New Life

[nate200233713 0]

hello all,

it has been two weeks with the mrs. and thing are not the dream I thought it would be. PLEASE help...She is Vietnamese and I am American..has anyone experience the two cultures mixing togother? She tells me that in vietnam they are not romantic and they do not display their affections even in the privacy of home. She does not like to sit with me or even try to talk to me. She seems cold toward me and I was wondering if it is a cultural thing or the adjustment thing. Please share your experience I really need help. I hope I am not continuing a big mistake...but am afraid if I send her back I may be making a big mistake od eventual happiness. Do I wait longer or send her now. The marriage is scheduled for MArch 12, I need to figure it out soon. Help please any opinion is welcomed.....thanks

Nate

[miranda 0]

That seems to be a very tricky situation. Why are you just now finding this out about her? When you met didn't it come up? I think communication is the most important thing in a marriage. You're going need to talk to her, get it all out in the open. Let her talk to you... have a discussion about this. Tell her that for this to work you need to show her affection and for it to be shown back. I'm not saying it will end the way you want it to, but wouldn't you rather know BEFORE you're married than after? Take this as a grain of salt if you wish, but I would not marry someone who didn't meet my needs. I'm a person who needs a lot of love and affection. My fiance' more than shows me enough and we display affection constantly in private and in public(not too much in public). However, I think I would feel unloved if even in the home he didn't show me affection. Do as you feel is right.

[purpledonkey 0]

Love knows no culture. Make sure perhaps that she isnt looking for a free ticket to the states.. Hate to make an accusation, but these things happen. I don't know you or your woman, but I wouldn't want to be with anyone that doesn't really love me no matter what they look like.

I am an affectionate type person, and I would not be able to live with someone I couldn't touch. Half of a relationship is communication....If she won't even talk to me, then its a failure before it begins. Good luck...You know her best, you already know the answer I'm sure if you think logically and put aside emotion.

[buckeye1971 0]

Hope it is a cultural shock for her. I think this is something normal, my girl is glad to know that there will be some female friends of mine to help her with those "Female Things They Need and Do". Can you get her anyone else to talk to? I hope you have not made a mistake but there had to be something before she came that gave you a sign if it is a mistake? Good Luck

[nate200233713 0]

she has family here but they are tradiional vietnamese... they tell me to give her time but time is the thing i am running out of...if we do get married and it still does not work is it tough to send her back or am I stuck with her? I don't want to see that but I need help making a painful decision.

[poipoi 0]

if you get a divorce, and you can prove that you're in good faith, she'll be sent home immediately. i still hope that would not how your story would end though. best of luck

[miranda 0]

The problem is that no one here can make that decision for you nate. I understand you're running out of time. I'd hate for you to have to call it off; send her back, but if you're not happy then that's no way to start a marriage. Communication is the only way to solve this. I think with clear communication you'll see the answer, whether it's the one you're looking for or not.

[chocolaterie 0]

Being of Asian descent myself I can tell you what I know (but I'm Chinese, born and raised in Canada). Most asian women are taught that if you do show affection in public, that sort of behavior is viewed as "loose" (prostitute like). If you don't mind me asking, what is your definition of romantic? It probably has a lot to do with culture shock. Heck, I'm CDN and I had culture shock coming to the USA! Also, the majority of asian cultures are high context cultures. Meaning we don't like to sit and chat, and mostly everything is said indirectly because we place a lot of emphasis on saving face. I would seek the help of a marriage counselor who has experience with intercultural relationships. See if she wants to take some classes and make some friends. If it doesn't work, well then it doesn't work.

[aussiewench 9]

Oh gosh....I'm a strong believer in inner voices. What are they telling you? (just answer that within yourself) My advice is to listen to them as they do not lie.

*hugs*

Lorelle

[vicki/bala 0]

That seems to be a very tricky situation. Why are you just now finding this out about her? When you met didn't it come up? I think communication is the most important thing in a marriage. You're going need to talk to her, get it all out in the open. Let her talk to you... have a discussion about this. Tell her that for this to work you need to show her affection and for it to be shown back. I'm not saying it will end the way you want it to, but wouldn't you rather know BEFORE you're married than after? Take this as a grain of salt if you wish, but I would not marry someone who didn't meet my needs. I'm a person who needs a lot of love and affection. My fiance' more than shows me enough and we display affection constantly in private and in public(not too much in public). However, I think I would feel unloved if even in the home he didn't show me affection. Do as you feel is right.

I too am very affectionate, and my ex husband was from Sri Lanka. The most wonderful man you will ever meet. He was a perfect husband in every way, except he showed no affection or emotions. Trust me, it matters a great deal. I tried so hard to adjust and accept what he gave, but if your needs are not being met it will not work out. I loved him with all my heart, but I never felt so unloved in all my life! I pray that your story is different than mine, and it is just an adjustment thing, because believe me, it is a miserable thing to live in a home where you dont feel loved.

Good luck to you.

