Sure, it does for some and sure all daughters and their son-in-laws will and would do that, if they can. My problem was, I couldn't, at least not in the time-frame that the family wanted. And yes, not understanding I’ve offered to buy the landlocked land or the farm (in a few years since I’ll be back working full-time again in a few weeks) but “no,” I am defined now as kuripot (cheap) and there is no forgiving that. The family has lost “face.” And I made it worse since I complained on FaceBook, for when she left I had thought there was another guy, and said so, so now there is no turning back the hands of time. It is difficult for a Westerner to understand the concept of “face,” but this sums it up. “When you cause a Filipino to lose face in front of his friends or family, you are in for trouble and you need to figure out what to do. If you don’t, there’s no telling what could happen, including death. That would be extreme, but it does happen. Basically, I would suggest that you need to show some humility, and apologize in front of the same people that witnessed the event. If you don’t do that, the person who lost face will not regain his honor. Basically, if you take no action to correct the problem, revenge might happen, and it might happen even years later. These things are not easily forgotten.” https://liveinthephilippines.com/loss-of-face/ I shall try to apologize but I’ve been told, it will make no difference and that I must move on, as hard as it is for my Western psyche to grasp. For all Western males here I strongly suggest that you read Culture Shock Guide (Philippines) Alfredo and Grace Roces. https://www.amazon.com/Culture-Shock-Philippines-Survival-Etiquette/dp/0761456716/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=culture+shock+philippines&qid=1636306114&sr=8-1