rkk1

Oh and a few more things I forgot to respond to..
No, my parents will not be sponsoring my husband. I make about $40k a year currently, so if we decide to proceed further I'll sponsor him on my own. I also agree that we should slow down this visa process for the time being and see whether we can make things work first or not. My national exams are in early July... and I don't expect the I-130 to be approved until mid-August. So there is hopefully enough time for us to work out our issues or not. But if we are still unsure by then, then I am okay with holding out the visa process until we know what is best for us.
As far as Darnell's comment about me showing this thread to my father, there could be both advantages and disadvantages to doing so. The advantage is, as mentioned, that yes, my dad has been in this country long enough to see through my husband's behavior. My dad would not be pleased if he thought my husband wanted any money from me (which my husband is claiming he doesn't but simply thought I was offering). My dad has a lot of pride in himself for taking care of his family... and I'm sure he hopes that my husband would have this kind of pride as well, so that my dad can feel confident that I'll be well taken care of when he is no longer around. (Now of course I don't NEED a man to take care of me, as I'm fully capable of taking care of myself... but this is just a dad's wish for his daughter to have such a husband who will be there for her.) So yes, it would help my parents understand what I was going through and probably they'd be able to give me more emotional support.
On the other hand, I've intentionally not told them yet, because my parents are also very gullable and it's easy to induce guilt with them. At the time of the engagement, they were giving my husband's family a lot of money, which I objected to. But my relatives were inducing guilt saying that the girl's side has to give the guy's side money, as it's custom. (Some of my husband's extended family exerted minor pressure about gifts, but it was my own relatives who were much worse than even my husband's side.) After I got super upset with my family over the money they gave to my (then) fiance at the time of the engagement, my parents promised they wouldn't do that at the wedding. During the wedding time, they were again being guilt-induced by my relatives for not giving big gifts. My parents were feeling embarrassed thinking that my husband's family would think less of them for not giving enough. After much objection from me again, my parents finally gave very small gifts to my husband's family members (shawls and dress suits, etc, but no cars or luxury items). I was still not entirely happy with this, but got tired of fighting. Now if my parents come to know that my husband and I are arguing over money matters, they might likely go behind my back to offer him money (which they've already done before as my husband has told me. My parents talk to my husband on their own for an hour each week, and my husband told me that my dad told him to tell him if his family ever needs anything. I find this degrading, but I don't know what to do). Although my parents would not give money to my husband's family happily, I bet they would gladly do it if they thought it would save our marriage. I do not agree that my parents should be in any way obliged to send their hard-earned money to my husband or his family (which is needed for their own retirement). And thus I see no need to tell my parents about our struggles it terms of discussing financial matters. If we get closer to the idea of divorcing, then certainly I've had to discuss this with my parents. They themselves were already asking today if everything was fine with my husband, as he didn't pick up their call a few days ago. So they will know soon enough if things go downhill between us. But I won't make a big issue over finances as I don't want my parents to feel guilt-induced into giving my husband money in attempts to save our marriage.

