what should i do?

[Kathryn41 3,205]

((((((((Shannon)))))))))

What a sad and difficult place to be in - wanting to love and share your love and having the man you love not able to appreciate your gift.

I was in a relationship that became toxic and it took me a number of years before I finally was able to let go. It was so hard and I just kept thinking if I loved enough and tried hard enough I could make it work even though he didn't put any effort into it. I don't regret the relationship because I learned how to be more honest to myself through it and to admit that love has to be a two way street for a relationship to be healthy and thrive. I know that in his own way he did love me, but it wasn't a healthy way for me. He just didn't know how to love and support another person when it came to choosing between his wants and their needs.

I see a lot of what I went through in your posts and I so much want to encourage you to find the strength within yourself to let him go. Be angry at how he hs treated you. You don't deserve it. You do deserve a healthy, happy love that makes you feel greater than you are, rather than lessens who you are. Even a healthy relationship is a lot of work at times, but the reward is that you know it matters to both of you that the other is concerned with your well-being in addition to their own. How much better it is to put all of that energy into a relationship that is founded on mutual love and respect. I can certainly attest to that now.

I can promise you that there is someone out there who will love you for you and accept you and your daughter just the way you are - that you are deserving enough to love and respect and honour. You have to learn how to love, respect and honour yourself enough first, though, before he will show up. This man has never learned how to give love, respect or honour to anyone but himself. You can give all of the love you have to give in the world to such people - and it will never be enough.

If you have the means, please do seek some professional counselling and support. It can be very hard to learn to let go when it is your nature to be a giver. Good luck.

[TracyTN 237]

Rushter is RIGHT ON. That is what a man is supposed to be like. Not the sorry excuse for a man like your husband.

[MaryandMian 1]

Rushter hit the nail on the head with his post. I hope you are reading these replies Shannon and pulling some inner strength to heal yourself.

[shit head 0]

Yes i am reading all posts and i am healing day by day. Thanks to all of who give support. I appreciate all the posts and also all the good and caring advice.

[perfect 39]

Having worked in Psychology for some time and also having been in two abusive relationships prior to marrying my husband ,it appears as though your situation is indeed one of co-dependency and that this man deliberately took advantage of your nurturing and caring personal qualities, probably also of the fact that you were vulnerable and isolated from many forms of support when you met and communicated online. Sadly there are men (and occasonally women) who deliberately target people whom they feel they will easily gain control over and be able to manipulate to enable them to achieve their own ends.

I can only second what has already been said very wisely here: until you are ready and able to accept that this relationship can and will only ever be destructive to you and your daughter, you will continue to subject yourself to this abuse. Once you realize this man will never change, but that the abuse will only escalate as you fail to bow and scrape to his demands, then you will empower yourself to regain your life, your self-esteem and the courage and strength to change your situation.

You are a beautiful woman and I feel the pain you are experiencing, but until you understand what co-dependency is and how to deal with the unhealthy patterns it exhibits, I fear you will continue to believe that you love this man and allow yourself to continue to be destroyed emotionally by him.

Many sensible suggestions have been made such as changing your phone number - in doing this you are not only protecting yourself from having contact with him this way but you are also changing the balance of control so as to start to empower yourself.

Reading may seem like a ridiculous thing to suggest at this time, but I would suggest reading a book called Co-dependent no more. I can guarantee once you pick it up you won't be able to put it down, you will find yourself agreeing out loud with what it says and relating as a woman to how it describes a co-dependent realationship.

The take some time out - while you are off work for 2 weeks, why not just take your daughter away at least for a weekend and spend some real quality time together without distraction, away from the home where memories are always around you so you can be somewhat more objective about who you are, what you want and where you are going. Work out what is really important to you.

Perhaps consider seeing a psychologist who can help you unravel why this relationship, though obviously unhealthy, is such a draw for you, why your self-esteem is so low and how to enable and protect yourself from this in the future.

One thing I've learned in life is that we all have choices. Some are harder to make than others, but at the end of the day, you can't blame anyone else if you know the right choice to make but you choose not to make it, for whatever reason.

Only you can know what is right for you and only you can do it, but sometimes we need other people who are not so emotionally entagled to take a step back for us and help us see reality.

I hope you find the strength and courage to do what you need to do - and soon!

Take very good care of yourself and your daughter and know that you are both worth so much more than what this abuser has to offer you.

[PrinceandPrincess 0]

Hi Shannon,

How are you today? I am just reading your post and I felt so sorry that you are in a miserable situation. You deserved to be love, to be respected, to be honored, and to have a happy life as a whole. I apologized by saying that your husband is a fat liar, controlling, big loser and abusive! He torture your body, mind and soul! I know that it so difficult for you to detached yourself thinking of him but you have to face the reality that (learn it from reading your post) your husband didn't truly loves you and he didn't truly care about you and your daughter. If he does he wont leave you even how bad your fight was. It seem he didn't understand that in marriage you will love and cherish each other, be there in good time and bad, in good health and sickness, for richer and poorer, to be there and support each other when one is feeling down. Shannon, please open your eyes, he didn't contribute a solution to any of your problems instead he added himself into it. I know its difficult but try yourself to detached from him a little step everyday. I agree with somebody else here who give an advice that it is better if you change your phone number and email address if possible. And try not to made any contact with him as he just playing your heart, mind and soul. The more you read his email the more you become emotionally torture. This man is not worthy at all to share your gift of love to him. Like what other's say if you take him back it is possible for your ex to take your daughter away from you . You should have to stop worrying about him and his family. They didn't care about you and your daughter. What you can do is devote your time with your daughter because you are the only one that can help her out of confusion! You have to think who is the most precious in your life your daughter or him. All of us here in VJ just give you an advice, being sensitive to your broken heart and situation. YOU are the only one to make which decision you would want to. A professional family counselor can help you work things out.

Only time can heal your broken heart, I'll keep you in my prayers!

Shannon, I did not meant to harsh you I am just very sensitive to your situation.

& hugs,

Princess