True Love or "Abuse" Fraud? (Long Story)

[Valsu 1]

Hello everyone.

I will break this read up into sections, so those not interested in certain details can skip over to the nitty gritty. This is our story, from the begining to "hopefully" not the end.

(A) Introduction

Sorrow does not even begin to describe what my children and I have just endured this past week, nor can I account for the numerous tears we've shed from the hurting. I would like to explain my situation here and see if anyone has advice they can offer before I speak with my attorney on Thursday for my options.

I am a very active member in these forums, and have been here for almost 3 years to date with you all. Some of you might even figure out who I am if I give certain details, but to keep things anonymous, I chose to make a new username anyhow. Those who know me, and who met me and my fiancée personally in the Philippines (we took time to help a number of other couples with K1's as well) would be absolutely shocked to hear about this situation. I still feel there is hope, so while things are in limbo, I need to gather all of the advice I can without causing future detriment if things miraculously recover.

For every situation, there are three sides to every story: her side; my side; and the truth. In this particular love triangle, understand that I have nothing to hide, and will throw everything on the table "as is" to make it as clear and honest as possible. Using a unique username buys me that freedom even further—not that I have anything to hide, but at least it helps boost your confidence in the validity of my information.

With this in mind, I do not want you to think things have all been bad. I’m only going to touch on some of the problematic highlights. Outside of these issues, we’ve had a beautiful relationship, and wonderful marriage. We are one of those couples who are always fondling, holding hands, and kissing or hugging whenever we get a chance. When arguments are not taking place, we are absolutely the happiest couple you could imagine. Obviously why I take such strong concern over this situation, and am seeking help. I do not want to lose the incredible relationship we’ve built together.

(B) History

First, let me start off with a little history, and then explain how things happened.

I had been a divorced man raising two kids by myself for 3 years and working two jobs, plus finishing college, and then landed a career. After my new career, a lot of free time opened up for me because I only had to work one job and no more college. I was able to spend quality time with my two children, and go out and enjoy myself once again.

As a result, I also started getting involved with the internet, forums, websites, gaming, etc., to kill spare time once the kids went to sleep. That’s how I met her on americansingles(dot)com originally. I had been given some free promotional membership they were giving out for 1 month, so took them up on the idea. Ironically enough, her sister lives in the USA and told her about the website, and she signed on with a membership at the same time I did. Since she and I were brand new members at the same time, we both showed up at the top of the lists, and I sent her an instant message. From that moment forward, we begin to develop a friendship and then furthered it into a relationship from emails, yahoo messenger with video, and numerous phone calls.

Time goes on, and I’ve written her poems, and even a song. She would sing to me from time to time as well, and wrote me some poems too. Our relationship built up very intensely and things begin heating up, so I decided I couldn’t wait any longer—I made a trip to the Philippines to meet this amazing woman for the first time.

The night I arrived, we flew into each other’s arms with a kiss, right in the middle of the road at the airport. We spent the most amazing 3.5 weeks together after that, and then suffered the incredible torture of me returning home to the States. Once I arrived, I went to work rapidly on her K1-Fiancée Visa petition, and did a ton of work putting it together myself (I got a compliment on the quality of it and the concise organization at the interview ïŠ ). We got no RFE’s, thank God, and I flew back to the Philippines again to be with her during the interview. We spent another 3.5 amazing weeks together after the successful interview, and then we flew back to the States together side by side. We were so excited during the whole interview process, and very confident as well since we went into it together.

She is the woman of my dreams in every way. We had maybe a total of 5 arguments prior to her coming into the US. Each time they were because she misunderstood a slang term I said, and took it the wrong way. We worked through those, realizing that we’ll run into that situation from time to time, and it would require more patience in communication. She was always so quick to apologize for things while in the Philippines.

{C} Culture Shock

Well, we arrived into the US, and we decided to get married right away. We went to a courthouse, and decided to do our church wedding the following year so we could properly plan for it and give all our friends notice, etc. While I was gone out of the country, my company lost their contract for seven (7) major accounts, and could no longer pay me the salary I was making for my zone. They offered me to move to another state at the same pay rate—just with greater responsibility. I gracefully declined the offer, and chose to take up an opportunity with another company making a much higher wage doing more enjoyable work in the same field. So, two (2) weeks after we arrived into the US, we were forced to move about four (4) hours away (11 hours closer than the other offer).

Take note, my mother had moved to my previous home from another state about a year after I landed my former career to assist with watching my kids, since my job required me to travel for weeks at a time, and I was taking trips out of the country to be with my fiancée. I just couldn’t trust anyone else and pay people to take my kids back and forth to daycare, etc. When we moved away, though, we let my mother stay behind in the apartment since she had landed a really nice job where we were previously.

When we arrived to our new city, the company put us up in a hotel for a month, and then we stayed with some church friends we had met for another month while waiting for the house we bought to close. We bought a nice and simple 4br 3ba home that had a mother-in-law suite on the opposite end. We felt this would be great if we ever had visitors, and as we decided on it, we found out that there was a nicer job opportunity for my mother in our area, and felt it would be a great place for her to stay. I say “we†because my wife said because she is from the Philippines, she was use to living with family (mother, siblings, etc), and she was really close to my mother and wanted her to stay with us. Therefore, I don’t want to hear the American crowd saying goofy things about “cutting the apron strings‗since it was nothing like that. My mother has lots of debts, and even bought our last plane ticket for us in spite of that; so we felt we owed her somewhat of a favor, and staying rent free in our home for awhile would give her an opportunity to catch up her debts, and afford to get out on her own again in something nicer than a 1br/1ba apartment.

Well, my wife became pregnant, and after 3 weeks, we lost our baby. Now, understand, my wife is in her mid-30’s, and is desperate for a child before she gets too old to have one. This occurrence devastated her, and afterward, she entered into a psychologically isolated lapse of depression. It was very hard on her, and I tried to be understanding about her situation—though sometimes I would lose a little patience with her because she would occasionally take it overboard and start blaming other people, or even me, for her miscarriage. The doctor told us specifically that it was simply a dead egg that took fertilization, and there was nothing that could be done about it. The baby never had life to it, but she couldn’t accept that fact and continued to hold it against all existence. Since then, we’ve been unable to get pregnant again, and she keeps requesting for us to get tested for fertility—even though the doctors told us they’d not be able to use my insurance to test us until we’ve been sexually active for a minimum of a full year’s time. She was upset about this answer also, and continued to badger me about it.

After this event, things started taking a little different turn. About once or twice a month, she would go into deep depression and sometimes have a raging fit over a simple misunderstanding. I would explain to her that it was either a joke, slang, or meant something entirely different. She didn’t care, she wanted to fight and argue about it. The first few times, I lost my cool also, and raised my voice as she did. Once we got over it, she would calm down and I would as well, and we’d both apologize.

(D) Reality Sets In

In the middle of these mini-bouts, we were facing other challenges as well. Due to the home we bought, and a car I traded in, the debt-to-income ratio that hit me made it so that I could not get approved for some other things we needed—such as living room furniture to fill our house! They told me it would take 6-12 months before my credit score and ratio would return to normal. She would not accept this fact, and was really upset we didn’t have enough furniture. I didn’t think I wouldn’t get approved for furniture, so I had left my old furniture behind on the side of the road for donation. She did not have a license, and I would have needed another truck to obtain those things anyhow, so I just dumped them.

To make matters worse, right when I get prepared to surprise her with getting her AOS and EAD (which we hadn’t taken time for yet due to things moving so quickly), I fell at our church gym, stepping off a bleacher onto a basketball and severely damaged my knee (ACL), forcing me into a reconstructive operation that my insurance covered 90% of. I had to fork my 10% up front just to get the surgery, and was forced to spend the money I had reserved for her AOS papers. As a result, I told her we might have to wait for income taxes to get the money we need for the AOS/EAD, or else I would have to pay bills with credit cards a couple of months, and let my cash flow build up so I could obtain it in cash form that way. Understand, she’s a professional with two (2) Master’s Degrees, and cannot stand staying at home with children, and rotting her time away. She wants and needs to get out and work and I fully respect that. Other responsibilities do have to be taken care of first, though, and we have to be practical and prioritize—so as not to hurt ourselves financially in the process. She really could not grasp onto our financial dilemmas, and at first fought me over the EAD (while I’m recovering from my surgery), and then later said it didn’t matter anymore—as if she either didn’t care or had made alternate plans (more on that later). Keep in mind, I’m providing for two (2) children, and taking her and the kids out to eat and to movies regularly to keep them entertained, while shuffling my time working 10-16 hour shifts, Monday through Friday.

I handle the finances, and see the weight each transaction bears on our budget, as well as making sure all bills are paid on time. She’s not working, and rather than taking that time to get close to the kids and adjust to her new surroundings, she just isolates herself in our room, and shuts the door to surf the internet and watch Filipino drama movies ordered off Net Flix. Occasionally, she would emerge to do things, such as feed the children, wash clothes, and clean the house when it could go no further without being done—she was also very loyal in helping them with their homework. Granted, when we first moved into our home, she was on top of everything—kept the home up nicely, always cooked the groceries, and was really enjoyable to be around—I was virtually impressed by her. She even went outside and worked on the shrubs around the home—she appeared very happy to me. However, once she didn’t get that AOS/EAD right away, she changed almost instantly.

Things went downhill from there, and she started having what I later discovered was referred to in the Philippines as, “Tampos.†One of them got so severe, she begin screaming uncontrollably, and threw herself into the floor like a small child. This behavior coming from a professional woman older than myself—just atrocious! I expected much different behavior than this, and she refused to communicate with me on a professional level. Take note, I endured a woman from a previous marriage who put me through this same behavior for seven (7) years—just much worse, and I was not about to suffer through this again in front of my children. Call me weak or wrong, or whatever you want to call me, but old scars will bleed again if you open them up, and I’m sensitive when it comes to severe immaturity from another adult. I tolerated her behaving this way about five (5) times, and when she got to the point where I thought she might even attack me, I told her I had enough, and she needs to go stay with her sister for awhile to get her head together. I was very angry at her when I said this, and really did not mean it, but people say things they don’t mean when they’re upset. Truth is, I cannot even imagine going one (1) day without being near my wife. She begged me not to make her go, and changed right away to wanting to stay. I was stubborn at first, and then realized that was wrong of me, and we made up and got past that situation.

(E) Red Flags

Everything was fine for a good month or so, and then she had a spat with me over something very small and silly. I told her, that is not what I meant, and she changed around my words and made them to mean something else—provoking me. Even after I explain myself, she continues to repeat the same thing over and over, as if saying it more than once makes it true, even after I prove it’s not. This time, she stops talking to me, and I go to work frustrated since she won’t listen. I come home, and she’s acting like she’s packing her clothes, and crying. I asked her, what are you doing, leaving? She says, “OH! So you want me to leave? I see, you want me to leave the house!†I told her, no, I did not say that, I was asking you if that’s what you were doing. She just started screaming, “You told me to leave the house, so I’m going to leave the house!†Take note, we had company at our home at this time, and this situation was a bit embarrassing. Even though we’re in our room, I know they can hear us, but I lost myself this time. I shouldn’t have reacted this way (go-go hindsight 20/20 vision), but the way she was carrying on made me snap. I grabbed the clothes rack and threw all of the clothes on the floor near her bags, and screamed back, saying, “I do NOT want you to leave this house! Why are you acting like this?†She falls to the floor, screaming and crying, and my heart breaks at this point, and I just reach forward and hold her—apologizing for my behavior as well. I realized at that point that fighting fire with fire is not going to work with her.

I spent a great deal of time in prayer trying to figure out what to do. I’m not a yelling type of person, and I didn’t think she was either, but those first 6 months, we’d had some really troublesome voice raisings over the silliest things. I’ve always been that patient, calm, professional guy that wants to talk things out, but I will not hesitate to dish out a good heated debate if someone throws it at me in such a childish way. I guess I’m an imperfect human like anyone else. Most people will yell back, if you yell at them—plain and simple. I decided inside myself, however, that I would not raise my voice at her anymore, because I would not continue to allow her to falsely accuse me of being the one to start our arguments. I will admit that I did start a few, but they were generally over legitimate reasons—such as improper ways she would handle the children; and I didn’t so much argue with her, I just tried to give her some helpful advice, and it would end up into an argument after she changed around the words I stated to mean something different.

Well, she finally put me to the test again, and started up a very severe provoking test with me because I had reenrolled my children into their private school, rather than sending them to a public school so we could get her EAD/AOS more quickly. I really do not have much faith in public schools, especially in our state being in the bottom five (5), and with the violence and terrible influence in them from other students. So I decided long ago to sacrifice to put my children into private school, and avoid public at all costs. Well, she hated this idea, and shouted at me terribly. Well, I swore to myself I would not raise my voice again, and I miraculously held my peace, and calmly told her the situation and asked her to calm down. She relented for hours, and I spent the entire night trying to calm her down, and finally got her to settle down by telling her, “Please notice I’m not yelling at you at all. So, please don’t accuse me of being the one who starts the yelling each time. I want to talk normal and discuss our issues, not fight over them.†In the end, we had another big expense hit us, and once she kept after me daily, I finally just decided to put the children in the public school nearby to bring peace in our home and finances. Even after doing so, she then holds it over my head that I wasted three (3) months of tuition, and I shouldn’t have put them in there to start with—we could have used that money for something else.