Hey! Thanks so much for checking on me. I have discussed some of these issues with my husband, and I actually went to my counselor today and talked with her about this issue (will get to that in a min).
As far as my husband goes, there hasn't been much progress with him. He was initially still trying to tell me that I should get them a car with $1,000 of the $5,000 or so (estimated) money that I'd get back from filing the joint tax return. He says that without his efforts to get his passport Apostilled, I wouldn't have been able to apply to file joint taxes, and thus am only getting this $5k because of him. Therefore, he thinks it fair to ask for $1k for a car for him and his family. As far as his other points about sending money to his family and his family staying with us for extended visits... he says that he has to share the burden with his brother as they are the only 2 children of their parents. He says he can't expect his brother to carry all of their parents expenses, nor would it be fair if their parents are only living with the brother all year and not him (although technically, I don't see it that way as it is him and his brother who were the ones who never moved out of their parents house, as is common in Indian culture). He says it's not equality when I get to control (???) 95% of his income and he can't even send his parents 5% of what he makes. He also says that he would want his parents to live with us for some months at a time, as it's not really fair that I get to see my parents, sister, aunts and uncles and cousins (who all live in the same city as me) on a regular basis while he's torn from his family. So he's sticking to his points. Although I can understand his frustration to some degree, I think he should have discussed all this with me before marriage so I had the opportunity to make more informed decisions.
I discussed all the above points with my counselor today. Since the beginning she has always been the one to encourage me to give my husband a chance, even when we were getting to know each other in the early stages. However, she has been a bit disappointed in the last several months as she admits he does seem to act immature from time to time. She doesn't think he's a bad guy as she understands the cultural issues better (having been through some of these issues with her own husband. She did not have to deal with the immigration issues with her husband, however, as he was already here when she married him.) She does think, however, that my husband is being manipulative with me, and that I need to put my foot down with him and be firm about what I will agree to or not. She hopes that he is just being unrealistic right now and that once he comes here and sees how much things really cost, then he will realize that we just don't have the money as he doesn't realize right now how much the cost of living in the US is different than the cost of living in India.
When she and her husband initially married (about 15 years ago) he used to send monthly amounts back home. His family even used to expect the money. However, after they had their daughter, it was just not possible, and now they only send money to his family if there are emergencies, or if they happen to have the extra money available... but they do not send money if there isn't extra. She told me that she and her husband have some married couple friends (of Indian background) who are both working professionals, and they typically send about $250-500 per month to their families at home. HOWEVER, these couples are earning about $300,000-500,000 per year as a family and have enough to send their kids to private schools. She thinks its very impractical for us to even think about this at this stage of our lives. Currently my parents help me out often with money and gifts (I hardly ask for them for it, but they know I'm drowning in loans and give me this willingly). But once my husband is living with me as a married couple, she says it would improper to accept any such handouts from them. So it would be indecent for us to take money from my folks (who are working incredibly hard to make money) while at the same time giving money to his parents (who aren't working outside the home). She thinks my husband is being financially irresponsible with asking for a car, etc, when I have so much in loans and that he needs to think of what is best for OUR future as a couple. She also says I should not be manipulated when my husband makes those pouty comments about all the sacrifices he's making to come here, and how that means we need to share his parents for half the time and share half their cost with his brother. She says that my husband made the choice to marry an American girl with his eyes wide open; he knew their would be sacrifices to coming to live in the US, and that if he wasn't willing to make those sacrifices then he should have married an Indian girl from India instead. Furthermore, all the comments about his parents not having enough eat without our money is manipulative, as his dad and brother would be able to make ends meet if the need arises (people are able to act differently when in a state of necessity). If they were going to be homeless and didn't have us to depend on, it's obvious the dad would get a job instead of not working.
After talking with her, there are a few things I've thought that I want to put my foot down on, though I think my husband will be very peeved about this.
1. I'm not okay with giving money to my husband's parents, unless my husband's father chooses to work outside the home. He's only in his mid-50s. I won't ask his mom to work as she's always been a housewife (despite having a master's degree). But his dad and brother should be able to make ends meet (with us helping out in emergencies only, or giving them a monthly stipend ONLY when we are fully able to have enough for our own expenses and savings. But there will be months when us sending them money is not a possibility as we will have our own kids to raise, and will other expenses, so they have to use the money wisely and budget their own money well so that they can make ends meet even without our contribution.) Giving money to his parents should NOT be at the costs of us not being able to save for the future, or having to ask MY parents to bail us out financially, or me having to request additional higher-interest loans to manage the expenses. That's just not okay. I realize that his dad is an unskilled laborer who doesn't make much but someday if I have anything to give, I'd give it far more willingly if I knew they were at least trying to help themselves. I don't care if his dad works in a clothing shop or at a restaurant if that's what he is able to do. But I would mind giving money to someone who is only mid-50s and can work but chooses not to. My husband has not been transparent or forthcoming with me about what his dad's plans are about working again or not, and I find my husband's silence (and changing the topic) to be rather disturbing.
2. I'm not okay with this concept of equality between me and his parents. Yes, his parents raised him, and most likely he loves them more than he loves me. But if he still isn't willing to put me and our marriage at the top of his priority list, then there really isn't any marriage.
There is a good chance that setting such boundaries with him will come at the cost of our marriage. I am sad, and I'm scared about putting my foot down with him, as I genuinely care about him and want to stay married. But I realize that a life of manipulation is no life either... and unless my husband is willing to grow up and put our marriage first, then there really isn't anything between us to try to save.

