Moroccan Men & Foreign Brides

[mybackpages 0]

With all the discussion over the problems of marrying a Moroccan man, its easy to get lost in the voices of those who keep stressing the visa issue. My fiance and I did not meet over the internet, but it doesn't stop people (well meaning as though they well be) to transfer their own fears or genrealizations to my relationship- that he could only love me to be getting a visa. I found this article (dated 2 years back) that I think is very insightful to the complexity of marriage, morocco and foreign women.

What do you think

VOLUME 17 NUMBER 4 FALL 2004

HOW ATLAS MEN MARRY

Chatting up single women all over the world

by Sharif Erik-Soussi

The Hajj and I generally keep our conversations limited to topics of health and weather because of either his disinterest or my poor Arabic. He may, on rare occasion, ask me if I worked that day, to which any response brings an “llyawn.” May God help you in your task. So it was of considerable surprise the day he asked me to teach him how to use the Internet. I couldn’t imagine that the Hajj, the grandfather of my hosting family, would have much use or much interest in the Internet. He has, on more than one occasion, seen me answering e-mail and asked me why there was no sound coming out of my “special television.”

I asked if he knew what the Internet was.

“No,” he replied. “But my wife is dead, and I know if you know how to use the Internet, you can marry a foreign bride.”

Taza, a city of about 200,000 nestled snugly in the only pass through the middle Atlas, has the blessing of a relatively high rate of education, the curse of higher unemployment and a glut of young people. The combination often forces its citizens to get creative to ensure a future. The easiest way is generally to leave, earn your money and then come back to take advantage of the low cost of living in Taza. But it’s not that easy in Morocco. People can’t just schlep off to the big city for a couple of years to earn their nest egg. Despite the western lifestyle available in Casablanca or Marrakech, getting even menial labor requires connections that most people in Taza just don’t have. Education and experience are often meaningless.

Given this, the emigration fever runs deeply. Indeed, one of the first things I noticed upon arriving here is that everyone wants to leave. Not that this is any different than other developing countries, but it’s more profound here in that the possibility is realistic enough to be tantalizing. Most younger Moroccans speak at least one European language fluently, and often several. You have only to go to Tangier to be able to see the coast of Spain. Every summer when Moroccans living in Europe have their holiday, they are welcomed back like conquering war heroes, the EU plates on their new cars a badge of honor. This is true everywhere in Morocco, but more so in Taza.

Following September 11, few in Taza could meet the more stringent U.S. immigration criteria, for example. Suddenly, just getting your diploma and applying for a visa to France or Belgium wasn’t a realistic option any more. Emigration became much more of a forbidden fruit. It didn’t take long for Moroccans to figure out that increasingly the most efficient way–often the only way–to get to a country with a currency worth earning is through marriage. But how to meet and marry a foreign woman? Enter: Internet chatting as the responsible career path for young jobless men.

From my understanding, it’s been about 10 years since the first Internet café sprung up in Taza, funded by a returned migrant from France looking for a low-maintenance low-risk investment for his European money. This is generally the story in Morocco. Most of the investment money is either old or foreign. Owners of cyber cafés are generally working-age men from wealthy families or returned migrants. Cyber cafés are popping up in Taza about once every couple of months, but demand still outweighs supply.

During the day, the cafés are generally quiet. The patrons may number no more than a few children playing generations-old video games while café employees pirate new music or movies for sale. But after the sun goes down and the town shakes off its afternoon siesta, the true character and purpose of the cyber café is revealed. What was in daylight a poorly ventilated room of 20 or 30 decade-old computers becomes the night-time hot spot of the town’s upwardly mobile younger class of males. There are always lines out the door.

