My Marriage is in Trouble

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

Hello All,

Here's my background:

I have been a member of VJ for about 2 years now. I changed my screen name and account to be annonymous and also my husband knew about my last screen name and reviewed those posts on here so I wanted to be able to freely write without him knowing.

We met 2 years ago, married after little less than a year of first meeting. Petitioned thru CR1 and now he is here about 2 months. Before he came we have had issues and arguments. My husband says I am not affectionate, or loving or nuturing like a woman should be. I dont agree completely with him. I dont think i am a mushy mushy type but i do love him and show him affection. Holding his hand in public walking arm and arm. Going up to him for hugs, wanting to spend lots of time with him. I currently am the only one working cause he is new here. He comes from a country where the US dollar was far higher than his own so I visited him in his country many times before he came. I work everyday and have major stress with deadlines yet I make sure to call him throughout the day. I come home at a decent hour and cook cause he does not do that most days. I cook for him serve his food, keep a clean and homely house, give him money weekly, talk to him about his day and mine, and before we started having such problems, we had sex at least 4 times a week...some days I was just emotionally and physically spent. He says none of this matter if he is not happy with me.

He says he is not happy with me cause he is not in love with me. He is not in love with me cause I am not affectionate enough for him. I do not have "freaky" sex everytime we have sex. His idea of freaky is different positions and oral. Ok I can do that no problem, but its a learning vurve for me. Should he make me feel like i am horrible in bed if I am not having this freaky sex. If we do it often but just not to his likening everytime. Shouldnt I be comfortable during such an act of making love to my husband?

He has threatened divorce about 5 times in the course of our marriage. 2 times before he evn got here. He has said that he should not have gotten married so soon, that he was not ready. He has also told me he is not in love with me. He cares for me but does not have that passionate feeling cause I do not bring it out of him. So in turn he gets very angry with me cause he feels its my fault that he does not have that feeling. Is it my fault. Am i doing something wrong? I wear sexy lingerie to spice things up, and he hardly comments says "oh you always do that". So then i feel me doing that is not appreciated. I have found him looking at singles ads on the internet. He appologized for this, but not til after he saw how much it hurt me. He says its just curiosity as to what other people want and do in their relationships to see if there are things i should be doing for him in our relationship to bring that loving feeling back.

I have been left to feel inadequate. Unsexy. Not beautiful. Hopeless in this marriage, and as if I cannot even keep my man happy or satisfied enough to continue loving me. Like I do not deserve love until he is fully satisfied. At the same time I feel like, yes I can do more in the relationship yet I am doing SO MUCH as it is now, and its feels as though its in vain an he does not appreciate it.

He says he is unhappy cause he does not love me and that he feel unfullfilled in the relationship and that he cannot give me more until i give him more....is that fair? I am not sure?

He has put me down by saying that I am not womanly, too "loose", not affectionate towards him, that i had odor once..over a year ago when we had sex. Says that it was a mistake to marry me, that he is not in love with me, and that I am the sole reason he is not happy. I have driven him to be curious to other women on singles sites. As you can see this is crushing to a womans spirit, sexuality, and confidence, and makes it that much harder to keep giving and doing for him, especially when he says that he knows he's wrong but cant give me anything more until I make him feel better in the relationship first.

I am not sure how to feel. Is this normal for people to go thru these things in marriage? Should I just toughen up after all he has said and done to me and try to move past it and continue to give him love in hopes that this will spark him to love me back? Should I seperate from him, and let him miss what he truly has in me? I am a good woman. I would do anything for my husband yet I am feeling very foolish for thinking this way when he makes me feel so bad. I dont want to be stupid and naive so I ask your opinions. Is this right?

I wanted a marriage and future family of our own. A partnership. I feel like all I am getting is a list of demands and anxiety. I feel like I walk on egg shells with him hoping that when I see joy in his face that it will last. I am really lonely in this marriage and sad and disappointed. I am starting to think he was right and that we should not have gotten married. But now we are and i want to fix it but dont know if it is fixable.

Please help.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I dont think its normal to tell your wife you are not in love with her.

This is what strikes me the most, of all that you wrote.

I dont have any advise, Im sorry you are going through this and I hope you guys can reach a decision that is for the best.

Lisa

[TayRivers 4]

Hello All,

Here's my background:

I have been a member of VJ for about 2 years now. I changed my screen name and account to be annonymous and also my husband knew about my last screen name and reviewed those posts on here so I wanted to be able to freely write without him knowing.