My husband called me this evening. I was not very open to chatting, and kept the call very short. I had no desire to talk to him as I needed time apart. So I told him I was hurt and not interested in talking right then and I got off the phone. He was a bit stung and called me back a few minutes later. I was very hardened at first, but we ended up talking. He'd talk to me for 20 minutes, then he had to go teach a student, then he'd call me back again as soon as the person left. So we've talked over an hour at this point. Not everything has been discussed yet, but I've shared several points with him. He is still defending himself instead of listening to me as he feels I've misunderstood most of it (though I disagree). He says:
1a. He felt offended when I asked him if he married me to give his parents a better life, as that's not the case. He married for love. He said that if he married for money then he wouldn't have come to the US as the Indian economy is growing much faster than the US economy and he had no reason to jump into a 'sinking ship'. He also said that his business is flourishing and he is making much more money nowdays. If it wasn't for love, why would he come to the US and leave his family to start afresh into a wide unknown in a country facing a recession, where he might have to look for a job for months? He also discussed how his degrees wouldn't transfer and he have to go back to school here. In his mind, these 3 reasons solidify that he is only coming for his love for me and nothing more.
1b. Furthermore, he says that he didn't get involved with me for monetary reasons as his dad was still working when we started communicating. Thus he wasn't fully expecting his dad to stop working and that he (my husband) would have to be the primary breadwinner.
2. He says he never cried because he wanted dowry from me, but rather because he felt hurt by one particular friend's words, as that friend was using vulgar language about my husband not getting dowry from us. He said he didn't even talk to that friend for 2 weeks afterwards, though they've recently started chatting again.
3. He says that he was not expecting me to send him money for the car, as he was willing to save up for it himself. He was just hoping that if I was willing to give him $470 then he could put that towards the car and just pay the visa fee himself 6 months later when it would be due.
4. He says that he wants to send at least 3-5% of his income to his family once he comes here (this was just some number he threw out, as he hadn't specifically thought about how much it would be). He says that he wouldn't use my loans to pay his family's expenses, but it would only be after he gets a job himself. He says it's not fair to expect his brother to pay all of his parents' expenses as he needs to do his share as well. He isn't planning to give his family a super high amount of money, nor even as much as he is currently making in his business (now about 30k rupees per month, which is double what he was earning a few months ago). He simply wants to give them slightly more than subsistence level.... maybe something like 15,000 rupees a month or so (which is $300, although this was another number just thrown out on the spot and not specifically discussed or contemplated).
5. As far as loans go, he said it is not my loans but OUR loans. He fully plans to help me pay back the loans but he doesn't understand why he should have to pay 40%. He doesn't understand why we can't put 30% of our income towards loans or so per month. He says even if we have to pay more interest this way to him, it is more important to him to know that his family has food on the table and are not going hungry.
6. I asked him why his family would go hungry when they had fully capable members of the family to work. At first he was saying that his brother doesn't make much and he didn't know what to do about that as he couldn't force his brother to work more when his brother was already working (his brother makes something like 9,000 rupees per month). He says that his dad is uneducated and even if his dad finds a job that he'd hardly get paid anything much (no more than 4,000 per month). I told him that we need to help enable them to be more self-sufficient rather than expecting money from us. He was offended by my comment about his dad not working, as he pointed out. After we talked further about this, he decided that he would attempt to help train his brother so that his brother could take on a greater portion of my husband's current work (which has far more financial potential) after he leaves. He didn't know if his brother would be able to do this, but he'd encourage the brother to do so to increase the family income.
7. My husband didn't get the point about not comparing our lifestyles. He was still saying that if I allow my dad to buy me gifts then he should also be allowed to send his family money.
Anyway, all this is making my head hurt. I don't know if I'm being manipulated or even what to think right now as my head was spinning. We still have lots of points to discuss and I can post more of that later. I'm not going to call him as I'm busy studying for exams, and he can call if he wants to talk further.