Away from the oppressive heat of the town and 5 to 8 time zones ahead of the United States, these Internet Romeos try to catch women in the dregs of their workday who like to kill time before the end of the workday. Walk into any cyber café, and the scene is pretty much the same: Arabic pop blasting on an endless loop, children hawking single cigarettes and hard-boiled eggs, and a young man in sunglasses making kissy-face to a computer screen for the web cam. It looks like a Harrah’s casino with its bank of slot machines offering jackpots to lost souls. English classes are booming in popularity as the chatters, already fluent in French, look to tap into the enormous pool of singles in the United States. Those who already know their English find day work roaming cyber cafés helping chatters phrase a few romantic sentences. Groups of young Moroccan boys forego their movies and coffee shops to hang out with the café’s owner and discuss their prospects like fly fishermen in a tackle shop. Among the locals, the word “chat” is conjugated like an Arabic verb.

In small-town Morocco, the girls are frowned on if they leave the house for anything more than chores or visiting their relatives, especially in the evenings or where young men are at play in a cyber café. Women grow up under the greater prohibition against marrying a non-Muslim–it is religiously prohibited, culturally disgraceful and illegal. But women are now entering the cyber cafés, apparently frustrated with such a lifestyle. They tend to have less formal education and are, therefore, slower to adopt the chatting procedures. They enter wearing western clothes and makeup for the web cam. Generally, they do not appear to attach the same importance to acquiring a foreign spouse; they are more motivated by the social and entertainment value of the evening. Some, however, still hold out \the vague hope that they can find an immigrant Arab or Muslim somewhere in cyberspace for the sake of their families. Older women, and especially those who are no longer virgins, are more interested in a foreign spouse because they are less marriageable within the Muslim community. A woman who never marries does not live an enviable life in the Arab world.

The act of proposing to someone you have never met may sound ridiculous to many, but in Taza it happens. Inspired by the success stories of their friends or family, they are doing so in increasing numbers. Everyone I know knows someone that has married someone through the Internet. I’ve lived in Taza for a year and I know five men who have acquired internet brides.

In the Arab world, marriage has always been more of a contract than a joining of souls. There are certain things a man is supposed to do, certain things a woman is supposed to do, and if they can both do them successfully the deal is half done. They marry for the idea of what kind of life they will have with their spouse rather than how much they love one another. Love comes later, if at all. I had initially used this as a possible explanation for why people seemed, to my amazement, to be marrying carelessly fast. But a trip to the café with some friends revealed that it was more often the American on the other side of the screen that first raised the romantic intentions. What sounded initially like an orchestrated visa-centred manipulation turned out to be little more than taking advantage of a presented opportunity.

Living in a poor city does funny things to people. The desperation and frustration of it makes them believe in miracles, something from the outside world offering you a quick and permanent fix to a troubled existence. There is a well-known story of a poor Taza girl who was working on the assembly line of a local textile factory. She caught the eye of the factory owner, who had just flown in from Germany to see how the factory was doing. They married and now she occasionally visits her village in a Mercedes.

The folklore is not all encouraging. A young man who became engaged to what he thought was a 19-year-old rich girl quit his job, broke with his family and prepared for his one-way trip to the United States. To his shock and surprise, the woman he met at the airport was a 60-something woman recently widowed who had been chatting under her granddaughter’s profile. She had come to Morocco because her pension wasn’t enough to live on in the States. Embarrassed and without options he married the woman because she was the only meal ticket he had left. They now live a hermit-like existence, she unwilling to learn Arabic, he unwilling to face his former friends.

Many of the unions seem questionable at best. Call me insensitive, but I have a hard time believing that all the young men who are now commonly seen walking around Taza holding hands with women easily old enough to be their grandmothers would be doing so if there wasn’t a visa in the deal. I would sooner call them desperate measures for desperate times, and often did. But doing so ignores the larger truth that success stories are more common than marriages that end badly. More often than not, these young men make devoted and loving husbands and, increasingly, fathers. They work, they send money home to their parents and siblings, and they live their new life with some degree of success. It remains to be seen if they will ever return to this lovely little town in eastern Morocco, but having that choice certainly beats out living here bitterly.

Over a cup of mint tea, the owner of my local store told me about his best friend, Ali, who left for Florida to marry a woman he met through a chat program. Ali has done well with two businesses, a home furnishings store and selling large Allah-emblazoned pendants to hip hop fans in Los Angeles.

I met Ali when he came back to Taza for a visit.

