ever had one of these days?

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to chit yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it again the next day, both of your azz cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement #2". Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the rest-rooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at

the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the rest-rooms, which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly

woman turned into the isle.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then it made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the rest-rooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal azzplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my azz is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "holy chit!", then quickly left.

Once finished, I left the rest room, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take

care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Kroger. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[sara..... 371]

:rofl: :rofl: omg im still laughing tears are rolling down my face :rofl: :rofl:

[Scott & Lai 12]

eeeeeeeeew, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew, and eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew

[Sister Fracas 5]

OMG

[Nagishkaw 510]

[LoriLawless 0]

That's the funniest thing I've read in a while!

[*JG* 2]

That's the funniest thing I've read in a while!

Ditto. Thanks for the laughs

[Niels Bohr 72]

Very well writ! The art from an English major.

[GabiandVi 34]

The same thing happened to me on Sunday. Only it was a Korean run supermarket in China and the culprit was maple syrup and orange juice. I needed my carbonation fix but the only soda I had in the house was soda water. I don't like straight soda water, so I mixed it with some of my daughter's orange juice. Soda water and orange juice is not very tasty, I discovered, so I doctored it with a shot of the maple syrup my Canadian friend had willed me upon her departure back to the land of long days.

The supermarket I go to is a 20 minute taxi ride from my home, and I enter it on the third floor where I can fill my basket with stationery, electronics, toys, and toiletries before heading down the moving ramp to the second floor where they stock all the groceries. At the children's clothing department immediately upon entering the store, I felt a sudden wrenching in my intestines. This was totally unexpected because I had made sure to wait until both I and my daughter had had our morning constitutionals before heading out to hail the cab. The last thing I ever want to do is use a public toilet in China. I couldn't imagine what had brought this fearful urge on, and I squeezed my . . . ahem. . . in hopes that the feeling would pass long enough for me to complete my shopping and make it home. But I imagined myself in the taxi ride home, trapped in a car with a driver I would not be able to communicate this particular need to, holding a squirming, not very understanding toddler. What would be worse -- squatting in a doorless cubicle over splashes of others' droppings, or finding myself twisting in agony and perhaps soiling myself in a stranger's car?

In the end, the choice was not left to me. Nature made its demands undeniable. I nearly abandoned my cart, grabbed my child, and ran for the toilet. But. . . I had left the house without my personal stash of paper. I had to go through the check-out in order to pay for tissue.

It actually crossed my mind to shoplift the paper. I was that desperate. But I imagined headlines, "American teacher taken from Emart in handcuffs, a dirty mess."

I made it just in time, groaning while my daughter, sitting in the cart, guarded the cubicle opening. But I went home with not half of the items I needed.

It was only later that night that I remembered reading that maple syrup in orange juice is a natural laxative.

[Aymerlu 3]

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

brapppp!

[Leafgal 3]

Well Charles NO more chili for you and then leaving the confines of your home until you have completed the mission

[Amby 490]

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

Well Charles NO more chili for you and then leaving the confines of your home until you have completed the mission

sowwie, every time i take a step i find myself jet propelled miles away.

[JVKn'CVO 11]

I just can't believe this person wrote a 72 lines, 884 words essay about having a ..."movement" at a supermaket!! gifted person indeed!

Saludos,

Caro