Thanks for the counter-perspective. There are many good points here. You are right that it is a sacrifice again for my husband. When he was younger, he studied accounting in college, and he really liked it. But after going to law and business school in India, he realized he liked that even more. In many ways, coming here is an act of love for me, as his degrees don't transfer here. The only coursework that can transfer is his accounting courses. So he can take a CPA exam without additional coursework here and work as an accountant without needing to go through further education here (since his law and business degrees aren't recognized here). Another issue is that right now there is a surplus of lawyers in the US who aren't finding jobs. While lawyers can get paid a lot more than accountants overall ($110k average for lawyers vs $60k for accountants), the difference is that there are many more job openings currently in accounting vs law. Once I graduate from medical school I won't know where I will have to relocate for my 4 year training period (in which I will only make about $40k, not at all a full doctor's salary.) So ultimately it forces my husband to just have to put his preferences aside and just work as an accountant until I can finish my training (by 2018) and start work as a full-fledged doctor back in my home city. If he wanted to start law school earlier than that he could, but it might require us living apart for a few years - which would also complicate things if we have a child together. Yes all this sucks for him, but I don't know what other options there are (though I'm totally open as I do care for his happiness, contrary to what you might think).
As far as your idea of me paying the $2,500/month out of my own salary, I'm not sure it would work. Here's why: When I graduate from med school in 2014, I will be making about $40k per year on my resident physician's salary (the training would be about 3-4 years, making this much per year before I could make a better income). Let's say my husband has his $60k per year accountant job. Within 6 months of graduation, I have to start paying off that $200k of debt at about 7% interest. Even if I put my entire salary into my loans and lived off of my husband's income, it still wouldn't full be enough. After taxes are cut from my salary, I'd barely be covering the interest gained on my loans with very limited cuts into the premium... which would not make the minimum requirements by the government. There are provisions for many doctors to pay back loans based on their limited early salary (although the interest dollars would continue to skyrocket at their current rate), but I don't know if I'd quality for this as the government would consider our married income ($40k + $60k) rather than my income alone ($40k) when determining the minimum of what I have to repay in loans.

Thank you BrittandDan for your very thoughtful reply. Yes, you have hit some key points. Right now my husband is making the majority of his family's income. His dad was working until November (living in a different city), but came to live with them again in November during our wedding time. After that his mom had her major illness, and my husband's father continued to live with them at home. He hasn't worked since outside the house, but he does the cooking at home. So that is one income lost. When I see my own father being able to work 16+ hours a day (most days of the week) being in his mid-60s, I wonder why my husband's dad can't earn even a little bit of income when he is 10 years younger than my own dad. (I don't say this to my husband, as that would be offensive, but I admit that I think this in my own mind). My husband is not only earning most of the income, but he's also working from home and doing the most work managing his mom's medications and making her special diet. So when his brother isn't doing any of that and still doesn't make that much, I feel they haven't stepped up to their responsibilities.
I know that my husband would feel guilty about not sending his family money. He is also the older son which places extra responsibility on him (though his brother is only 1 year younger). I don't want him to feel guilty. If my husband wanted to send them $100-150 a month as part of his discretionary income, that would be fine with me - especially if he was helping out with our other expenses. But it's his attitude of putting me second that bothers me. If he is acting like paying them is more important than paying our bills or us having a family of our own - I take that personally.
As far as your suggestion of asking my husband to set a budget of what he thinks he might spend, I'll ask him again to do this. Thus far, he has been unwilling to do so, by simply stating that he will deal with it after he arrives. Then when I pushed him, he said that if he is the one earning (until the time I earn) then he is entitled to at least spend 50% of his money the way he wants and I can spend the other 50% of his money the way I want. My fear is that my 50% of the money would be going to our household expenses (and still not having enough to pay our bills) while most of his 50% of the money would be going to his parents and brother at home. He wasn't really willing to discuss his intentions openly, which bothered me.
I agree that my husband is making major sacrifices for me. I expect him to be extremely lonely and homesick once he gets here (as he has always lived in a big family environment with his parents and brother... and his uncle and grandparents and cousins living 2 houses down). I am really worried about this. I don't think he realizes at all what he's getting into, but I am scared that if we are having issues now then we'll be even in a worse place when he gets here and goes through the shock of homesickness.