We talked about his business, his new life in Florida, his youth in Taza. He said he was excited to get back to Florida.

“Worried about your business?” I asked.

“No” He replied. “I miss my wife.”

“Taza will always be dear to me, but it’s not home anymore. My home now is wherever she is.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sharif Erik-Soussi is a Peace Corps volunteer working in small-business development in Taza, Morocco.

[Together4ever 1]

Thanks for posting this. I think this would hold true for most of the ME/NA countries. It echoes what I saw in Egypt. I am delighted to see that it was added that these relationships, although not standard fare, often times are successful and not just "a road out".

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I've spent a lot of time in Morocco as my family has a compound there where we have a home away from home. I've discovered that more and more women, especially those in the cities, are looking for men over the internet. One of my aunts has done this, and an uncle's best friend met his Moroccan wife this way. Life in the small villages is lots more traditional than that in the cities, but the fact that the men are looking more out of Islam and out of Morocco for wives is a factor in driving women to also look out of Islam and out of Morocco for husbands too.

[~Jackie~ 30]

That was interesting. I had to laugh during the 'internet cafe' part. Before coming to America, Mohammed owned an internet cafe in Jordan. It was like in the article, slow during the day and it would come to life in the evening. Men chatting with their American girlfriends, each one in a different stage of their relationships.

Just because the man (or woman) wants out of their country does not mean they will also want out of the marriage. Yes, some do fail but there are 2 sides to every story. I would say most of the internet marriages work because you learn to love with your heart and words.

I met Mohammed online and not regretted it for a moment. He proposed online and off I flew to the middle-east. Am I fat and stuipd? No, I am a respected business person in my community. Did he leave me after getting his 10 year greencard? No, he didn't. In fact we are closer than ever and always making plans to better our lives together.

With all the talk here lately about men marrying for greencards, relax. So what if he did want a greencard? He may also want a happy, loving marriage to a good woman to go along with that card. Be that person and always remember what brought you together, will keep you together.

Jackie

[Together4ever 1]

So what if he did want a greencard? He may also want a happy, loving marriage to a good woman to go along with that card. Be that person and always remember what brought you together, will keep you together.

Jackie

YES YES YES YES YES YES... thank you! Beautifully stated.

[ohiobuck 0]

So what if he did want a greencard? He may also want a happy, loving marriage to a good woman to go along with that card. Be that person and always remember what brought you together, will keep you together.

Jackie

I agree, plus wouldn't any good husband want to do the best they can to support their wife and family. So why is it wrong for them to want a greencard and to better themselves? That will make life better not only for them but the woman and family they love. This is very human, and it makes no sense for someone to not want to better there life.

Paula

[chery_fouad_forever 0]

With all the discussion over the problems of marrying a Moroccan man, its easy to get lost in the voices of those who keep stressing the visa issue. My fiance and I did not meet over the internet, but it doesn't stop people (well meaning as though they well be) to transfer their own fears or genrealizations to my relationship- that he could only love me to be getting a visa. I found this article (dated 2 years back) that I think is very insightful to the complexity of marriage, morocco and foreign women.

What do you think

VOLUME 17 NUMBER 4 FALL 2004

HOW ATLAS MEN MARRY

Chatting up single women all over the world

by Sharif Erik-Soussi

The Hajj and I generally keep our conversations limited to topics of health and weather because of either his disinterest or my poor Arabic. He may, on rare occasion, ask me if I worked that day, to which any response brings an “llyawn.” May God help you in your task. So it was of considerable surprise the day he asked me to teach him how to use the Internet. I couldn’t imagine that the Hajj, the grandfather of my hosting family, would have much use or much interest in the Internet. He has, on more than one occasion, seen me answering e-mail and asked me why there was no sound coming out of my “special television.”

I asked if he knew what the Internet was.

“No,” he replied. “But my wife is dead, and I know if you know how to use the Internet, you can marry a foreign bride.”

