pls help i need a smart advice about my situation

[lonely_girl 0]

hey guys,I got a problems and it bothers me most of the time,I and my husband had a mis understandings these past few days,Look! my situation is not that easy were living together with his ex wife for the sake of their child who wants to see her parents living together,his exwife has a bf who is also living with us.We wanted to leave out of this house but it's hard coz nobody will baby sit his daughter when they are all at work except me.I knew they can pay for a baby sitter but it messes her up in going to school ,she is now in first grade her school is very close from where we live right now.I find her exwife so materialistic ( sorry about that) it seems she is controlling us she wants to know everything about what we always up to.I am very lonely living here i swallowed my pride for the sake of his daughter.After all the things he has given up to his ex now look at him he is broke coz he sold his all assets and bought a nice house in Philippines, that time he was married with her and they bought also a house here in US.My husband is alwayss stress now,sometimes he is thinking to killed himself,and he even told me to find a guy who can fully support my needs.His exwife has been trying to convince him in getting back together even were already married.I didn't like what she did she already crossed the line.What should i do? I love him so dearly i don't really care if he got no money all i care is his love.Were always tight on budget coz lots of bills to pay here in America.

His exwife has no gratitude she wanted to sell her car to us, my husband bought it for her when they're still married and he gave it away when they broke up.I am so sory about this i know this is very unusual i never thought my life will be miserable.I got already my greencard and SS card i might be working soon as i can.I want to stay with my husband and help him out of this situation.I knew this is a part of a marriage life i shouldn't give up.I have been writing this several times but never posted it coz it might be a wrong place to post.Just wanted to let this hurt feelings out.I hope you guys would understand me.To all filipinos you guys are so lucky!! i am too young to have this kind of problems.Always pray to our Lord Almighty May God Bless us!..

[mommydes 0]

hey guys,I got a problems and it bothers me most of the time,I and my husband had a mis understandings these past few days,Look! my situation is not that easy were living together with his ex wife for the sake of their child who wants to see her parents living together,his exwife has a bf who is also living with us.We wanted to leave out of this house but it's hard coz nobody will baby sit his daughter when they are all at work except me.I knew they can pay for a baby sitter but it messes her up in going to school ,she is now in first grade her school is very close from where we live right now.I find her exwife so materialistic ( sorry about that) it seems she is controlling us she wants to know everything about what we always up to.I am very lonely living here i swallowed my pride for the sake of his daughter.After all the things he has given up to his ex now look at him he is broke coz he sold his all assets and bought a nice house in Philippines, that time he was married with her and they bought also a house here in US.My husband is alwayss stress now,sometimes he is thinking to killed himself,and he even told me to find a guy who can fully support my needs.His exwife has been trying to convince him in getting back together even were already married.I didn't like what she did she already crossed the line.What should i do? I love him so dearly i don't really care if he got no money all i care is his love.Were always tight on budget coz lots of bills to pay here in America.

His exwife has no gratitude she wanted to sell her car to us, my husband bought it for her when they're still married and he gave it away when they broke up.I am so sory about this i know this is very unusual i never thought my life will be miserable.I got already my greencard and SS card i might be working soon as i can.I want to stay with my husband and help him out of this situation.I knew this is a part of a marriage life i shouldn't give up.I have been writing this several times but never posted it coz it might be a wrong place to post.Just wanted to let this hurt feelings out.I hope you guys would understand me.To all filipinos you guys are so lucky!! i am too young to have this kind of problems.Always pray to our Lord Almighty May God Bless us!..

Hi there how did you handle that kind of situation, that is way too much all of you living together in the same roof how awful is that. Well is his ex wife is filipina too. How many kids do they have? You and your husband need to think of something else that is very stressful, I can't live like that. Peace Ya'll

[jom 4]

First I want to say I admire you for your strenght in facing this issue and most of all for staying with your husband despite the difficult situation. You are true to your vows that you will stay with him no matter what.

Second, you and your husband need to talk about priorities in life. I know there is a child involve but this is not all about his daughter anymore. He also have to consider you. Did you talk about this before you arrived in the US? I find the set up stressful. I believe its abot time you and your husband get your own place and be by yourselves. It is not being selfish to his daughter but you also have a life, the two of you. You can always get a place near the daughter.

Talk to your husband. Tell him what you feel aboutt he whole situation, about what you want. As you say, you will be working soon. I believe its time you and your husband be by yourselves.

Goodluck and we pray you will find peace of mind and yoru situation will improve soon.

