Dear Joyce

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce,

I am curious why isn't your latest collection of polyester shoulder pads and leg warmers in groovy designs being featured in NYC's Fashion Week, being as is that you are our inspiration and, from what insiders tell me; quite the best pals (and image advisor, of course!) with the First Lady?

Are the rumors about Karl Lagerfeld still having some hang ups since you outed him as having stolen the fan-as-accesoire idea back in the day and hence blacklisted you true perhaps?

If you need retro-divas to protest, just let me know.

Your fan, Mrs. Idontgiveafvck

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I am curious why isn't your latest collection of polyester shoulder pads and leg warmers in groovy designs being featured in NYC's Fashion Week, being as is that you are our inspiration and, from what insiders tell me; quite the best pals (and image advisor, of course!) with the First Lady?

Are the rumors about Karl Lagerfeld still having some hang ups since you outed him as having stolen the fan-as-accesoire idea back in the day and hence blacklisted you true perhaps?

If you need retro-divas to protest, just let me know.

Your fan, Mrs. Idontgiveafvck

Dear Mrs. Idontgiveafvck:

Goodness! I feel I need to come to Karl's defense. (Actually, I call him Gloop Gloop--don't ask!!!!!) I was invited to Fashion Week, but I couldn't make it because of my friend Lippy's mother's neighbor's Tupperware party! (Like I was going to mass that event for a fashion show!) And I'm glad I didn't miss it, because I got the grooviest salad bowl and corn on the cob holders!

Regarding the first lady, I assume you mean Betty Ford? Lovely woman. Below is my absolute favorite shot of her. If you'll notice, her hairdo is almost helmet-like! And few things are as flattering as an orange turtleneck design--well, unless you add a duo of square pins. Thumbs up, Betty!!!!!

Speaking of Betty, it's time for a G&T!

Love

Joyce

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce,

As you know, a discussion arose on VJ earlier today; as to what hotness really is all about. You, being the style mage and diva extraordinaire should tell us all once and for all: who is hotter? a skimpy bony woman with taught muscles, or a curvaceous one? Of course, we asume they would both dress in 100% acrylic or polyester!!!

Please help out VJers in need of guidance.

Sincerely, Mrs. Sabrosa.

[Ban Hammer 13,133]

Dear Joyce,

As you know, a discussion arose on VJ earlier today; as to what hotness really is all about. You, being the style mage and diva extraordinaire should tell us all once and for all: who is hotter? a skimpy bony woman with taught muscles, or a curvaceous one? Of course, we asume they would both dress in 100% acrylic or polyester!!!

Please help out VJers in need of guidance.

Sincerely, Mrs. Sabrosa.

does that mean her muscles have a phd?

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce,

As you know, a discussion arose on VJ earlier today; as to what hotness really is all about. You, being the style mage and diva extraordinaire should tell us all once and for all: who is hotter? a skimpy bony woman with taught muscles, or a curvaceous one? Of course, we asume they would both dress in 100% acrylic or polyester!!!

Please help out VJers in need of guidance.

Sincerely, Mrs. Sabrosa.

does that mean her muscles have a phd?

I'm ESL dude, cut me some slack

[almaty 19]

Dear Joyce,

As you know, a discussion arose on VJ earlier today; as to what hotness really is all about. You, being the style mage and diva extraordinaire should tell us all once and for all: who is hotter? a skimpy bony woman with taught muscles, or a curvaceous one? Of course, we asume they would both dress in 100% acrylic or polyester!!!

Please help out VJers in need of guidance.

Sincerely, Mrs. Sabrosa.

does that mean her muscles have a phd?

I'm ESL dude, cut me some slack

watch it

[MrsCat 6]

Dear Joyce,

I have ran into some misfortune today with my left foot. I dropped the hamper on my large toe and the nail fell off. The weather is warm here and I wear open toe shoes 99% of the time. I like to have regular pedicures and always have nail polish on.

A few questions:

1) Can I paint a fake nail on the skin where the nail should be so that it blends in with the other painted toe nails?

2) Do I have to wear closed-toe shoes until the nail grows back?

3) Are there any other ways to disguise my ugly big toe?

4) Is it a faux-pas to have a pedicure while my nail is missing?

Thank you in advance.

Sincerely,

Nailess in Pahoa.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce,

We all know you are quite knowledgeable in the almost lost art of ballroom dancing and being the IT girl. Our friend adam1 is in desperate need of your advise, for his woes will not let his soul be at peace; and his dancing shoes look at him with sadness. Would you please help him???

