Trouble in love life

[Bub 0]

Hello,

I have been in a relationship with a Dominican for nearly three years. We decided to get married in June of 2008. We had had problems but we were in love and I tried to live in the D.R.--couldn't make it work, so I moved back to U.S. and he could not get a renewed tourist visa or come here in any other way. So we started the immigration process to bring him here with the I-130. Since we were married we have had major problems. I still love this man, but I am tired of the constant stress, the lack of respect, his bad temper, the financial drain he has put on me because of bad decisions. It's hard to know which of these will change when we can live together again in the U.S. in healthy conditions as a married couple. Anyway, I was in Cuba recently without him, and I am well aware that Cubans can play foreigners very well, but I met the most amazing man. I can't stop thinking about him and when I tried to tell my husband what had happened and I needed time to think about what I wanted to do, he lost it, threatened suicide, promised to change anything and everything, and is trying to keep as his wife. I don't understand how I can feel like I love two men, and I never wanted anything other than one husband for my whole life. I don't like divorce and think it happens way too often, but here I find myself contemplating divorce. My problem is, I never went to Cuba legally, I don't know if things will even work out with the Cuban, but mostly, if I am processing for my husband now...what will immigration say if I get a divorce and then file for a fiance visa for the Cuban in the next year? Will I ever have a chance of making it work? Part of me thinks I could make my marriage work and be happy, but part of me worries I will always wonder if I could have had something better with this Cuban who is much more educated, much more stable, and just seems to be a better match for me? I just want to know my options before I make any decisions. But any advice in this would be appreciated. I am trying to start seeing a therapist as I really do feel confused and lost. Thanks.

[Old Dominion 26]

Your therapist probably has better advice than this. You should consider separating the matter of your marriage from any thought of getting your Cuban friend a visa. The two issues are inter-related, but you need to choose first whether or not to end the marriage. Don't let your husband's behavior be his weapon to control you in this. Once you are divorced, then you can attend to the fiance visa petition with a clean slate. By then perhaps you will know more about the charming Cuban? Getting a fiance visa after a divorce should not be difficult, all other things being equal.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

seriously?

[childress_london 3]

The grass is always greener....

[Ban Hammer 13,206]

takes a front row seat and grabs the

moved from K-1 Fiance(e) Visa Process & Procedures General Discussion to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits

[luckytxn 2,264]

Talk about being dysfunctional.

[Loolie 56]

in my opinion try to make the marriage work..you just got married last june...i think marriage should be two...and in one point i guess you are not working with your relationship too..its not just what you see about your husband that can make you decide for divorce..you are still in the adjusment process..and i think you are just making an excuse because you have another guy..its like..."now i see what he is im gonna find another wonderful guy..." what if you will see the true color of the other guy then you will divorce again?...your marriage is still not even a year..heller...

thats why many people get divorce because of people like you..learn to sacrifice...some people always want it the easy way and whats comfortable to them.

God bless you.

[luckytxn 2,264]

takes a front row seat and grabs the

moved from K-1 Fiance(e) Visa Process & Procedures General Discussion to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits

Should have put this in OT. I bet we could have gotten 20-30 pages in no time.

[Beautiful_years 0]

I think this cuban might be a distraction for you.

Marriage is hard work, its as sweet as it is sour untill you find a way to navigate though it, the main key being love.

You should also realise that you are both two people with conflicting ideas trying to be one....conflicts will arise, there would be out bursts and bad behaviours but with patience, love, trust and understanding most times it works out. If he was the way he is now when you both met would you have married him? He changed now yes but is there a reason for the change?

Is the distance, not having access to his wife day and night except thru the opaque screen with key boards a nd cell phones getting to him?

computers dont fill the void of a loved one, neither does phone calls or webcams, its just a substitute, the only thing you have in the absence of physical contact

You saw something in him before getting married to him, love sometimes superceeds qualifications, education, sophistication, etc, thats why people love without a common language.

Atleast you know how your man is and you also know that distant relationships are draining, upsetting and can cause problems where there is none. Why dont you go over and spend more time with him or try to make things work? why not try to put in efforts to resolve the immigration problems so he can come be with you?

I am not telling you what to do just stating my opinion.

Truely the grass is always greener on the other side, especially when you have problems with the one you are with, but if you really sit and analyse the situation you ll notice some obvious loopholes in your actions too both morally, emotionally and physically.

My point is the mistakes and problems cant come from one person only, even if his actions might have caused the reaction.

About filing for the cuban guy next year, if thats what you have decided to do, then you would need to cancel your pending application now, go to cuba legally since you said you went ther illegally before so as to establish meeting him within the last 2yrs, take as much pictures as you can document evidences that you ll need to file for a fiancee visa for him.