[spidergirl 0]

hey guys,I got a problems and it bothers me most of the time,I and my husband had a mis understandings these past few days,Look! my situation is not that easy were living together with his ex wife for the sake of their child who wants to see her parents living together,his exwife has a bf who is also living with us.We wanted to leave out of this house but it's hard coz nobody will baby sit his daughter when they are all at work except me.I knew they can pay for a baby sitter but it messes her up in going to school ,she is now in first grade her school is very close from where we live right now.I find her exwife so materialistic ( sorry about that) it seems she is controlling us she wants to know everything about what we always up to.I am very lonely living here i swallowed my pride for the sake of his daughter.After all the things he has given up to his ex now look at him he is broke coz he sold his all assets and bought a nice house in Philippines, that time he was married with her and they bought also a house here in US.My husband is alwayss stress now,sometimes he is thinking to killed himself,and he even told me to find a guy who can fully support my needs.His exwife has been trying to convince him in getting back together even were already married.I didn't like what she did she already crossed the line.What should i do? I love him so dearly i don't really care if he got no money all i care is his love.Were always tight on budget coz lots of bills to pay here in America.

His exwife has no gratitude she wanted to sell her car to us, my husband bought it for her when they're still married and he gave it away when they broke up.I am so sory about this i know this is very unusual i never thought my life will be miserable.I got already my greencard and SS card i might be working soon as i can.I want to stay with my husband and help him out of this situation.I knew this is a part of a marriage life i shouldn't give up.I have been writing this several times but never posted it coz it might be a wrong place to post.Just wanted to let this hurt feelings out.I hope you guys would understand me.To all filipinos you guys are so lucky!! i am too young to have this kind of problems.Always pray to our Lord Almighty May God Bless us!..

Hi, i feel sorry for you. The only solution to your problem is to move out, bring the child with you if thats the only reason thats keeping you from moving out. They have to accept the reality that they are not meant to live in one roof again, the child is too young to understand the situation but she need todeal with it, thats the reality. And I guess its a bad idea for a child to see her parents living in one roof with other people.

[joemaria 0]

I feel sorry for your situation but i admire your courage to handle this. As his new and legal wife you have all the rights. I know when they divorced they have court settlement why not follow it?! I mean im sure it stated there his visitation rights as a father. Think of yourself and your future together, its not selfishness i mean here. You guys need to talk including his ex-wife. If someone needs to leave the house, its not you...hope u have a peace of mind soon and dont let this situation ruined your marriage life, GOODLUCK!

[lonely_girl 0]

Thank you, we wanted to bring his daughter but her mom won't let us ,yes his exwife was a filipina and now an American Citizen.Yeah were always talking about this situation,my husband suggests to petition her mom' s exwife sothat she can baby sit her while she is working and start our own lives.I couldn't believed how greedy she is all i always hear from her is "MONEY".If we will move out of here she won't be able to taking care of her child coz she is working at night.His exwife wanted us to stay here atleast 2 yrs and i don't know if i can handle that long.We have to make it sure first before we move out everything's settled down.

She will ask for child support if we move,the divorcee decree says the mother has a right for visitations.Do you think if his daughter will stay with her mom she can file for child support ?even it says on divorce decree the issue of that relationship was with my husband having joint legally custody and primary physical custody,care and control subject to the visitation rights of spouse.They had previous debts his credit is so bad how can we move asap if we got no money?.

I better get my permit and driver's license later,that way i can drive going to work.Well thank you guys for your time reading this I really appreciate it, somehow i can take a break and be strong as i can.Till then, once again "THANK YOU SO MUCH". Take care May God Bless us!

[Empress 0]

If your husband has primary physical custody and you and him move out his wife WILL have to pay child support. My advice is to start looking for a job and an apartment. She is definitely a control freak but you don't have to let her control you anymore. Once you have a job you will have some independence and can help pay the bills. You really need to move out of there NOW. I couldn't imagine living like that. Hang in there and continue to pray that things get better.

[akatagirl 0]

Your husband has allowed his exwife to manipulate him and you and used their daughter as a good excuse to keep tight wraps on him. What you should do now is discuss with him how you both can move out because that living situation you are in now is causing all you too much strife and the wicked ex-wife is the only benefiting from this setup. I am so sorry that in your new life here in America you have found yourself in such an awkard,stressful situation. Its great that you fully support your husband and that you love him so dearly..he is lucky to have you but he needs to cut those ties with his ex-wife and live his own life with you so that way he can be a better father and even better husband to you.