Taza, a city of about 200,000 nestled snugly in the only pass through the middle Atlas, has the blessing of a relatively high rate of education, the curse of higher unemployment and a glut of young people. The combination often forces its citizens to get creative to ensure a future. The easiest way is generally to leave, earn your money and then come back to take advantage of the low cost of living in Taza. But it’s not that easy in Morocco. People can’t just schlep off to the big city for a couple of years to earn their nest egg. Despite the western lifestyle available in Casablanca or Marrakech, getting even menial labor requires connections that most people in Taza just don’t have. Education and experience are often meaningless.

Given this, the emigration fever runs deeply. Indeed, one of the first things I noticed upon arriving here is that everyone wants to leave. Not that this is any different than other developing countries, but it’s more profound here in that the possibility is realistic enough to be tantalizing. Most younger Moroccans speak at least one European language fluently, and often several. You have only to go to Tangier to be able to see the coast of Spain. Every summer when Moroccans living in Europe have their holiday, they are welcomed back like conquering war heroes, the EU plates on their new cars a badge of honor. This is true everywhere in Morocco, but more so in Taza.

Following September 11, few in Taza could meet the more stringent U.S. immigration criteria, for example. Suddenly, just getting your diploma and applying for a visa to France or Belgium wasn’t a realistic option any more. Emigration became much more of a forbidden fruit. It didn’t take long for Moroccans to figure out that increasingly the most efficient way–often the only way–to get to a country with a currency worth earning is through marriage. But how to meet and marry a foreign woman? Enter: Internet chatting as the responsible career path for young jobless men.

From my understanding, it’s been about 10 years since the first Internet café sprung up in Taza, funded by a returned migrant from France looking for a low-maintenance low-risk investment for his European money. This is generally the story in Morocco. Most of the investment money is either old or foreign. Owners of cyber cafés are generally working-age men from wealthy families or returned migrants. Cyber cafés are popping up in Taza about once every couple of months, but demand still outweighs supply.

During the day, the cafés are generally quiet. The patrons may number no more than a few children playing generations-old video games while café employees pirate new music or movies for sale. But after the sun goes down and the town shakes off its afternoon siesta, the true character and purpose of the cyber café is revealed. What was in daylight a poorly ventilated room of 20 or 30 decade-old computers becomes the night-time hot spot of the town’s upwardly mobile younger class of males. There are always lines out the door.

Away from the oppressive heat of the town and 5 to 8 time zones ahead of the United States, these Internet Romeos try to catch women in the dregs of their workday who like to kill time before the end of the workday. Walk into any cyber café, and the scene is pretty much the same: Arabic pop blasting on an endless loop, children hawking single cigarettes and hard-boiled eggs, and a young man in sunglasses making kissy-face to a computer screen for the web cam. It looks like a Harrah’s casino with its bank of slot machines offering jackpots to lost souls. English classes are booming in popularity as the chatters, already fluent in French, look to tap into the enormous pool of singles in the United States. Those who already know their English find day work roaming cyber cafés helping chatters phrase a few romantic sentences. Groups of young Moroccan boys forego their movies and coffee shops to hang out with the café’s owner and discuss their prospects like fly fishermen in a tackle shop. Among the locals, the word “chat” is conjugated like an Arabic verb.

In small-town Morocco, the girls are frowned on if they leave the house for anything more than chores or visiting their relatives, especially in the evenings or where young men are at play in a cyber café. Women grow up under the greater prohibition against marrying a non-Muslim–it is religiously prohibited, culturally disgraceful and illegal. But women are now entering the cyber cafés, apparently frustrated with such a lifestyle. They tend to have less formal education and are, therefore, slower to adopt the chatting procedures. They enter wearing western clothes and makeup for the web cam. Generally, they do not appear to attach the same importance to acquiring a foreign spouse; they are more motivated by the social and entertainment value of the evening. Some, however, still hold out \the vague hope that they can find an immigrant Arab or Muslim somewhere in cyberspace for the sake of their families. Older women, and especially those who are no longer virgins, are more interested in a foreign spouse because they are less marriageable within the Muslim community. A woman who never marries does not live an enviable life in the Arab world.