Vicki/Bala

[dmartmar 1]

She tells me that in Vietnam, they are not romantic and they do not display their affections, even in the privacy of home. She does not like to sit with me or even try to talk to me.

Same as you having doubts already, I also can't seem to buy her "cultural differences" excuse trying to somehow justify why she's not affectionate towards, nor communicate with you either, even in the privacy of your home. Did she mention this "cultural difference" to you or were you even aware of it before bringing her over? Was she like this whenever you dated or spent time together in person? I would assume that at some point and time, not only did you tell her the types of characteristics you looked for in a woman, but also the types of women that attracted you as well.

IMHO, I think she's just feeding you a bunch of bs ####### as a cop out.

This is a great way for the two of you to start your marriage, when your soon-to-be wife doesn't even make any attempts whatsoever to talk to you. Seems as if the two of you don't really know each other and as such, have nothing in common to talk about either. But what really worries me the most, is the fact you seem to be the only one putting forth the effort of communicating with her, in order to be able to find mutual interests and reach common grounds, so you can have a successful marriage. On the other hand, the same can't be said about her. Thus, this already is a one sided affair before marriage! Remember that no matter how much or hard you try, if she really has no interest in you, nor puts any effort towards having a successful marriage, it won't work either now, nor in the future. Something to consider.

If I was the type of person that needed lots of attention and/or affection from a woman, I would right away and from the very beginning make sure she knew about. And when/if deciding to marry her, I would've made sure she so far has been able and still will be capable of meeting and fulfilling those needs.

Being of Asian descent myself, I can tell you what I know (but I'm Chinese, born and raised in Canada). Most Asian women are taught that if you do show affection in public, that sort of behavior is viewed as "loose" (prostitute like).

That's cool and all, but in the OP's case, he is not complaining about his fiance not being affectionate towards him in public, but really about her not being affectionate at all, in the privacy of their home, behind closed doors! I find this utterly absurd, unless she is truly not attracted to him at all and possibly has ulterior motives by marrying him, as another poster mentioned.

I would ask her if she would behave the same way if she was to marry or was already married to a Vietnamese husband instead, whether here in the US or back in Vietnam.

If her family was already here before you brought her over; why didn't they bring her over instead?

Follow your instincts and listen to your gut feelings. Right now they're sensing and telling you something doesn't seem, nor feels right. If you're not happy with the current situation, getting married will not necessarily guarantee things will get better. You are currently not happy and having doubts, which is why you came here asking for advice in the first place. Since your fiance shows no interest in pursuing a relationship with you now, I assume she won't either after marriage. Are you guys even intimate?

Remember, the language of "true" love is universal and as such, knows no boundary, nor language, nor culture, etc. Love is displayed and shown the same all over the World, moreso in privacy.

I would seek the help of a marriage counselor who has experience with intercultural relationships. See if she wants to take some classes and make some friends. If it doesn't work, well then it doesn't work.

Truly the best advice and supporting statement I've seen so far here on VJ. NOT!

Edited February 19, 2006 by dmartmar

[STL_HCMC 0]

As a fellow petitioner with a Vietnamese fiancee I have not experienced any of these types of reactions with my fiancee. However, I live/work in Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam and therefore I'm afforded the luxury of seeing my fiancee on a daily basis and we've thus developed a strong bond from the beginning.

I will say that she has told me several times that "the culture" is very different regarding affection in public. For example, kissing in public is a very shy experience for the Vietnamese.

STL_HCMC

[john_and_marlene 162]

Sounds like hooey to me and she's giving you a big pile of it. Remember, if you marry and apply for AOS, you are about to sign a contract that will obligate you to support her for a very long time whether or not you are still married. Is this how she acted when you two made the decision to file for the K1? ... I doubt it. It truly sounds like the beginning of a bad journey to me. Don't get married with the hope that it will get better. If it's not right to get married then don't do it.

My wife is Asian too and I've never been shown so much love and affection in my entire life.

[chocolaterie 0]

dmartmar, why do you criticise another person's advice? Actually I notice this trend a lot with your posts to questions. Why do you stay on VJ if you're so unhappy? It's obvious you're a scorned man, whether or not you want to admit it. Doesn't VJ just remind you of her? It pains me to see that you can't be as happy as the rest of us. And OP is asking for advice because he feels there may be "eventual happiness". Stick to the question at hand. I know more than one person has told you so, I don't need to be added to the list. To the OP, sorry I don't mean to make this another dmartmar post.

Edited February 19, 2006 by chocolaterie

[Matt_Stevens 5]

I just sent in the I-129F form for my beautiful Anh last week. We have met twice in person, each time for about 12 days and she was nothing like what Nate described. In fact, Anh told me about women she knew who used American men to get into the U.S. and this woman sounds just like that.

If it feels wrong and if this woman cannot show any affection or a need to talk and communicate, CALL IT OFF! There is so much fraud with this sort of thing. Four people in my home town were arrsted for it last year.

By the way, chocolaterie, you are one beautiful woman. I hope your man worships the ground you walk on!