Kids Say The Darndest Things

[Marilyn. 340]

Show and Tell

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a

few sessions with my students. It helps them get over

shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids

bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they

catch, stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on

them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,

they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very

outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of

the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my

baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love,

and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke

grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella

cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm

trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with

me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying

and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her

back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like

an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is doing a hysterical

duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but

she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.

They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica

lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in

there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled

all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs

spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing

away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and

'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even

got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.

He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from

Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside

there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and

returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever

since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder,

just in case another Erica comes along.

[Jasman0717 9]

[Marilyn. 340]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principals office. He was to telephone his Mother and ask her what he should do.

He called and returned to his class. Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him at his desk with his ####### hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" I did he said. "She told me that if I could stick it out until lunch time she'd come and pick me up from school!"

[Dusy 0]

Too funny!!

[MrMrsKnight 0]

I love kids and the way they surprise us sometimes!!!

[MaryandMian 1]

[Marilyn. 340]

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make.

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my mom always says."

The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back,a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jacka$$ to pay for it all."

The teacher fainted.

[SteveNanik 0]

[Dixie_Peach 1]

ROTFLMHineyOff!!!

[Jasman0717 9]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principals office. He was to telephone his Mother and ask her what he should do.

He called and returned to his class. Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him at his desk with his ####### hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" I did he said. "She told me that if I could stick it out until lunch time she'd come and pick me up from school!"

[Marilyn. 340]

Grandmas & Grandkids

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

*******************************************************************

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

**************************************

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he said.

********************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

***********************************

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

**********************************

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."

The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.

In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

**************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."

(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)

****************************************

" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

********************************************

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning.

He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.

When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

***********************************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"

A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[Marilyn. 340]

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now.

"How in heavens name did you find that out?"

The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

[Marilyn. 340]

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table.

So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then", says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

*ok, that is my last one ... I need to go get something to eat now

Edited February 14, 2006 by MarilynP

[Scott & Lai 12]

Show and Tell

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and

'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even

got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.

He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from

Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside

there."

"Play-Center" I'll have to remember that one

[Marilyn. 340]

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...

"Then why did you eat him?"