Turn of Events

Now, folks, understand, I am one of those romantic types of guys. I believe in chivalry, and going out of my way to open doors for ladies, buying flowers, and doing those silly things—like writing poems and singing songs for my lady. I’ve not been the fighting type, but I am indeed very practical, logical, and straight forward. Emotionalism is really one of my weak points, and I’ve always viewed it as an immaturity when someone will not discuss problems and act childish over them instead. I don’t want to sweep issues under a rug, I want to resolve them right away, put all cards on the table, and air it out so we can get a good night’s sleep. I want to be happy, faithful, and lasting with the woman I love, through good times and bad ones. That is my honest personality, but sometimes due to the stresses of my long work load, I tend to get overloaded and overwhelmed and I’m a little short when it comes to misunderstandings. Perhaps I occasionally have less compassion or understanding than I should have about given situations or feelings. I’ve grown to understand that of myself after what has happened recently, but I cannot expect myself to be perfect—but ever learning, and trying to improve instead. Who is not guilty of arguing with their spouse? Well, none of us, but what I am about to share with you has been the most surprising thing in this entire situation, and that is where I need the help of my fellow VJ’ers. I’ve said all of these things to help you understand our lifestyles before you delve into the love/fraud question I will pose to you. I want you to know the real us, so if you’re better at discerning this situation than I am, you’ll be in better position to advise me on how to handle things.

Well, a manager at my office tried to undermine me, and had a goal to try and take my position. She failed miserably, and we removed her from the office right away. As a result, some of the people she hired went haywire, and were found guilty of thefts—causing me over $17,000/mo in revenue. Due to the budget decrease at my district, I was unable to afford hiring another Area Manager at a competitive rate, so I ended up having to cover the workload myself. It was a great thing, actually, because I turned 80%+ of our business back into being profitable on the labor side, and stabilized the rest of it. Making more profit means greater bonuses for my district, which means more money in my pocket as well.

The drawback was that I now was forced to work evenings, rather than days, while maintaining my morning work as well. As a result, when I woke up, I dealt with customer complaints and did my paperwork for my office at home on my computer. Then when I got done, I took a quick nap, and then went to work until the late hours of the night. As for my wife, well, she got the kids ready for school, made a breakfast a lot of times for me, and then she went back to sleep. Once in awhile, I’d spend time with her, rather than taking a nap before heading to work if she was awake. Generally, though, once I got home, she and the children would be asleep already. I wouldn’t get to see any of them. One thing I failed to realize until later was she was technically alone the whole day. Kids at school, and me at work, and my mother working 2nd shift—it left my wife pretty much by herself the whole day with no one to talk to until the kids came home from school, and she’d be asleep when I came home. So, when I got home, I’d either wake her up and spend a little time with her, or I would goof around on my computer playing a game or surfing until I got sleepy myself (sometimes she would get ill if I woke her).

I could feel us drifting apart a little, but work was keeping me going so steady, I didn’t really notice it much. I had to stay focused to make sure I kept my job. After all, our District suffered a major loss, and I was determined to show my corporate that I could rebuild what our Area Manager had broken.

(G) Suspicions

All of a sudden, she stopped making any arguments with me. The provoking stopped and went away altogether. We ended up having the most amazing two (2) month relationship I could have ever imagined thereafter. Then out of nowhere, appeared the big surprise: the text of doom that brought things back with a twist.

My mother came home, and the children ran to her saying they walked home alone from the bus stop—then they said they do it every day. Well, children do lie, so my mother sent me a text message and asked me if I knew anything about my wife not picking up the children at the bus stop. We live in a busy area, and we certainly don’t want the kids snatched. I was busy at work, and knew nothing about it, so I sent her back a text and said, “Look, don’t ask me, I’m at work every day at this time. You’re home, go talk to the culprit yourself, and see if she’s responsible for that.†Well, my mother went and asked her, and she stated the children were not telling the truth. My mother sends me back a text and says, “False alarm. Kids are just being kids.â€

Well, things went fine for a couple of weeks, and my wife and I had an amazing time together—things were so perfect, and then she picked up my phone and started reading my text messages. She found the text I had sent to my mother, and she immediately flew off the handle for the first time in almost three months. She accused my mother of turning me against her, and influencing me behind the scenes, and anything else you can imagine. I honest don’t recall ever doing anything my mother ever said—even though she tends to always be right in the end. So I obviously didn’t buy that accusation at all, and tried to explain what the text meant. She wasn’t going to listen to that, and then she went and started a great bomb shell with my mother.

Next thing you know, the two women in the house hate each other over a text message regarding a previously resolved problem. I’m stuck in the middle, and beg them both separately to work things out like adults, and stop acting so childish over it. We’re all in the same home, and we need harmony for our arrangement to work. It gets worse, and my wife even asks me to take her side and make my mother leave right away. I told her, this is not about taking sides; I am stressed enough with work, and cannot the two of you work this out? She asked me who I would save if her and my mother were about to die? I told her, “What kind of question is that? Who lives and who dies is in God’s hands, I could never decide someone’s fate, but out of stubbornness and love I would try to save you both, and lose myself.â€

After a week of bitterness in the home, I finally convinced my mother to talk to my wife, and she tried. My wife didn’t care for it at all, and rebuffed her. My mother, after having tried to resolve the problem, got steamed and turned away bitter again after wasting three (3) hours. Then a week later I convince my wife to fix the problem, and when she confronts my mother, she was bitter and rebuffed my wife the same as happened to her the week prior. Now, they both turned away mad and bitter again, worse than before. I just shook my head in astonishment over the whole matter. A few days later, they got into another talk, and my wife was really being difficult toward my mother, and asked my mom if she wanted her to leave the house. My mother told her she doesn’t want her to leave, she just wants to make things right. Then my wife told her repeatedly that she was lying, and did want her to leave the house. Then my mother told her, “Look, if you don’t want to be here, and want to keep fighting, then sure I would want you to leave the house. That doesn’t mean I can make you leave, and I still don’t want you to leave. I want to fix this problem once and for all.†To my mother’s defense, the conversation was recorded, so I actually got to hear it myself later.

That day, I came home from work early and my wife was packing her things and crying, telling me my mom wanted her to leave the house right away, and she was going to leave right away. I am freaking out over this and told her, I don’t care what my mom wants; you cannot leave because she says that. You are my wife, and we need to work this out. She said, “I want you to look in my bags! I am only taking the things I brought with me from the Philippines. I’m not taking anything you bought me, so I don’t want you accusing me of stealing anything!†Then she tried pushing me aside, and I just stood there. I said, honey, let’s work this out! She starts screaming and wants me to move, and I resisted and tried to hug her to calm her down. She pushed me away and sat on our bed, and started telling me the conversation—lying dramatically about the whole incident (she didn’t realize the conversation had been recorded). After I listened to everything she had to say, I calmly played the recording in front of her. At the same time, I let her know that I had already spoken to my mother and told her never to say another word about my wife leaving the house under any circumstance—not her place, ever! After discussion, I managed to calm my wife down, and she started crying, laying on the bed claiming that she might be suffering from a mental disorder. I told her, honey, you are the most intelligent woman I know—you do not have a mental disorder.

About that time, someone knocks on my door quite loud. I go to the door, and behold there are cops there. My wife had been talking with friends she had made from the Filipino community local to our county, and she had been telling them about her “problems†all along. Well, she had informed them that day she was leaving, and they had called the police, claiming that I came in screaming at my wife while they were on the phone, and then the phone hung up. I was very calm when the officer had arrived, and explained to them what was going on over the text message. My wife kept saying, “My husband and his mother want me to leave this house!†They looked at me and asked, “Sir, do you want your wife to leave this house?†I told them, absolutely not. I want to work out our problem, and we just need to communicate. They told her, “See, ma’am, he doesn’t want you to leave the house.†They gave us some friendly advice, and left.

After a week, the tension was still so great, I finally got involved and argued with both of them to fix the problem; and to get me off their backs, they finally had their crying bit and worked out their problem with each other and even prayed together at church. Now, the problem was gone, but my wife became very distant and isolated.

She begins to do nothing but sleep and surf the internet. She refused to do dishes dirtied by my mother (indirect punishment), and she refused to do anything with the children except take them to the bus stop in the morning, and receive them in the afternoon. I could tell she was up to something, or changing. She stopped cleaning the house entirely, and just kept doing things (or not doing things) she knew were pet peeves of mine. She started telling her friends, family, and me that she felt like a slave. Once I got wind of this, I immediately started getting her involved with other things. I got her to help me at work a few days, and took her on the road with me. I let her go help operate the coffee shop we partly own in town. I started taking her out to eat each night, and watching movies with her. I started taking her and the children to more theatres/parks, etc. I got highly active on my Saturdays, rather than doing paperwork or resting. I spent more time holding her, and showing affection, etc. What was her reaction to these things? She didn’t say any word during our meals; she fell asleep each movie; she just stood there at the parks and did nothing to spend time with the kids; she went to bed early each night without even saying good night to me; and the list goes on. She was bored, and just plain boring to be around during this time. It was like being around a robot that was just going through the motions.

(H) Climax.

Well, in spite of these things, I became somewhat patient, and just overlooked it. She started warming up to me a little after doing so, and we had an amazing two days (in my opinion). Then on Saturday, my mother gets called in to her work (after just having started online courses on the weekend). She storms out the house to head to the hospital she works in, and works until about 4am that morning. Well, my wife went to bed early Saturday night, so I watched a movie by myself and then went to bed.

Sunday morning, the kids wake up early to get ready for church. My wife doesn’t bother to get out of bed to make them their breakfast. They start knocking on our door, and she ignores them. I get up to do it myself, and while in the restroom, I heard my daughter knocking again. My wife told her to go eat the biscuits in the bag—but not the leftover ones on the stove. My daughter comes back, and says, “They are cold, how do I heat them up?†My wife told her to give them to my son and let him use the microwave. I come out of the restroom, and my wife jumps up and goes to the restroom. As I opened my bedroom door, a voice came raging through the house. My mother had been awakened by the kids after only having a few hours sleep, and they told her that, “Mommy told us to cook our own food for breakfast.†Well, my mother screams through the house, “Fine! I will do it. I will take care of the kids too!â€

Once I heard that, it was evident to me that my mother and wife had not worked out anything at all. They were still mad at each other. I enter the kitchen and told her to go back to bed, and that we had just been awakened and were about to do this. She groans and says, “this isn’t the first time she’s neglected these kids and chores. She doesn’t work, and shouldn’t be above taking care of her own responsibilities.†She keeps on muttering nonsense, so I just left and went back to my room.

I was upset that these two women had not yet resolved their problems. When I questioned my wife about their supposedly resolved issues, she just ignored me and stayed in the restroom for over forty-five (45) minutes pretending nothing was happening. I just groaned and got the kids ready for church. We were invited to a lunch with some church friends, and went out to eat. My wife just sat there in church, lunch, and church again that night silent, and said no words the whole day to anyone.

Then that night we arrived home. I went out and bought some ice cream in hopes to cheer up my wife. I brought it to our room, and sat her down, and wanted to talk to her about what was “really†bothering her so much. Of course, she starts on me about my mother again—saying I’m taking my mom’s side, etc.—certainly not so, I had crawled my mother about the situation severely that afternoon. She starts trying to make some crazy point about something that didn’t matter and cast blame, so I said, “Look, honey, I don’t want to argue anymore. I just want us to apologize for everything, and move on happily, and pretend none of this has happened.â€

She persisted, and got upset that I didn’t want to argue. She starts in on me big time, and crying and carrying on. She tells me she wants me to choose again between her and my mother and says she wants my mother out of the house right away. I told her, look, if it will make you happy for my mother to go, we will do it, but we cannot throw her on the street right away. We have to prepare for it, and it’s going to take some time to work out. Therefore, the two of you really need to find a way to get along meanwhile. She got even more upset, and kept on about it. Finally, I lost my cool, and I told her how I felt about everything—although I didn’t raise my voice this time, I just emptied out a lot of stress at her. I brought up how she had not been making any effort to build relations with the children, and how she and mom were best friends this whole time, and now enemies over a text message. I told her that it’s not right to accuse me of slavery, when it’s her choice to do nothing all day, when she’s got a thousand other things she can be doing. I also explained that I know my mother is not the true problem, and I wanted to know what the problem really was. See, I’ve been through something similar before, and as I explained to her, I’ll explain to you below.

