Need A Laugh

[almaty 19]

chopf##ks

[Marilyn. 340]

A FEW LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

31.. I think I've reached my sexpiration date!

32. Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

33.. People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life - providing we get cable or that dish thing.

[Marilyn. 340]

Some people are so mean but it is so funny

http://www.break.com/index/mazescare9.html

[sowens 0]

OK OK I cant laugh anymore, I have tears and my side hurts! OMG at the avatar Marilyn that is top class!

[iceyspots 0]

[breezy 0]

"The Husband Store"

A store that sells new husbands has just opened on 5th Ave in New York City where women can go to choose a husband. As you enter the store there is a list of instructions of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to the store and the attributes of the men increase as ascend the flights. There is however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor but once you choose to go up to the next floor you can't go down except to exit the building! So a woman goes into the husband store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor a sign reads: Floor 1 these men have jobs.

She ascends to the 2nd floor where a sign reads: Floor 2 these men have jobs and love kids.

She ascends further to the 3rd floor where a sign reads: Floor 3 these men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking! "Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

On the 4th floor a sign reads: Floor 4 these men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Oh mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still she goes to the 5th Floor and a sign reads: Floor 5 these men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, helps with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but goes on to the 6th floor and a sign reads: You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the husband store.

A new wives store has opened across the street. The 1st floor has wives who enjoy sex. The 2nd has wives who enjoy sex and have money. The 3rd thru 6th floor have never been visited.

[almaty 19]

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his #######, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

[Marilyn. 340]

Words of Wisdom

* A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

* How come it takes so little time for a child, who is afraid of the dark, to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

* Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

* Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

* No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

* There are no new sins... the old ones just get more publicity.

* There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

* Think about this... no one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

* Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

* The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

* If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

* Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

* I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

* Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

*The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

* Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

* After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint you are probably dead.

[almaty 19]

oh so true

[Marilyn. 340]

How do these people survive? Believe me, they are out there................More than we know about. SO watch your orders your monetary change etc.

ONE- Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you

could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half

dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at

the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,"

was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order

six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO- I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and

The lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up

one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed

it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had

scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all

over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she

said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed

my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid

her for the things and left. She had no clue what had just happened.

THREE- A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy

Drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she

was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking

for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR- I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do

You need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have

replaced The battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

Do You think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a

battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I

asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the

car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I

replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.

It's a long walk."

FIVE- Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One

day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out

of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the

secretary told her With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of

paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX- I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was

Towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of

repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked

the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the

"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN- My neighbor works in the operations department in the central

office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have

problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in

one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming

from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT- Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal

colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy

machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police

pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't

telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the

suspect confessed.

NINE- A mother calls 911 very worried, asking the dispatcher if she

needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be

fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher:

Rush him in to emergency room!"

Life is tough.

It's tougher if you're stupid!"

[Marilyn. 340]

The following originally appeared as winners of a

"Worst Analogies ever written in a High School Essay Contest"

in the Washington Post Style Invitational"

* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Joseph Romm, Washington

* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

Russell Beland, Springfield

* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Roy Ashley, Washington

* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Russell Beland, Springfield

* Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake

Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

Unknown

* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Russell Beland, Springfield

* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

Jennifer Hart, Arlington

* The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth

Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Russell Beland, Springfield

* The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

* The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Unknown

[Marilyn. 340]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they

got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look

towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,

it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of

planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it

appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically! , it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small

and insignificant.Meteorologically , it seems we will have a beautiful

day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than

BuffaloTurd. It means someone stole tent."

[almaty 19]

always enjoy a good indian joke

[Marilyn. 340]

People Should Be More Careful About What They Write on Signs

[tomica52 0]

ha