The act of proposing to someone you have never met may sound ridiculous to many, but in Taza it happens. Inspired by the success stories of their friends or family, they are doing so in increasing numbers. Everyone I know knows someone that has married someone through the Internet. I’ve lived in Taza for a year and I know five men who have acquired internet brides.

In the Arab world, marriage has always been more of a contract than a joining of souls. There are certain things a man is supposed to do, certain things a woman is supposed to do, and if they can both do them successfully the deal is half done. They marry for the idea of what kind of life they will have with their spouse rather than how much they love one another. Love comes later, if at all. I had initially used this as a possible explanation for why people seemed, to my amazement, to be marrying carelessly fast. But a trip to the café with some friends revealed that it was more often the American on the other side of the screen that first raised the romantic intentions. What sounded initially like an orchestrated visa-centred manipulation turned out to be little more than taking advantage of a presented opportunity.

Living in a poor city does funny things to people. The desperation and frustration of it makes them believe in miracles, something from the outside world offering you a quick and permanent fix to a troubled existence. There is a well-known story of a poor Taza girl who was working on the assembly line of a local textile factory. She caught the eye of the factory owner, who had just flown in from Germany to see how the factory was doing. They married and now she occasionally visits her village in a Mercedes.

The folklore is not all encouraging. A young man who became engaged to what he thought was a 19-year-old rich girl quit his job, broke with his family and prepared for his one-way trip to the United States. To his shock and surprise, the woman he met at the airport was a 60-something woman recently widowed who had been chatting under her granddaughter’s profile. She had come to Morocco because her pension wasn’t enough to live on in the States. Embarrassed and without options he married the woman because she was the only meal ticket he had left. They now live a hermit-like existence, she unwilling to learn Arabic, he unwilling to face his former friends.

Many of the unions seem questionable at best. Call me insensitive, but I have a hard time believing that all the young men who are now commonly seen walking around Taza holding hands with women easily old enough to be their grandmothers would be doing so if there wasn’t a visa in the deal. I would sooner call them desperate measures for desperate times, and often did. But doing so ignores the larger truth that success stories are more common than marriages that end badly. More often than not, these young men make devoted and loving husbands and, increasingly, fathers. They work, they send money home to their parents and siblings, and they live their new life with some degree of success. It remains to be seen if they will ever return to this lovely little town in eastern Morocco, but having that choice certainly beats out living here bitterly.

Over a cup of mint tea, the owner of my local store told me about his best friend, Ali, who left for Florida to marry a woman he met through a chat program. Ali has done well with two businesses, a home furnishings store and selling large Allah-emblazoned pendants to hip hop fans in Los Angeles.

I met Ali when he came back to Taza for a visit.

We talked about his business, his new life in Florida, his youth in Taza. He said he was excited to get back to Florida.

“Worried about your business?” I asked.

“No” He replied. “I miss my wife.”

“Taza will always be dear to me, but it’s not home anymore. My home now is wherever she is.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sharif Erik-Soussi is a Peace Corps volunteer working in small-business development in Taza, Morocco.

Well I found this very understandable. My fiance is from Taza, lol. We did meet online but both were not looking for anyone we were listening to music and just started talking because we were in the same room. And we talked everynight since then. I have visited Morocco 3 times now and the last two visits were to Taza. I did see so many cyber cafes there and when we used them they were mostly frequented by men. I myself know of 6-8 couples that their DH/DF are from Taza and still going through the visa process. People have their different views as to why I am with him, but my view is as follows. He was never married before, never had any children, and is a wonderful, caring, respectful, loving man I have ever met. His only wish in this life is to live with me and "our children" forever. He knew I have nothing but myself and my kids. His undying love is amazing. People say how do u know he isn't using u for a visa, I say because we are as one. All you have to do is look into his eyes and you know. I have been married before 2 times. once for a few years and the 2nd time for 12 years. No one in all my life has made me feel so loved like he does. Oh, I guess I got off track, lol. Sorry. Anyway, yes there are alot of cyber cafes and alot of men seeking to leave the country. But can you blame them? They just want a better life.

