What was your life like when you first moved to the US?

[Stefanie 1]

I can't complain at all with how everything has been working out for us.

When I first moved here, we lived with my in-laws because Collin was waiting to join the Army and there was not point for us in moving somewhere just to find out that we would get stationed somewhere else after his boot camp and training. I was able to get a job right away because I got the temp EAD at JFK. After only three weeks after arriving in the USA, I started my job (it was only in a grocery store but it was something). Also, I had my license already because I was a foreign exchange student before and was able to get a US license during my exchange year. My one-year EAD came shortly after the temp EAD expired and I was lucky to continue working. Then Collin left for boot camp and things really started to move up from then. I started college, he loved his training and financially, everything was great. We bought our first new "used" car, moved into our own appartment (first time for both of us), and eventually, last summer, got stationed in Germany (where I am from).

Honestly, it was harder for me to adapt to the German life style again than it was for me to adapt to the American life style. I just love life in the USA and that's why I can't wait to go back after out three-year tour in Germany is over. Even though Collin has a deployment ahead of him, I have to say that the Army helped us a lot in establishing a good life for the two of us. Plus, Collin loves his job (medic) in the Army. He recently started college as well and I am really proud of what we have accomplished in just two years of being married!

Stef

[wong_watkins 1]

Stef,

Nice to hear that you're doing great and good luck with the rest of your journey!

[onesassygirl 0]

I miss bread and bacon and curry and sausages. Hmmm, they're all bad for you, if I'm missing out on these things then why am I putting on weight???

I've been putting weight on too (like there's no tomorrow)! Everyone says that you do gain a few pounds after marriage. Eek!

I've been here for about 3 months now, and I am just starting to embrace being a 'housewife'. Being unemployed was hard on me in the beginning, not because of financial reasons (we are fortunate that my husband makes decent money and that we can live comfortably on his income), but because I am the type of person who needs to feel like they have a 'purpose' (like go to work and make a living every day). I've accepted now that my purpose in life, for now, is to make a 'home' for my husband and myself.

I've moved around several times in my life (I've lived in 4 countries (now including the States) and 3 continents) so I have no problem adapting to new environments, and I am a rather independent individual. We live in an apartment complex on a hill that is a little isolated from everything. I don't have my driver's license yet (I've tried to get it but can't until I have my EAD). The bus only runs every hour, and the only things around us are basically a 7-Eleven, the county jail, and a juvenile detention centre at the bottom of the hill - not exactly what you would call places to go strolling around (it doesn't sound safe, but it actually feels safe around here). So, I've been mostly stuck at home while my husband goes to work--that's if he's in town. He travels quite a bit for work and I am fortunate that I can go with him most of the time when he's out in a different part of the country for weeks at a time. I've been to the east coast twice now since I've moved here, and we have a 3-week trip to the south next month.

Because I have been travelling with him, I haven't really made any friends out here. I have made 'friends' with some of his co-workers, but it's not the same as having a friend/support-system here, so it's a little lonely. We have no family here where we live (my relatives live 4 hours away and I've only gone to visit them once), so I feel like I am really alone out here with my husband as my only friend. As soon as I get my EAD, I plan on getting my driver's license, and volunteering at different organizations to meet people. I am tempted not to get a job as soon as I get my EAD because my husband has a business trip scheduled in the summer to go to Las Vegas for a few weeks. If I got a job, I would not be able to go with him, and I would not want to miss the opportunity of 'livin it up in Vegas'! But we'll see how it goes. If our situation in a few months calls on me to get a job, then I'll have to get one, won't I?

So, for the most part, I've been pretty content with how my life has been. I feel for those of you who are going through a really rough time. Speaking from past experience, having immigrated to 3 countries since childhood (2 with my family, 1 on my own), the adjustment period will take a while and there will definitely be challenges along your way, but soon enough, you'll get into the swing of things, you'll find ways to cope with your situation (hopefully positive), and you'll eventually find a 'happy place' in your life. Just stay strong!

