Marriage Preparation

[JAPrincess 27]

My SO and I have been talking about the different types of Marriage Preparation Classes and Pre-Marital Counseling available.

I think this could be very beneficial to any couple, especially couples in inter-cultural marriages.

I have not found a program that I think would be best yet, however I was looking at getting some of these books in the meantime...

Has anyone here read any of these books or have advice on resources to prepare for marriage and making it last??

[mkg265 2]

My husband I lived together before we got married so that was our prep class. We also lived with a 89 year old Italian woman but that is another story....

It sounds like a good idea for couples that both speak the same language. My husband barely speaks English so no books for us. "In Love but worlds Apart" looks good. I may check it out in my local library.

[caybee 21]

We had premarital counseling for six weeks, at first to ease my parents' minds, but as it turned out, we both enjoyed it and benefited from it. Would have been nice if the counselor had had more experience with intercultural, interfaith marriages, but she still did a good job. And we gave her some experience

I'm not familiar with any of those books, though. I'll watch the thread to see what others recommend.

[JAPrincess 27]

Thanks for the responses! B)

I am going to order a couple of the books and bring them down with me next month.

I will let you all know what we think of them...

One of the "yardies" here on VJ found a marriage counselor that had migrated to the US so he had a better understanding of what they were going through. ((((Marlita))) where are you girl?? come give us some insight

[JAPrincess 27]

We had premarital counseling for six weeks, at first to ease my parents' minds, but as it turned out, we both enjoyed it and benefited from it.

caybee, in the counseling sessions did your counselor focus on your specific relationship or was it more of a general approach to problem solving in a marriage?

[kaffy 2]

We couldn't do a (real life) course as were were living in a non-English speaking country at the time of our engagement but we did do a book course which was gifted to us by my in laws. It's called 'Save Your Marriage Before it Happens' and it comes with a (text)book and 2 workbooks (one for him & one for her)

Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Your-Marriage...B557SEZEH4CH7B3

It's a great book and one of the best gifts we've received. We were already living together at the time but through the course of reading the book together and discussing the workbook exercises we were still able to learn a lot and I highly recommend it. Even if you're already living together, I'm sure that there's some things that haven't been brought up & discussed yet

Edited March 5, 2009 by kaffy

[JAPrincess 27]

Thanks for the info and link kaffy

[alienlovechild 75]

It never crossed my or my wife's mind to take a marriage course or read a book on the subject. It probably doesn't hurt but I tend to believe choosing the right mate first and go from there.

[Mo_Mati 2]

We did a bit of everything. Read the two H. Norman Write books you have listed, read "Saving your Marriage Before it Happens" (there is a version in Spanish, so that was good for sharing while we were in separate contries) and did marital preparation with our priest (bilingual/bicultural) when we were finally both together. I also read some other stuff on intercultural relationships and marriag, but found a lot of it "fluffy".

In terms of books, the absolute best that I read was "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". I work with a lot of marriage therapists who also recommend it to other couples. It is backed by scientific study, is very concrete and practical, and includes exercises for the couple to use and process with. Double thumbs up for any marriage.

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Mak...k/dp/0609805797

I also recommend finding an expereinced counselor/priest to talk with. There is nothing better than having a third party person to process with in the real world.

Good luck in your journey!

[TBoneTX 45,288]

The only marriage counseling that you need to know is here:

THE RULES (FROM MEN TO WOMEN)

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat -- if it's up, put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. EVER.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, expect an answer that you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.

8. For the last time, NEVER flush the toilet when we're in the shower!

9. When we are on the off-ramp and the car is slowing to merge onto the feeder road, saying "this is our exit" is not necessary.

10. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything that you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad probably is, too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with your dress?

20. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

27. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.

28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

29. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap-opera guys.

30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty YOU are?

32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

38. Telling us that the models in the girlie-magazines are air-brushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from scoping the magazines.

39. The relationship is never going to be like it was during the first two months when we were going out.

[DairyFarmer 1]

I've read the last of the books on your list, we have found it helpful, we have crossed some of the issues in the time since reading them and it has been useful having coping mechanisms.

[caybee 21]

We had premarital counseling for six weeks, at first to ease my parents' minds, but as it turned out, we both enjoyed it and benefited from it.

caybee, in the counseling sessions did your counselor focus on your specific relationship or was it more of a general approach to problem solving in a marriage?

She did bring up specific questions, although they could have been asked of any couple. She asked each of us about our parents' backgrounds and relationships, how they handled things in their own marriages, the dynamics of our families of origin. Since we are of different religions, she asked how we would handle different scenarios where religion might come into play. The questions were designed to help us see through the other's eyes and learn more about what has helped make us the people we are. She asked what we knew about each other's culture, what we found difficult or surprising, what we liked. We discussed our individual arguing styles, so to speak, or how we each tend to handle a disagreement and ways we can resolve conflict more easily when it does come up. We also talked about "light" things, too, like what we enjoyed doing in our spare time, what we have in common, what we love about each other. Handling money, of course. Some of it took some thought, and some was just fun. We each learned things we didn't know about each other before, even after hundreds of hours of sometimes heavy discussions online, and I think it helped us, especially during the initial adjustment of actually living together. Everyone is different, but I think it was good for us.

[Jasman0717 9]

Many religious organizations offer assistance an counseling

[JAPrincess 27]

We did a bit of everything. Read the two H. Norman Write books you have listed, read "Saving your Marriage Before it Happens" (there is a version in Spanish, so that was good for sharing while we were in separate contries) and did marital preparation with our priest (bilingual/bicultural) when we were finally both together. I also read some other stuff on intercultural relationships and marriag, but found a lot of it "fluffy".

In terms of books, the absolute best that I read was "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". I work with a lot of marriage therapists who also recommend it to other couples. It is backed by scientific study, is very concrete and practical, and includes exercises for the couple to use and process with. Double thumbs up for any marriage.

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Mak...k/dp/0609805797

I also recommend finding an expereinced counselor/priest to talk with. There is nothing better than having a third party person to process with in the real world.

Good luck in your journey!

That looks like a very good book, thanks for sharing B)

I love how amazon lets you look at the first few pages

I added it to my cart along with like 6 others I will narrow it down before I order.

[JAPrincess 27]

:blink:

If my SO agreed with half of these there would be no reason for marriage prep

The only marriage counseling that you need to know is here:

THE RULES (FROM MEN TO WOMEN)

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat -- if it's up, put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. EVER.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, expect an answer that you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.

8. For the last time, NEVER flush the toilet when we're in the shower!

9. When we are on the off-ramp and the car is slowing to merge onto the feeder road, saying "this is our exit" is not necessary.

10. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything that you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad probably is, too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with your dress?

20. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

27. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.

28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

29. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap-opera guys.

30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

31. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty YOU are?

32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

38. Telling us that the models in the girlie-magazines are air-brushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from scoping the magazines.

39. The relationship is never going to be like it was during the first two months when we were going out.