I can understand. You love your husband, and I deeply love my husband as well. But I feel it is high time for our husbands to step up and be responsible for their wives, and be MEN rather than small boys. I understand that Indian/Pakistani culture places a lot of emphasis on a sense of duty and responsibility for one's parents. Even I have some responsibility towards my parents, as I want to help them someday if they are unable to help themselves. But I don't agree with feeling obliged to send money for unnecessary expenditures, especially when I'm in a financial hole myself. I want to see my husband have more concern about OUR life together, rather than just thinking what he will send back home. Even though my husband acknowledges that my parents paid for our wedding and accepted him as their son, he still gets depressed and cries when his friends make fun of him for not getting any dowry out of my family (as I was strongly against dowry). I don't like this entitlement at all. I care for my husband's happiness and will try to help him in any way I can after he gets here, but I need him to start by showing me that he can put me first.
You are having surgery, and your husband needs to step up to plate. If he can't put his parents aside for some time to do that, I don't think he is worthy of being your husband. I may be blunt, but that's how I strongly feel. This honeymoon period will end, and you will soon start resenting him and losing respect for him if he doesn't put you as first in his life. His income also should share your (yours and his) family's expenses not just go back home to his parents.

I am going through the I-130 process right now. I married my husband overseas, and we got the prenuptial agreement done. We contacted the lawyer some weeks before I left for the wedding in India, and he put together the packet. That packet with my signatures was scanned and the lawyer emailed them to my husband (then fiance). He printed them out, signed them, and scanned and emailed them back. I believe 1-2 of the pages had to be notarized also. He also gave me a hardcopy of them when we had come in for the wedding.
Some of you may think a prenuptial is unromantic, etc. I am fortunate that I have such an understanding husband. I didn't do the prenuptial for myself, as I don't consider myself to have much of anything. However, my name is on some of my parents' accounts, so for their safety the prenuptial was done, as I wouldn't want the outcome of my marriage to (potentially) have effects on my parents' losing their retirement savings. (Although I could have attempted to remove my name from the accounts, it would have made the process much more complicated, which is why we didn't go that route). My husband and I are committed to one another, and he even told me that although he signed the prenuptial documents, he believes that we will never need to utilize them. He just did it for my family's contentment.
Just to mention though: my husband did waive his right to his own attorney when we were putting together the packet. He could have hired a lawyer in the US (which would be very costly) or potentially gotten one in India (though I don't know how that would work as that lawyer wouldn't be there to defend him if there were marital problems in the US). My husband himself is a lawyer and believes in the strength of our relationship, which is why he waived the lawyer. But in many cases this is not a good thing. In my case, the lawyer had put some very unfair terms in the agreement (which would have benefitted me in the case of divorce but might have put my husband in a very bad situation). Luckily I realized this in proper time, and I got really upset with the lawyer and made him change the terms to something much more fair for both of us.... so in essence, I was the one representing my husband, as I did not want anything bad for him in the terms. So I would recommend that if you get a lawyer to write up a prenuptial agreement, make sure you actually read those 30 odd pages or so.