My ex-wife gave me some “lesson-learned†problems. I moved a town away from her mother after we first got married (she worshipped her mother), and she caused me problems far exceeding anything above (my ex-wife was a lunatic, plain and simple, honestly). The reason I moved was because her mother literally hated me for taking her “controlled†daughter in marriage. Then my mother came to town, and stayed with us a few weeks, and she hated that, so I quickly changed that situation. Then we moved to another state to get away from family altogether, and that didn’t fix anything. Then we moved to another state, and she got even worse. Finally, I gave in and just moved within walking distance of her very mother’s house, and then it just made my life even more complicated. No matter where I took her, it didn’t matter—she always hated my mother, because her own mother didn’t like me. I finally moved to another town due to college, and then that no good woman got into drugs, cheated on me and left me and the children. Certainly for the best, as she was extremely abusive to both me and the children. I don’t believe in infidelity or divorce, though, so I stubbornly endured it for seven (7) long years hoping things would eventually change.

Anyhow, I told my wife, that it wouldn’t matter if I threw my mother out on the street or not. I’ve tried appeasing that motive before, and turned out it was something entirely different—especially seeing how my wife and mother have been best friends for 8 months already and just turned sour the last two months. “There is another issue you won’t tell me about, and I want to know what it is.â€

Immediately, she accused me of comparing her to my ex-wife, and said, I am not your ex-wife (which wasn’t the point at all). Then she said, “I know you don’t trust me! You don’t trust me do you?†At this point, I’m really upset, and I tell her, “Look, I trust you, but sometimes you make it hard when I catch you in lies and you always want to argue. You never tell these kids you love them, hug them, or show them you care, and in spite of that, I’ve trusted you with their hearts—and they love you so much, and ask me to tell you goodnight. I just don’t understand you sometimes!†At that moment, I left the room, and went to the kitchen, and she went to sleep. I have very loving and amazing children in spite of all they’ve been through, and how any woman cannot warm up to them is astonishing. The truth be known, my wife was extremely jealous of the close relationship I have with my children. Any father knows how hard such a relation with your children is to accomplish, and I stand proud that my children love me.

Next morning, I woke up, and neither of us spoke, and I went on to work. I get a call from my mother later that day, and she had been locked out of the house while taking out the trash—now unable to get her car keys to go to work. She asks me to leave work and come let her in the house. So, I leave work, and let her in, and then I go to my bedroom to see if my wife was OK. It’s not like her to not respond and leave my mother locked out in the cold. I started to really grieve over our argument and hoped that my wife hadn’t done something emotionally detrimental. I decided I would apologize and get past it whether I was in the right or the wrong. Well, soon as I opened the door, my wife pushed me out of the way, and says, “I can’t take it anymore. I will just go to my sister’s house. I’m leaving. Bye.†She storms to the front door, and I ask her to come back, and I want to talk, and she hits me in the chest, and says, “Leave me alone!†She starts crying and walks outside and slams the front door. I just stand there with my jaw dropped, unable to decide what to do.

I finally get into my car, and drive down the road. She ignores me and walks to a gas station nearby, and stands by the pay phone. I begged her to come with me into the car. I asked her to go with me to our pastor and get some marriage counseling and advice to help us through this. She just keeps crying, and says, “Leave me alone. You can go have your mother. You don’t want me anymore. Go get your mother instead!†I told her I don’t mind finding another place for my mother, but we need to work this out now. She then walked away down the road again. I followed in the car—I couldn’t chase her on foot because of my knee surgery still being in recovery stages. She turned and went back to the gas station, and tried to use the pay phone to call the “Filipino community.†So, I called my pastor and explained to him what was going on and what I should do. He asked me to see if she would talk to him, but she went inside the gas station. I did not want to start a scene in there, and waited in the car outside for her to cool off. Instead, she comes outside and jumps into a car that pulls up with a man and woman, and they peel off. I caught the license plate with my eye, and wrote it down.

I was completely confused at the time (although, after giving it thought, and looking back over the entire situation, I came to realize a number of things). My pastor comforted me the best he could, and I went home to get the kids from their school bus stop, since she left me half an hour before they arrived home. I did not know what to do, or where they were taking her. She had left her cell phone behind, and I begin researching phone numbers on it, and text messages. She had been calling many numbers labeled as “FILCOM†(Filipino Community). No one would answer my calls to those numbers, so I called her sister and explained everything that had happened. She said that my wife told her completely different things, and was making me out to be a slave driver, etc.

Well, I have not heard from or seen my wife since.

(I) Investigation Begins.

Well, I assumed my wife was with these people who picked her up. I collected the phone numbers, license plate number, and tried to find all of the clues I could. She had never met these people, and I had no idea who they were either.

The next day, I figured she’d come back when she was done cooling off, and she was supposed to cook an international dish for church Wednesday night for all of the visiting Missionaries we had—I thought she’d surely come make things right by then. She never showed up on Tuesday.

I decided Wednesday morning to file a Missing Persons Report, and started calling everywhere I knew to call looking for her. While I am in the station filing a report, her sister sends me a text and says that my wife called her husband for a few minutes. She told him that she was in a safe home, and was OK, but could not give the location or a number out. They asked her if she would come to stay with them for awhile, and she declined their invitation, and said she would just work things out right here and undergo her counseling. The officer then decided the report was no longer needed, and we assumed she was in a shelter.

Well, I thank my God in heaven that my wife was still alive. I took this time of relief and started getting professional counseling for myself and preparing for when she comes home. I discovered many flaws in myself and how I could have made things better for her. I took a lot of counseling from a Filipina as well, on cultural behaviors that arise during culture shock that I was blind to previously.

Long story, even longer, I basically took realization to the whole situation. I realized that my wife was in a new country and culture, and away from all friends and family the first time, and dealing with two step-children, a mother-in-law, a new marriage, a new home, not working a professional job, and dealing with a miscarriage all at the same time—then at the same time dealing with the many other issues I described with my job and finances, and not getting her AOS/EAD right away—being bored at home, etc. The list goes on, and I realized why my wife was reaching a psychological breakdown. These are things I did not see beforehand because I am just so busy with my work and computer to notice her emotional struggles. I realized that I should have just been more patient, compassionate, and rather than arguing with her, just hugged and held her whenever she begin to start a tampo. I realized I just wasn’t as loving as I could have been, and let the stress of my work wear me down.

Of course, realizing these things too late does me very little good. Although, telling you how sorry of a person I am is not why I am here. I realized any and all of my mistakes, and I want to resolve them with her. If she comes home, she’ll be overwhelmed by my new desire to show her the greatest love and patience she’s known, rather than overwhelmed by our previous troubles. I will try my best to never give her another reason to walk out, and enjoy every minute she has with me.

Unfortunately, it seems that chance it looking more and more distant each day. The first sign I saw of her being alive was on Wednesday (3rd day absent), when she logged into her Yahoo Messenger for 3 minutes. Unfortunately, I was at my children’s bus stop, and did not see her log-in and log-out until I arrived home. She did not leave any message, or respond to the two messages I had left her. Since I noticed she had access to the internet, I quickly respond to all of her email accounts, and frienster, etc., with a grand apology, and explained about the counseling I was receiving, etc. I broke everything down, and let her know I was not upset at all, and wanted her to come home.

Since she logged into her Yahoo that one time, she has not been online one time since. She hasn’t checked any email, used yahoo messenger or answers, Friendster, or any other form of online communication. She’s made no phone calls, nor has she contacted any of her family or local friends we both know.

(J) Plan of Action

I was tired of waiting by Thursday. Leaving your family for four (4) days over a spat is ridiculous. We’ve never physically harmed each other in any way, and I know she was overwhelmed by a lot of things, but come on? I begin to question everything and everyone. I didn’t believe much of anything anymore. I started on a mission to find my beloved, and I wasn’t going to rest. I broke down emotionally in front of my children also, and finally told them the truth of what was going on. We all cried together, and since that day, we’ve prayed earnestly every day and night for her to come home and be with us—asking God to put peace and desire in her heart to be with her family again.

I also begin to question whether or not her sister told me the truth, and after searching my wife’s computer’s web history, and finding searches on Greyhound for bus tickets to her sister’s city three (3) weeks prior to any of this, I thought they were covering everything up. Then I didn’t hear from her sister for three days either, which didn’t ease my suspicions any. I called my wife’s mother in the Philippines and spoke with all of her family, and she hasn’t contacted any of them.

I shaved, dressed in blue and black with a tie, and I became an investigator on Thursday. I went to the gas station, police stations, and everywhere I could think of showing them pictures of my missing wife. I also used the phone numbers and license plate and did a reverse search. I tracked down the home of the couple who picked up my wife, and went straight to their home. Sure enough there sat the evil blue car in the driveway—owned by the meddlers. No one came to the door, and I walked around the neighborhood showing everyone pictures of my wife—including the Catholic Church and school next door. None had seen her, but said she appeared similar to the Filipina lady in the house nearby to some people. Also, there were no Filipinos in the area—all African American. I then wondered how legitimate these people where. They were supposed to be part of a Filipino Community, according to what they told my wife! No pinay here, except that one woman. The nearby businesses claimed that the married couple in that house were a really nice man and woman, though, so that calmed me briefly. I still didn’t know whether my wife was alive and well or not. I took a gospel tract, and wrote a message for my wife on it to call me, and placed it on that couple’s door. Then I went to work to handle some office issues.

Soon as I pull into the driveway, the husband calls me in a panic. He says he was scared and upset that I found where he lived, and told me that he swears they have not kidnapped my wife. He claimed they dropped her off at the police headquarters. I immediately went straight to the police headquarters, and spoke with Domestic Violence officers. They said she did come by days prior, crying and carrying on. They looked her over, listening to her story, and explained to her that she didn’t appear to be a victim of any kind of domestic violence, and really couldn’t help her. They did give her some information about shelters in the area and also told her she could get some marriage counseling, and said she left afterward.

There was a Greyhound station across the street, so I went there, and they told me that she had inquired about a bus ticket to the city her sister lives in, but they told me they were not at liberty to say whether or not she bought one, or arrived at her destination. I just knew then she had to be at her sister’s house. She had just enough cash on her for that $214 ticket. Then I reverse searched her sister’s information, found where she lived, and was making preparations to go there eventually if she didn’t contact me.

Friday morning, I went directly to our local police station and filed a Missing Person’s Report for my wife, and I then hope and pray for the best and for her safe return home. I also called back the guy who originally picked up my wife, and questioned where he took her after she left the police headquarters—surely her didn’t just drop her off and leave. He never answered or returned my calls, and I’m a little hesitant to go back to his house and ask him after all of this.

Saturday I spent time with church folks, and with my kids to get our minds off things. Sunday rolls around, and I arrive to church and my wife is not in the pew. Reality sets in on me, and I crack right then and there. My wife is not here—feels like there’s been a death in the family. I could not stop crying the whole morning. Every little thing reminded me about my wife: Objects, smells, sounds, songs, church members, my children, etc. My kids and I are completely broken. I speak with my pastor after church, and I even break down in front of him. He tries to encourage me the best he can. I truly love my wife so much, and I am devastated that she’s gone. I cannot eat much, and have already lost 10% of my weight since she left. My children won’t eat right either, and when I try to force them to eat, they cry and I end up having to hold them. We miss her so much. My babies are crying in my arms every night, and I’m also doing the same along with them.

That afternoon, my wife’s sister called me finally. She apologized for not calling me, but she works a long way from home, and leaves for days at a time, and left her cellphone at home. She assured me that my wife was not with her, nor has she heard from her since the previous Tuesday when she called her husband and said she was in a safe home. After much questioning, I was convinced my wife was not (eight) 8 states away, Thank God. 50% of my suspicions came to a halt quickly, and I realized I had wasted time and energies on a dead trail and false speculations.

On Monday, I start falling to pieces again, and that afternoon an Officer calls me and tells me they’ve located my wife. The officer explained that she wanted me to know she was safe, did not want me to know where she was right now, and would be in contact at a later time. That is all I got. I thanked the officer for letting me know my wife was OK. I was so excited that my wife had been found, and since a local officer found her, it means she must be in a local shelter home as she had stated to her sister last week. Thank God, she is safe!

Now, I focused intensely on this alternate idea—shelter home. I begin doing research and studying what these shelter homes are about. I am hoping and praying they are giving her sound advice and counseling on how to return to her husband and have a successful marriage. After reading a lot of forums, though, I am arriving to an alternate conclusion that may have opened up my eyes to a greater picture. One thing that really triggered my concern was when I arrived home on Monday, I got a letter from my wife’s credit card company—she had cancelled her credit card! Why? What on earth would she do that for? I begin realizing that she has her name on all of our finances, and also has the key to our house, my car, and the alarm fob on the key chain. Although, she’s made no transactions at all on any accounts, and I highly doubt she’d take anything. She’s very trustworthy when it comes to those things—at least in my experience of knowing her.

(K) Reality Sets In.