We met 2 years ago, married after little less than a year of first meeting. Petitioned thru CR1 and now he is here about 2 months. Before he came we have had issues and arguments. My husband says I am not affectionate, or loving or nuturing like a woman should be. I dont agree completely with him. I dont think i am a mushy mushy type but i do love him and show him affection. Holding his hand in public walking arm and arm. Going up to him for hugs, wanting to spend lots of time with him. I currently am the only one working cause he is new here. He comes from a country where the US dollar was far higher than his own so I visited him in his country many times before he came. I work everyday and have major stress with deadlines yet I make sure to call him throughout the day. I come home at a decent hour and cook cause he does not do that most days. I cook for him serve his food, keep a clean and homely house, give him money weekly, talk to him about his day and mine, and before we started having such problems, we had sex at least 4 times a week...some days I was just emotionally and physically spent. He says none of this matter if he is not happy with me.

He says he is not happy with me cause he is not in love with me. He is not in love with me cause I am not affectionate enough for him. I do not have "freaky" sex everytime we have sex. His idea of freaky is different positions and oral. Ok I can do that no problem, but its a learning vurve for me. Should he make me feel like i am horrible in bed if I am not having this freaky sex. If we do it often but just not to his likening everytime. Shouldnt I be comfortable during such an act of making love to my husband?

He has threatened divorce about 5 times in the course of our marriage. 2 times before he evn got here. He has said that he should not have gotten married so soon, that he was not ready. He has also told me he is not in love with me. He cares for me but does not have that passionate feeling cause I do not bring it out of him. So in turn he gets very angry with me cause he feels its my fault that he does not have that feeling. Is it my fault. Am i doing something wrong? I wear sexy lingerie to spice things up, and he hardly comments says "oh you always do that". So then i feel me doing that is not appreciated. I have found him looking at singles ads on the internet. He appologized for this, but not til after he saw how much it hurt me. He says its just curiosity as to what other people want and do in their relationships to see if there are things i should be doing for him in our relationship to bring that loving feeling back.

I have been left to feel inadequate. Unsexy. Not beautiful. Hopeless in this marriage, and as if I cannot even keep my man happy or satisfied enough to continue loving me. Like I do not deserve love until he is fully satisfied. At the same time I feel like, yes I can do more in the relationship yet I am doing SO MUCH as it is now, and its feels as though its in vain an he does not appreciate it.

He says he is unhappy cause he does not love me and that he feel unfullfilled in the relationship and that he cannot give me more until i give him more....is that fair? I am not sure?

He has put me down by saying that I am not womanly, too "loose", not affectionate towards him, that i had odor once..over a year ago when we had sex. Says that it was a mistake to marry me, that he is not in love with me, and that I am the sole reason he is not happy. I have driven him to be curious to other women on singles sites. As you can see this is crushing to a womans spirit, sexuality, and confidence, and makes it that much harder to keep giving and doing for him, especially when he says that he knows he's wrong but cant give me anything more until I make him feel better in the relationship first.

I am not sure how to feel. Is this normal for people to go thru these things in marriage? Should I just toughen up after all he has said and done to me and try to move past it and continue to give him love in hopes that this will spark him to love me back? Should I seperate from him, and let him miss what he truly has in me? I am a good woman. I would do anything for my husband yet I am feeling very foolish for thinking this way when he makes me feel so bad. I dont want to be stupid and naive so I ask your opinions. Is this right?

I wanted a marriage and future family of our own. A partnership. I feel like all I am getting is a list of demands and anxiety. I feel like I walk on egg shells with him hoping that when I see joy in his face that it will last. I am really lonely in this marriage and sad and disappointed. I am starting to think he was right and that we should not have gotten married. But now we are and i want to fix it but dont know if it is fixable.

Please help.

No Man has the right to make you feel like your husband is making you fell right now. He can not demand you have sex his way, If you do not feel comfortable doing something then he should never hold it against you. He is blaming you for his issues when he should be trying to find ways to make the marriage work for both of you.

I would walk away from this man, you do not deserve to be treated in this way, you are equal partners in the marriage not his slave.

Make sure you have somewhere safe you can go if things turn sour.

Be Safe. you deserve much better than he is giving you.

Edited December 15, 2008 by TayRivers

[rika60607 215]

What your husband is doing is called psychological abuse.

You can

(1) divorce and have a normal life, hopefully meet someone nice, or

(2) stop cooking and cleaning, instead you take care of your own health and beauty, stop giving him money or giving sh*t about him, start dating guys who make you feel beautiful and wanted,

Well, then either he divorces you, or he becomes jealous and falls in love with you again... or,

(3) Seek marriage counceling

[Jenn! 918]

I hate to jump to conclusions, but from what you've written here my gut is telling me that he was not invested in this marriage from the start and is now trying to create the illusion that the marriage has turned bad and somehow that is your fault.

