Dear Joyce

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce,

Is this your cat???

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear joyce,

I met this character at my latest AVON showing (they have some really groovy pink and green lipsticks coming out); and he claims to have not only played backup for you; but to have inspired some of your well-known feline moves. Is that so???

Thanks, Mrs. Avon Callin'

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

Is this your cat???

Goodness! That is one cool cat! (tee hee!)

Unfortunately, I'm allergic to cats, and indeed most furry creatures (but not you, Terry "The Gorilla" Wilkinhiffenstiner, winner of the 2001 Cool Whip sculpture contest! *rowr!!!!!*). But if I did have a cat, I'd ask him or her to get larger lenses! But I do like the general look, I have to say! (And the fabric backdrop is tres groovy!)

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear joyce,

I met this character at my latest AVON showing (they have some really groovy pink and green lipsticks coming out); and he claims to have not only played backup for you; but to have inspired some of your well-known feline moves. Is that so???

Thanks, Mrs. Avon Callin'

Goodness! Another Cool Cat! I think this little creature just may be pulling your leg. For the past 35 years, my keyboard player has been either Charlie "Keep Away from My Rooster" D'Angelo, or his sprightly mother (and my hero), Miriam "I May Only Be Half Jewish But Can Make Knishes Like A Superstar" Gateman.

Pink and green lipsticks! Goodness, you better get outta my way!!!!

Love,

Joyce

p.s. I've been unable to do my signature feline moves since I hurt my back making fondue (don't ask!!!!!), but I have an appointment with a chiropractor next week. Let's hope I'll be back in action by this coming January, when I'll be kicking off JoyceWorld 2010 in Siberia!! (Hope to see you there!!!!!)

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce,

As always your devoted fan, in search for more knowledge of those who have fell under your influence... or whom you might have Biblically known while under the influence. Anyway, in this quest, I came across Jules Winnfield, of Pulp Fiction fame.

From a very reliable source (who shall remain unnamed, but let's just say she likes Avon + getting caught in the rain) I hear that Samuel L. Jackson insisted on the helmet hair for his performance and was quite adamant about it.

It was also said that he refused to take the helmet off for days on end, claiming it was "a memory of nights of bubbly and hot fondue" with a certain "J" that "brough JOY and CoolWhip into my life". Do you have any comments????

Sincerely, Mrs. Honey Bunny.

[almaty 19]

sister joyce..

my hermana len was too shy.to give this to you.....she bought this for you in canada...

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

As always your devoted fan, in search for more knowledge of those who have fell under your influence... or whom you might have Biblically known while under the influence. Anyway, in this quest, I came across Jules Winnfield, of Pulp Fiction fame.

From a very reliable source (who shall remain unnamed, but let's just say she likes Avon + getting caught in the rain) I hear that Samuel L. Jackson insisted on the helmet hair for his performance and was quite adamant about it.

It was also said that he refused to take the helmet off for days on end, claiming it was "a memory of nights of bubbly and hot fondue" with a certain "J" that "brough JOY and CoolWhip into my life". Do you have any comments????

Sincerely, Mrs. Honey Bunny.

Dear Mrs. Honey Buinny:

Goodness! (Perhaps I should say it again--Goodness!) Well, I know exactly who your source is, and all I can say is, I wish Avon would bring back the Hawaiian White Ginger fragrance!

As you know, I'm modest in my own strange way (well, I try at least!!!!), so I didn't want to mention that I was Helmet Consultant No. 1 for Pulp Fiction. Mr. Jackson, who insisted that I call him Jelly-Buns, felt that he needed some input from the expert. Initially I suggested something much bigger, but he really wanted to use some serious helmet paste--which I understood 100%! There is an art to the helmet paste--if you want altitude, you can't use too much. But if you want to use too much (but really, can you ever have too much helmet paste? a philosophical question indeed!), the helmet radius decreases according to a formula that I'm still working out. Anyway, I found Jelly-Buns to be very charming. Regarding the rumors about bubbly (or was it a G&T?), Cool Whip, and fondue...well, I'm not sure I can divulge that! Joyce = Discreet!!!!