I discovered that there is a law passed by Bill Clinton in 1994 that supports immigrants called the VAWA act. Many Immigrants have found a loophole that allows them to claim any form of domestic violence, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, and any form thereof, and then bypass the normal requirements to attain citizenship. They can actually say whatever they want about their spouse, truth or not, and then receive free shelter, food, clothing, medical care, amenities, transportation, work permit, driver’s license, and a green card all within a period of about 90 days, expedited. Most shelters will require the aggressive spouse to have been arrested for domestic violence, first, though. The “accused†spouse gets no opportunity for defense, or the capability of making contact at any time with the partner making the accusations. These facilities are top-secret, and they are designed to keep men, women and children safe from their aggressors. Such is great for the real situations, but what about Immigrants taking advantage of this loophole and getting a free ride?

There are also support groups and attorneys at some facilities who specialize in working around any and all red tape, and you guessed it—they get to utilize those for free also. They educate and coerce the “victim†on how to get citizenship expedited, and take the opposing spouse for everything they can in the process.

I am now in a fix here. I have to decide whether my wife is genuinely upset over all of our situations, and is needing a space and timeout, and will eventually come home to her family; or has she been awaiting her Green Card all along, and started provoking me to do her wrong for this expedited process the moment she realized she’d have to wait until we were financially capable first? It makes sense, really; she fails at provoking me to wrath, and once she gives up, she starts trying my mother—whom she was best friends with the previous eight (8) months. Once she stops doing every single one of her responsibilities, the moment something is asked of her, she cries, “Slave!†Honestly, is it slavery to expect someone to simply pull their weight in a household—especially when they’re not working? Freeloading is OK for a little while, but eventually you need to do something. I never asked much from her at all. I don’t want to think that way, but so many others have been hurt in similar fashion, and I feel it is best to take a proactive approach toward defending my home and children.

I love my wife, and I never would have suspected that is what she would do to me. I still believe in my heart it is not her intent, and she’ll not heed any advice from such people. At the same time, she’s made NO effort to contact me at all for ten (10) days now, or get online, or anything.

The kids and I feel completely abandoned, and we don’t want to be at risk of losing anything if she does intend to do us that way. We still cry and pray for her every night, and if she does come home, I can tell you now that all will be forgiven and forgotten. I would prefer to view this as a chapter of our lives that we can learn valuable lessons from, and spend the rest of my life faithfully to this woman—whom I love unconditionally with my full heart. I cannot begin to stress how much I want her back, and if there was just a way I could contact her and let her know how we feel, I just know everything would be better.

Problem is knowing whether that is her intent, and whether she is willing to work things out or not. This has been a tough couple of weeks for our household, and I am very confused. Perhaps someone reading this has endured a similar situation, and came out on top. I really hope to find positive advice from this, and I know unexpected things happen when two cultures mix. Are they generally this severe though? Do Filipinas typically run away when they become overwhelmed, or am I facing a sure sign of marriage fraud? There are so many questions needing answering, and I gave as much information as I could bring to the table. I’m sure most of you read bits or pieces of this, since it was so lengthy, but hey, if you get confused, there are plenty of materials for you to reference.

I do not want to be a victim of either a second divorce or "abuse" fraud. My children and I have been through so much already. This is all overwhelming for us. Keep in mind, we have not filed for her AOS/EAD yet, and she did not have me arrested for any form of Domestic Violence. So, where do we stand right now? We have been married for 10 months.

Sad and lonely, brokenhearted, I write these things in search of wisdom. Thank you in advance for any and all support, prayers, and responses. Now, I just need to know what all of my options are, and the best plan of action to take. I pray for the best, but prepare for the worst.

To be continued . . .

Edited November 20, 2008 by Valsu

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Hello everyone.

I will break this read up into sections, so those not interested in certain details can skip over to the nitty gritty. This is our story, from the begining to "hopefully" not the end.

(A) Introduction

Sorrow does not even begin to describe what my children and I have just endured this past week, nor can I account for the numerous tears we've shed from the hurting. I would like to explain my situation here and see if anyone has advice they can offer before I speak with my attorney on Thursday for my options.

I am a very active member in these forums, and have been here for almost 3 years to date with you all. Some of you might even figure out who I am if I give certain details, but to keep things anonymous, I chose to make a new username anyhow. Those who know me, and who met me and my fiancée personally in the Philippines (we took time to help a number of other couples with K1's as well) would be absolutely shocked to hear about this situation. I still feel there is hope, so while things are in limbo, I need to gather all of the advice I can without causing future detriment if things miraculously recover.

For every situation, there are three sides to every story: her side; my side; and the truth. In this particular love triangle, understand that I have nothing to hide, and will throw everything on the table "as is" to make it as clear and honest as possible. Using a unique username buys me that freedom even further—not that I have anything to hide, but at least it helps boost your confidence in the validity of my information.

With this in mind, I do not want you to think things have all been bad. I’m only going to touch on some of the problematic highlights. Outside of these issues, we’ve had a beautiful relationship, and wonderful marriage. We are one of those couples who are always fondling, holding hands, and kissing or hugging whenever we get a chance. When arguments are not taking place, we are absolutely the happiest couple you could imagine. Obviously why I take such strong concern over this situation, and am seeking help. I do not want to lose the incredible relationship we’ve built together.

(B) History

First, let me start off with a little history, and then explain how things happened.

I had been a divorced man raising two kids by myself for 3 years and working two jobs, plus finishing college, and then landed a career. After my new career, a lot of free time opened up for me because I only had to work one job and no more college. I was able to spend quality time with my two children, and go out and enjoy myself once again.

As a result, I also started getting involved with the internet, forums, websites, gaming, etc., to kill spare time once the kids went to sleep. That’s how I met her on americansingles(dot)com originally. I had been given some free promotional membership they were giving out for 1 month, so took them up on the idea. Ironically enough, her sister lives in the USA and told her about the website, and she signed on with a membership at the same time I did. Since she and I were brand new members at the same time, we both showed up at the top of the lists, and I sent her an instant message. From that moment forward, we begin to develop a friendship and then furthered it into a relationship from emails, yahoo messenger with video, and numerous phone calls.

Time goes on, and I’ve written her poems, and even a song. She would sing to me from time to time as well, and wrote me some poems too. Our relationship built up very intensely and things begin heating up, so I decided I couldn’t wait any longer—I made a trip to the Philippines to meet this amazing woman for the first time.

The night I arrived, we flew into each other’s arms with a kiss, right in the middle of the road at the airport. We spent the most amazing 3.5 weeks together after that, and then suffered the incredible torture of me returning home to the States. Once I arrived, I went to work rapidly on her K1-Fiancée Visa petition, and did a ton of work putting it together myself (I got a compliment on the quality of it and the concise organization at the interview ïŠ ). We got no RFE’s, thank God, and I flew back to the Philippines again to be with her during the interview. We spent another 3.5 amazing weeks together after the successful interview, and then we flew back to the States together side by side. We were so excited during the whole interview process, and very confident as well since we went into it together.

She is the woman of my dreams in every way. We had maybe a total of 5 arguments prior to her coming into the US. Each time they were because she misunderstood a slang term I said, and took it the wrong way. We worked through those, realizing that we’ll run into that situation from time to time, and it would require more patience in communication. She was always so quick to apologize for things while in the Philippines.

{C} Culture Shock

Well, we arrived into the US, and we decided to get married right away. We went to a courthouse, and decided to do our church wedding the following year so we could properly plan for it and give all our friends notice, etc. While I was gone out of the country, my company lost their contract for seven (7) major accounts, and could no longer pay me the salary I was making for my zone. They offered me to move to another state at the same pay rate—just with greater responsibility. I gracefully declined the offer, and chose to take up an opportunity with another company making a much higher wage doing more enjoyable work in the same field. So, two (2) weeks after we arrived into the US, we were forced to move about four (4) hours away (11 hours closer than the other offer).

Take note, my mother had moved to my previous home from another state about a year after I landed my former career to assist with watching my kids, since my job required me to travel for weeks at a time, and I was taking trips out of the country to be with my fiancée. I just couldn’t trust anyone else and pay people to take my kids back and forth to daycare, etc. When we moved away, though, we let my mother stay behind in the apartment since she had landed a really nice job where we were previously.

When we arrived to our new city, the company put us up in a hotel for a month, and then we stayed with some church friends we had met for another month while waiting for the house we bought to close. We bought a nice and simple 4br 3ba home that had a mother-in-law suite on the opposite end. We felt this would be great if we ever had visitors, and as we decided on it, we found out that there was a nicer job opportunity for my mother in our area, and felt it would be a great place for her to stay. I say “we†because my wife said because she is from the Philippines, she was use to living with family (mother, siblings, etc), and she was really close to my mother and wanted her to stay with us. Therefore, I don’t want to hear the American crowd saying goofy things about “cutting the apron strings‗since it was nothing like that. My mother has lots of debts, and even bought our last plane ticket for us in spite of that; so we felt we owed her somewhat of a favor, and staying rent free in our home for awhile would give her an opportunity to catch up her debts, and afford to get out on her own again in something nicer than a 1br/1ba apartment.

Well, my wife became pregnant, and after 3 weeks, we lost our baby. Now, understand, my wife is in her mid-30’s, and is desperate for a child before she gets too old to have one. This occurrence devastated her, and afterward, she entered into a psychologically isolated lapse of depression. It was very hard on her, and I tried to be understanding about her situation—though sometimes I would lose a little patience with her because she would occasionally take it overboard and start blaming other people, or even me, for her miscarriage. The doctor told us specifically that it was simply a dead egg that took fertilization, and there was nothing that could be done about it. The baby never had life to it, but she couldn’t accept that fact and continued to hold it against all existence. Since then, we’ve been unable to get pregnant again, and she keeps requesting for us to get tested for fertility—even though the doctors told us they’d not be able to use my insurance to test us until we’ve been sexually active for a minimum of a full year’s time. She was upset about this answer also, and continued to badger me about it.

After this event, things started taking a little different turn. About once or twice a month, she would go into deep depression and sometimes have a raging fit over a simple misunderstanding. I would explain to her that it was either a joke, slang, or meant something entirely different. She didn’t care, she wanted to fight and argue about it. The first few times, I lost my cool also, and raised my voice as she did. Once we got over it, she would calm down and I would as well, and we’d both apologize.

(D) Reality Sets In

In the middle of these mini-bouts, we were facing other challenges as well. Due to the home we bought, and a car I traded in, the debt-to-income ratio that hit me made it so that I could not get approved for some other things we needed—such as living room furniture to fill our house! They told me it would take 6-12 months before my credit score and ratio would return to normal. She would not accept this fact, and was really upset we didn’t have enough furniture. I didn’t think I wouldn’t get approved for furniture, so I had left my old furniture behind on the side of the road for donation. She did not have a license, and I would have needed another truck to obtain those things anyhow, so I just dumped them.

To make matters worse, right when I get prepared to surprise her with getting her AOS and EAD (which we hadn’t taken time for yet due to things moving so quickly), I fell at our church gym, stepping off a bleacher onto a basketball and severely damaged my knee (ACL), forcing me into a reconstructive operation that my insurance covered 90% of. I had to fork my 10% up front just to get the surgery, and was forced to spend the money I had reserved for her AOS papers. As a result, I told her we might have to wait for income taxes to get the money we need for the AOS/EAD, or else I would have to pay bills with credit cards a couple of months, and let my cash flow build up so I could obtain it in cash form that way. Understand, she’s a professional with two (2) Master’s Degrees, and cannot stand staying at home with children, and rotting her time away. She wants and needs to get out and work and I fully respect that. Other responsibilities do have to be taken care of first, though, and we have to be practical and prioritize—so as not to hurt ourselves financially in the process. She really could not grasp onto our financial dilemmas, and at first fought me over the EAD (while I’m recovering from my surgery), and then later said it didn’t matter anymore—as if she either didn’t care or had made alternate plans (more on that later). Keep in mind, I’m providing for two (2) children, and taking her and the kids out to eat and to movies regularly to keep them entertained, while shuffling my time working 10-16 hour shifts, Monday through Friday.

I handle the finances, and see the weight each transaction bears on our budget, as well as making sure all bills are paid on time. She’s not working, and rather than taking that time to get close to the kids and adjust to her new surroundings, she just isolates herself in our room, and shuts the door to surf the internet and watch Filipino drama movies ordered off Net Flix. Occasionally, she would emerge to do things, such as feed the children, wash clothes, and clean the house when it could go no further without being done—she was also very loyal in helping them with their homework. Granted, when we first moved into our home, she was on top of everything—kept the home up nicely, always cooked the groceries, and was really enjoyable to be around—I was virtually impressed by her. She even went outside and worked on the shrubs around the home—she appeared very happy to me. However, once she didn’t get that AOS/EAD right away, she changed almost instantly.

