'Don't get Angry': A Little Fiqh of Anger & Acquiring Good Character

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Assalamu Alaikum wa RahmatuAllahi wa Barakatu

Marrying someone from another culture can throw up a thousand more blocks on the road to a sucessful and happy marriage. Asside from the immigration heartaches, cultural misunderstandings and differences are inevitable. Sometimes when we encounter these problems and other problems related to marriage in general, we make it worse by getting angry. I am pretty sure every couple has started a disagreement over something small, only to have it escelate into a full blown shouting match. This piece provides excellent advice drawn on the sunnah of the Prophet (saws) on how to control your anger. The second half has sufi content (which I didn't paste here, but you can access by clicking on the link), so if you're not a fan of sufism, either read it with an open heart or skip it

'Don't get Angry': A Little Fiqh of Anger & Acquiring Good Character

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

I get angry very quickly. If there is the slightest provocation, I quickly explode and start to break things, swear, curse and issue threats of divorce…. What can I do to rid myself of this awful disease and extinguish this devilish fire?”

The Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) said,

“Don’t get angry,”

In the name of Allah, the inspirer of truth. All praise is to Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate, and all blessings and peace to our Master Muhammad, his family, companions, and those who follow them.

Anger is something both the Shariah and the sound intellect regard as generally blameworthy. This is why the Beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) told the one who sought his counsel, “Don’t get angry,” repeatedly.

The scholars recommend many measures to deal with anger, including:

1. Turn to Allah, and seeking refuge in Allah, from Satan.

When a man got angry in front of the Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace), he told his companions, “I know some words that would make his anger leave, if he said them. They are, A`udhubillahi min al-shaykhtan (‘I seek refuge in Allah from Satan’). [bukhari] Imam Mawardi said in Adab al-Dunya wa al-Din that one should remember Allah when angry, for this leads to fear of Allah, which directs him to obey Him and restrain one’s anger by returning to proper manners. Allah Most High said, “And remember Allah when you are heedless.” [Qur’an, 18: 24]

Turn to Allah in supplication, in order to control one’s anger. One should turn to Allah with one’s heart and tongue, asking him to rid one of anger, and all other lowly traits. If you can do this using the supplications of the Beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace), it is even more beloved to Allah. `A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) reports that, “The Prophet entered while she was angry. So he rubbed the tip of my nose and said, ‘My little `A’isha. Say, ‘O Allah, forgive my sin, remove the anger in my heart, and protect me from Satan.’ (Allahumma’ Ghfirli dhanbi, wa adhhib ghaydha qalbi, wa aajirni min ash-shaytan)” [ibn al-Sunni, as mentioned in Barkawi’s Tariqa al-Muhammadiyya]

{ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِي ذَنْبِي وَأَذْهِبْ غَيْظَ قَلْبِي وَآجِرْنِي مِنْ الشَّيْطَانِ }

2. Silence.

Do not say anything when angry, lest it contravene the Sacred Law, or go against your personal or social interests. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, “If you get angry, stay silent.” [Ahmad]

3. Change your physical posture.

The Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) is reported to have said, “If you get angry while standing, sit down…. If you get angry while sitting, lie down.” The wisdom in this is that it prevents one from doing that which one’s anger would have made one do in that posture.

4. Perform ritual ablutions

The Prophet informed us that anger is from Satan, and he was created from fire, so we should extinguish anger with ritual ablutions. [Abu Dawud]

5. Follow the counsel of the Best of Creation (Allah bless him & give him peace)

His repeated counsel for the one who sought advice was, “Do not get angry.” [bukhari]

6. Remember the great reward mentioned by Allah for those who control their anger.

“And vie with one another for forgiveness from your Lord, and for a Paradise as wide as are the heavens and the earth, prepared for those fear Allah (al-muttaqin) ; Those who spend (of that which Allah has given them) in ease and in adversity, those who control their wrath, and are forgiving toward mankind; and Allah loves the good. And those who, when they do an evil deep or wrong themselves, remember Allah and implore forgiveness for their sins. And who forgives sins but Allah?...” (Qur’an, 3: 133-135)

