Update of everything (not very good news) :(

[JayJay 4]

Hi all,

I have some not so good news - I wish I could tell you differently, but this is what happened to us on October 10th.

I was 37 weeks and four days pregnant on the Thursday, and went into what we all thought was labor. I had been planning a homebirth so we settled into the tub after a few hours and all was well - the heartbeat was strong. I'd been bleeding a little, which we thought was the cervix opening - wasn't a large amount of blood - very normal as far as we were concerned.

But then all of a sudden the heartbeat was low. I got out of the tub because I thought I was overheating and had to have a cool shower, but reached the bathroom and passed out. Shortly after that we couldn't hear the heartbeat at all - from right there, to gone. My midwife thought she could still hear her heart beating but I couldn't. We rushed to the hospital.

Once we were there (they'd been alerted to us coming) I was put on a gurney and rushed into the OR where I was catheterized, prepped for an emergency c section and that was scary as heck. They couldn't find her heartbeat, using the ultrasound or the doppler. I was put under general anesthetic and woke up at 9am to find out my Josie Jae had died. Everything shattered.

For the first day and a half, the crash cart sat outside my hospital room door. I'd lost a lot of blood - I guess they were afraid I'd die. Afterward I foud out I wasn't considered relatively clear until the following day. They had everyone come to see me and the priest prayed for me and my baby girl. I had a transfusion that first day and another the following day. The placenta had abrupted suddenly and completely, and that's why she'd died.

She was beautiful though - we had her the whole day and I had her the whole night. Since nobody really knew if I'd pull out, they had the family and little Josie right there the entire time since emotional support is considered the best way to help someone keep fighting - the living people give you a reason to keep going and Josie being there for 24 hours helped me not let go, whereas I think had she been taken away from me, I might have had a much harder time. As it was, I got to hold her for that day and slept overnight with her in my arms, and nobody told me I was being nuts or tried to say I should give her up. That was nice. I got to bond with her and memorize her. She was perfect - 6lb 6oz and 19.5 inches long - just beautiful. I love her.

The funeral home man came to take her away the following morning at about 10.30am, and I said goodbye - he cried and held her like a living baby. That was my goodbye, so though we had a funeral and she was shown there on the Monday (13th) I'd already said goodbye so the little serene baby in the little box was kind of not her any more, know what I mean? I've been out and seen her grave once since she died, last Thursday. I put some things on it.

Physically I'm recovering very well. People have rallied around and I've been taking a lot of vitamins each day to help heal, since I do want to heal well because though Josie was my first biolgical baby with Harry, she won't be my last - that I know. They did the c section so well considering - the cut is just as small as a regular c section. I did have a lot of bruising because of the speed of the section though - they got her out in 8 minutes flat. That's mostly gone now though.

Mentally I am apparently doing well. I've been out to Wal Mart (not in my home town though - that is proving hard because everyone knows me and I really can't deal with lots of people either talking to me or running away - it's too much mental input right now) and stuff and I've been off the percocet and most of the ibuprofen since Monday of last week. I hit mental overload about four hours after getting up though and then I tend to crash and have to reboot because everything gets too much. I have no idea how I am going to go back to work - I have no confidence right now - everything has changed. Doing a simple task is sometimes hard - you know, when you're grieving, loading the dishwasher seems like an achievement! It's so silly but so normal at the same time, I know. It's very up and down.

Harry and I are very close indeed - we're so fond of one another and our love is strong, so we're cuddling a lot and he is talking to me when I feel totally crazy. He is my rock - not because he's being strong for me, but because he's not afraid to keep cuddling me when I feel like I'm coming apart at times. I cuddle him a lot too because he needs that as well. We are open about everything to everyone and it's better that way than not talking about it because we really want to deal with the grief properly now, and be alright again. This is our second experience with stillbirth - my brother died in '86 - my mother lost half her blood supply birthing him because of *amazingly* an abrupted placenta. The odds of having one are about 1 in 100,000 or so in England. The odds of me having one as well as her are staggering really - it's not a genetic issue either, which makes it even more amazing. I didn't think lightning would strike twice, but then neither does anyone else who gets hit twice, do they? Harry lost his first daughter in another relationship back in May of 2000 - Alauna Marie. It would seem awful to have to go through this twice, but in some ways, going through it once already has helped us know what to expect and we know kind of how it's going to go. At first I seriously thought I'd broken Harry with this second time, but he says I didn't - I am still so sad for him though. I love him so much. He's such a good man.

We made a website for Josie - somewhere we could put everything together - pregnancy pictures, pictures of her etc. She just looks like she's sleeping really - such a gorgeous baby. We made a beautiful child together - she looks like a cross between me and Harry. Please feel free to visit - there are so many lovely photos that I really do love though some of them are sad. The address is:

http://josiejae-eytcheson.last-memories.com/index.php

In a few months we will likely let nature take it's course again, and we will try to have another baby in that relaxed "whatever will be" kind of way - that's the way Josie was conceived. Gosh I miss her so much. I'm so glad we got to spend time with her.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

[doodlebugg 10]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[Marilyn. 340]

I am so sorry for your loss (F)

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I am so very sorry

[Nessa 23]

I'm so sorry for your loss

[Sprailenes 47]

I am so so sorry this has happened to you.

She is a beautiful baby.

[Mags 112]

I'm so very sorry, JayJay. My thoughts are with you and Harry.

[bevs 0]

im so sorry this is very sad, and right now i feel your pain. u just made me cry little angel, i know your happy right now and will keep watching mommy and daddy everyday.

[LaL 418]

Edited October 28, 2008 by LaL

[Imua 0]

[sara..... 371]

she is so beautiful i am sorry our prayers are with u and ur family

sara

[trinket 30]

[bevs 0]

she's just sleeping and watching her family, oh GOd, seeing her make me , your so pretty indeed little angel. im so sorry for what happened

[Ban Hammer 13,113]