emotional baggage of the visa journey...

[Together4ever 1]

This questions is aimed mostly at those who have reunited after a very long wait in the visa process, but not exclusively for obvious reasons. Did you discover you had developed emotional "baggage" as a result of the visa process and your temporary separation?

I have discovered a few very ugly little "bags" so I'm curious if its just my own insanity or if this is a common side effect.

[mybackpages 0]

It makes sense to me. I mean after months and months of living life one way, under the stress, it seems we all would develop certain kinds of patterns of behavior towards each other, towards everything as a copingmechanism or survival tool. These would then pop up out of habit esp in moments of adjustment stress (by that I mean the normal adjustment of 2 people living together and cultural shock setting in).

Does that make sense? is that what you meant?

[Together4ever 1]

For the most part, yes that's what I meant. For all the planning, thinking, organizing I did, I just didn't prepare myself for MYSELF! Don't misunderstand me though, I am utterly on cloud nine to have Mohammed with me again. Its so good to be his wife. I'm just surprised at some of the bizarre internal reactions I have at times... utterly irrational. I'm fortunate he's so open to talking about everything so we can work through things when he sees a strange expression on my face, or me on his. I was just wondering if the other members went through this, and maybe it would be a good thing to bring up to prepare those who will reunite in the future. (Hopefully as quickly as possible!)

[mybackpages 0]

For the most part, yes that's what I meant. For all the planning, thinking, organizing I did, I just didn't prepare myself for MYSELF! Don't misunderstand me though, I am utterly on cloud nine to have Mohammed with me again. Its so good to be his wife. I'm just surprised at some of the bizarre internal reactions I have at times... utterly irrational. I'm fortunate he's so open to talking about everything so we can work through things when he sees a strange expression on my face, or me on his. I was just wondering if the other members went through this, and maybe it would be a good thing to bring up to prepare those who will reunite in the future. (Hopefully as quickly as possible!)

Hopefully as the morning goes on, more of us who have experienced these long separations will join in and prove our thougths right and share with us all kinds of insights. I think I completely understand what you are expressing here and I think its normal especially when you have such a sense of self awareness like you seem to have.

[Jenn! 918]

We were very lucky to not have a really, long separation during the visa process, but we were apart for the seven months prior to beginning the process as well. I think I understand what you mean though. When Wadi arrived here and even now a bit still, I had this desire to be with him just about 24/7. It wasn't like that before we did the long-distance thing. It was almost like I was afraid of losing him again and had to soak him all up!

Sorry if that's not what you meant by emotional baggage.

Edited January 10, 2007 by jenn3539

[Together4ever 1]

For me its a fear he will leave again. Completely irrational and creeps up on me at the weirdest times, but it makes me want to grab onto him tight and not let him go until that feeling passes. I'm noticing he has those moments too.

I guess I didn't mean anything specific by "baggage" other then its interesting the psychology junk that comes up.

[MrsAmera 41]

Jean - I know EXACTLY what you're talking about (then again right now my hormones are a little wacky!) I kept wanting to put off Youssef going home to visit because I was so terrified that he wouldn't come back, something would happen any number of crazy scenarios. But in my heart it killed me to see him missing his family sooo much and I knew that he needed to see them to be a better husband and father right now. Also just a recent example, he left this morning for 3 days to work. Yesterday I cried almost all day, now rational me says "Hey bozo look he's going 2 hours away for work, he's going to come back and if something happens you can get there in a reasonable amount of time" But irrational me is saying "OMG no how will you go on, he just got here (btw that was like a year ago!) and what if he doesn't come back?!?!" We've also had other struggles, with the kids, with jobs and life etc that we never had before he came here so I guess the reality of life and the emotional place we were at pre-moving to America are very different things. Now a year later we're still dealing with them.

[Together4ever 1]

WHEW!!! Glad to know I'm not alone. Sorry to hear about your teary day, but I can really understand. Your hormones aren't helping you much right now either.

I am finding I CANNOT STAND TO SEE OR HEAR THE WORD VISA. It gives me a knot in my stomach. I wonder how many years before that one passes away...

[Ban Hammer 13,346]

I am finding I CANNOT STAND TO SEE OR HEAR THE WORD VISA. It gives me a knot in my stomach. I wonder how many years before that one passes away...

avoid american express then. get a mastercard

[ya falaha! 0]

I hate the word "visa" too.

WHEW!!! Glad to know I'm not alone. Sorry to hear about your teary day, but I can really understand. Your hormones aren't helping you much right now either.

I am finding I CANNOT STAND TO SEE OR HEAR THE WORD VISA. It gives me a knot in my stomach. I wonder how many years before that one passes away...

[sarah and hicham 3]

WHEW!!! Glad to know I'm not alone. Sorry to hear about your teary day, but I can really understand. Your hormones aren't helping you much right now either.

I am finding I CANNOT STAND TO SEE OR HEAR THE WORD VISA. It gives me a knot in my stomach. I wonder how many years before that one passes away...

I guess I don't see why you're not loving the word visa right now. You guys finally got it and now you are with your husband. What else could you ask for?

[~Jackie~ 30]

Survivor of a 2 year wait, I know something about this. While waiting for the visa, you are concentrating on one thing and one thing only, and that is getting your SO here. After they come, its a whole new ball game. No longer do you communicate with typed words and a phone line. Many that I have talked to feel very unprepared for the feelings that come after reuniting. That's why I call it the 'omg hes here what do i do now club.'

I love Mohammed and would not change a thing. There are times to this day that I need an extra long hug and I say 'alhamdulillah' for the chance to live my life with him.

For some, the pain of the wait goes away rather quickly, but for me and others I know, it may diminish some, but I know I will never take for granted what I have now. Jean, he's not going anywhere, so settle in and enjoy every minute together.

After the 10 year card comes, you won't be as affected by the V word. When you can file away ALL the papers, the relief comes knowing you are USCIS free!

Jackie

[ya falaha! 0]

Funny you mention about communicating with phone lines and typed words as opposed to real life communication. When I'm with Moh in Egypt I don't do a lot of talking. It's like I don't know what to say when I'm with him. On the phone or online I'm a chatterbox and he's the listener. In Egypt it's reversed.

[Ta Ta 1]

I think this is a very good thread. We had one going in the Sub Saharan about

African male culture and blending our Western ways with the SO's but from

what you are saying there are internal issues in ourselves that we have to deal with.

Stemming from the separation.........separation anxiety .......the fear of being left,

that goes beyond cutural adjustment.

I am not united yet with my fiance but am aware of the changes ahead of us and

am very interested in any help/details/tips/ on how to sail smoothly through the transition

of adjustment and the remaining fear of separation.

It is true ....the focus is only on coming together..then it shifts to " now what "

with meshing all the emotions, thoughts and perceptions of the past with the present to

build a meaningful future.

Somehow I am reminded of the Olympian athlete who wins the gold medal and now what will he do after the goal has been accomplished...there is a shift that happens.

A shift in the dance of 'interaction' from virtual expectation to reality.

Highs and lows. The typed word becomes now the spoken word packaged with emotion.

Communication between the couple is the most important tool. I will just sit back and soak in any wise words anyone has to offer.

[peezey 0]

For me its a fear he will leave again. Completely irrational and creeps up on me at the weirdest times, but it makes me want to grab onto him tight and not let him go until that feeling passes. I'm noticing he has those moments too.

I guess I didn't mean anything specific by "baggage" other then its interesting the psychology junk that comes up.

Has he been here before and left you? I'm confused.