I would tell you to run before you take any more blows to your self-esteem.

[Sandrila 1]

Hi

I too am sorry to hear this

It is one thing for a spouse to give tips on how to spice up the love life or disagree on issues and try to

find answers to resolve them BUT to be so cruel and make your spouse feel inadequate especially when

you are doing so over and beyond for them.

I made a comment on a thread earlier about the RIGHT for people to be happy.

We all fall in love and hope for the best but just because you are married doesnt mean you need to suffer abuse, whether it be verbal or physical.

relationships that endure immigration are not like the other standard relationships, because at first most time is spent being apart and not having the time to truly know your spouse. Once the spouse comes there is an adjusting period and a "re-getting to know each other".

with all what is on tv and in magazines it is no wonder alot of men want a certain "kind" of woman and normal good women cannot possibly live up to the man's expectations.

You need to do what feels natural for you. How are you supposed to feel comfortable and open up in the bedroom when he is putting you down and telling you it is not enough?

Relationships are not easy. They are alot of work. There needs to be total communication.

I hope that you are able to convey your feelings and find resolution in your marriage.

It is NOT however, only your resposibility to make things work. It sounds to me that you have done more than enough already and he should be greatful to have a woman like you. If there is no resolution or happiness you give it your best shot but then what can you do? Live all your life unhappy and hoping your husband doesnt wander?

This is not a sign of a man who is truly loving for the true vows of marriage.

Good luck dear

Edited December 15, 2008 by sandrila

[sara..... 371]

well im not married and have no clue about sex before or after marraige but i have my own ideas maybe wrong maybe right i dont know but i dont think that a man has the right to say he dont love u just cuz HE is having some problems sexually. Does that mean that he would love u again if his sexual problems are resolved?

love is about more than sex sure im told its a big part of marraige and im looking forward to finding out but i think that love has to do with a whole lot more than sex.

and the reason i say his sexual problem is because i dont hear u complaining about the sex but about every other word was his complaints

i have no idea if this is a mena man or not but if it is or isnt he has a lot of growing up to do and he is for sure treating u wrong.

men need to try to be understanding if the wife is working and dead beat when she returns home it kind of seems to me like he expects u to just cheer up when u first get home and no time to relax and unwind what does he do all day long? if he works i have nothing to say but if he is not able to work yet what is he doing all day long while ur working? maybe he should think about cooking u a romantic dinner and taken care of some of ur needs before he starts in on what u dont do to his satisfaction?

sorry hope i didnt upset anyone but it is what i feel

sara

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

[wakeywakeup 1]

Hello All,

Thanks for repsonding so quickly. I was sitting waiting for someone to respond cause I feel so lost and unable to talk to anyone about this. You help me alot.

Yes I do feel like its psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. I can say, I am not perfect....but I really am not a bad woman at all. I try to give 100% of my ability and sometimes 100% may only look like 50% but at least I am giving my all while aware that i can give more. From being on VJ, I have read the horror stories of being used and I often times think that maybe this is my case. I dont want that to be but i realy dont understand how things can go so sour so fast. I keep looking to myself wondering if I am doing something wrong and not being like other wives. Thats why I ask you all if this is normal. I am embarrassed to talk to family cause they all thought i was stupid to marry him cause we met in his country and they thought he would use me, or they made judgements that men from his country and controlling to women and mean and that he wanted a GC. I defended him to the death. I am a very attractive woman. Have no problem meeting men, so he did not charm me in any way, I just really like his personality, he was attractive, he shared my views on our faith and seemed like someone who was very passionate. But now...its all changed. I feel like a horrible ugly woman....never felt that in ly life. I walk around thinking I am not pretty, and that I cannot keep a husband and that I dont deserve love. Is he using me or did he really fall so out of love so quickly?

LOVE DOESN"T HURT

[Sweet_Seoul 0]

well im not married and have no clue about sex before or after marraige but i have my own ideas maybe wrong maybe right i dont know but i dont think that a man has the right to say he dont love u just cuz HE is having some problems sexually. Does that mean that he would love u again if his sexual problems are resolved?

love is about more than sex sure im told its a big part of marraige and im looking forward to finding out but i think that love has to do with a whole lot more than sex.

and the reason i say his sexual problem is because i dont hear u complaining about the sex but about every other word was his complaints

i have no idea if this is a mena man or not but if it is or isnt he has a lot of growing up to do and he is for sure treating u wrong.

men need to try to be understanding if the wife is working and dead beat when she returns home it kind of seems to me like he expects u to just cheer up when u first get home and no time to relax and unwind what does he do all day long? sara

Thank you for your response.

