1 Year Later

[MrsBruce5 0]

Hi,

Last Thursday, Mr. B was in the US for 1 year. We had at least 200 arguments, 1 suitcase packing, a million and one tears, a visit back home, and resolution...

We are happy, but the adaptation was a bit like evolution. The first few weeks were like a dream, and then reality set in.

He had to find work, get a driver's license, and learn to live with a wife, a step-son, and 4 dysfunctional dogs. It was stressful for me, as I had to support us financially, and basically walk him through virtually everything. My husband led a very pampered life in Britain and relied on his parents for many things that I feel, at his age-he should have learned how to do by himself. Now, he was relying on me. I resented this, and his parents for not allowing him to "be a man"...

Then there were communication issues...although we spoke the same language, it seemed that there were so many miscommunications, and everything I said would upset him...I don't mince words. I tell it like I see it-and although this was a trait that my husband loved about me BEFORE we lived together-now, it was an issue.

The first 2 months were HARDER than being apart.

On a good note, no problems with his green card and he was lucky enough to find a GREAT job in his field within 6 weeks, and he already had a car that I bought him WAY before he arrived. Things were taking shape...

Then, only after 8 weeks, his parents came over to visit, and it seemed that whatever work we accomplished, seemed to be over shadowed by his missing them after they left NY. He would cry, and since I really don't have a great relationship with my mom, and my dad is passed-I could not understand a 30 year old man crying that he missed his mum & dad. He spent all day on Christmas crying and it was THE WORST holiday I ever had. In all honesty, I felt insulted by this. I felt that he should have been happy to be with me after being apart for so long. I cooked my a** off, making food from both my Italian traditions, and his country. I worked so hard, and felt so unappreciated.

I felt over whelming guilt for taking him away from "home" and had such a hard time even speaking to his parents in those months.

We had our ebbs & flows through the winter. He became more responsible and I felt less pressure. Although we still had many miscommunications, things seemed to be calmer sometimes. I tried to understand how he felt and my compassion took over. We were due to visit his parents in April, but I felt that his 1st trip back should be done alone. I bought him a ticket for April to visit for one week. I missed him terribly, but would not phone while he was over, because I felt he needed to just be who he was, and appreciate his time with his friends and family. I spent the week with my son, and we enjoyed our time. It was like "the old days", my 9 yr old son said... LOL My son loved being alone with me, but started getting grumpy after about 4 days...He missed his step-dad.

One of the days while he was away, he was at a football game with his dad-his mum phoned and we talked about things-how guilty I felt, and how much she misses him, but sees just how happy he is, and we realized that we are alot alike.

Upon my husband's return to NY, he was different-in a good way. He missed me, our son, our wacko dogs and life in NY. he realized that he owned his life here, and that it was his. After this trip-it was as if he'd grown up and it seemed that his parents stepped back after seeing the changes in him.

I was different too-I missed him, and how he makes me and our son laugh everyday. I missed his snoring, and his drooling on the pillows. I missed the way he plays with our dogs, and I missed his smile.

I realized that anything that is worth doing takes hard work. I patched up things with my mom that week as well. I think I grew up too.

Our son was back in a good mood again and so happy that his step-dad was home with us.

Life changed that week in this house...

It seems as if we finally understand each other after one year. We accept each other's imperfections more and actively work together in creating our life.

We are different people, from different places, and sometimes we need to take a step back and remember this fact and appreciate the differences. It takes empathy. patience and a great amount of love.

It has been SOME year. Like a roller coaster that has finally stopped. We're still dizzy from the ride...but we have learned a great deal about ourselves.

After all this, he is still the only star I can see in the night sky.

To anyone going through the 1st year...It's ceratinly a b*tch. Work together, talk about everything no matter how much it is uncomfortable, and NEVER EVER forget your love, loyalty, and friendship to each other.

Rose

[essjay 0]

Wow, what a really great post. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences during the first year, and I am really happy for you guys that everything is looking up.

Very best of luck for your future life....

[*JG* 2]

I could not agree with you more. Andre's been here a little over a year now and we experienced the exact same things. It's not all sunshine and rainbows; but I feel it's all been worth it.

Once he could finally work and then found a job, things just got better and better. We are in a pretty smooth sailing pattern right now. It's all good.

[caybee 21]

What an honest, uplifting story. Thank you for sharing this.

[essjay 0]

I just wanted to add to Jomo's girl that you have a really beautiful wedding photo. You look so happy together. Wishing you both the very best...

[Mrs.J06 4]

Great post, and so true!

[MrsBruce5 0]

Thanks...glad you like the post. Good to see many people have had similar experiences as well...