[bornot2b 0]

Thank you for this posting! It gives a realistic look, that in no way suggest fraud. Two ppl sharing the same dream of building something wonderful, nutured with love.

[yassmine2878 1]

I agree, thanks for posting Well-written article, too. I enjoyed the read.

[Elizabethnhenry 0]

So what if he did want a greencard? He may also want a happy, loving marriage to a good woman to go along with that card. Be that person and always remember what brought you together, will keep you together.

Jackie

YES YES YES YES YES YES... thank you! Beautifully stated.

double ditto

[deeshla 0]

With all the talk here lately about men marrying for greencards, relax. So what if he did want a greencard? He may also want a happy, loving marriage to a good woman to go along with that card. Be that person and always remember what brought you together, will keep you together.

I think that is naive. How can those two go together? I know some of these men and love is invented as they go along in an overblown romantic sort of way. Marriage, I thought, was about partnership and respect and friendship. Love and romance figure in strongly too - but this is something not easily fused in the Moroccan culture. Men and women are married in mostly arranged marriages. Western women are "outside the fold" of the Moroccan social structure and are thus "easier" and free. The religious conscience is soothed by knowing she must be a Christian, at least marginally. It is more of a business contract. Man gets a visa and a new life and access to money. Woman gets overblown romantic husband and fantasies fulfilled.

It is all very strange and I keep waiting for a sociologist to write a book about it. By the way, I personally know the man, Sharif, who wrote this article. He married a Moroccan woman and I married a Moroccan man -- so I am not throwing stones -- I just see so much of this that iit s starting to get ridculous.

Deeshla

[Together4ever 1]

With all the talk here lately about men marrying for greencards, relax. So what if he did want a greencard? He may also want a happy, loving marriage to a good woman to go along with that card. Be that person and always remember what brought you together, will keep you together.

I think that is naive. How can those two go together? I know some of these men and love is invented as they go along in an overblown romantic sort of way. Marriage, I thought, was about partnership and respect and friendship. Love and romance figure in strongly too - but this is something not easily fused in the Moroccan culture. Men and women are married in mostly arranged marriages. Western women are "outside the fold" of the Moroccan social structure and are thus "easier" and free. The religious conscience is soothed by knowing she must be a Christian, at least marginally. It is more of a business contract. Man gets a visa and a new life and access to money. Woman gets overblown romantic husband and fantasies fulfilled.

It is all very strange and I keep waiting for a sociologist to write a book about it. By the way, I personally know the man, Sharif, who wrote this article. He married a Moroccan woman and I married a Moroccan man -- so I am not throwing stones -- I just see so much of this that iit s starting to get ridculous.

Deeshla

Maybe for some and not for others. Not all fingers on the hand are the same.

[iceyspots 0]

With all the talk here lately about men marrying for greencards, relax. So what if he did want a greencard? He may also want a happy, loving marriage to a good woman to go along with that card. Be that person and always remember what brought you together, will keep you together.

I think that is naive. How can those two go together? I know some of these men and love is invented as they go along in an overblown romantic sort of way. Marriage, I thought, was about partnership and respect and friendship. Love and romance figure in strongly too - but this is something not easily fused in the Moroccan culture. Men and women are married in mostly arranged marriages. Western women are "outside the fold" of the Moroccan social structure and are thus "easier" and free. The religious conscience is soothed by knowing she must be a Christian, at least marginally. It is more of a business contract. Man gets a visa and a new life and access to money. Woman gets overblown romantic husband and fantasies fulfilled.

It is all very strange and I keep waiting for a sociologist to write a book about it. By the way, I personally know the man, Sharif, who wrote this article. He married a Moroccan woman and I married a Moroccan man -- so I am not throwing stones -- I just see so much of this that iit s starting to get ridculous.

Deeshla

Maybe for some and not for others. Not all fingers on the hand are the same.

If I had a nickel for every time I've heard "Not all fingers on the hand are the same" I'd be rich ! LOL

[Together4ever 1]

Yep, Icy, me too. But there is a wee bit of truth in it.

[iceyspots 0]

Tahya Djazayer

Edited June 27, 2006 by iceyspots