Edited January 26, 2007 by ajmc

[Peikko 1,575]

Yay, second honeymoon in Las Vegas, sounds good

The lack of being able to go anywhere if you live somewhere without public transport does seem to be one of the most limiting factors of the AOS part of the process. I think it would be very hard on those who have to wait more than 6 months for their DL in those conditions. Without means to travel you are more dependant on your SO which can also prove 'testing'

Good luck to everyone going through a bad patch. As many have said, for most, it will be a bad patch and not an indication that it will not turn out great in the longer run

[onesassygirl 0]

Yay, second honeymoon in Las Vegas, sounds good

The lack of being able to go anywhere if you live somewhere without public transport does seem to be one of the most limiting factors of the AOS part of the process. I think it would be very hard on those who have to wait more than 6 months for their DL in those conditions. Without means to travel you are more dependant on your SO which can also prove 'testing'

Good luck to everyone going through a bad patch. As many have said, for most, it will be a bad patch and not an indication that it will not turn out great in the longer run

I completely agree. Plus, if you can't go anywhere, you can't meet people. If you can't meet people, it's harder to assimilate yourself into your new environment... you'll keep feeling like a stranger until you have people who can make you feel like you belong, and this definitely makes it more challenging to adjust.

I am happy for those that have a support system readily available to them. For those of us who have none, we have the wonderful people at VJ to be thankful for, and of course, our family and friends from where we came from... though they may be far, they are still a source of support. Let's all just hang in there... that dang driver's license will come!

Edited January 26, 2007 by ajmc

[AllenK 0]

Thanks to all who have posted here. Nataia interviews on February 14, and will soon be here. I really really really want this to work, so the insight you give on your difficulties and challenges will better prepare me to help her have an excellent life here.

I have lived overseas myself (Germany) with no local language skills as a 1 year exchange student (long ago), so I can empathize with the posters here. Looking back, I can see I should have left my comfort zone more to meet and interact with friends. I sat back and waited for new friends to "happen". I should have worked harder at getting myself in the mix and interacting with people, instead of always sitting on the periphery just watching. I should have initiated more interaction instead of simply just going with what came along. I have already found a Russian Orthodox Catholic church for us to attend, even though I have never been much of a church-going person. Attending will probably be good for me . Natalia was a hair stylist 5 years ago, and says she loved the work. Her spoken English is very good, even though her written is pretty poor. I know it will be important for her to have a real life unto herself ASAP - complete with her own work, money, and friends. I hope working as a hair stylist can lead to all of these things, even if she decides to progress to bigger and better things later. She is university-educated, aspirational, and speaks fluent Russian and Japanese. I know she will want to develop her life to much bigger things, and I am the same way.

Having come out of a failed marriage, I do not know for sure what makes a good marriage work. I absolutely know things that will break a marriage. Regardless of adjustment issues to a new culture, don't forget about the work that goes into a good marriage. Things I plan to give and to receive:

1. Daily tender affection. Not "morinin'-kiss-hug-pat-pat" affection. Passion. Deep loving looks into each others eyes.

2. An excellent book I read, "Too good to leave; too bad to stay", made a blindingly obvious point that had eventually escaped me in my previous broken marriage. Love is a perishable thing. It's not just a state of mind that lives on its own. You use it, and it can deplete if you don't feed it. Don't take it for granted - it CAN fade away and disappear. How do you feed it? Love is created from, and grows from, loving experiences. Don't get caught up in focusing too much on surviving life that you forget to set aside special time for each other with special things to do with each other. If you don't do this, excellent love can die. I know.

3. The dissolution of a relationship starts with a growing dissatisfaction and unhappiness on one side (at least). The dissatisfaction is often kept a secret from the other, but is expressed through "hints" instead of outright overt communication. Hints can be perceived by the other as simply a "phase". I hinted for a year before I gave up hinting. That was wrong. I should have been extra candid and clear that I needed a return of more love and affection. I had tried for a year to pre-pay love and affection by giving it myself and looking for it in return. It didn't happen. My wife was caught up in devotion to the kids and taking care of them. The more I pre-paid without getting back, the unhappier and more distant I felt. Lessons learned for my second chance with a woman that loves me deeply and shows it:

_____3.1. I'm going to try not to ever leave the "courtship" phase of the relationship. I want to remember to make real overt efforts to win her heart every day, just as I did when I first met her. I will remember to interrupt my striving for financial success to create those loving experiences. I hope she does the same.