Hi guys, I have a few questions. My husband does not think he has a birth certificate. I have read online that people who don't have a birth certificate should go to the appropriate governing authority. But who is this 'appropriate governing authority'? What is the name of their office that my husband would need to go to to get an affidavit that he doesn't have a birth certificate? He lives in the state of Uttar Pradesh, if that matters.
Also, my husband has always used an incorrect birthday as that was what he was assigned in school. For example, if he was born in Jan 1985, but his school records have his birthday listed as Dec 1984. (This might sound weird to some of you, but I guess it does happen sometimes... as the same thing happened to my dad, as he has a different legal birthday and real birthday, probably due to not having a real birth certificate and the schools or whoever just making up a date.) So far we've been using my husband's Dec birthday as that is what is in his passport. However, if we have to obtain him a birth certificate, with his dad as one of the people making the affidavit, should his dad affirm that he was born in Jan '85, or on the legal/passport date of Dec' 84? I would prefer him to be able to use his real birthday, but if we use a date different than on the passport, that might just create confusion. Not sure what to do about this.

Ok, so play Devil's Advocate then. Let's say your husband (giving him the benefit of doubt) really is someone who loves you but can't show feelings. I ask you... can you live the rest of your life like that?? Can you live with a man who doesn't make the effort to do nice things for you, give you intimacy, or show that he cares?
The way I feel, is that if he loves you, at least he would TRY to see what you need from the relationship and adapt himself to some degree. If he isn't evening willing to try to fix the issue, then it's hard for me to think that love exists. Differences are to be expected, but if love exists, then at least both people want to bridge that gap if they can. Even if he's the shy type, then he will at least try to show some affection and pull himself out of his comfort zone if he realizes that it's what you need to make the relationship work.

This is a total utmost BS of a official trying to make some under the table money, nothing else.
Even with the court order, your Id and USC proof, official is not registering the marriage... This is a total...
If I were you, I will ....never mind... don't listen to me...
Can you do what "seema45" is telling? Talking to Embassy about it and getting that certificate.
Good luck both of you.

Thanks Darnell. I agree. This is the heart of my current contention with him. Like I've said before, he's extremely sweet and nice to me. But his lack of follow-through is a tremendous red flag. I have decided that I won't hold his hand through this visa process by doing all the work for him. I'll step back and let him take care of doing all the work to get his own documents together, while I do nothing but reflect on the situation.

I'll answer your question. This is my personal experience.
My husband had to make several 8 hour bus rides back and forth to the capital which took days, to get paperwork over and over again. I sent him money once for his birthday and once at the end of the school year. When he moved in with his parents I didn't send him any cash but I did send him what we will call 'money-making opportunities'. My husband then used the money he earned to buy me plane tickets and paid for everything while I visited. (I did pay for all of the immigration expenses though)
I went with him to the interview in the embassy, I told him I was fully prepared to purchase his one way ticket the day of the interview so he could fly home with me. He said, much to my dismay, that because his mother was ill he might not be able to leave that same week. I told him it was up to him when he wanted to leave Honduras, but I wanted him to come with me. After we walked out of the interview with an approval he looked at me and said, can we buy my ticket now!?!
Family first, but I am his family now!
Good luck with everything, you know your options and it sounds like you know your outcomes.

Well Rkk1, my "but he's acting like a lot of Indian guys I know, it could get better" view is shifting with this latest development.
Personally, I've seen a handful of desi guys get on board after an adjustment period [which I, the arm-chair social scientist, feel is based on cultural peer pressure in the US]. But, it appears your husband is so entrenched in his textbook Indian son lifestyle that he isn't seeing the tree for the forest [or the forest for the trees - I always get that one mixed up]. He is firmly in the throws of the good little beta black hole. The funny thing is, longer term, shifting to the US and having a respectable and loving relationship with you will probably pan out better [with respect to general happiness and finances] than what he thinks is working at home. Given his propensity to be argumentative to win the point and feel superior, common sense [which you appear to have a great grasp of] doesn't matter to him. He is very in-the-moment centric. [Again, I think this is a symptom of Indian-guy thinking - based in culture, past experiences, etc - my now US-based husband still thinks retirement planning is all bunk because we could die at any time. Questioning this leads to a list of cousins, friends, family, neighbors and a litany of accidents, illnesses, and other bizarre circumstances that lead to untimely deaths. Granted, it took time, but we know have a retirement plan in progress.]
Think hard and keep talking to your family. Also, at one point you mentioned having a therapist - I know many med schools have great supplemental/auxiliary programs on campus for life-issues. Utilize them! Take some deep breaths, start [or keep writing] a journal. Since he's dragging his feet, it gives you time to come to a decision that works for you. If that decision leads to ending the marriage, then so be it - get the support you need to make it as quick and painless as possible.