Things went downhill from there, and she started having what I later discovered was referred to in the Philippines as, “Tampos.†One of them got so severe, she begin screaming uncontrollably, and threw herself into the floor like a small child. This behavior coming from a professional woman older than myself—just atrocious! I expected much different behavior than this, and she refused to communicate with me on a professional level. Take note, I endured a woman from a previous marriage who put me through this same behavior for seven (7) years—just much worse, and I was not about to suffer through this again in front of my children. Call me weak or wrong, or whatever you want to call me, but old scars will bleed again if you open them up, and I’m sensitive when it comes to severe immaturity from another adult. I tolerated her behaving this way about five (5) times, and when she got to the point where I thought she might even attack me, I told her I had enough, and she needs to go stay with her sister for awhile to get her head together. I was very angry at her when I said this, and really did not mean it, but people say things they don’t mean when they’re upset. Truth is, I cannot even imagine going one (1) day without being near my wife. She begged me not to make her go, and changed right away to wanting to stay. I was stubborn at first, and then realized that was wrong of me, and we made up and got past that situation.

(E) Red Flags

Everything was fine for a good month or so, and then she had a spat with me over something very small and silly. I told her, that is not what I meant, and she changed around my words and made them to mean something else—provoking me. Even after I explain myself, she continues to repeat the same thing over and over, as if saying it more than once makes it true, even after I prove it’s not. This time, she stops talking to me, and I go to work frustrated since she won’t listen. I come home, and she’s acting like she’s packing her clothes, and crying. I asked her, what are you doing, leaving? She says, “OH! So you want me to leave? I see, you want me to leave the house!†I told her, no, I did not say that, I was asking you if that’s what you were doing. She just started screaming, “You told me to leave the house, so I’m going to leave the house!†Take note, we had company at our home at this time, and this situation was a bit embarrassing. Even though we’re in our room, I know they can hear us, but I lost myself this time. I shouldn’t have reacted this way (go-go hindsight 20/20 vision), but the way she was carrying on made me snap. I grabbed the clothes rack and threw all of the clothes on the floor near her bags, and screamed back, saying, “I do NOT want you to leave this house! Why are you acting like this?†She falls to the floor, screaming and crying, and my heart breaks at this point, and I just reach forward and hold her—apologizing for my behavior as well. I realized at that point that fighting fire with fire is not going to work with her.

I spent a great deal of time in prayer trying to figure out what to do. I’m not a yelling type of person, and I didn’t think she was either, but those first 6 months, we’d had some really troublesome voice raisings over the silliest things. I’ve always been that patient, calm, professional guy that wants to talk things out, but I will not hesitate to dish out a good heated debate if someone throws it at me in such a childish way. I guess I’m an imperfect human like anyone else. Most people will yell back, if you yell at them—plain and simple. I decided inside myself, however, that I would not raise my voice at her anymore, because I would not continue to allow her to falsely accuse me of being the one to start our arguments. I will admit that I did start a few, but they were generally over legitimate reasons—such as improper ways she would handle the children; and I didn’t so much argue with her, I just tried to give her some helpful advice, and it would end up into an argument after she changed around the words I stated to mean something different.

Well, she finally put me to the test again, and started up a very severe provoking test with me because I had reenrolled my children into their private school, rather than sending them to a public school so we could get her EAD/AOS more quickly. I really do not have much faith in public schools, especially in our state being in the bottom five (5), and with the violence and terrible influence in them from other students. So I decided long ago to sacrifice to put my children into private school, and avoid public at all costs. Well, she hated this idea, and shouted at me terribly. Well, I swore to myself I would not raise my voice again, and I miraculously held my peace, and calmly told her the situation and asked her to calm down. She relented for hours, and I spent the entire night trying to calm her down, and finally got her to settle down by telling her, “Please notice I’m not yelling at you at all. So, please don’t accuse me of being the one who starts the yelling each time. I want to talk normal and discuss our issues, not fight over them.†In the end, we had another big expense hit us, and once she kept after me daily, I finally just decided to put the children in the public school nearby to bring peace in our home and finances. Even after doing so, she then holds it over my head that I wasted three (3) months of tuition, and I shouldn’t have put them in there to start with—we could have used that money for something else.

Turn of Events

Now, folks, understand, I am one of those romantic types of guys. I believe in chivalry, and going out of my way to open doors for ladies, buying flowers, and doing those silly things—like writing poems and singing songs for my lady. I’ve not been the fighting type, but I am indeed very practical, logical, and straight forward. Emotionalism is really one of my weak points, and I’ve always viewed it as an immaturity when someone will not discuss problems and act childish over them instead. I don’t want to sweep issues under a rug, I want to resolve them right away, put all cards on the table, and air it out so we can get a good night’s sleep. I want to be happy, faithful, and lasting with the woman I love, through good times and bad ones. That is my honest personality, but sometimes due to the stresses of my long work load, I tend to get overloaded and overwhelmed and I’m a little short when it comes to misunderstandings. Perhaps I occasionally have less compassion or understanding than I should have about given situations or feelings. I’ve grown to understand that of myself after what has happened recently, but I cannot expect myself to be perfect—but ever learning, and trying to improve instead. Who is not guilty of arguing with their spouse? Well, none of us, but what I am about to share with you has been the most surprising thing in this entire situation, and that is where I need the help of my fellow VJ’ers. I’ve said all of these things to help you understand our lifestyles before you delve into the love/fraud question I will pose to you. I want you to know the real us, so if you’re better at discerning this situation than I am, you’ll be in better position to advise me on how to handle things.

Well, a manager at my office tried to undermine me, and had a goal to try and take my position. She failed miserably, and we removed her from the office right away. As a result, some of the people she hired went haywire, and were found guilty of thefts—causing me over $17,000/mo in revenue. Due to the budget decrease at my district, I was unable to afford hiring another Area Manager at a competitive rate, so I ended up having to cover the workload myself. It was a great thing, actually, because I turned 80%+ of our business back into being profitable on the labor side, and stabilized the rest of it. Making more profit means greater bonuses for my district, which means more money in my pocket as well.

The drawback was that I now was forced to work evenings, rather than days, while maintaining my morning work as well. As a result, when I woke up, I dealt with customer complaints and did my paperwork for my office at home on my computer. Then when I got done, I took a quick nap, and then went to work until the late hours of the night. As for my wife, well, she got the kids ready for school, made a breakfast a lot of times for me, and then she went back to sleep. Once in awhile, I’d spend time with her, rather than taking a nap before heading to work if she was awake. Generally, though, once I got home, she and the children would be asleep already. I wouldn’t get to see any of them. One thing I failed to realize until later was she was technically alone the whole day. Kids at school, and me at work, and my mother working 2nd shift—it left my wife pretty much by herself the whole day with no one to talk to until the kids came home from school, and she’d be asleep when I came home. So, when I got home, I’d either wake her up and spend a little time with her, or I would goof around on my computer playing a game or surfing until I got sleepy myself (sometimes she would get ill if I woke her).

I could feel us drifting apart a little, but work was keeping me going so steady, I didn’t really notice it much. I had to stay focused to make sure I kept my job. After all, our District suffered a major loss, and I was determined to show my corporate that I could rebuild what our Area Manager had broken.

(G) Suspicions

All of a sudden, she stopped making any arguments with me. The provoking stopped and went away altogether. We ended up having the most amazing two (2) month relationship I could have ever imagined thereafter. Then out of nowhere, appeared the big surprise: the text of doom that brought things back with a twist.

My mother came home, and the children ran to her saying they walked home alone from the bus stop—then they said they do it every day. Well, children do lie, so my mother sent me a text message and asked me if I knew anything about my wife not picking up the children at the bus stop. We live in a busy area, and we certainly don’t want the kids snatched. I was busy at work, and knew nothing about it, so I sent her back a text and said, “Look, don’t ask me, I’m at work every day at this time. You’re home, go talk to the culprit yourself, and see if she’s responsible for that.†Well, my mother went and asked her, and she stated the children were not telling the truth. My mother sends me back a text and says, “False alarm. Kids are just being kids.â€

Well, things went fine for a couple of weeks, and my wife and I had an amazing time together—things were so perfect, and then she picked up my phone and started reading my text messages. She found the text I had sent to my mother, and she immediately flew off the handle for the first time in almost three months. She accused my mother of turning me against her, and influencing me behind the scenes, and anything else you can imagine. I honest don’t recall ever doing anything my mother ever said—even though she tends to always be right in the end. So I obviously didn’t buy that accusation at all, and tried to explain what the text meant. She wasn’t going to listen to that, and then she went and started a great bomb shell with my mother.

Next thing you know, the two women in the house hate each other over a text message regarding a previously resolved problem. I’m stuck in the middle, and beg them both separately to work things out like adults, and stop acting so childish over it. We’re all in the same home, and we need harmony for our arrangement to work. It gets worse, and my wife even asks me to take her side and make my mother leave right away. I told her, this is not about taking sides; I am stressed enough with work, and cannot the two of you work this out? She asked me who I would save if her and my mother were about to die? I told her, “What kind of question is that? Who lives and who dies is in God’s hands, I could never decide someone’s fate, but out of stubbornness and love I would try to save you both, and lose myself.â€

After a week of bitterness in the home, I finally convinced my mother to talk to my wife, and she tried. My wife didn’t care for it at all, and rebuffed her. My mother, after having tried to resolve the problem, got steamed and turned away bitter again after wasting three (3) hours. Then a week later I convince my wife to fix the problem, and when she confronts my mother, she was bitter and rebuffed my wife the same as happened to her the week prior. Now, they both turned away mad and bitter again, worse than before. I just shook my head in astonishment over the whole matter. A few days later, they got into another talk, and my wife was really being difficult toward my mother, and asked my mom if she wanted her to leave the house. My mother told her she doesn’t want her to leave, she just wants to make things right. Then my wife told her repeatedly that she was lying, and did want her to leave the house. Then my mother told her, “Look, if you don’t want to be here, and want to keep fighting, then sure I would want you to leave the house. That doesn’t mean I can make you leave, and I still don’t want you to leave. I want to fix this problem once and for all.†To my mother’s defense, the conversation was recorded, so I actually got to hear it myself later.

That day, I came home from work early and my wife was packing her things and crying, telling me my mom wanted her to leave the house right away, and she was going to leave right away. I am freaking out over this and told her, I don’t care what my mom wants; you cannot leave because she says that. You are my wife, and we need to work this out. She said, “I want you to look in my bags! I am only taking the things I brought with me from the Philippines. I’m not taking anything you bought me, so I don’t want you accusing me of stealing anything!†Then she tried pushing me aside, and I just stood there. I said, honey, let’s work this out! She starts screaming and wants me to move, and I resisted and tried to hug her to calm her down. She pushed me away and sat on our bed, and started telling me the conversation—lying dramatically about the whole incident (she didn’t realize the conversation had been recorded). After I listened to everything she had to say, I calmly played the recording in front of her. At the same time, I let her know that I had already spoken to my mother and told her never to say another word about my wife leaving the house under any circumstance—not her place, ever! After discussion, I managed to calm my wife down, and she started crying, laying on the bed claiming that she might be suffering from a mental disorder. I told her, honey, you are the most intelligent woman I know—you do not have a mental disorder.

About that time, someone knocks on my door quite loud. I go to the door, and behold there are cops there. My wife had been talking with friends she had made from the Filipino community local to our county, and she had been telling them about her “problems†all along. Well, she had informed them that day she was leaving, and they had called the police, claiming that I came in screaming at my wife while they were on the phone, and then the phone hung up. I was very calm when the officer had arrived, and explained to them what was going on over the text message. My wife kept saying, “My husband and his mother want me to leave this house!†They looked at me and asked, “Sir, do you want your wife to leave this house?†I told them, absolutely not. I want to work out our problem, and we just need to communicate. They told her, “See, ma’am, he doesn’t want you to leave the house.†They gave us some friendly advice, and left.

After a week, the tension was still so great, I finally got involved and argued with both of them to fix the problem; and to get me off their backs, they finally had their crying bit and worked out their problem with each other and even prayed together at church. Now, the problem was gone, but my wife became very distant and isolated.

She begins to do nothing but sleep and surf the internet. She refused to do dishes dirtied by my mother (indirect punishment), and she refused to do anything with the children except take them to the bus stop in the morning, and receive them in the afternoon. I could tell she was up to something, or changing. She stopped cleaning the house entirely, and just kept doing things (or not doing things) she knew were pet peeves of mine. She started telling her friends, family, and me that she felt like a slave. Once I got wind of this, I immediately started getting her involved with other things. I got her to help me at work a few days, and took her on the road with me. I let her go help operate the coffee shop we partly own in town. I started taking her out to eat each night, and watching movies with her. I started taking her and the children to more theatres/parks, etc. I got highly active on my Saturdays, rather than doing paperwork or resting. I spent more time holding her, and showing affection, etc. What was her reaction to these things? She didn’t say any word during our meals; she fell asleep each movie; she just stood there at the parks and did nothing to spend time with the kids; she went to bed early each night without even saying good night to me; and the list goes on. She was bored, and just plain boring to be around during this time. It was like being around a robot that was just going through the motions.

(H) Climax.

Well, in spite of these things, I became somewhat patient, and just overlooked it. She started warming up to me a little after doing so, and we had an amazing two days (in my opinion). Then on Saturday, my mother gets called in to her work (after just having started online courses on the weekend). She storms out the house to head to the hospital she works in, and works until about 4am that morning. Well, my wife went to bed early Saturday night, so I watched a movie by myself and then went to bed.