_____3.2. I'm going to be clear and overt about my needs and irritations. No more festering secrets. I hate conflict, arguments, or even using loud voices, but I need to get past this aversion. The lack of fights and arguments does not necessarily indicate a healthy relationship. It can also indicate a relationship that has ceased to exist. I know this.

_____3.3. I'm going to pro-actively ask and seek to find out whatever might be causing Natalia to be unhappy. I want to know early so we can work on it. If you don't do this, unhappiness can fester and fix itself by destroying the relationship. Waiting for unhappiness to pass is a dangerous thing. I know this.

I don't have a loving relationship with my former wife, and have come to accept that the ingredients simply weren't there for a life beyond simple camaraderie, friendship, and two beautiful children. After year and half of despair, I met Natalia. She loves me and adores me, and I burst with happiness at the chance to love and adore her. The love and adoration is not manufactured - quite the opposite. I tried to resist my feelings for her and her feelings for me because I wanted to be a "good man" and a good husband. The feelings between me and Natalia have always just been too strong to quash. Despite a previous life judged very successful by most Americans (career success, expensive home in Florida, beautiful children, no financial worries, etc.), I could not avoid acting on my strong feelings. Camaraderie and success are nice, but I can't live the rest of my life without giving and receiving a lot of love and affection. Maybe others don't need this as much as I do, but I am glad to have found this beautiful woman that does.

BTW - I gave away everything voluntarily to my ex - probably just an attempt to satisfy the guilt of not being a "good man". I'm starting over from scratch in an empty apartment and trying to learn from the experience. I now spend 10 times as much time with my beautiful young children (1 and 3) since the divorce in July. I get joy from them I never knew before. I actually prefer my time with them over travel and work - which I used to "live" for. I'm going to really work at maintaining these fairytale feelings I have had with Natalia for over a year. If she does the same, I hope we can live in bliss forever, even if bliss means a few heated arguments.

I do not offer these personal observations as expert advice. I've proved to myself I didn't know ####### about making a good life before, and I can only hope I have learned a few good things to have a good life in the future. If anyone reads the above comments and can give further recommendations, I welcome the advice. I want to learn to do better.

Edited January 27, 2007 by AllenK

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

Thanks to all who have posted here. Nataia interviews on February 14, and will soon be here. I really really really want this to work, so the insight you give on your difficulties and challenges will better prepare me to help her have an excellent life here.

I have lived overseas myself (Germany) with no local language skills as a 1 year exchange student (long ago), so I can empathize with the posters here. Looking back, I can see I should have left my comfort zone more to meet and interact with friends. I sat back and waited for new friends to "happen". I should have worked harder at getting myself in the mix and interacting with people, instead of always sitting on the periphery just watching. I should have initiated more interaction instead of simply just going with what came along. I have already found a Russian Orthodox Catholic church for us to attend, even though I have never been much of a church-going person. Attending will probably be good for me . Natalia was a hair stylist 5 years ago, and says she loved the work. Her spoken English is very good, even though her written is pretty poor. I know it will be important for her to have a real life unto herself ASAP - complete with her own work, money, and friends. I hope working as a hair stylist can lead to all of these things, even if she decides to progress to bigger and better things later. She is university-educated, aspirational, and speaks fluent Russian and Japanese. I know she will want to develop her life to much bigger things, and I am the same way.