I think you're confusing the OP with AugHem.

I can understand. You love your husband, and I deeply love my husband as well. But I feel it is high time for our husbands to step up and be responsible for their wives, and be MEN rather than small boys. I understand that Indian/Pakistani culture places a lot of emphasis on a sense of duty and responsibility for one's parents. Even I have some responsibility towards my parents, as I want to help them someday if they are unable to help themselves. But I don't agree with feeling obliged to send money for unnecessary expenditures, especially when I'm in a financial hole myself. I want to see my husband have more concern about OUR life together, rather than just thinking what he will send back home. Even though my husband acknowledges that my parents paid for our wedding and accepted him as their son, he still gets depressed and cries when his friends make fun of him for not getting any dowry out of my family (as I was strongly against dowry). I don't like this entitlement at all. I care for my husband's happiness and will try to help him in any way I can after he gets here, but I need him to start by showing me that he can put me first.
You are having surgery, and your husband needs to step up to plate. If he can't put his parents aside for some time to do that, I don't think he is worthy of being your husband. I may be blunt, but that's how I strongly feel. This honeymoon period will end, and you will soon start resenting him and losing respect for him if he doesn't put you as first in his life. His income also should share your (yours and his) family's expenses not just go back home to his parents.

She's Indian-American. I doubt she needs to study her own culture. There are different kinds of people in all cultures. My brother is different culturally to my dad, or his friends, or my exes, or my friend brothers... it happens :S it's not a "everyone is the same in each country" kind of thing.

OP - I keep reading your posts for a while and very honestly can't believe you haven't file for divorce long time ago. Sorry - that's how I see it. Find husband that truly cares about you - from your posts I can tell you're truly worth it.

Not exactly reading stories about fraud. I think it would help more to be informed about red flags rather than being forced to read about fraudelent marriages or what've happened to some after entering the US. Some of the factors you mentioned couldn't have been seen before even moving to the US. OP, I'm sorry that you ended up in such a situation but even if you would've been warned however it'll take more than 10 wild horses to destroy what you at that point thought was mutual.
'They all'? USCIS can't see if the US citizen has an agenda by keeping a girl as a slave either when it doesn't show up it a background check. There are 2 sides to immigration, don't forget that.

Then why not just go home and be thankful that you are free of such a jerk, and can start your life over with someone better? Why try to fight to stay here if you no longer have a future with him?

Then why not just go home and be thankful that you are free of such a jerk, and can start your life over with someone better? Why try to fight to stay here if you no longer have a future with him?

What you talking about?
OP got married and she decided to move where her spouse is....unfortunately prof like docs, lawyers cannot move easily coz each country has diff standards, rules and regulations.
Its not like IT prof or Engg for whom all the standards are pretty much common.
There is no reason to critize the OP, if sameone with same age in IT was moving you would not have made this comment.

Admittance to the legal profession varies from state to state. Acceptance of applications by foreign lawyers or those with foreign law degrees to sit the state bar exam depends on the rules set by the relevant state regulator.
Some state bars may require the applicant to take further courses in US law at an ABA approved law school, or some may take into account time spent in practice in the home jurisdiction.
Your profile indicates you live in Louisiana?
So a good place to ask this question would be the Louisiana State Bar Association - http://www.lsba.org/
This is also a good place to check the differences between states for requirements - http://www.ncbex.org/assets/media_files/Comp-Guide/CompGuide.pdf