Sunday morning, the kids wake up early to get ready for church. My wife doesn’t bother to get out of bed to make them their breakfast. They start knocking on our door, and she ignores them. I get up to do it myself, and while in the restroom, I heard my daughter knocking again. My wife told her to go eat the biscuits in the bag—but not the leftover ones on the stove. My daughter comes back, and says, “They are cold, how do I heat them up?†My wife told her to give them to my son and let him use the microwave. I come out of the restroom, and my wife jumps up and goes to the restroom. As I opened my bedroom door, a voice came raging through the house. My mother had been awakened by the kids after only having a few hours sleep, and they told her that, “Mommy told us to cook our own food for breakfast.†Well, my mother screams through the house, “Fine! I will do it. I will take care of the kids too!â€

Once I heard that, it was evident to me that my mother and wife had not worked out anything at all. They were still mad at each other. I enter the kitchen and told her to go back to bed, and that we had just been awakened and were about to do this. She groans and says, “this isn’t the first time she’s neglected these kids and chores. She doesn’t work, and shouldn’t be above taking care of her own responsibilities.†She keeps on muttering nonsense, so I just left and went back to my room.

I was upset that these two women had not yet resolved their problems. When I questioned my wife about their supposedly resolved issues, she just ignored me and stayed in the restroom for over forty-five (45) minutes pretending nothing was happening. I just groaned and got the kids ready for church. We were invited to a lunch with some church friends, and went out to eat. My wife just sat there in church, lunch, and church again that night silent, and said no words the whole day to anyone.

Then that night we arrived home. I went out and bought some ice cream in hopes to cheer up my wife. I brought it to our room, and sat her down, and wanted to talk to her about what was “really†bothering her so much. Of course, she starts on me about my mother again—saying I’m taking my mom’s side, etc.—certainly not so, I had crawled my mother about the situation severely that afternoon. She starts trying to make some crazy point about something that didn’t matter and cast blame, so I said, “Look, honey, I don’t want to argue anymore. I just want us to apologize for everything, and move on happily, and pretend none of this has happened.â€

She persisted, and got upset that I didn’t want to argue. She starts in on me big time, and crying and carrying on. She tells me she wants me to choose again between her and my mother and says she wants my mother out of the house right away. I told her, look, if it will make you happy for my mother to go, we will do it, but we cannot throw her on the street right away. We have to prepare for it, and it’s going to take some time to work out. Therefore, the two of you really need to find a way to get along meanwhile. She got even more upset, and kept on about it. Finally, I lost my cool, and I told her how I felt about everything—although I didn’t raise my voice this time, I just emptied out a lot of stress at her. I brought up how she had not been making any effort to build relations with the children, and how she and mom were best friends this whole time, and now enemies over a text message. I told her that it’s not right to accuse me of slavery, when it’s her choice to do nothing all day, when she’s got a thousand other things she can be doing. I also explained that I know my mother is not the true problem, and I wanted to know what the problem really was. See, I’ve been through something similar before, and as I explained to her, I’ll explain to you below.

My ex-wife gave me some “lesson-learned†problems. I moved a town away from her mother after we first got married (she worshipped her mother), and she caused me problems far exceeding anything above (my ex-wife was a lunatic, plain and simple, honestly). The reason I moved was because her mother literally hated me for taking her “controlled†daughter in marriage. Then my mother came to town, and stayed with us a few weeks, and she hated that, so I quickly changed that situation. Then we moved to another state to get away from family altogether, and that didn’t fix anything. Then we moved to another state, and she got even worse. Finally, I gave in and just moved within walking distance of her very mother’s house, and then it just made my life even more complicated. No matter where I took her, it didn’t matter—she always hated my mother, because her own mother didn’t like me. I finally moved to another town due to college, and then that no good woman got into drugs, cheated on me and left me and the children. Certainly for the best, as she was extremely abusive to both me and the children. I don’t believe in infidelity or divorce, though, so I stubbornly endured it for seven (7) long years hoping things would eventually change.

Anyhow, I told my wife, that it wouldn’t matter if I threw my mother out on the street or not. I’ve tried appeasing that motive before, and turned out it was something entirely different—especially seeing how my wife and mother have been best friends for 8 months already and just turned sour the last two months. “There is another issue you won’t tell me about, and I want to know what it is.â€

Immediately, she accused me of comparing her to my ex-wife, and said, I am not your ex-wife (which wasn’t the point at all). Then she said, “I know you don’t trust me! You don’t trust me do you?†At this point, I’m really upset, and I tell her, “Look, I trust you, but sometimes you make it hard when I catch you in lies and you always want to argue. You never tell these kids you love them, hug them, or show them you care, and in spite of that, I’ve trusted you with their hearts—and they love you so much, and ask me to tell you goodnight. I just don’t understand you sometimes!†At that moment, I left the room, and went to the kitchen, and she went to sleep. I have very loving and amazing children in spite of all they’ve been through, and how any woman cannot warm up to them is astonishing. The truth be known, my wife was extremely jealous of the close relationship I have with my children. Any father knows how hard such a relation with your children is to accomplish, and I stand proud that my children love me.

Next morning, I woke up, and neither of us spoke, and I went on to work. I get a call from my mother later that day, and she had been locked out of the house while taking out the trash—now unable to get her car keys to go to work. She asks me to leave work and come let her in the house. So, I leave work, and let her in, and then I go to my bedroom to see if my wife was OK. It’s not like her to not respond and leave my mother locked out in the cold. I started to really grieve over our argument and hoped that my wife hadn’t done something emotionally detrimental. I decided I would apologize and get past it whether I was in the right or the wrong. Well, soon as I opened the door, my wife pushed me out of the way, and says, “I can’t take it anymore. I will just go to my sister’s house. I’m leaving. Bye.†She storms to the front door, and I ask her to come back, and I want to talk, and she hits me in the chest, and says, “Leave me alone!†She starts crying and walks outside and slams the front door. I just stand there with my jaw dropped, unable to decide what to do.

I finally get into my car, and drive down the road. She ignores me and walks to a gas station nearby, and stands by the pay phone. I begged her to come with me into the car. I asked her to go with me to our pastor and get some marriage counseling and advice to help us through this. She just keeps crying, and says, “Leave me alone. You can go have your mother. You don’t want me anymore. Go get your mother instead!†I told her I don’t mind finding another place for my mother, but we need to work this out now. She then walked away down the road again. I followed in the car—I couldn’t chase her on foot because of my knee surgery still being in recovery stages. She turned and went back to the gas station, and tried to use the pay phone to call the “Filipino community.†So, I called my pastor and explained to him what was going on and what I should do. He asked me to see if she would talk to him, but she went inside the gas station. I did not want to start a scene in there, and waited in the car outside for her to cool off. Instead, she comes outside and jumps into a car that pulls up with a man and woman, and they peel off. I caught the license plate with my eye, and wrote it down.

I was completely confused at the time (although, after giving it thought, and looking back over the entire situation, I came to realize a number of things). My pastor comforted me the best he could, and I went home to get the kids from their school bus stop, since she left me half an hour before they arrived home. I did not know what to do, or where they were taking her. She had left her cell phone behind, and I begin researching phone numbers on it, and text messages. She had been calling many numbers labeled as “FILCOM†(Filipino Community). No one would answer my calls to those numbers, so I called her sister and explained everything that had happened. She said that my wife told her completely different things, and was making me out to be a slave driver, etc.

Well, I have not heard from or seen my wife since.

(I) Investigation Begins.

Well, I assumed my wife was with these people who picked her up. I collected the phone numbers, license plate number, and tried to find all of the clues I could. She had never met these people, and I had no idea who they were either.

The next day, I figured she’d come back when she was done cooling off, and she was supposed to cook an international dish for church Wednesday night for all of the visiting Missionaries we had—I thought she’d surely come make things right by then. She never showed up on Tuesday.

I decided Wednesday morning to file a Missing Persons Report, and started calling everywhere I knew to call looking for her. While I am in the station filing a report, her sister sends me a text and says that my wife called her husband for a few minutes. She told him that she was in a safe home, and was OK, but could not give the location or a number out. They asked her if she would come to stay with them for awhile, and she declined their invitation, and said she would just work things out right here and undergo her counseling. The officer then decided the report was no longer needed, and we assumed she was in a shelter.

Well, I thank my God in heaven that my wife was still alive. I took this time of relief and started getting professional counseling for myself and preparing for when she comes home. I discovered many flaws in myself and how I could have made things better for her. I took a lot of counseling from a Filipina as well, on cultural behaviors that arise during culture shock that I was blind to previously.

Long story, even longer, I basically took realization to the whole situation. I realized that my wife was in a new country and culture, and away from all friends and family the first time, and dealing with two step-children, a mother-in-law, a new marriage, a new home, not working a professional job, and dealing with a miscarriage all at the same time—then at the same time dealing with the many other issues I described with my job and finances, and not getting her AOS/EAD right away—being bored at home, etc. The list goes on, and I realized why my wife was reaching a psychological breakdown. These are things I did not see beforehand because I am just so busy with my work and computer to notice her emotional struggles. I realized that I should have just been more patient, compassionate, and rather than arguing with her, just hugged and held her whenever she begin to start a tampo. I realized I just wasn’t as loving as I could have been, and let the stress of my work wear me down.

Of course, realizing these things too late does me very little good. Although, telling you how sorry of a person I am is not why I am here. I realized any and all of my mistakes, and I want to resolve them with her. If she comes home, she’ll be overwhelmed by my new desire to show her the greatest love and patience she’s known, rather than overwhelmed by our previous troubles. I will try my best to never give her another reason to walk out, and enjoy every minute she has with me.

Unfortunately, it seems that chance it looking more and more distant each day. The first sign I saw of her being alive was on Wednesday (3rd day absent), when she logged into her Yahoo Messenger for 3 minutes. Unfortunately, I was at my children’s bus stop, and did not see her log-in and log-out until I arrived home. She did not leave any message, or respond to the two messages I had left her. Since I noticed she had access to the internet, I quickly respond to all of her email accounts, and frienster, etc., with a grand apology, and explained about the counseling I was receiving, etc. I broke everything down, and let her know I was not upset at all, and wanted her to come home.

Since she logged into her Yahoo that one time, she has not been online one time since. She hasn’t checked any email, used yahoo messenger or answers, Friendster, or any other form of online communication. She’s made no phone calls, nor has she contacted any of her family or local friends we both know.

(J) Plan of Action

I was tired of waiting by Thursday. Leaving your family for four (4) days over a spat is ridiculous. We’ve never physically harmed each other in any way, and I know she was overwhelmed by a lot of things, but come on? I begin to question everything and everyone. I didn’t believe much of anything anymore. I started on a mission to find my beloved, and I wasn’t going to rest. I broke down emotionally in front of my children also, and finally told them the truth of what was going on. We all cried together, and since that day, we’ve prayed earnestly every day and night for her to come home and be with us—asking God to put peace and desire in her heart to be with her family again.

I also begin to question whether or not her sister told me the truth, and after searching my wife’s computer’s web history, and finding searches on Greyhound for bus tickets to her sister’s city three (3) weeks prior to any of this, I thought they were covering everything up. Then I didn’t hear from her sister for three days either, which didn’t ease my suspicions any. I called my wife’s mother in the Philippines and spoke with all of her family, and she hasn’t contacted any of them.

I shaved, dressed in blue and black with a tie, and I became an investigator on Thursday. I went to the gas station, police stations, and everywhere I could think of showing them pictures of my missing wife. I also used the phone numbers and license plate and did a reverse search. I tracked down the home of the couple who picked up my wife, and went straight to their home. Sure enough there sat the evil blue car in the driveway—owned by the meddlers. No one came to the door, and I walked around the neighborhood showing everyone pictures of my wife—including the Catholic Church and school next door. None had seen her, but said she appeared similar to the Filipina lady in the house nearby to some people. Also, there were no Filipinos in the area—all African American. I then wondered how legitimate these people where. They were supposed to be part of a Filipino Community, according to what they told my wife! No pinay here, except that one woman. The nearby businesses claimed that the married couple in that house were a really nice man and woman, though, so that calmed me briefly. I still didn’t know whether my wife was alive and well or not. I took a gospel tract, and wrote a message for my wife on it to call me, and placed it on that couple’s door. Then I went to work to handle some office issues.

Soon as I pull into the driveway, the husband calls me in a panic. He says he was scared and upset that I found where he lived, and told me that he swears they have not kidnapped my wife. He claimed they dropped her off at the police headquarters. I immediately went straight to the police headquarters, and spoke with Domestic Violence officers. They said she did come by days prior, crying and carrying on. They looked her over, listening to her story, and explained to her that she didn’t appear to be a victim of any kind of domestic violence, and really couldn’t help her. They did give her some information about shelters in the area and also told her she could get some marriage counseling, and said she left afterward.