May God give you both the strength and wisdom to make it out of this tough time!

[Jasman0717 9]

Wow, what a very stressful situation. Claudeth and I will pray for a successful resolution where you can be happy.

[knowledge 0]

hey guys,I got a problems and it bothers me most of the time,I and my husband had a mis understandings these past few days,Look! my situation is not that easy were living together with his ex wife for the sake of their child who wants to see her parents living together,his exwife has a bf who is also living with us.We wanted to leave out of this house but it's hard coz nobody will baby sit his daughter when they are all at work except me.I knew they can pay for a baby sitter but it messes her up in going to school ,she is now in first grade her school is very close from where we live right now.I find her exwife so materialistic ( sorry about that) it seems she is controlling us she wants to know everything about what we always up to.I am very lonely living here i swallowed my pride for the sake of his daughter.After all the things he has given up to his ex now look at him he is broke coz he sold his all assets and bought a nice house in Philippines, that time he was married with her and they bought also a house here in US.My husband is alwayss stress now,sometimes [b]he is thinking to killed himself[/b],and he even told me to find a guy who can fully support my needs.His exwife has been trying to convince him in getting back together even were already married.I didn't like what she did she already crossed the line.What should i do? I love him so dearly i don't really care if he got no money all i care is his love.Were always tight on budget coz lots of bills to pay here in America.

His exwife has no gratitude she wanted to sell her car to us, my husband bought it for her when they're still married and he gave it away when they broke up.I am so sory about this i know this is very unusual i never thought my life will be miserable.I got already my greencard and SS card i might be working soon as i can.I want to stay with my husband and help him out of this situation.I knew this is a part of a marriage life i shouldn't give up.I have been writing this several times but never posted it coz it might be a wrong place to post.Just wanted to let this hurt feelings out.I hope you guys would understand me.To all filipinos you guys are so lucky!! i am too young to have this kind of problems.Always pray to our Lord Almighty May God Bless us!..

I underlined what might give red flags as of that your husband is sort of trapped in a toxic environment, and especially when expressing self depreciative feelings and towards you, his legal and present spouse. His suicidal thoughts are the big red flag which means he needs to get out of that environment, either he likes or not, money or not. This is the only way in my opinion that he can get better. He can not think anymore obviously (he even rejects you, and disagrees with you) so he is in a different state of mind; i believe, if you feel energetic enough, you have to step in the door to take charge of separating him from all this. But before inform yourself, go to communities organizations, meet a social worker and ask questions, as many as you can and as much so that you can feel enough informed and confortable to act and help him. There is also the fact that the child (and, btw, she does not have to rule her parent's relationship, somebody here has to put the foot in that door too, but to tell her that it won't happen and that is that) has to be protected from this environment too. So, for that a SW can answer and tell you what to do or not...That ex is obviously controlling and not seing straight what's going on around her..so somebody has to stop all this...Talk smoothly to your hubby in order to bring back his self esteem and to convince him to get out of there. Men talk less about what really bothers them..maybe you can bring him to a man's community reunions, especially for man and fathers...where they can share their needs and preoccupations also...Of what you said, he gave a lot..it's time he accepts also something back that will help him...to be the provider he wants to be with you and his child. Wish you very best luck!!!

[perunyc 0]

hey guys,I got a problems and it bothers me most of the time,I and my husband had a mis understandings these past few days,Look! my situation is not that easy were living together with his ex wife for the sake of their child who wants to see her parents living together,his exwife has a bf who is also living with us.We wanted to leave out of this house but it's hard coz nobody will baby sit his daughter when they are all at work except me.I knew they can pay for a baby sitter but it messes her up in going to school ,she is now in first grade her school is very close from where we live right now.I find her exwife so materialistic ( sorry about that) it seems she is controlling us she wants to know everything about what we always up to.I am very lonely living here i swallowed my pride for the sake of his daughter.After all the things he has given up to his ex now look at him he is broke coz he sold his all assets and bought a nice house in Philippines, that time he was married with her and they bought also a house here in US.My husband is alwayss stress now,sometimes he is thinking to killed himself,and he even told me to find a guy who can fully support my needs.His exwife has been trying to convince him in getting back together even were already married.I didn't like what she did she already crossed the line.What should i do? I love him so dearly i don't really care if he got no money all i care is his love.Were always tight on budget coz lots of bills to pay here in America.