7. Remember that true strength is not physical, but spiritual and moral.

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, “The strong one is not one who can out-wrestle others. Rather, the strong one is one who can restrain themselves when angry. [bukhari& Muslim] Imam Kumushkhanawi, the great 19th Century hadith expert and Naqshabandi spiritual guide, explained that, this is because, “…the one who can control himself when his anger swells up has overcome the most powerful of his enemies and the worst of his adversaries. From this hadith, the Sufis deduced that it is incumbent on the knower of Allah to bear those who harm him, such as neighbors and others. (Lawami` al-`Uqul, 4: 23-4)

Imam Barkawi mentioned in his Tariqa al-Muhammadiyya that the way to remove the tendency to anger is, “By removing is cause, which is avidness for rank, arrogance, and conceit. One who has these traits is easily angered by that which normally does not anger others.

8. Remember the example of the Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace)

Remember the clemency, forbearance, and easy-going nature of the Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) with others, and did not get angry unless the anger was for the sake of Allah. The examples of this from his life are numerous. The scholars say that every Muslim should strive to read about the life and example of the Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) daily.

9. Remember the harms of anger.

Be aware of the harms of anger, which include falling into that which Allah deems impermissible of words or actions, and acting in a way unbefitting of a believer. Would we act like this if we were aware that Allah sees all our actions? Would we act like this in the presence of the Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace)?

Imam Ibn Hajar al-Haytami (Allah have mercy on him) counted getting wrongly angry as one of the first major sins in his Zawajir.

10. Remember that anger is generally animalistic.

Be aware that one resembles animals, more than noble humans, when in a state of anger. [barkawi, Tariqa]

Edited July 28, 2006 by rahma

[Together4ever 1]

< Is SO busy firing this one off to Mohammed... (laughing myself into hysterics)

Been a rough road the last few weeks. THANK YOU RAHMA!!!

[samir_shannon 0]

good post rahma....................i will have samir read that

[Henia 11]

Esalaamu Aleikum wa Rahmat Allah wa Baraketu

We all have probably found ourselves inexplicably angry at one point on time. Maybe your spouse did something to upset you... the children weren't listening to you and misbehaving... someone cut you off on the road... your boss is being unreasonable...of you just didnt't get a chnance for your morning coffee... We share this world with many people of many different personalities, so it is inevitable that we will feel anger or frustration from time to time. While the feelings are inevitable, angry reactions are not. But personally I feel and tell my fmaily this all the time....People out there ( meaning outside of our family) are looking and trying to find ways to give us trouble...Allah(swt) had made our lives a trail of tests...so we should do our best to stop the drama and fighting within our familial structure.

Just stop nitpicking, tearing each other apart, and looking for something to be mad about? And don't you ever when looking back on an argument, find yourself unable to find exactly why you were fighting in the first place? I'm sure we've all had these days. Why? Well, it could be that you are, in fact, and could be married to the most annoying person on earth. More likely, Ithough, it is the work of Shaytan.

Whenever I get into some situation where I get angry or frustrated I just silently breathe deeply and say this short du'ua.

"O Allah, protect me from the Shaytan and his whispers"

Usually I am fine after that...esp if I just get away from the situation and get a chance to really "breathe". But I mean, come on...yea husbands and wives (and really all people) can be so annoying...but then if their were THAT annoying then why are we going through this INS processing to bring them here to be with us like 24/7????? Hmmm?

And also I have found, and recently I have read articles on this...that after every fight where people were verbally abusive (cursing and such) the other person losing some level of respect for the person doing the cursing. So who wants that anyway?

Finally I just want to close this reply to the topic by saying... Marrying a person will a different can be a extra large challenge but more times if both parties are really loving the other and both are open-minded these differences are blessings and doorways to whole new levels in the relation. So focus on the good, not the bad...and appreciate what you have, not what you don't....

PS... The Prophet Mohammed (saw) said that we should resolve all all of our issues (anger issues) within 3 days...

