5 reasons why the USA does not like soccer

[yogib37 3]

Arts & Entertainment>Sports

from the June 30, 2006 edition

Backstory: Five good reasons Americans don't watch soccer

By Chuck Cohen

1. We didn't invent it.

Americans love their inventions. Which is why we like baseball. And why we're not big on foie gras. Why we can't live a day without a microwave. And why we can, and have, lived for centuries without lederhosen. The problem with America and soccer is that we can't say we had anything to do with its genesis. Unlike, say, our pride in both Chicken McNuggets and Ryan Seacrest.

2. We have unattractive knees.

Although Americans have tried to hide them for years, we have, as a country, bad looking knees. As opposed to the Brazilians whose motto is, "Look At My Knees, Please!" Or the Germans who will use any excuse to bend their knees and shout something both incomprehensible and lengthy. Americans' ambivalence about their knees explains the attempt many years ago by US soccer coaches to make capri pants an official part of the uniform. This suggestion was met with hoots of derision from all soccer playing nations, except Italy, which thought it wasn't a terrible idea, but wanted to accompany the tight pants with a snappy bolero jacket.

3. We're not good with our feet.

America is much more a land of hands than feet. Although renowned for our hand gestures, we have been sadly lacking in people who know what to do with their feet, let alone their toes, ever since Fred Astaire stopped gliding around floors. (The toe puppet craze was extremely short-lived.) As a result, the growth of both soccer and ballroom dancing has suffered. Attempts to merge the two "sports" fizzled in the late '60s. The Fred Astaire Soccer League was a spectacular failure, drawing somewhere between two and three fans to its inaugural, and final, match. This despite the innovation of requiring both goalies to wear toe shoes and stay on pointe for 50 percent of the match.

4. We are not good at kvetching.

If you've ever watched an international soccer match you know that kvetching, aka complaining or oy yoy yoy-ing about being hurt, is as important to soccer greatness as being married to an attractive model. And yet, as much as American players writhe on the ground as if run over by a Panzer division, all our efforts produce only "are you kidding" headshakes from referees. The truth is our athletes are not very good actors. Ever see a Shaquille O'Neal commercial? Barry Bonds deny taking steroids? Not exactly Oscar-winning performances.

5. We don't understand the rules.

From an early age, we learn it is important to know the rules of the games we play. Why, for example, after you hit a baseball you should run to first base rather than the hot dog stand. Unfortunately, as hard as we try, we still haven't figured out the rules of soccer. What exactly is an offside? Why does the game continue after time has run out? And, most important, why isn't there a seventh-inning stretch?

• Chuck Cohen is a California-based satirist.

[Welshcookie 17]

[godsavethequeen 0]

There are another reason:-

Because Americans hate to come second, you'll play a game no other country plays and then call a competition a World Series!! when only one other country plays it. The Football (soccer for you USers) World Cup is competed in by nearly every country on the globe. You'd hate to be defeated by a smaller insignificant country, France for example!! You could not take it. Americams hate to lose. The rest of the world understands the feeling of believing in victory then the downer of defeat. America may declare war on a country they lost to, in a knee jerk reaction of revenge and misunderstanding.

Another reason is the lack of protective clothing. If the wearing of a fancy crash-hat or shoulder padding was included I think America may enjoy it more. There seems to be a fixation with adornment in US sports!!

The offside rule is quite complicated too.

[Welshcookie 17]

[LenJayUS 0]

godsavethequeen, your an absolute chopfcuk. First you want to whine and complain in a thread you started, and then you find another threads to branch out to. Go shoot yourself please.

[godsavethequeen 0]

• Chuck Cohen is a California-based satirist

no sense of humour??? That is not whining.... arghhhhh

what is wrong with satire...

the first poster ain't getting shot down for folks sake........

and I do not own a GUN. Durrrrrrr

[LenJayUS 0]

the OP didn't start a thread whining about the US either... you just want to continue on moaning... and if you can't find a gun, go use one of your knives then.

If you don't like the US, don't move here. Have your wife move there.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

we have unattractive knees That was my fave bit - but..who DOES have attractrive knees?

[godsavethequeen 0]

I'm coming to North Carolina if the US will let me in?? So you can come and exercise your right to bare your arms and shoot me yourself.

I did not start this thread to slag off the US. I was slagging off being told that I can not express an opinion and to be quiet.

My knees are quite sweet and sexy but they're going to be scuffed up with all the grovelling one has to do round here.

Edited July 2, 2006 by godsavethequeen

[LenJayUS 0]

removed for TOS violation.

Edited July 3, 2006 by Captain Ewok

[Anyta Holland 1]

have I missed anything here?

The whole of the UK plays a lot of games that are only played here or only by commonwealth countries... Cricket springs to mind... It's also called World Series or Cup or whatever... So what are you on about godsavethequeen?

[godsavethequeen 0]

Cricket is not a world game. It is a stupid game for upper class twots!!

The topic was why america does not like soccer.....

not what games did the english transport to the common wealth??

[Anyta Holland 1]

Yeah it was out of topic, just like your comments were! Do you hate being criticised as well?

[godsavethequeen 0]

.......please criiticise away.

I ain't going to jump down anyones throat for expressing opinions as long as they listen to an opinion back.

It seems like I talk a different language to everyone else here sometimes, at least my American Wife understands, and actually has similiar ideas too.

[Chuckles 0]

The original post is funny, I liked it.

This other stuff... I like soccer/football and I am American, go figure ?!?!