Sorry for all the typo's on the original post!!!

[gabby4ever 1]

[Jasman0717 9]

Pretty cool post, thanks for sharing! Maybe I will have to get Claudeth to write her perspective of her last two years here or maybe not

[Jashley820 0]

Thanks so much for sharing that!

[jezz85 0]

Thank you for sharing your experiences

[Ta Ta 1]

And how does he like the massages ? I remember you are a Massage Therapist like me ...........lol

Good post. Thanks for reminding us that the adjustment can be rough.

[almaty 19]

Hi,

Last Thursday, Mr. B was in the US for 1 year. We had at least 200 arguments, 1 suitcase packing, a million and one tears, a visit back home, and resolution...

We are happy, but the adaptation was a bit like evolution. The first few weeks were like a dream, and then reality set in.

He had to find work, get a driver's license, and learn to live with a wife, a step-son, and 4 dysfunctional dogs. It was stressful for me, as I had to support us financially, and basically walk him through virtually everything. My husband led a very pampered life in Britain and relied on his parents for many things that I feel, at his age-he should have learned how to do by himself. Now, he was relying on me. I resented this, and his parents for not allowing him to "be a man"...

Then there were communication issues...although we spoke the same language, it seemed that there were so many miscommunications, and everything I said would upset him...I don't mince words. I tell it like I see it-and although this was a trait that my husband loved about me BEFORE we lived together-now, it was an issue.

The first 2 months were HARDER than being apart.

On a good note, no problems with his green card and he was lucky enough to find a GREAT job in his field within 6 weeks, and he already had a car that I bought him WAY before he arrived. Things were taking shape...

Then, only after 8 weeks, his parents came over to visit, and it seemed that whatever work we accomplished, seemed to be over shadowed by his missing them after they left NY. He would cry, and since I really don't have a great relationship with my mom, and my dad is passed-I could not understand a 30 year old man crying that he missed his mum & dad. He spent all day on Christmas crying and it was THE WORST holiday I ever had. In all honesty, I felt insulted by this. I felt that he should have been happy to be with me after being apart for so long. I cooked my a** off, making food from both my Italian traditions, and his country. I worked so hard, and felt so unappreciated.

I felt over whelming guilt for taking him away from "home" and had such a hard time even speaking to his parents in those months.

We had our ebbs & flows through the winter. He became more responsible and I felt less pressure. Although we still had many miscommunications, things seemed to be calmer sometimes. I tried to understand how he felt and my compassion took over. We were due to visit his parents in April, but I felt that his 1st trip back should be done alone. I bought him a ticket for April to visit for one week. I missed him terribly, but would not phone while he was over, because I felt he needed to just be who he was, and appreciate his time with his friends and family. I spent the week with my son, and we enjoyed our time. It was like "the old days", my 9 yr old son said... LOL My son loved being alone with me, but started getting grumpy after about 4 days...He missed his step-dad.

One of the days while he was away, he was at a football game with his dad-his mum phoned and we talked about things-how guilty I felt, and how much she misses him, but sees just how happy he is, and we realized that we are alot alike.

Upon my husband's return to NY, he was different-in a good way. He missed me, our son, our wacko dogs and life in NY. he realized that he owned his life here, and that it was his. After this trip-it was as if he'd grown up and it seemed that his parents stepped back after seeing the changes in him.

I was different too-I missed him, and how he makes me and our son laugh everyday. I missed his snoring, and his drooling on the pillows. I missed the way he plays with our dogs, and I missed his smile.

I realized that anything that is worth doing takes hard work. I patched up things with my mom that week as well. I think I grew up too.

Our son was back in a good mood again and so happy that his step-dad was home with us.

Life changed that week in this house...

It seems as if we finally understand each other after one year. We accept each other's imperfections more and actively work together in creating our life.

We are different people, from different places, and sometimes we need to take a step back and remember this fact and appreciate the differences. It takes empathy. patience and a great amount of love.

It has been SOME year. Like a roller coaster that has finally stopped. We're still dizzy from the ride...but we have learned a great deal about ourselves.

After all this, he is still the only star I can see in the night sky.

To anyone going through the 1st year...It's ceratinly a b*tch. Work together, talk about everything no matter how much it is uncomfortable, and NEVER EVER forget your love, loyalty, and friendship to each other.

Rose

excellent post and insight sister rose..i salute you

[Emancipation 2]

Wonderful real post.. thank you for posting it.. We're at 6months.. it will be interesting to see what the next 6 will bring

[GabachaYucateca 0]

Thank you, MrsBruce!

I especially liked how your son became grumpy because he missed his step-dad!