Just For The Men

[Marilyn. 340]

Here is some good advice for you guys out there....

Valuable advice for all men

Allegedly the 5 questions most feared by men:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she's prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every

one is Guaranteed to explode into a major argument if

the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth).

Therefore, as a public service, each question is

analysed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry

if I've been pensive, my darling. I was just

reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful,

caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am

to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the

true answer, which most likely is one of the

following:

a. Football/rugby.

b. Cars/motorbikes.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I'd spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more

detailed answer is in order, "Yes, love."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh yeah, sh*t-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not,

don't be ridiculous!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly

thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking

about how I'd spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of

course not, you must be joking!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.

d. Define pretty?

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking

about how I'd spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of

course, is "Buy a Porsche and a boat".) No matter how

you answer this, be prepared for At least an hour of

follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do!

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (With a hurt look)

MAN: (audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace

them with her pictures?

MAN: Well, that would seem like the proper thing to

do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Sh*t!

[Peter Miami 0]

Hi MarilynP,

This was great thank you, now I know how to answer in the future when I get married.

Peter Miami

[almaty 19]

good answers, i practice them tonight

[Marilyn. 340]

Men Strike Back ! ! ! !

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules ! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair - ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[almaty 19]

Men Strike Back ! ! ! !

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules ! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair - ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

oh sooooooooo true...

[Fandango 1,439]

Hahahah, those are great!

I especially like this one:

. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Edited February 15, 2006 by LisaD

[Jasman0717 9]

[dollface41601 0]

hahahaha

[mike&jie 0]

[irishgirl73 0]

here's one for the guys :

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is

a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the

attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular

floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back

down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good

looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking

and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly

stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help

with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the

sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men

on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are

impossible to please. Thank you for shopping

[almaty 19]

true

[Marilyn. 340]

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say....

1 : What do you mean today's our anniversary?

2 : Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

3 : Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

4 : And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

5 : Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

6 : Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

7 : I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

[Marilyn. 340]

[*Robert* 2]

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say....

3 : Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

That one is priceless!!! Thanks for the chuckles!!!

If ONLY that weren't true!!!

[nayalamb 0]

oh this just made my evening!

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, love."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh yeah, sh*t-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

i get Oh yeah, sh*tloads quite a bit!

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say....

1 : What do you mean today's our anniversary?

2 : Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

3 : Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

4 : And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

5 : Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

6 : Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

7 : I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

actually i must be an anomaly, because i do #2 (especially if top model, survivor or amazing race is on! ), #6 (i hate being on the phone with anyone except my sisters, i email everyone else), and #7 (i am the tight-a$$ed budgeter right now. if i can't buy it at walmart, it doesn't exist )