Thanks, *Len*.

[Peikko 1,575]

Dear Joyce

I need advice on how to exorcise the 'inner' christian that lurks deep within me. It's a sporadic problem that rarely surfaces, but when it does, well it quite ruins my day, not to mention scaring the ####### out of me! The latest manifestation is humming hymns! I kid you not. Today I caught myself humming 'All Praise Be" while making a pot of tea and I could have knocked myself down with a feather when I realised what I was doing. I fear the wearing of silks may be to blame...

Yours, atheistically

Cleo, Madame.

[almaty 19]

my gosh, Joyce!!

[Chica Yeyé 41]

my gosh, Joyce!!

I know, ####### is it with Joyce??? Has she gone all celebrity on us and now does not devote herself to her fans??? +

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

As you know, a discussion arose on VJ earlier today; as to what hotness really is all about. You, being the style mage and diva extraordinaire should tell us all once and for all: who is hotter? a skimpy bony woman with taught muscles, or a curvaceous one? Of course, we asume they would both dress in 100% acrylic or polyester!!!

Please help out VJers in need of guidance.

Sincerely, Mrs. Sabrosa.

Dear Mrs. Sabrosa,

Goodness! Thanks for writing, and please forgive me for my delayed reply. You don't even want to know what craziness has descended upon me and my groovy entourage since late March! Well, in case you do, here's a little synopsis: Dave "Baby" Cortez making a dog's breakfast of his third shag carpet in a month (don't ask!!!!!), a shortage of Cool Whip at the local A&P that bordered on a catastrophe, and a three-week retreat in rural Alberta, where I showed some farmers how to protect their skin from the elements (petroleum jelly mixed with a little secret ingredient!!!!!). They thanked me by presenting a little treat of their own, but I won't elaborate, for I am neat and discreet!

To answer your question, body type is entirely irrelevant when you're dressed to impress in synthetics. If the skimpy, bony woman looked unhealthy, though, I'd send her straight to the fondue table and instruct her to go to town!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I have ran into some misfortune today with my left foot. I dropped the hamper on my large toe and the nail fell off. The weather is warm here and I wear open toe shoes 99% of the time. I like to have regular pedicures and always have nail polish on.

A few questions:

1) Can I paint a fake nail on the skin where the nail should be so that it blends in with the other painted toe nails?

2) Do I have to wear closed-toe shoes until the nail grows back?

3) Are there any other ways to disguise my ugly big toe?

4) Is it a faux-pas to have a pedicure while my nail is missing?

Thank you in advance.

Sincerely,

Nailess in Pahoa.

Dear Nailess in Pahoa,

Goodness! Your nail has probably grown back by now! Please accept my heartfelt apology for the tardy reply, and a promise to send along a gift certificate for a box of Special K! (you can't pinch an inch--on me!)

To answer your questions:

(1) You bet!

(2) Goodness, no! I suggest platforms to get that blood flowing and speed healing!

(3) Ugly big toe!? There's no such thing! Embrace your toe, embrace yourself!

(4) The only faux-pas is following the crowd, dressing in poly-cotton blends (even worse than straight cotton, if you ask me!), and giving any amount of business to Pampered Chef.

Good luck!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

We all know you are quite knowledgeable in the almost lost art of ballroom dancing and being the IT girl. Our friend adam1 is in desperate need of your advise, for his woes will not let his soul be at peace; and his dancing shoes look at him with sadness. Would you please help him???

Thanks, *Len*.

Sweet Jessup, I'm in a swirling vortex!

Link to Swirling Vortex

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce

I need advice on how to exorcise the 'inner' christian that lurks deep within me. It's a sporadic problem that rarely surfaces, but when it does, well it quite ruins my day, not to mention scaring the ####### out of me! The latest manifestation is humming hymns! I kid you not. Today I caught myself humming 'All Praise Be" while making a pot of tea and I could have knocked myself down with a feather when I realised what I was doing. I fear the wearing of silks may be to blame...

Yours, atheistically

Cleo, Madame.

Goodness!

You know, I have to admit that I never really understood Christians, although I do like their bake sales and such.

I say, there's no problem humming hymns as long as you have either xylophone or whistling organ (I may even rent out Dave "Baby" Cortez--he needs to pay for yet another shag carpeting repair!) accompaniment. If you're concerned about some kind of involuntary brainwashing-based conversion, why not try substituting lyrics? For example, instead of "Almighty," how about "Cheese Fondue"?

Also, avoid silks as a precautionary measure.

Love,

Joyce