He has told me that yes he would learn to love me again if he was sexually satisfied. I dont think that is right either, but he says that a man weighs his relationship heavily on how satisfied he is in the bedroom and that if the bedroom is good then other problems in the relationship dont affect him as much and that he is overall more happy.

No he is not a MENA man, but he is from a developing country where women are known to do above and beyond for their men, and men are still known to stray. I guess he does not see me as being this person who's sole life is to make him happy....which is how most women in his country are because they do not work, just stay home with kids, cook clean, satisfy in the bedroom...even if they know their man in cheating...they evntually take him back.

Yes I do work everyday, its just what most women do in this country. I am not defined by my career so I am not an overly dependent women whos job comes before her marriage. I'd love to be at home and he works. Its not possible now. He is not working....still looking. He spends his day at home, or looking for jobs out in the neighborhood. He does make the bed and do laundry...doesnt fold it, but when i call him thru the day he asks what I am making for dinner. I come home and cook...even though he may cook once a week. Once he got mad at me for not serving him a drink even though i came home from work cooked and served him a meal. he also got mad when we went to a movie, that i paid for or course and when I went to go get popcorn and drink he got mad that I chose a drink he did not like I just feel like he doesnt appreciate things or see the sacrifice.....that feeling of course makes it harder for me to give him more of me when he asks.

I sometimes feel like I cannot breathe and that i am having an anxiety attack.

[melusine 5]

I hate to jump to conclusions, but from what you've written here my gut is telling me that he was not invested in this marriage from the start and is now trying to create the illusion that the marriage has turned bad and somehow that is your fault.

I would tell you to run before you take any more blows to your self-esteem.

I sooo agree with that..... and the fact that it's psychological abuse.

You are not the problem and honestly I think you do already more than you should!

You can also play his game and make him feel he is not good enough for you.... but... I would suggest to not loose your time and energy with theses kind of games and to move on.... and that If he wants to go, the door is open.

[melusine 5]

Hmm let me rephrase that... just that the door is open. (and that he doesn't have the choice actually)

I already had this kinda relationship and ended up wasting 2 years (I did play the reversal of psychological abuse... not smart when u think about it, but well, it was my way to protect myself and to basically tell him screw you) with the guy, it was fun/exciting (challenge) and at the same time exhausting because he was kinda beeing an as* or the super sweetest, cute you can ever imagine. Anyway, at the end, I ending up psychologically exhausted. The guy was from brazil.

Since then, I met my actual husband who is super sweetest cute and emotionally stable, lots of love and respect from both of us.... So if you let him go, you'll most probably find someone waaayyy better.

[himher 634]

That's a pretty sad story. I would guess, without knowing many facts, that he's experiencing feelings of inadequacy because he's depending on you for everything, then overcompensating for that - without realizing how or why, by giving you a hard time about things that have nothing to do with the true source of his inadequate feelings. I suspect that this is a way to "show his manhood" to make up for dependence on you (again, guessing)

Either way, the problem is not yours, but his - and the best way through it is to try to get him to open up to discussion of the true problem, which is when a guy is depending on his wife for everything like he has to, and has to 'reverse roles' from a cultural standpoint, there is a discontentment there that then becomes applicable to the relationship and everything around it. You will likely see improvement as he gains some independence, but until then he likely isn't going to be satisfied with ANYTHING.

Whether you choose to put up with that - is up to you. There is certainly no excuse for the way you are being treated, and no that is not normal in a healthy marriage.

[sara..... 371]

u know i hope im not jumping the gun here but that guy sounds like an emotionally disturbed spoiled bratt!!!!!!!!!!!!

he came here to live in a country that u are from maybe he should have spent a little more time researching about our country and that fact that most women dont put up with a lot here

[Amy&Aldo 2]

Take it from someone who was in an emotionally abusive and adulterous marriage for WAY too long...it will only get worse. I tried for many years to fix my marriage, going to lengths such as the ones you are going to, with no success and always feeling worse and worse about myself. When you said you always walk on eggshells that really hit home for me, because that is how I felt for our entire marriage. I stayed for my kids, but ultimately ended up hurting them more in the process. My advice is to grasp onto what little self esteem you have left and walk away from this abusive man before he completely destroys your spirit and your happiness. No one deserves to go through these things. This is a problem with HIM and only HE can fix it...nothing you ever do will be able to fix it for him. You WILL find love again, and you will find it with someone who loves you just as much as you love him, and who fulfills you as much as you fulfill him! I was alone for 7 years. It was discouraging at times, but ultimately I found the love of my life. Keep your head up and be strong! So sorry you have to experience this. You are in my prayers...