There was a Greyhound station across the street, so I went there, and they told me that she had inquired about a bus ticket to the city her sister lives in, but they told me they were not at liberty to say whether or not she bought one, or arrived at her destination. I just knew then she had to be at her sister’s house. She had just enough cash on her for that $214 ticket. Then I reverse searched her sister’s information, found where she lived, and was making preparations to go there eventually if she didn’t contact me.

Friday morning, I went directly to our local police station and filed a Missing Person’s Report for my wife, and I then hope and pray for the best and for her safe return home. I also called back the guy who originally picked up my wife, and questioned where he took her after she left the police headquarters—surely her didn’t just drop her off and leave. He never answered or returned my calls, and I’m a little hesitant to go back to his house and ask him after all of this.

Saturday I spent time with church folks, and with my kids to get our minds off things. Sunday rolls around, and I arrive to church and my wife is not in the pew. Reality sets in on me, and I crack right then and there. My wife is not here—feels like there’s been a death in the family. I could not stop crying the whole morning. Every little thing reminded me about my wife: Objects, smells, sounds, songs, church members, my children, etc. My kids and I are completely broken. I speak with my pastor after church, and I even break down in front of him. He tries to encourage me the best he can. I truly love my wife so much, and I am devastated that she’s gone. I cannot eat much, and have already lost 10% of my weight since she left. My children won’t eat right either, and when I try to force them to eat, they cry and I end up having to hold them. We miss her so much. My babies are crying in my arms every night, and I’m also doing the same along with them.

That afternoon, my wife’s sister called me finally. She apologized for not calling me, but she works a long way from home, and leaves for days at a time, and left her cellphone at home. She assured me that my wife was not with her, nor has she heard from her since the previous Tuesday when she called her husband and said she was in a safe home. After much questioning, I was convinced my wife was not (eight) 8 states away, Thank God. 50% of my suspicions came to a halt quickly, and I realized I had wasted time and energies on a dead trail and false speculations.

On Monday, I start falling to pieces again, and that afternoon an Officer calls me and tells me they’ve located my wife. The officer explained that she wanted me to know she was safe, did not want me to know where she was right now, and would be in contact at a later time. That is all I got. I thanked the officer for letting me know my wife was OK. I was so excited that my wife had been found, and since a local officer found her, it means she must be in a local shelter home as she had stated to her sister last week. Thank God, she is safe!

Now, I focused intensely on this alternate idea—shelter home. I begin doing research and studying what these shelter homes are about. I am hoping and praying they are giving her sound advice and counseling on how to return to her husband and have a successful marriage. After reading a lot of forums, though, I am arriving to an alternate conclusion that may have opened up my eyes to a greater picture. One thing that really triggered my concern was when I arrived home on Monday, I got a letter from my wife’s credit card company—she had cancelled her credit card! Why? What on earth would she do that for? I begin realizing that she has her name on all of our finances, and also has the key to our house, my car, and the alarm fob on the key chain. Although, she’s made no transactions at all on any accounts, and I highly doubt she’d take anything. She’s very trustworthy when it comes to those things—at least in my experience of knowing her.

(K) Reality Sets In.

I discovered that there is a law passed by Bill Clinton in 1994 that supports immigrants called the VAWA act. Many Immigrants have found a loophole that allows them to claim any form of domestic violence, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, and any form thereof, and then bypass the normal requirements to attain citizenship. They can actually say whatever they want about their spouse, truth or not, and then receive free shelter, food, clothing, medical care, amenities, transportation, work permit, driver’s license, and a green card all within a period of about 90 days, expedited. Most shelters will require the aggressive spouse to have been arrested for domestic violence, first, though. The “accused†spouse gets no opportunity for defense, or the capability of making contact at any time with the partner making the accusations. These facilities are top-secret, and they are designed to keep men, women and children safe from their aggressors. Such is great for the real situations, but what about Immigrants taking advantage of this loophole and getting a free ride?

There are also support groups and attorneys at some facilities who specialize in working around any and all red tape, and you guessed it—they get to utilize those for free also. They educate and coerce the “victim†on how to get citizenship expedited, and take the opposing spouse for everything they can in the process.

I am now in a fix here. I have to decide whether my wife is genuinely upset over all of our situations, and is needing a space and timeout, and will eventually come home to her family; or has she been awaiting her Green Card all along, and started provoking me to do her wrong for this expedited process the moment she realized she’d have to wait until we were financially capable first? It makes sense, really; she fails at provoking me to wrath, and once she gives up, she starts trying my mother—whom she was best friends with the previous eight (8) months. Once she stops doing every single one of her responsibilities, the moment something is asked of her, she cries, “Slave!†Honestly, is it slavery to expect someone to simply pull their weight in a household—especially when they’re not working? Freeloading is OK for a little while, but eventually you need to do something. I never asked much from her at all. I don’t want to think that way, but so many others have been hurt in similar fashion, and I feel it is best to take a proactive approach toward defending my home and children.

I love my wife, and I never would have suspected that is what she would do to me. I still believe in my heart it is not her intent, and she’ll not heed any advice from such people. At the same time, she’s made NO effort to contact me at all for ten (10) days now, or get online, or anything.

The kids and I feel completely abandoned, and we don’t want to be at risk of losing anything if she does intend to do us that way. We still cry and pray for her every night, and if she does come home, I can tell you now that all will be forgiven and forgotten. I would prefer to view this as a chapter of our lives that we can learn valuable lessons from, and spend the rest of my life faithfully to this woman—whom I love unconditionally with my full heart. I cannot begin to stress how much I want her back, and if there was just a way I could contact her and let her know how we feel, I just know everything would be better.

Problem is knowing whether that is her intent, and whether she is willing to work things out or not. This has been a tough couple of weeks for our household, and I am very confused. Perhaps someone reading this has endured a similar situation, and came out on top. I really hope to find positive advice from this, and I know unexpected things happen when two cultures mix. Are they generally this severe though? Do Filipinas typically run away when they become overwhelmed, or am I facing a sure sign of marriage fraud? There are so many questions needing answering, and I gave as much information as I could bring to the table. I’m sure most of you read bits or pieces of this, since it was so lengthy, but hey, if you get confused, there are plenty of materials for you to reference.

I do not want to be a victim of either a second divorce or "abuse" fraud. My children and I have been through so much already. This is all overwhelming for us. Keep in mind, we have not filed for her AOS/EAD yet, and she did not have me arrested for any form of Domestic Violence. So, where do we stand right now? We have been married for 10 months.

Sad and lonely, brokenhearted, I write these things in search of wisdom. Thank you in advance for any and all support, prayers, and responses. Now, I just need to know what all of my options are, and the best plan of action to take. I pray for the best, but prepare for the worst.

To be continued . . .

she wants her own baby...u stalled on her ead and you spooked her when u wouldnt help her w fertility....i smell vawa a thousand miles away

[Valsu 1]

she wants her own baby...u stalled on her ead and you spooked her when u wouldnt help her w fertility....i smell vawa a thousand miles away

She knows I want a baby as much as she does. We already have the names picked out and waiting, whether boy or girl.

The doctor clearly told us we needed to wait at least 1 year before getting tested for fertility--says that pregnancy just takes time with some couples. My insurance told me the same thing--otherwise I'd be forking everything up front. I don't know how much it costs for the testing, but I know when my son cut his forehead, it cost me $700 to watch them put medical glue on his skin for 5 minutes. I can't imagine what extensive fertility testing would cost, and we seriously just don't have much funds right now.

Edited November 20, 2008 by Valsu

[Lili 3]

(((((hugs)))))

My heart goes to you... She seems immature from what I gather, she'd rather run away than face her issues. I also believe her Philcom might be giving her wrong advices... She never apologized when she lied abt the argument with your mom. The fact that your mom taped their conversation makes me think that she also thinks she might be a fraud. Have you talked to your mom about that?

Nobody knows what is really going through her head but her.

VAWA cases are really hard to get approved. The few cases that I have seen on VJ take years to get approved. She would need abounding paperwork to prove that abuse took place.

The truth of the matter is that she came on a K-1 visa and can only adjust with you. I don't think there is any way for her to be in this for a green card (if she is, then she is misinformed...).

However, you are a GREAT husband. You have analyzed the situation and have tried many times to make her more at ease. Whatever happens, I just hope you find peace in your heart and closure. You deserve better.

[Valsu 1]

(((((hugs)))))

My heart goes to you... She seems immature from what I gather, she'd rather run away than face her issues. I also believe her Philcom might be giving her wrong advices... She never apologized when she lied abt the argument with your mom. The fact that your mom taped their conversation makes me think that she also thinks she might be a fraud. Have you talked to your mom about that?

Nobody knows what is really going through her head but her.

VAWA cases are really hard to get approved. The few cases that I have seen on VJ take years to get approved. She would need abounding paperwork to prove that abuse took place.

The truth of the matter is that she came on a K-1 visa and can only adjust with you. I don't think there is any way for her to be in this for a green card (if she is, then she is misinformed...).

However, you are a GREAT husband. You have analyzed the situation and have tried many times to make her more at ease. Whatever happens, I just hope you find peace in your heart and closure. You deserve better.

Awe, thank you for the very kind words. You now, the irony is, I thought a woman 5 years older than me would exceed my own maturity level. I have no idea what the filcom fed her, but once she got associated with them, I could sense some coniving mannerisms appearing.

My mother didn't really suspect her for fraud, but instead was tired of being made out to be the bad guy. What my wife didn't see or understand, was that I confronted my mom with everything--always taking my wife's side (even though she accused me otherwise). My mother couldn't really defend herself, because their arguments took place while I was at work. It was my mother's way of saying, "See, I told you I'm not starting it." Since my wife left, I have discussed it thoroughly with my mother. My mother is also willing to forgive and forget everything the same as myself, and is willing to move as well if it will make my wife happy.

From stories I have read, I thought VAWA cases were relatively easy--especially since their attorney's are provided at no charge. I can be wrong, though, and of course that's why I'm here.

I hope I can be the BEST husband. Some people pick on me and call me Michael Scofield (Prison Break), because I always over-analyze everything. I hope I can find that peace or closure as well. I need to know whether to be patient, or to move on.

I can't say I deserve better, but I can say I at least desire her to meet a few expectations. Acting her age is certainly one characteristic I would admire from her. I love her dearly, and if she leaves me, I don't know how I could ever move on again. I give everything to this woman, and end up betrayed in the end, what should I do with that? Is there really another woman out there for me? I really believe she is my soul mate, and I hate to think that she has abandoned us. How could I ever risk putting my son and daughter through this again--let alone myself? I just want a woman who can love me and my children equally--I know she loves us, but she's overwhelmed right now. I also don't want some other man sweeping her up on the rebound while she's vulnerable, and ruining the life she spent 35 years keeping pure until marriage to me. I have no idea what she's doing while coming and going from that sheler, nor do I know what they might be feeding her mind with there.

They won't even let me contact her in any way. I can't even write a letter to her, and I have a strong feeling I know which shelter she's in since there's only one in our area that lets you stay for more than 3 days.

If she leaves me, do I look abroad again, or just stop looking at all? So many questions plague my mind and heart.

[Pinay Wife 47]

Your wife was not the same after she suffered a miscarriage, right?

Please try to research about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression. I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist but it seems your wife is exhibiting most of the symptoms of both illnesses. Your wife may be needing immediate medical attention.

I hope you stay with her until she comes back to her old self.

[Valsu 1]

Your wife was not the same after she suffered a miscarriage, right?

Please try to research about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression. I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist but it seems your wife is exhibiting most of the symptoms of both illnesses. Your wife may be needing immediate medical attention.

I hope you stay with her until she comes back to her old self.

I would have never thought that needed medical attention. Thank you! I will do that right away. I'll do anything to help her through this struggle.

Of course, I plan to wait on her to return home with us. I waited two years to get her here, I'm not about to turn my back on her now.

[Valsu 1]

Oh my heavens, after reviewing this miscarriage situation, it all makes more sense. This article really caught my heart. This explains our situation perfectly, and literally broke my heart just now. This is precisely what my baby is going through, and I cannot be there to help her through it. I hope they are giving her the proper treatment and medical care in that shelter. I cannot believe I did not see this before. I feel so heartless now about everything. I should have researched this long ago when we went through this miscarriage initially. I had no idea it was this severe.

Thank you so much for pointing this out. I found this article below, and many others.

http://www.steadyhealth.com/articles/Psych..._a566_f104.html

"Woman recovers from miscarriage rather quickly- in a matter of few weeks. However, in most cases psychological recovery, especially of child is planned and wanted, take longer time. Of course people differ in this- the same as we differ in ways we grief: some recover in a matter of few months, while others need more time, sometimes even more than a year. Others may approach to the loss of a child with more optimistic approach and hope for new pregnancy.

For those who do go through the process of grief it is often like the baby had been born but died. This is understandable- as soon as parents find out for pregnancy they start to develop bond with so much wanted child. When miscarriage happens, all their dreams and plans for the future and devastated.

Studies about abortion were made (abortion is comparing to miscarriage induced procedure!) and statistics showed the following: only 8 weeks after abortion, researchers found that 44% women complained of nervous disorders, 36% had experienced sleep disturbances, 31% had regrets about their decision, and 11% had been prescribed psychotropic medicine by their family doctor!