Having come out of a failed marriage, I do not know for sure what makes a good marriage work. I absolutely know things that will break a marriage. Regardless of adjustment issues to a new culture, don't forget about the work that goes into a good marriage. Things I plan to give and to receive:

1. Daily tender affection. Not "morinin'-kiss-hug-pat-pat" affection. Passion. Deep loving looks into each others eyes.

2. An excellent book I read, "Too good to leave; too bad to stay", made a blindingly obvious point that had eventually escaped me in my previous broken marriage. Love is a perishable thing. It's not just a state of mind that lives on its own. You use it, and it can deplete if you don't feed it. Don't take it for granted - it CAN fade away and disappear. How do you feed it? Love is created from, and grows from, loving experiences. Don't get caught up in focusing too much on surviving life that you forget to set aside special time for each other with special things to do with each other. If you don't do this, excellent love can die. I know.

3. The dissolution of a relationship starts with a growing dissatisfaction and unhappiness on one side (at least). The dissatisfaction is often kept a secret from the other, but is expressed through "hints" instead of outright overt communication. Hints can be perceived by the other as simply a "phase". I hinted for a year before I gave up hinting. That was wrong. I should have been extra candid and clear that I needed a return of more love and affection. I had tried for a year to pre-pay love and affection by giving it myself and looking for it in return. It didn't happen. My wife was caught up in devotion to the kids and taking care of them. The more I pre-paid without getting back, the unhappier and more distant I felt. Lessons learned for my second chance with a woman that loves me deeply and shows it:

_____3.1. I'm going to try not to ever leave the "courtship" phase of the relationship. I want to remember to make real overt efforts to win her heart every day, just as I did when I first met her. I will remember to interrupt my striving for financial success to create those loving experiences. I hope she does the same.

_____3.2. I'm going to be clear and overt about my needs and irritations. No more festering secrets. I hate conflict, arguments, or even using loud voices, but I need to get past this aversion. The lack of fights and arguments does not necessarily indicate a healthy relationship. It can also indicate a relationship that has ceased to exist. I know this.

_____3.3. I'm going to pro-actively ask and seek to find out whatever might be causing Natalia to be unhappy. I want to know early so we can work on it. If you don't do this, unhappiness can fester and fix itself by destroying the relationship. Waiting for unhappiness to pass is a dangerous thing. I know this.

I don't have a loving relationship with my former wife, and have come to accept that the ingredients simply weren't there for a life beyond simple camaraderie, friendship, and two beautiful children. After year and half of despair, I met Natalia. She loves me and adores me, and I burst with happiness at the chance to love and adore her. The love and adoration is not manufactured - quite the opposite. I tried to resist my feelings for her and her feelings for me because I wanted to be a "good man" and a good husband. The feelings between me and Natalia have always just been too strong to quash. Despite a previous life judged very successful by most Americans (career success, expensive home in Florida, beautiful children, no financial worries, etc.), I could not avoid acting on my strong feelings. Camaraderie and success are nice, but I can't live the rest of my life without giving and receiving a lot of love and affection. Maybe others don't need this as much as I do, but I am glad to have found this beautiful woman that does.

BTW - I gave away everything voluntarily to my ex - probably just an attempt to satisfy the guilt of not being a "good man". I'm starting over from scratch in an empty apartment and trying to learn from the experience. I now spend 10 times as much time with my beautiful young children (1 and 3) since the divorce in July. I get joy from them I never knew before. I actually prefer my time with them over travel and work - which I used to "live" for. I'm going to really work at maintaining these fairytale feelings I have had with Natalia for over a year. If she does the same, I hope we can live in bliss forever, even if bliss means a few heated arguments.

I do not offer these personal observations as expert advice. I've proved to myself I didn't know ####### about making a good life before, and I can only hope I have learned a few good things to have a good life in the future. If anyone reads the above comments and can give further recommendations, I welcome the advice. I want to learn to do better.

I can relate...and totally agree on "Everything" you said... and your totally right that love is perishable.. as I lived a very similar fate as you did with your Ex...and for about the same reasons you listed..

We both got caught up on who was giving more love/affection.. and be both begin to feel abused..

I also gave everything up..and for the same reasons....

And how I feel about Veronica and our relationship..you took the words right out of my mouth....

I hope others... really read this.. and beleive... because we lost our love after 32 years.. So nothing is written in stone, only if you work on it..daily!!