His exwife has no gratitude she wanted to sell her car to us, my husband bought it for her when they're still married and he gave it away when they broke up.I am so sory about this i know this is very unusual i never thought my life will be miserable.I got already my greencard and SS card i might be working soon as i can.I want to stay with my husband and help him out of this situation.I knew this is a part of a marriage life i shouldn't give up.I have been writing this several times but never posted it coz it might be a wrong place to post.Just wanted to let this hurt feelings out.I hope you guys would understand me.To all filipinos you guys are so lucky!! i am too young to have this kind of problems.Always pray to our Lord Almighty May God Bless us!..

i'm sorry about your current situation. i agree with other posters who have recommended seeking support outside of the cramped environment and to seek ways to extricate yourself (as a couple) that can still maintain a family unit with the child, if possible.

thank you knowledge for acknowledging the husband's remarks (bolded). wise words and comments. OP, your husband's comments are very concerning regarding his mood. i agree that the sooner you two can get out of the current situation, the better. talk with your husband about this thoughts, ensure that he does not have an active plan to kill himself. reinforce that you are by his side and will remain so through all this and that you are willing to work with him to get him, in fact you both, out of the current living situation, which clearly has affected both of your lives in a negative way. even if it means living in an apartment, elsewhere. stress to your husband that his well-being is your main concern.

good luck.

[lonely_girl 0]

Thank you so much for the advice, were planning to move out of here perhaps next year,I loved my husband and always cheer his up.I just don't understand why his exwife wanted to get back together to him ,she cheated to him, always lying,and making a stories.(i don't want to be mean sorry about that) I guess she wanted to get back coz she can't taking care of their daughter without him.I am the one who give foods to their child coz his exwife is always sleeping in other words she is "LAZY" but she is not lazy hanging out with friends, partying whatever!.Their child asked me (child said ) "why my mom always going out with friends and she never spend time with me" .Yeah their daughter loves to spend time with me she even told me she likes me better than her mom.

Well enough about his exwife, by the way what do you mean if somebody will gave you a red flag?

I am planning to work over the weekends and proceed to school to complete my degree if possible. I want to have more education to pursue my dreams.I took BS industrial Engineering back home but i didn't finished it so this might be a great opportunity.I am trying to find a way to enroll, that would be a dream come true.But first we need to move out of here get our own place,get a job.If everthing goes well i will start going to school again.I have to do this since i am still young im not even 21 yet.Till then, if you got questions/clarifications let me know..Thank you so much have a wonderful morning God Bless!

[akatagirl 0]

I am planning to work over the weekends and proceed to school to complete my degree if possible. I want to have more education to pursue my dreams.I took BS industrial Engineering back home but i didn't finished it so this might be a great opportunity.I am trying to find a way to enroll, that would be a dream come true.But first we need to move out of here get our own place,get a job.If everthing goes well i will start going to school again.I have to do this since i am still young im not even 21 yet.Till then, if you got questions/clarifications let me know..Thank you so much have a wonderful morning God Bless!

I am glad to hear that you both will be moving out..Your stepdaughter is lucky to have you there as you care for as her own biological mother should...Wish you all the best with school here, hope you requested your transcripts from back home so you don't have to start over completely here..I would look online and check with the school your interested in what international evaluation services they suggest so that way you have a better chance of taking less classes and getting that engineering degree. Best of luck to you!

[knowledge 0]

Thank you so much for the advice, were planning to move out of here perhaps next year,I loved my husband and always cheer his up.I just don't understand why his exwife wanted to get back together to him ,she cheated to him, always lying,and making a stories.(i don't want to be mean sorry about that) I guess she wanted to get back coz she can't taking care of their daughter without him.I am the one who give foods to their child coz his exwife is always sleeping in other words she is "LAZY" but she is not lazy hanging out with friends, partying whatever!.Their child asked me (child said ) "why my mom always going out with friends and she never spend time with me" .Yeah their daughter loves to spend time with me she even told me she likes me better than her mom.

Well enough about his exwife, by the way what do you mean if somebody will gave you a red flag?

I am planning to work over the weekends and proceed to school to complete my degree if possible. I want to have more education to pursue my dreams.I took BS industrial Engineering back home but i didn't finished it so this might be a great opportunity.I am trying to find a way to enroll, that would be a dream come true.But first we need to move out of here get our own place,get a job.If everthing goes well i will start going to school again.I have to do this since i am still young im not even 21 yet.Till then, if you got questions/clarifications let me know..Thank you so much have a wonderful morning God Bless!

