marry or go home?

[Knoll 1]

Hi All,

I would like some ideas from the VJ audience. I can make the decisions but I am curious as to what others would do in my situation. My fiancé is here in the United States (New Jersey) with me and her K-1 expires December 6th. We rushed the K-1 filing before letting our relationship develop. So when she arrived, we really did not know each other well. Things started out okay but have gone downhill since. In short, I feel like I have a roommate in my house and not someone who is falling in love with me, or if she is, she has a strange way of showing it. There is little affection and we sleep in separate rooms. We both have never married and are both inexperienced in relationships. We both have lived alone before now. We have had arguments but never anything violent and no yelling. I have been very clear that I want a serious relationship and marriage whereas she has not. She comes from eastern Ukraine and is paranoid about trust (which I am told is a common mentality there?). She has difficulty trusting anyone including me. So her big obstacle to opening up to me is trust, in my opinion. In any case, I am planning the marriage but I have her plane ticket to return home also if we don’t marry. My hope is she has a change of heart and warms up to me before she has to leave but it seems only a miracle can make that happen. So I am contemplating marrying her and hoping it works out. That seems our only option if we need more time together, short of her going home and re-applying for a K-1, etc.

Does anyone know someone who has married to satisfy the K-1 visa but shortly after divorced?

Please no wise remarks or clichés like “if it was meant to be, it will be”

Thanks

Tim

[Kathryn41 3,205]

You might want to post this on the Russian forum where other members with Ukrainian spouses might read your message. It could be that cultural differences are greater than you appreciate, or it may be that there is a lack of interest. Someone from the same background may be able to give you some more useful advice. You can find the Russian forum here: http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showforum=98 Good luck with your choices and decision.

[Chris & Mara 0]

Noll

If you take a look on these forums you will find plenty that have married and then divorced, some have spent more time getting the visa then they have in the actual marriage....

I guess it really is a case of, had the girl been someone in your own country how would you have gone about the situation? And is she really someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with on the whim that she "might warm up"?

In the end is this going to be a marriage that you are now forcing the point of because you have both gone through the hideous K1 process or is it that you feel that marriage is the step you need to make in life.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Moved to the Russia forum.

This is not the type of thing to be entered into lightly and both of you sound extremely unprepared.

You don't know each other...there are intimacy and trust issues going on.

Not a great way to start out a marriage or life together, especially when you two sound almost like strangers.

Personally, I wouldn't go through with it..but it's your life.

Best of luck.

[KAT&Allie 0]

Tim,

I'm sorry to hear that it's not working out as you originally hoped for. I think you need to be very careful here. You said yourself that it feels like you have a roommate now and it really shouldn't, certainly not at this point in your relationship. 50 years on, maybe but not now. The chances are that if she is not all that interested now, she won't be once you marry her either. Also, if you have doubts now, that in itself should tell you a lot and I think you should listen to your instincts. Nobody here knows the situation as well as you do. You need to look out after your own interests as well and need to ask yourself why she wants to marry you, if she shows no emotional or physical interest in you. Unfortunately, there are plenty of stories on VJ about people whose relationships didn't work out or they felt used by the other person just to gain access to USA. I can't offer you any solid advice apart of being careful and thinking this one through.

Good luck and I sincerely wish you both all the best.

[payxibka 10,045]

Does anyone know someone who has married to satisfy the K-1 visa but shortly after divorced?

Not sure what kind of an answer you want to your question... yes or no? perspective? ramifications to immigration benefits?

[Mononoke28 135]

Short and to the point.

Yes you can marry with someone who came in with a K1 visa and then she can Remove Conditions if she can prove the marriage was legit.

No I wouldn't marry her. It's obvious she doesn't love you enough to marry you and no one wants to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way.

Best wishes and I hope you make the right decision.

Diana

[Knoll 1]

Thanks to all who replied so far. I am grateful to get comments from people who are experienced at this. What is frustrating is if she would give our relationship a chance I believe it would work but she chooses to close up like a clam and focus on all negatives not my positives. My guess is she would go home and miss me and want to be with me again.