[AllenK 0]

I can relate...and totally agree on "Everything" you said... and your totally right that love is perishable.. as I lived a very similar fate as you did with your Ex...and for about the same reasons you listed..

We both got caught up on who was giving more love/affection.. and be both begin to feel abused..

I also gave everything up..and for the same reasons....

And how I feel about Veronica and our relationship..you took the words right out of my mouth....

I hope others... really read this.. and beleive... because we lost our love after 32 years.. So nothing is written in stone, only if you work on it..daily!!

Thanks. It feels mighty good to have company right now. Sometimes I wake up amazed at how completely unglued my life has become. I had to make the decision to tear down the building, buy a new lot, and start again. The other building was built on a sink hole. Just couldn't see it from the outside. Remember the group, "The Talking Heads"from the 80's? "This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. How did I get here? My God, what have I done?" Have to keep reminding myself how I feel when I am with Natalia.

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

I can relate...and totally agree on "Everything" you said... and your totally right that love is perishable.. as I lived a very similar fate as you did with your Ex...and for about the same reasons you listed..

We both got caught up on who was giving more love/affection.. and be both begin to feel abused..

I also gave everything up..and for the same reasons....

And how I feel about Veronica and our relationship..you took the words right out of my mouth....

I hope others... really read this.. and beleive... because we lost our love after 32 years.. So nothing is written in stone, only if you work on it..daily!!

Thanks. It feels mighty good to have company right now. Sometimes I wake up amazed at how completely unglued my life has become. I had to make the decision to tear down the building, buy a new lot, and start again. The other building was built on a sink hole. Just couldn't see it from the outside. Remember the group, "The Talking Heads"from the 80's? "This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. How did I get here? My God, what have I done?" Have to keep reminding myself how I feel when I am with Natalia.

I do the same.... Daily I have to remind myself of all the affection and love Veronica has...how she also touches my face as we kiss (it's this a europe thing ? as I saw the samething in your wedding pic's)

I haven't been with Veronica Since Aug.. and I thank God Daily for those little 30-50 sec movies I took with my Digital Camera....It reminds me of what I'm waiting for..

I'm thinking our interviews with be very close together... I'm hoping to have Veronica here the 23rd of Feb.. I'm giving her a week after the Visa is issued to have some parties see family and pack...

Edited January 28, 2007 by Chris-n-Veronica

[Thingee 0]

No, face touching during kissing isn't a Europe thing. It's a love thing.

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

No, face touching during kissing isn't a Europe thing. It's a love thing.

Thankyou...thats even better

[AllenK 0]

I do the same.... Daily I have to remind myself of all the affection and love Veronica has...how she also touches my face as we kiss (it's this a europe thing ? as I saw the samething in your wedding pic's)

I haven't been with Veronica Since Aug.. and I thank God Daily for those little 30-50 sec movies I took with my Digital Camera....It reminds me of what I'm waiting for..

I'm thinking our interviews with be very close together... I'm hoping to have Veronica here the 23rd of Feb.. I'm giving her a week after the Visa is issued to have some parties see family and pack...

Good luck to you and Veronica with your interview. Finding a hotel nearby is a B#$%^#$. The Ukraina is booked up. Be carful about buying tickets for the 23rd due to potential Visa delivery delays - it IS Russia you know . Natalia plans to come over sometime between the 24th and the 28th. However, I have to see how my business trips work out. However it works out, I am just glad to be nearing the big day. I am ready to move forward with this new life and make a go of it.

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

I do the same.... Daily I have to remind myself of all the affection and love Veronica has...how she also touches my face as we kiss (it's this a europe thing ? as I saw the samething in your wedding pic's)

I haven't been with Veronica Since Aug.. and I thank God Daily for those little 30-50 sec movies I took with my Digital Camera....It reminds me of what I'm waiting for..

I'm thinking our interviews with be very close together... I'm hoping to have Veronica here the 23rd of Feb.. I'm giving her a week after the Visa is issued to have some parties see family and pack...

