Done and Over

[Chrystal and Joe 0]

Hello all,

I have some very sad news. After continuously hard times between myself and Joe we have decided to end our petition. We finally received our NOA2 in January and I just had to do my part here in Canada and Joe decided that we are not going to follow through with it.

He doesn't see himself getting married anytime in the near future and so he just wanted to end it. He was unsure, unsure and I really wanted to work it out and give it our best try and drag the process out as long as we could and then if things didn't work out we could decide not to marry then but he just wanted to end it all now.

He blames that on me because I kept pressuring him but I couldn't keep sitting around waiting for the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with tell me if he wanted to spend his with me. So I pressured him, telling him that he can't keep putting my life on hold, while I'm waiting around for him to decided if he loved me enough...I was starting to get angry and very hurt. So in the end he couldn't take the pressure any more and told me its done...we are not getting married.

This all happened over a month ago now but its just been way too painful for me to share my story yet. And it still is painful. I still cry for him...he is the love of my life and I miss him dearly.

For those of you who don't recognize my story, Joe and I orginally started the process way back last year...I received my first NOA in May. We were expecting a reply by latest mid September but it never came. There was a delay on our case and as time went by the distant and some other issues starting affecting our relationship and trouble started in October of last year. It accelerated because its so difficult to deal with problems long distance...you just don't get to see or touch the other person or feel their pain the same. So after a couple of visits and arguing and discussions we decided that I would go down there and stay a while with him...no time...just see how things were going. So we went and spent time with his family over Christmas, went skiiing, had some great fun...we always had great fun. Our good times were really good but our bad times were becoming really bad. We had tested each other to all points and now everytime an argument happened we were testing each other with the threat of it being over. So we had the first big fight when I was down there and I almost left...but we decided to work through it. Then the second came and I was done with begging so I left for home and I thought that would be the last of ever seeing him ( and it may be) but he called me appologizing while I was driving home. He didn't want to ever picture his life without me. That we would work it out. So when I got home I thought that was the plan but he started to back off again and so thats when I started pressuring. Lets also make note that 2 days after I got home I received my NOA2 which should have been a happy event but it was sad. So it dragged on for a little over a month after that and then it was decided we would end it.

And that brings me to now. I've only talked to him about 3 times in 6 weeks. Its killing me... I miss him so much and I haven't seen him for almost 3 months...thats the longest yet. God I miss him! I'm trying to give him his space as much as possible. There are a lot of things he did that were mean and they make me angry to think about them but my underlying love for him prevails and I could forgive it all.

I like to think that there could be a possibility for us to be together again in the future but then I think the the reality of it is not probable...maybe if we lived in the same country. Sucks to have our situations!

So I need to get away...I've very restless. Everthing reminds me of him and how much I love him and miss him. I've applied for cruise ship jobs. I'll be gone for long periods of time. But maybe time will help. Does anyone have any advice...should I be hopeful for the future. He says that he still wants to be good friends. Can we develop that again or should I just give up on it all.

If we were to get back together...how would the process be? Would they question us more for petitioning a second time or would it be a quicker process?

Thanks for listening...or reading in this case. I miss him so much.

Take care all, and good luck with all of your petitions.

[Fandango 1,439]

Chrystal, I'm so sorry to hear this hard news....As far as the visa-questions, I'm afraid I'm so new to this that I have no clue what the answer may be....

I hope this will work out for the best, whatever path that may be...

[blackbettie 0]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Feel hugged. {{{{hugs}}}

[munchkins 0]

SO so sorry Chrystal, I too am unable to give you any advice on the immigration side but only wanted to let you know that there are people who care about your situation.