Besides the feeling of loss, understanding by friends and family is also very important. For people who have not experience miscarriage is hard to understand and empathize with what has occurred and what their friends must go through. Some people are very supportive and sympathetic, while others either disregard the depth of your feelings or discount the real pain you are experiencing.

Besides that, interaction with pregnant women or newborn children may also be very painful for parents who have experienced miscarriage.

Studies show that women, who had experienced miscarriage suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychological dysfunction which results from a traumatic experience. This traumatic experience overwhelms a person's normal defense mechanisms resulting in intense fear, feelings of helplessness or being trapped, or loss of control."

[Cassie 8]

Methinks you have found a good place to start.

[maliciant 7]

I realized that my wife was in a new country and culture, and away from all friends and family the first time, and dealing with two step-children, a mother-in-law, a new marriage, a new home, not working a professional job, and dealing with a miscarriage all at the same time—then at the same time dealing with the many other issues I described with my job and finances, and not getting her AOS/EAD right away—being bored at home, etc.

That is the short version of your story, I read the whole thing and the quote is probably the most important part. To me that sounds like a recipe for crazy, especially the miscarriage and the AOS, I see from your other reply you apparetly hadn't realized what a huge issue a miscarriage could be, considering the filipino culture and her age it's probably a lot more significant.

The other thing, the AOS, I can see holding off a month or two due to finances if you are generally able to pay everything up front, but this is also another huge issue, until that AOS is filed she IS somewhat of a prisoner, she can't work, she can't travel home (short of repeating the whole immigration process via K3) and has somewhat of an uncertain future in america. You indicated in the post and the title of the post that fraud is possible, and from what you wrote there are reasons to suspect it, you've apparently been here long enough to know that pretty much any post in this forum where a marriage ends the USC tends to suspect it was fraud all along... america in general is paranoid about visa fraud and to make it worse, it's a boogey man subject, short of someone saying they used you for fraud you don't ever really know for sure and my guess is most of the time that's not the case, unfortunately as USC's we're stuck with having that suspicion for some time into the relationship, because if nothing else we are reading about some pretty unbelievable cases where after 1, 2, 3 years marriage it turns out to be a total sham... well failing to file AOS is kind of the reverse of that, it leaves your wife in a position of being a slave, she is completely dependant on you, and having not filed the AOS leaves her in a position of wondering if she's being used too. Another issue is that once you are out of school, it's harder to meet new friends, you've moved around enough that you've probably picked up on that, and odds are you met most of the new aquaintences after moving through work, and this is something your wife doesn't have the option of doing either (other than volunteering somewhere which I think is a good idea while waiting for the AOS especially for someone who is used to working). But the reason the failure to file AOS really bugs me, you said financial reasons prevented that, AOS isn't cheap but from a purely financial stand point even working at mcdonalds or some other poor paying job that ANYONE can walk in off the streets and get hired for will likely cover the cost of AOS after the first month, never mind the other social advantages of her having a job.

Hopefully things will get a chance to get worked out, and I can only hope that I don't find myself an a similar situation, it sounds like you tried to make it work, I don't know how unbiased your version of events is but it seems you tried to keep things as factual as you could, and well, keep us updated about the situation, no one likes a cliffhanger ending (you especially I think).

[STEPHnRIA 2]

She wants to have a baby with the US Citizen husband. She is willing to go through fertility testing. She wants a family...and she is a suspect of fraud. Wow! Think again...

[Gemmie 142]

I also think the part that Maliciant highlighted is the most important part of this situation.

I think (generally), the USC underestimates how hard it will be for the fiance/spouse to make the move... for instance, my fiance loves me unconditionally and would do anything to make this work. I knew that as understanding as he was, he couldn't understand how it would feel until he was put in that position, and we proved that. I told him to imagine how hard this process is going to be (before we started it) and he told me a lot of positive things about how I would find a job, make new friends, get our own place, start a family... I would simply adjust and it wouldn't take me years to do so. However, when I asked if he thought it would be easier for him to move to the UK... that was suddenly a slap to the face. He started saying how he wouldn't be able to drive over there, he wouldn't be able to find a decent job in his market, he wouldn't make new friends easily.. and that was when he realised "emotionally" how hard it was going to be for me, rather than intellectually.

In the same way, I ask you if you understood both intellectually *and* emotionally what your wife experienced with all of those adjustments she was going through, as well as the added factor of a miscarriage. Of course it can be difficult to file for AOS when you're having problems financially and you certainly had your reasons for not being able to do so... BUT from the perspective of the non-USC, I can see how terrible that must feel. I'm British, so don't have as many cultural shocks as a Fillipina, and I can already tell you that not having the choice to get out there and work, have responsibility, learn for yourself, simply have the things that you need as a human being for that long, must be devastating. Furthermore, to add to the helpless feeling of being a "prisoner" (since she can't do anything for herself), she lost (to her, at least) the right to even have a baby, something that is extremely important to her. I can only imagine how much heartbreak she endured, and I don't mean that as an attack against you, as you seem like a caring and supportive husband who simply never realised just how inhumane she was feeling.

So no, I don't think she's committing fraud.

I think it's a natural response to an unnatural situation.

[Valsu 1]

That is the short version of your story, I read the whole thing and the quote is probably the most important part. To me that sounds like a recipe for crazy, especially the miscarriage and the AOS, I see from your other reply you apparetly hadn't realized what a huge issue a miscarriage could be, considering the filipino culture and her age it's probably a lot more significant.

The other thing, the AOS, I can see holding off a month or two due to finances if you are generally able to pay everything up front, but this is also another huge issue, until that AOS is filed she IS somewhat of a prisoner, she can't work, she can't travel home (short of repeating the whole immigration process via K3) and has somewhat of an uncertain future in america. You indicated in the post and the title of the post that fraud is possible, and from what you wrote there are reasons to suspect it, you've apparently been here long enough to know that pretty much any post in this forum where a marriage ends the USC tends to suspect it was fraud all along... america in general is paranoid about visa fraud and to make it worse, it's a boogey man subject, short of someone saying they used you for fraud you don't ever really know for sure and my guess is most of the time that's not the case, unfortunately as USC's we're stuck with having that suspicion for some time into the relationship, because if nothing else we are reading about some pretty unbelievable cases where after 1, 2, 3 years marriage it turns out to be a total sham... well failing to file AOS is kind of the reverse of that, it leaves your wife in a position of being a slave, she is completely dependant on you, and having not filed the AOS leaves her in a position of wondering if she's being used too. Another issue is that once you are out of school, it's harder to meet new friends, you've moved around enough that you've probably picked up on that, and odds are you met most of the new aquaintences after moving through work, and this is something your wife doesn't have the option of doing either (other than volunteering somewhere which I think is a good idea while waiting for the AOS especially for someone who is used to working). But the reason the failure to file AOS really bugs me, you said financial reasons prevented that, AOS isn't cheap but from a purely financial stand point even working at mcdonalds or some other poor paying job that ANYONE can walk in off the streets and get hired for will likely cover the cost of AOS after the first month, never mind the other social advantages of her having a job.

Hopefully things will get a chance to get worked out, and I can only hope that I don't find myself an a similar situation, it sounds like you tried to make it work, I don't know how unbiased your version of events is but it seems you tried to keep things as factual as you could, and well, keep us updated about the situation, no one likes a cliffhanger ending (you especially I think).

Actually, most of the new acquaintances we've met have been through church. I meet a lot of people at work, but they're just applicants looking for work, and employees, so they are not really acquaintances--especially since I'm their employer. At the same time, I've brought my wife to work with me countless times, and I also partly own another business in town that she can help operate--which she volunteered to do a few times. I did many other things to try and get her out of the house as often as possible.

Then again, I know the late AOS was always an issue, but I fail to understand what McDonald's has to do with it? She doesn't have a work permit, so she cannot work at McDonald's. My income matches my expenses for the most part, and anytime we managed to save up enough for it, we got smacked with a large expense--which we couldn't have paid for if we had filed. In order to help expedite the process, I even got another credit card, and started putting bills and my work's reimbursable items on it to help build up our cash flow into our checking account. I will have had this achieved by Thanksgiving this month, and can apply in the first week of December.

In my honest opinion, if you truly love someone, papers shouldn't matter. You should be happy enough that you are with the person you love, and be patient. Could be worse, such as waiting two (2) years without the person you love while waiting for papers to process--which was mind numbing. Nonetheless, I've determined in my heart now that the miscarriage is the key behind everything, and she is extremely sensative to all things right now. If I can only get in touch with her, and let her know how willing I am to help, I just know I can resolve this.

Edited November 20, 2008 by Valsu

[Valsu 1]

She wants to have a baby with the US Citizen husband. She is willing to go through fertility testing. She wants a family...and she is a suspect of fraud. Wow! Think again...

Having children is seriously not an exemption to fraud. I honestly do NOT think she is a fraud, but I still must be precautious after the way she went about leaving so abruptly.

I know very many cases where kids were involved with fraudulent marriages.

There was one guy I knew personally, and actually babysitted his two beautiful filipino-american children a few times back when I was in college. His wife actually married him, had two kids with him, and then left him and her own kids behind without a word of why. Later, he found out that she actually had a boyfriend from the Philippines who she was waiting for to enter the country and get his greencard. He married a US woman, fraudulently used her, and moved here also. Once both the filipinos had their greendcards, they both abandoned their spouses, and moved together to Florida--leaving both American spouses and a total of 5 children behind. Never even contacting their own children since, and leaving their former spouses holding the bags. Fraud from the begining.

Another situation is a guy who had his own child coming into a relationship, and then had one child with a german lady. She waited for him to file the AOS, and once he did, she provoked him, and then punched him in the neck. When he verbally defended himself, the police were called, and he was arrested for DV 5th degree. He lost his job, his home, his car, and both of his children (including the one from a previous marriage), and became a criminal with a record overnight. She managed to self-apply for AOS using VAWA while living in his home, and sued him for child support for both children--pretty much took him for everything. He was forced to turn over his car, soley in his name, to her--which didn't even have a driver's license.

Sure, you say those are rare occasions, but you cannot be naive and suspect such things cannot happen to you. While I do not believe my wife is doing this at all, I still must be precautious for the sakes of my children, home, and career I've worked ever so diligently to obtain.

When someone just abandons you, for any reason, it brings you to question their sincerity.

I know, however, with the miscarriage, she's just not thinking straight right now, and hopefully she comes around soon.

Edited November 20, 2008 by Valsu

[Valsu 1]

I also think the part that Maliciant highlighted is the most important part of this situation.

I think (generally), the USC underestimates how hard it will be for the fiance/spouse to make the move... for instance, my fiance loves me unconditionally and would do anything to make this work. I knew that as understanding as he was, he couldn't understand how it would feel until he was put in that position, and we proved that. I told him to imagine how hard this process is going to be (before we started it) and he told me a lot of positive things about how I would find a job, make new friends, get our own place, start a family... I would simply adjust and it wouldn't take me years to do so. However, when I asked if he thought it would be easier for him to move to the UK... that was suddenly a slap to the face. He started saying how he wouldn't be able to drive over there, he wouldn't be able to find a decent job in his market, he wouldn't make new friends easily.. and that was when he realised "emotionally" how hard it was going to be for me, rather than intellectually.

In the same way, I ask you if you understood both intellectually *and* emotionally what your wife experienced with all of those adjustments she was going through, as well as the added factor of a miscarriage. Of course it can be difficult to file for AOS when you're having problems financially and you certainly had your reasons for not being able to do so... BUT from the perspective of the non-USC, I can see how terrible that must feel. I'm British, so don't have as many cultural shocks as a Fillipina, and I can already tell you that not having the choice to get out there and work, have responsibility, learn for yourself, simply have the things that you need as a human being for that long, must be devastating. Furthermore, to add to the helpless feeling of being a "prisoner" (since she can't do anything for herself), she lost (to her, at least) the right to even have a baby, something that is extremely important to her. I can only imagine how much heartbreak she endured, and I don't mean that as an attack against you, as you seem like a caring and supportive husband who simply never realised just how inhumane she was feeling.

So no, I don't think she's committing fraud.

I think it's a natural response to an unnatural situation.

You're right, and thank you for this nice response. I would have loved moving to the Philippines to be with her, honestly. When we discussed it originally, however, I knew it would be impossible because of my debts at the time. We actually had made plans of possibly moving there in 6-7 years once we get all of our bills paid off. With both of us working, we could easily achieve debt freedom in under 3 years. My income meets the needs, and her income would just be pure extra. With her education, I'm quite positive she could make much more than me--especially with her knowing 9 languages.

At the same time, I've never endured through a miscarriage before directly, and had no idea what emotional impacts it causes to a woman. I feel terrible for not seeing it before, and my heart is immensely broken for her. I just want to hold her, and give her the support I failed to give previously toward that--of course, now, I can't. I hope she will come back to me.