Good luck to you and Veronica with your interview. Finding a hotel nearby is a B#$%^#$. The Ukraina is booked up. Be carful about buying tickets for the 23rd due to potential Visa delivery delays - it IS Russia you know . Natalia plans to come over sometime between the 24th and the 28th. However, I have to see how my business trips work out. However it works out, I am just glad to be nearing the big day. I am ready to move forward with this new life and make a go of it.

I will be buying the tickets as soon as I know that interview date... it's either that or two weeks after the interview..as the tickets go up about $400 if you book them under 14 days..

Also Veronica is in Moldova... her interview will be in Romania...and they give the Visa same day unless it's late in the afternoon..then the next morning..

Take Care...and I'm also ready for this new life....

Edited January 29, 2007 by Chris-n-Veronica

[Mark UK 3]

I love it here. I was telling my wife when we were out shopping last week that it doesn’t feel like being abroad most of the time – just when I think about my family that I had to leave behind. That does make me homesick, but that’s natural. I miss my family. My Gran died the day before our wedding and my parents didn’t tell me until a couple of days afterwards because they didn’t want me trying to get home for the funeral as they knew that would cause far too many problems with my immigration status (I didn’t have time to get Advance Parole and we were on our honeymoon).

It was quite difficult to begin with: my wife worked two jobs to support the house and, though I brought my savings over, we were worried about money for a while. She took her car to work and I didn’t have a job so I bought a bicycle and cycled down to her first job every day to spend lunch with her and then went with her by car to her second job at night. We tried to spend as much time as we could with each other though I found myself quite bored sometimes sitting at a counter watching her work for eight hours.

Adjusting was hard at first because we live in a small-town sort of location and everyone knows each other and I was this complete outsider: and that’s ignoring my accent which everyone picked up upon. People have been good, though, they seem to like the English accent and they’ve been very kind.

I spent the first two weeks organizing the marriage, then the next two weeks organizing my I-485/I-765 paperwork. After that, I went looking for a job, went for an interview and got a decent job straightaway. I guess I got lucky because that meant we had a more affluent Christmas than I worried we might have were it not for my employment. I had to stop working when my temporary EAD ran out and I’m stuck waiting for either my Green Card or my EAD (90 days will have passed in mid-February) before I can resume my employment. It’s so frustrating – I check for updates every single day! I have my job on hold until I get either my GC or EAD and I feel like tearing my hair out. Finances aren't yet a problem but if the USCIS delays my application for GC or EAD, then we might go back to struggling again

Once I got a job, we were able to buy me a car and we got cellphones as well. I have a great deal more freedom now that I have my own wheels and that I’m starting to get used to the area. Plus, I have my own set of acquaintances from work which don’t just see me as my wife’s husband like they do back where we live.

At the moment, we are looking to buy a house but my credit score from the UK counts for nothing here so we’re worried about getting a pre-approval (pending at the moment). My UK driving record/license also counts for nothing – so I have to take a US test, which I failed first time due to some hilarious foul-up of parallel parking in my first test. However, I got an IDP so I’ve been able to drive about which makes a big difference.

I think once you have a job, America is great. You don’t spend all day worrying about when the savings are going to run out and it forces you to get out on your ‘own’ without your spouse. If you’re stuck at home during the day and not getting out because your spouse is tired from working hard, then that would put a strain on any relationship. It can get tough, but it can be awesome.

I don’t regret it for a second – I love America and the people and the culture. It suits me more than the UK did, probably. I read the BBC website every day and every day it seems the UK is falling further behind the US in almost everything (except soccer, I miss that very much!)

Oh, and I love turtle ice cream!

[KoshkaMoshka 0]

Well Iam Lucy to have a supportive husband:)and really iam frustrating with my papers only..I still pending for greencard,and nobody knows when it will be done...I am learning to drive a car,i just got my SSN in summer 2006(in spite that i live here 2,5 years)so...I do not work at this moment but very want!!!Hope in the near future I will work,drive a carbe able to visit my family,so to have a full life:)

But now iam at home