I only hope that whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, it will be the right choice for you, I know it is so hard for you right now and it is easy to say it will get better, I truly hope it does for you

******HUGS******

[Chrystal and Joe 0]

Thanks for all the kind words...it is hard right now. Some days are better then others. Its hard to keep my head up sometimes but I've gotta believe that things happen for a reason. My problem is that I'm a planner by nature and so I'm always trying to picture my future and how I can have it with Joe in it. I need to learn to live in the moment a little more. But I am like with a lot of things, bills, life in general...it just so happens that I want him to be apart of my life...my future.

[Fischkoepfin 1]

Chrystal, sorry to hear that and I hope you two find a way to mend your relationship.

To answer your question, I think you'd have to start over with the visa process. But, you could of course decide to get married spontaneously and file for a different visa (K3 or CR-1). Or should that spontaneous wedding happen in the US, you could adjust status there (but don't consider this a way to get around a regular visa; the burden on proof considering the spur-of-the-moment decision will be on you).

[rebeccajo 14]

I'm sorry to read this post, Chrystal. I remember a recent one from you around the first of the year telling us things weren't good.

Joe should really send a letter to USCIS withdrawing the petition. That way if there is a future petition, there won't be questions on his part. It's best to put closure on record whenever any business with immigration is not seen to its fruition.

There is a new law in place that took effect in March and there is some sort of waiting period now if the petitioner (Joe) has filed in the recent past before a new petition can be filed. I want to say two years but I am not certain about that. I would suggest you research it.

I know you say you love Joe. But you also said he was mean. You might want to weigh that out in your mind - I'm saying that kindly and as one who has been there. You also mention that you 'pressured' him. That might be you being hard on yourself - remember that too. Having said that, one of life's rules I subscribe to is to never issue an 'ultimatum' unless I am truly ready to live with the adverse consequences. Only you can say now if that 'pressure' as you call it, was the wrong move. It might have been self-preservation instead.

*hugs*

Edited April 5, 2006 by rebeccajo

[vickky 0]

am sorry to hearthis, what i've experienced in long distance relationship is very stressful, I almost give up on ma own due to lot of arguement and mistrust, but whne I'd posted ma own situation here so many pl came up wt their opinion and advice which really help me today to deal wt that man.

ma dear realationship like this long distance needs prayers, u have to pray and hand over everythin to God to work it out for u, he may or may not come back to u but what i shd tell u now let it be like that, if it meant for u guys to be together surely it will be ok.

put urself together its never gonna be the end of ur life, be strong cos u never no what is coming for u in future, remember when there's life there's hope.

wish u the best !!

vick

[Chrystal and Joe 0]

Joe did put in a formal request to end the petition. We went through a lawyer and so he dealt with it all with him. I made him end it all formally because if he didn't that little ounce of hope was still in my head for us to work things out and be together and in fact I had to face reality. So my name will be cleared with in the next month or so. Thanks to all for the help and info!

[Milka 0]

Dear Chrystal,

I am so sad to read that, it brakes my heart. I hope you will feel better after a couple of weeks. But just think positive. There will be another man wating for you somewhere. I know its hard to imagine right now, but you will see in the future.

Best luck to you.

Greetings from Germany.

Ilka

Joe did put in a formal request to end the petition. We went through a lawyer and so he dealt with it all with him. I made him end it all formally because if he didn't that little ounce of hope was still in my head for us to work things out and be together and in fact I had to face reality. So my name will be cleared with in the next month or so. Thanks to all for the help and info!

[Linababe 0]