Perunyc, thanks for noticing, it's appreciated!!

Lonely girl, i've noticed afterward that you are soooo young; it seems you are the most mature one in the household and being put on your shoulders their problems...

Household that seems the past is not yet worked out. So, that to speak, it's a situation between your hubby and his ex to be solved.

His ex in my opinion is not lazy but seems depressed (sleeping late, partying)...Of course many, instead of going to get help as for ex counseling, prefere to run away from their problem.(partying)..She might be depressed because in a way lacks of old times with your husband when he was giving her everything. She seems to me quite immature...especially when not taking care of her child. So, in my opinion of course, till you get out of there you both or whoknows with the child (for which that environment is not either healty) you can try to put some limits to her, when your couple's space (psychological and physical) is invaded. I don't see any other protection while you stay there...some sort of rules of the house...when to step or not the limits...the argument being not she forgets that your hubby gave her all she has...but i don't know her, you are there to see better what to decide to do...overall: whatever bothers you, or you have a doubt about, put right away a limit by saying for ex: nope, i dont find this or that acceptable..and i wish you think seriously about it...because, there will be consequences...especially on the child...

For the child: it's delicate...1st thing and in my opinion of course: never lie to a child...always tell the truth in her own words...when the child gets the answer she needed, forgets about it and does something else...that will not make her grow up in lies and later on have consequences on her own private life.(i.e: imitate her parents problems, we know, well some of us that adults we have difficulties, still to get over them...and developp patterns) ..

She already seems affected, like abandonned by her mother, that's important for her later on..to be worked on...so if she aks the question, it has to be answered...something like: i don't know why is she doing that...why not asking her...maybe she is sad because she divorced your father.or maybe she had some other issues in the past.....some people can get thourgh a separation, divorce, others not.right away....how do YOU feel about that? what does it make you feel of what's going on here?...And, another important thing: make her feel that whatever is going on there is not her fault...but only the issues her parents have, which is nobody's business..they have or she(the mother) has to understand the relationship is over...

The nature of a child is bassically to please a parent...when a parent is immature and too overwhelming the child with her problems...the child might think has to fix the problem...I'm not saying to put down the mother of course..but just to name what's going on...why some can get through their problems, why some others can not....the child will have her own tools then to make up her own idea and heal about the abondnment, etc...humans are not perfect...

Last part, about the red flag, it's a way of saying it's a sign to recognize, in this case, in training stuff about suicidal people, when is important, or to take it seriously....There are different degrees of suicidal thoughts, all have to be taken seriously...to understand with the person what level or degree of seriousness the person is into these types of thoughts...What's good is that some express it..like your hubby, others not and they act on it, without giving any sign of depression...So this has to be also discussed with your hubby, to make him understand he can get help...at least, searching of those community groups of talking, sharing, only beween men where he can have his own space (and far from the toxicicity of the home)...sometimes, even a couple of counselling sessions might help, but has to be found the right person...So you can have here 2 tools of what to do if you feel something has to be done, but know it's not your responsability, everybody is responsible of his-her own depression...they decide what to do with it...If anything happens, in the last resort, don't hesitate to call an ambulance or to bring him at emergency, no other way if it's very serious...

Finally, i'm glad you have the opportunity to pursue your school to fulfill your dreams...and get out of that negative dynamic...You are a very good girl, just take it easy and not everything on your shoulders...you have a lot to learn about your new country...take it step by step...!!!...If you have any other questions, don't hesitate...

Best regards!!!

[knowledge 0]

I am planning to work over the weekends and proceed to school to complete my degree if possible. I want to have more education to pursue my dreams.I took BS industrial Engineering back home but i didn't finished it so this might be a great opportunity.I am trying to find a way to enroll, that would be a dream come true.But first we need to move out of here get our own place,get a job.If everthing goes well i will start going to school again.I have to do this since i am still young im not even 21 yet.Till then, if you got questions/clarifications let me know..Thank you so much have a wonderful morning God Bless!

I am glad to hear that you both will be moving out..Your stepdaughter is lucky to have you there as you care for as her own biological mother should...Wish you all the best with school here, hope you requested your transcripts from back home so you don't have to start over completely here..I would look online and check with the school your interested in what international evaluation services they suggest so that way you have a better chance of taking less classes and getting that engineering degree. Best of luck to you!

That's the best solution for school!!!...oh and also maybe she can get some grants...depending of her status...