"The most excellent jihad (struggle) is that for the conquest of self "

Prophet Mohammed (saw)

"He is not strong and powerful who throweth people down; but he is strong who witholdeth himself from anger" Prophet Mohammed (saw)

"Making peace between one another: enmity and malice tear up heavenly rewards by the roots" Prophet Mohammed (saw)

Below is article I found on www.jannah.com that breaks it down for us

The Causes of Anger and It's Medicine

by Imam al Ghazali

The Causes of Anger and It's Medicine

From Imam Ghazali's book "Ihyaa Uloom ad Deen"

(The revival of religious teachings)

Know, O dear readers, that the medecine of a disease is to remove the

root cause of that disease. Isa (Jesus Christ) -peace be upon him-

was once asked: "What thing is difficult?" He said: "God's wrath."

Prophet Yahya (John the Baptist) -peace be upon him- then asked:

"What thing takes near the wrath of God?" He said:"Anger". Yahya -

peace be upon him- asked him:"What thing grows and increases anger?"

Isa -peace be upon him- said:"Pride, prestige, hope for honour and

haughtiness"

The causes which cause anger to grow are self-conceit, self-praise,

jests and ridicule, argument, treachery, too much greed for too much

wealth and name and fame. If these evils are united in a person, his

conduct becomes bad and he cannot escape anger.

So these things should be removed by their opposites. Self-praise is

to be removed by modesty. Pride is to be removed by one's own origin

and birth, greed is to be removed by remaining satisfied with

necessary things, and miserliness by charity.

The prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "A strong man is not

he who defeats his adversary by wrestling, but a strong man is he who

controls himself at the time of anger."

We are describing below the medecines of anger after one gets angry.

The medecine is a mixture of knowledge and action. The medecine based

on knowledge is of six kinds:

(1) The first medecine of knowledge is to think over the rewards of

appeasing anger, that have come from the verses of the Quran and the

sayings of the Prophet (pbuh). Your hope for getting rewards of

appeasing anger will restrain you from taking revenge.

(2) The second kind of medecine based on knowledge is to fear the

punishment of God and to think that the punishment of God upon me is

greater than my punishment upon him. If I take revenge upon this man

for anger, God will take revenge upon me on the Judgement Day.

(3) The third kind of medecine of anger based on knowledge is to take

precaution about punishment of enemity and revenge on himself. You

feel joy in having your enemy in your presence in his sorrows, You

yourself are not free from that danger. You will fear that your enemy

might take revenge against you in this world and in the next.

(4) Another kind of medecine based on knowledge is to think about the

ugly face of the angry man, which is just like that of the ferocious

beast. He who appeases anger looks like a sober and learned man.

(5) The fifth kind of medecine based on knowledgeis to think that the

devil will advise by saying: " You will be weak if you do not get

angry!" Do not listen to him!

(6) The sixth reason is to think: " What reason have I got to get

angry? What Allah wishes has occured!"

Medecine based on action

When you get angry, say: I seek refuge in God from the accursed evil

(A'oudhou billaahi min as shaytaan ir rajeem). The prophet (pbuh)

ordered us to say thus.

When Ayesha (RA) got angry, he dragged her by the nose and said: " O

dear Ayesha, say: O God, you are the Lord of my prophet Muhammad,

forgive my sins and remove the anger from my heart and save me from

misguidance."

If anger does not go by this means, you will sit down if you are

standing, lie down if you are sitting, and come near to earth, as you

have been created of earth. Thus make yourself calm like the earth.

The cause of wrath is heat and its opposite is to lie down on the

ground and to make the body calm and cool.

The prophet (pbuh) said: Anger is a burning coal. Don't you see your

eyebrows wide and eyes reddish? So when one of you feels angry, let

him sit down if standing, and lie down if sitting.

If still anger does not stop, make ablution with cold water or take a

bath, as fire cannot be extinguished without water.

The prophet (pbuh) said : " When one of you gets angry, let him make

ablution with water as anger arises out of fire." In another

narration, he said:" Anger comes from the devil and the devil is made

of fire." Hazrat Ali (RA) said:

The prophet did not get angry for any action of the world. When any

true matter charmed him, nobody knew it and nobody got up to take

revenge for his anger. HE GOT ANGRY ONLY FOR TRUTH.

Ashadu ana la ilaah anstasghfiruka wa itubu ilaik.

Please forgive me for any mistakes I have made.

Anything good I have said or send to you is from Allah, the mistakes are mine.

Jazak Allah Kheiran, waleikum esalaam wrt.