Crystal I sympathise with you - I truely understand what you are going through - i was also in a similar situation. My fiance Dave and I have known each other 4 years now, and the first time i saw him I knew this is the man i will spend the rest of my life with, I had faith in the higher being in what will be will be. I too pressured him at first asking him to marry me etc and told him we were meant to be etc. Things got hairy and he felt all the presure and backed off and broke up with me. 4 weeks later he was back wanting to try to make our relatonship work so I went to visit him yet again, we had really good times and yes the bad times were bad. Again i started to pressure him - and again he broke up and yet again 4 weeks later he was back saying i was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with so we carried on with this long distance relationship as it was 3 years before I could go see him again But last year again i couldnt handle the pressure of being away from him, not touching him etc that the arguments over silly little things took over and yet again he broke up with me - this time I thought it was for good. This time it took him 3 months to realise that I was who he wanted and missed terribly as we didnt talk as much. All those times he broke up with me I cried myself to sleep and got really ill, I think to myself is this really meant to be, eventually i gained my faith back and just left it to the Universe (I know its easy said then done I had doubts too but with the help of a very good friend who ensured me that he will be back in my life I got through all this). And as predicted, Dave was calling me and leaving me messages etc and we talked and he decided that it was time for me to go over to visit him again last christmas - he even bought my ticket so I went for 8 weeks. I was very cautious at this time as I knew he would break my heart yet again but i had faith and to my surprise he proposed to me on christmas eve infront of all of his family and well here we are... waiting for our NOA2. Things do get very hard in long distance relationships and to the fact that My fiance David was (in my opinion) not sure about his future and to him marriage is a big thing and he really wanted to be sure he was doign the right thing. I have been married b4 so I know things dont allways turn out the way you hope them to be. But I am a very strong believer in "what is meant to be will be" . You never know if he may change his mind and just the pressure got to him and he said things on the spur of the moment (I know spur of the moment in some men's eyes can be 4 weeks even months - but give it time). I am also a planner and plan things for the future he doesnt he is more of a what will be will be and one step at a time guy, so it can get difficult but I have learnt within the last 4 years of ups and downs .... DONT Pressure him, and let him decide what step is next in the relationship lol. Please keep your chin up - if he is the man for you then he will be back if not there is better out there for you...

Love Lina (UKC)

[zed2283 1]

I would like to second that for all you ladies out there. DO NOT pressure your men. That is the worst thing you can do. We men are just trying to do what we feel is right, in our own time and in our own way. If you love us and trust us and believe in us, then know that we will come around eventually. And letting us do it that way will lead to a much better relationship. And if it doesn't happen, then both people are better off in the end than if things had been forced to move forward.

That said, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things will get better. Time really does help. We've all been there before, and life does go on and things do get better. The hard part is just getting through.

[flash 0]

Hey Chrystal,

Sorry to hear about your loss. Long distance relationships can be extremely hard. I am now in a 2 year long distance relationship, we haven't even seen each other once besides the internet. As for your visa. I cant say for sure, but I couldn't see them stopping anything, You are human. People do break up and make up. And long distance is a real nasty thing to be involved in. I'm sure if you would file the petition again you would be fine. As for it being quicker, I highly doubt it. It probably would be seen as a new one and the wait is on again. If you have the money, and are serious about him completely. You could wait there under the visa waiver program. Just show them stacks of evidence you have strong ties to your country and do intend on returning. Good luck.

Edited April 5, 2006 by flash

[Ladylethal 12]

Rebbeca had great advice there. I´m sorry that things fell through, but you´ll need to tell Joe to inform the Immigration that you´re not gonna go through with the process, and he´ll have to supply a reason.

Long Distance Relationships and this process are very stressful situations, and I was wondering when I´d see the first couple not standing that. But honestly, when it happens, it happens for a reason, and you should take this time to think about yourself, your reasons, your own life and feelings, ´ cus maybe even for you it was best this way.

I´ve through a relationship just like yours (except it wasn´t long distance). Our good times were wonderful, but our bad times were horrible, and in the 7 years we were together, I seemed to notice we had more bad times than good. It was painful to end this, ´cus you cling to the good moments, but after your heart mends itself, you´ll be able to see this was best for both of you, or, in case you can overcome this, let some time pass (and I mean TIME, not just a week or a month), and if you two are meant to be together, you´ll find each other again.

[pax 0]

Chrystal, I'm so sorry. I know you must be feeling very hurt right now. *hug*

I hope everything turns out well for you, and for Joe, in the long run.