Return and start the process. If you want help with the foorms and requirements you ll also find that here.

But be wise, look before you leap. Thats my $0.02

[sereia 0]

Wow. I say don't do anything drastic for now, keep seeing a therapist faithfully, and see what happens. Its easy for us here on VJ to say dump them both! But we aren't in your shoes. I always wondered what happens to people who go to Cuba illegally and then want to file to bring their new SO here??!? Hmmm...

[notime4haterz 0]

Wow. I say don't do anything drastic for now, keep seeing a therapist faithfully, and see what happens. Its easy for us here on VJ to say dump them both! But we aren't in your shoes. I always wondered what happens to people who go to Cuba illegally and then want to file to bring their new SO here??!? Hmmm...

My boss's husband was from Cuba. He ended up going to her original country (in Africa) and then she brought him over from there. I don't know though, she mentioned that they were changing the laws to allow the Cubans to come. Don't know when that would happen.

[William33 110]

You have an extremely difficult immigration case on your hands now, if you choose option 2. I strongly suggest you consult with a "very" competent immigration attorney at this stage....You will have extraordinary troubles ahead.

All the best.

[edmagenta5 0]

okey,.hum, that is a very difficult decision you have to go through..my advice is that you should look through it first before you jump into something big again. You may want to work things out with your husband first, but if nothing changed then its time to end it.. then you said that you have found a new one because you were unhappy with husband, just let your husband go if you will feel miserable with him for the rest of your life..but don't petition the other guy yet,.lyk people say it is better to know the best of him first.. divorce is common in america and it is no biggie that some people don't understand.. I hope you will find someone who will make you happy in the future and if it is the new guy then good luck..I say take it easy and end the husband thing first.. I hope you get to know the other guy well.. you may find someone in america you don't have to petition.. take it easy and the right one may be around the corner.. be happy..

Hello,

I have been in a relationship with a Dominican for nearly three years. We decided to get married in June of 2008. We had had problems but we were in love and I tried to live in the D.R.--couldn't make it work, so I moved back to U.S. and he could not get a renewed tourist visa or come here in any other way. So we started the immigration process to bring him here with the I-130. Since we were married we have had major problems. I still love this man, but I am tired of the constant stress, the lack of respect, his bad temper, the financial drain he has put on me because of bad decisions. It's hard to know which of these will change when we can live together again in the U.S. in healthy conditions as a married couple. Anyway, I was in Cuba recently without him, and I am well aware that Cubans can play foreigners very well, but I met the most amazing man. I can't stop thinking about him and when I tried to tell my husband what had happened and I needed time to think about what I wanted to do, he lost it, threatened suicide, promised to change anything and everything, and is trying to keep as his wife. I don't understand how I can feel like I love two men, and I never wanted anything other than one husband for my whole life. I don't like divorce and think it happens way too often, but here I find myself contemplating divorce. My problem is, I never went to Cuba legally, I don't know if things will even work out with the Cuban, but mostly, if I am processing for my husband now...what will immigration say if I get a divorce and then file for a fiance visa for the Cuban in the next year? Will I ever have a chance of making it work? Part of me thinks I could make my marriage work and be happy, but part of me worries I will always wonder if I could have had something better with this Cuban who is much more educated, much more stable, and just seems to be a better match for me? I just want to know my options before I make any decisions. But any advice in this would be appreciated. I am trying to start seeing a therapist as I really do feel confused and lost. Thanks.

[Cham 3]

My question is THIS:

IF you knew it was not going to work..( dont care if you were in *love or not) and you had problems from the start. WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED. Now your in a huge pickle of a mess. Sorry girl but WOW you REALLY dug a hole. The first rule of thumb. DO NOT ever look to the backyard of another till YOUR messy yard is fully cleaned

I agree may I have some popcorn??

[kitteh 1]

I'm also concerned about the fact that you knew that you and the Dominican were having problems before marriage but decided to go ahead with it anyhow on account of "love.' Unfortunately love is not strong enough to change habits, especially in fully grown adults. If you aren't happy when you're dating the guy you certainly won't be happy when you're married to him.

What concerns me here is your fairytale ideals which caused you to try the marriage even though you had problems. It leads me to believe that you'd have problems with the Cuban too, just because you're probably idealizing him now. I agree that you have to deal with the two situations separately. If you divorce the Dominican do it because you're sure it won't work out with him EVER, not because you think you might have found someone better. Because now you're focusing on the Cuban's traits which are different and "better" than the traits of your husband, but those traits might not seem so great without your current husband to act as the foil. You need some objectivity here, and I definitely suggest you spend more time with the therapist before taking ANY further action.