[payxibka 10,045]

I would agree that you should not marry just to satify the K-1... If you need more time, take it... Her status can be "repaired" if you do ultimately get married to each other... the difference is the path you take...It is not the end of the world...

On the other hand, if she happens to marry a different man her status cannot be "repaired" without going home.

[mox 298]

Not sure why this was moved to the Russia forum as it doesn't really seem to matter about the country.

Anyway...

Getting married and "hoping" it works out is a seriously risky strategy. What's the plan if it doesn't work out?

One thing you didn't mention...what are her thoughts? Does she want to try this marriage? Or does she just want to go home? Is language a big part of the issue, or are you able to talk to each other fine and just don't?

You have a lot of people telling you not to do it. But here's what I say: give it one more go. Pretend you are visiting her again, and that you are on a 2 week visit. Woo her, date her, make a serious effort to get to know her. If at the end of that time the magic still isn't there, I think the decision should be obvious.

But whatever you do, don't try to force something that isn't there. It's better to part as friends than to part with lawyers.

Good luck.

[Kotenochek 0]

I am sorry to hear about it...Moving to the USa is definitely not an easy process,and i am sure all couples have missunderstanding first,but not to the point where they sleep in a different rooms...Trust issues are normally personal problems ,not national...

I would not rush into marriage,since nbody wants to have an extra divorce..and if there is no affection now what is going to be later on?

In cse if she goes back and things change between you ,you could always file k1 again,if embassy will see you flolowed both rules,i dont think it will be a problem getting another one...

anyways.good luck!!!!!you need to discuss this between each other!

[Knoll 1]

Thanks payxibka and mox, good ideas. I agree that it is not "the end of the world", there is no other option if we want a another sincere effort, other than marriage (without her returning home again, etc). We could always annull the marriage if needed and it is not as complicated as a formal divorce with expensive lawyers etc. Of course, I realize it is a gamble, but then what if it does work out?? It would have been the right move. I am 45 my options are slim at my age so why not take the chance, is how I look at it. She may end up being the one to choose to go home anyway and not marry.

misunderstandings are a big factor! while we can communicate okay, it only takes a few comments that are misunderstood by her to really sour her mood towards me. then trying to "correct" myself only makes it worse. Trust in another huge factor!! It is hard for her to open up.

I will try the "fresh" start approach

[Knoll 1]

Intimacy would definitely help relax us both and would probably help to open her heart a little too. My experiencne is a woman is less critical of a man's faults when she is intimate with him. It is frustratiung because if we could just get to this level, a lot of her our "issues" wouldn go away. no intimacy is a contributing problem, in my opinion.

[payxibka 10,045]

Thanks payxibka and mox, good ideas. I agree that it is not "the end of the world", there is no other option if we want a another sincere effort, other than marriage (without her returning home again, etc). We could always annull the marriage if needed and it is not as complicated as a formal divorce with expensive lawyers etc. Of course, I realize it is a gamble, but then what if it does work out?? It would have been the right move. I am 45 my options are slim at my age so why not take the chance, is how I look at it. She may end up being the one to choose to go home anyway and not marry.

misunderstandings are a big factor! while we can communicate okay, it only takes a few comments that are misunderstood by her to really sour her mood towards me. then trying to "correct" myself only makes it worse. Trust in another huge factor!! It is hard for her to open up.

I will try the "fresh" start approach

You didn't understand... you do NOT need to marry before the I-94 expires... If you do marry her beyond the 90 day period her status is adjusted another way and not simply from K-1, but it is doable.... Make sure you are ready for this before you go down the marriage path eneededly or too early.

Edited November 12, 2008 by payxibka

[Knoll 1]

sorry typos before: correct sentence, "It is frustratiung because if we could just get to this level, a lot of her our "issues" would go away. Having no intimacy in our relationship is a contributing problem, in my opinion. "