A bit of trivia: Quentin Tarantino really likes celery! I mean, really likes celery!

Love,

Joyce

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce,

Are you a feminist? Do you know how feminists are supposed to look like?

thx.

[almaty 19]

dear joyce,

i have a friend..or cousin..well, a cousin friend..who hates nOobs..what can be done?

[Chica Yeyé 41]

dear joyce,

i have a friend..or cousin..well, a cousin friend..who hates nOobs..what can be done?

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

Are you a feminist? Do you know how feminists are supposed to look like?

thx.

A feminist, yes indeed! A cornerstone of modern feminism is the freedom to choose which fondue forks are best suited for a block party. I know this may be hard to believe, but back when my mother was a girl, the family patriarch, Jeffrey (he died before I was born, thank goodness), made all the executive decisions about kitchenware and party presentation, and he had terrible taste!!!!! I thank my lucky stars that most of the pictures taken of fondue forks back then were black and white!!!! Also, he had a thing for igloos!

My version of feminism has more to do with the freedom to be as groovy as one wants.

What does feminism look like? Why, a stunning gal in a striped dress with a gorgeous synthetic helmet and stylish glasses! (tee hee!)

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

dear joyce,

i have a friend..or cousin..well, a cousin friend..who hates nOobs..what can be done?

N00bs, goodness! Well, we're not all born knowing how to macrame. I say, offer instruction! It's easy to hate n00bs when you dehumanize them. For example, when someone says, "Imagine a n00b," I bet your cousin friend turns red and smoke comes out of his ears! But someone says, "Do you think the n00b would prefer cheese fondue or chocolate fondue?" just watch him change his tune!

Now, I'm off for both cheese fondue and chocolate fondue (just a taste!!!). And you can bet the fork is a real winner!

Love,

Joyce

[Susita 175]

Dear Joyce,

I just came across your thread and I have 2 questions.

# 1 - How can I style my hair so that it becomes a helmet like yours? I mean really stiff. It's fabulous.

# 2 - My husband is a noob. How can I fix this as painlessly as possible?

- Suzy

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I just came across your thread and I have 2 questions.

# 1 - How can I style my hair so that it becomes a helmet like yours? I mean really stiff. It's fabulous.

# 2 - My husband is a noob. How can I fix this as painlessly as possible?

- Suzy

Dear Suzy:

Goodness! You know, I had a feeling someone had written in to inquire about my helmet! Earlier today, as I was on hold w/ my Tupperware regional representative to be among the first to test Generation 3 of popsicle molds (5 minutes!!!! c'mon, Gertrude!), my helmet started buzzing! Truly! You know, maybe I don't even need a phone anymore!

To answer your questions:

(1) As you may have guessed, I don't want to give away the secret to my gorgeous helmet, but I can tell you that a good start is to ask your hairstylist to give you a triple perm. I know that he or she will probably try to send you away with pomade from New York City, or other such overpriced nonsense--believe me, you don't need it! Head to the office supply store and ask for mucilage! That will form the foundation of your helmet paste. There are many, many other ingredients, so see what works for you! And upload some pics when you can! You can do it!

(2) By noob, I assume you mean he's having--manly issues? I asked Dave "Baby" Cortez about this, because I'm lacking the diagnostic "equipment" (*wink!!*). He suggests a visit to the exotic club (I think he means a nice bar with wood paneling, parrots, palm trees, and tropical drinks! but make mine gin, please!). So, give it a try! If he's still in pain after that, how about aspirin and Quaaludes?

Love,

Joyce

[Susita 175]

Head to the office supply store and ask for mucilage! That will form the foundation of your helmet paste. There are many, many other ingredients, so see what works for you! And upload some pics when you can! You can do it!

Thanks Joyce! The office supply is all out of mucilage, can you believe it? Will rubber cement or spray adhesive do? I'm so excited.