Hi there,
I am in a similar position myself and have done some research on this issue over the past few years and here's what I have found out:
Every State in America has individual rules on who is permitted to take their Bar exam to be able to practice law. If you have a law degree from an American law school (a "JD"), which usually takes 3 years full time then you are able to sit the Bar exam in any State.
There are only two States that have more flexible rules for those who have international law degrees and that is New York and California. To take the New York Bar the criteria is that you must have a law degree whether it be from either America or your foreign country. To find out if the law degree from your home country is acceptable then you must send your transcripts to the New York State Bar Association for them to be assessed. I have a UK law degree and I have been through this process and have received formal notice from New York that I am eligible to take their Bar exam.
For California you must also be a practising lawyer/attorney in your relevant country as well as providing proof of your foreign law degree.
For all other States the rules are more strict. Many States have reciprocal agreements with each other. For examples, if you have been practising in one State for X amount of years then you are eligible to take the Bar in another State. If you wish to practice in a State other than New York or California, then one way to transfer is to practice in either of those States for a certain amount of years and then transfer. However I would suggest that you check the criteria for the particular State where your partner will be moving to so that you can be sure of what the relevant criteria is. You can do this online. I would google "State Bar exam rules" or something like that as I can't remember the precise website I found.
One further thing to add. I have heard of examples of ways around the rules. For example, the Southern States tend to have the more strict rules about foreign attorneys and even if you have practised in another country or state they don't tend to let you in easily. I have, however, heard of cases where a person has approached Universities in these areas and have been able to negotiate with the Law School to only complete a limited number of credits to receive an America Law Degree and thus overcome the cost and 3-year time period which make repeating law school impossible. I know of people who have done this with the University of Arkansas, and Washburn University in Kansas and they were only required to complete 1 year or 18 months I believe. I also know of cases where someone has worked in the legal field as a paralegal/investigator for quite a few years in Nashville, Tennesse and was granted permission to take their Bar exam without an American Law degree. A few years ago I spoke with a Canadian immigration lawyer on this issue and he advised that if you apply to take a Bar exam and you don't fit the criteria because you only have a foreign law degree then you will automatically be refused. But, if you then appeal the decision and present all of your evidence of foreign qualification and practice then you are much more likely to succeed in an application to take the Bar exam during the appeal process. I have not tried this myself so can't speak from experience, but just wanted to pass on what I had been told by someone who did succeed that way. He is now practising in Arizona which I understand has very strict rules on foreign attorneys practising there.
One more thing - once you have been granted permission to take the Bar exam, then preparing for the exam itself and passing are another matter and no easy task at all, even for an experienced attorney. You must understand the State law of the exam you are taking as well as Federal law. You can take a preparation course called the "Bar Bri" in every State but this would be very challenging for someone with no prior knowledge of American law and/or where there is a language barrier. There is loads of information about the exams and the preparation courses online you can check out.
Hope that helps.

If my husband had changed after I immigrated to US, I'd leave him and go back to my home country. The purpose of the petition is to be re-united with family. I just find it hard to believe that immigrants are willing to stay over here at all cost after being subjected to abuse shortly after arriving in US claiming the marriage wasn't entered for immigration purposes.

Do realize that I usually post here when I'm frustrated, not when things are going well. 95% of the time, he and I are happy... it is just 5% of the time, I have some major issues with him. Still you are right that these issues have been enough to where I have thought about divorce, even very recently. I still cannot say with any certainty that our marriage will work out, due to our different ideologies on important issues. He does not want to come to the US as he's been dragging his feet on taking care of visa paperwork, yet he is still proceeding forwards for me. He says he wants our marriage to work. I think calling the relationship a "huge disaster" may be premature, as couples usually have a lot of adjustment issues their first year or so, as we definitely do. We made the mistake of marrying too fast, and now we are trying to work out our differences. Although things may end up not working, I still think my marriage deserves some effort right now... so I can at least know I tried everything I could. My husband is really not a bad guy at all, he has a lot of great qualities which I love about him and would be hard-pressed to find in another person, but our ways of thinking is just vastly different.