Need A Laugh

[Marilyn. 340]

If you need a laugh then just stop by..... feel free to post your own funny ####### too

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Edited January 31, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

A male patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse" he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I am only here to wash your upper body and feet".

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?""

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a look and says, "Theres nothing wrong with them, sir"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful....But........Listen very, very carefully................

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK ?"

[Jasman0717 9]

[Marilyn. 340]

Global Warming

[Aymerlu 3]

Good ones!!!

[Dano 0]

[MaryandMian 1]

[mike&jie 0]

[KarenCee 3]

Global Warming

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Marilyn. 340]

Life's Lessons

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

[Marilyn. 340]

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Extra

thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat ####### in the glue on envelopes

because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an

envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove

toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these

products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked

with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water

buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a

perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since

they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number,

for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,

Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that

will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now

have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214

angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I

forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about

to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive

the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in

their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now

return the favor...

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7

minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your

head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it

actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's

ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

Edited February 6, 2006 by MarilynP

[Fandango 1,439]

A male patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse" he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I am only here to wash your upper body and feet".

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?""

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a look and says, "Theres nothing wrong with them, sir"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful....But........Listen very, very carefully................

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK ?"

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

[MarieAnastasia 0]

An elderly couple were sitting in church on Sunday morning. The wife leans over to her husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"

He leaned over to her and said, "Buy some new batteries for your hearing aide!!"

[MrMrsKnight 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

There are two statues in a park...one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the female statue, "Would you like to do it again?" Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you ####### on its head!"