Am I Overreacting??

[jordanianprincess 0]

the issue is that he did tell me he would stop and is doing it behind my back

Then he probebly won't ever stop. You either accept it or you don't...just my experiance again. You have to decide how important this is to you and so does he.

[Sister Fracas 5]

or does doing that make me look like a weaker women, am i setting myself up?

Thanks Frances

Maybe you could write it out if you thought you would forget some things you wanted to really say and just have it with you to help you along if you forget something. But I think it needs to be verbalized.

[kaydee457 13]

I can see that the "problem" is clearly rooted in insecurity on behalf of the OP. There's plenty of more important things to dwell on in a relationship than this trivial nonsense....

The fact that you actually made such a trivial matter such an issue will surely lay the groundwork for more rebellious behavior on behalf of your SO in my opinion. He may acquiesce this time around but these things tend to come back time and again.

You cannot control what people read or view, not even your SO. Get used to it because trust me, there's far worse things that are coming your way in a relationship such as this than his casual pastime of viewing naked ladies.....

But hey what do I know? I'm a man and of course as a result I have no worthy opinion(s).

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

the issue is that he did tell me he would stop and is doing it behind my back

would you concede a single day for him to look at them? or is this a 100% done deal on your end?

[Sister Fracas 5]

But hey what do I know? I'm a man and of course as a result I have no worthy opinion(s).

Glad we're all in agreement now!

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Def agree with Merc - don't HINT, don't 'allude' - say it straight.

If he doesn't get it ask him how he would feel if YOU had promised him to quit something, and then snuck around and done it. Its not what he's doing so much, IMO, as the fact he said he'd quit, didn't and then hid it.

If its 'nothing' then why hide it? Because he knew it DID upset her and he'd promised NOT to do it.

It could apply to anything..the fact is he didn't go to her and say he'd started up again or ask her if she really minded..she found out about it and that's hurtful.

If my guy was making sexy flirty talk with other girls behind my back Id feel the same way - if he was looking at pix of them - real people - id be hurt beyond belief..I know this is 'just models pix' but she sees it in a similar way - its the apparent disregard for her feelings thats the kicker I think.

Best of luck with your chat - I do think merc has made some good points tho

[jordanianprincess 0]

But hey what do I know? I'm a man and of course as a result I have no worthy opinion(s).

Glad we're all in agreement now!

On the contrary, I think having the opinion of the opposite sex is helpful and can also help put things in perspective.

[Sister Fracas 5]

the issue is that he did tell me he would stop and is doing it behind my back

would you concede a single day for him to look at them? or is this a 100% done deal on your end?

Lemme ask you this....your wife spends money out of control and you ask her to give it a rest, she agrees and you find out she's hitting the mall on a daily basis and stashing the Gucci shoes and Fendi purses under the bed....you are

• annoyed that she broke a promise
  
• don't care because all women are just hard-wired to shop anyway
  
• ignore the incident and let it fester, knowing she's spending more and more money
  

[Jersey Girl 2]

he KNOWS it really bothers me yet he still continues to do it

There are two betrayals here: using other women for sexual stimuli, and then continuing to do it after you've told him how you feel. This is not simply a harmless guy thing, in my opinion, but a sexual addiction you may not have known about before you married.

The immigration process is a red herring. Don't let it confuse the issue. If you feel he's not going to be the long-term partner you signed on for, then dump him before he hurts you even more. If that seems too drastic, then suggest you both go for counselling. In the end, he has to make a choice about the female he wants in his life: his wife or the porn girl on the monitor.

You are not powerless. You've always been in control of your destiny.

[Sister Fracas 5]

But hey what do I know? I'm a man and of course as a result I have no worthy opinion(s).

Glad we're all in agreement now!

On the contrary, I think having the opinion of the opposite sex is helpful and can also help put things in perspective.

by calling it a trivial matter, he doesn't get that this has less to do with the bikini gals than the going back on a promise.

And to clarify, I don't think all men have unworthy opinions, but if they aren't going to see what she is clearly stating...and just brush real emotions to the side as silly or whatever, well...*shrug*....I don't find much credence in the opinions....and besides he set himself up...LOL.

Edited April 18, 2006 by Frances

[CanGal 1]

it is helpful to have both oppinions but i dont feel it's trivial because they don't understand that yes its him looking at them but the bigger issue is that we've talked about it many times before and he knows it bothers me yet he still makes a decision in going on with the behaviour behind my back. that is what bothers me and if he's doing it with something thats so "trivial" what else is he hiding. If he really thought it wasn't a big deal he wouldn't do it behind my back.

[Sister Fracas 5]

it is helpful to have both oppinions but i dont feel it's trivial because they don't understand that yes its him looking at them but the bigger issue is that we've talked about it many times before and he knows it bothers me yet he still makes a decision in going on with the behaviour behind my back. that is what bothers me and if he's doing it with something thats so "trivial" what else is he hiding. If he really thought it wasn't a big deal he wouldn't do it behind my back.

I understand what you are saying....

[Chicken_Little 0]

I guess I can't make peace with it because alot of women i know besides me don't like it either and yet we feel so powerless against it because we feel like its the male nature but its like us saying we have PMS and can't control it, thats a crock. Ya it's there but it doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. Yes I have talked to him about it before, I found out before we got married. He would say he was sorry and didn't want to hurt me but then I found he tried to get sneakier about it and he avoids it if I bring it up and won't takl to me unless I go to him. It's just frustrating. It hurts. I wish I knew how to educate a man on what that stuff does to majority of women, even the women involved in it. *Shrug*

I guess I would say "why are you checking up on what he is doing??" That just indicates some kind of insecurity. I dont go looking for the stuff, but if someone sends it to me...I just laugh.

I still turn my head when I see a pretty woman. What am I supposed to do....look the other way???

I think you should be glad that he is not looking at men for example....that is something that you could do.

But....in my male opinion...no big deal!!! just be glad that he still has an interest and he is only looking.

Well, you don't have to look the other way, but blatantly checking out another woman in front of your wife is just plain disrespectful. Honestly, how would you feel if she checked out every hot guy that walked by her while out with you?

My man knows better then to let me catch him checking out other women. He does still look -- I know he's not blind, but he respects me enough to not do it blatantly and crane his neck to look at another woman when he's with me.

[CanGal 1]

i do believe i have power in this and thanks for that comment jersey girl. Its to the point where its not about me now, it's about how i feel about it yes, do i feel there is something wrong with me that he's doing it, no. maybe i am making it out to be bigger than it is, but now that i've been talking on here, i now see that its not really about the bikinis but the fact that i knew about the much more graphic stuff i've found before and didn't mention much of or at all and when i did, i made it clear i didn't like it. I can recall 2-3 conversations where i've told him this... and he's been good since we've been married that i know of till this came up so i don't know if he's hidinig stuff from me or not. i am not about to look and i didn't look then, it came to me so it wasn't as if i was snoopin on him.

[Traviesa 0]

I guess I can't make peace with it because alot of women i know besides me don't like it either and yet we feel so powerless against it because we feel like its the male nature but its like us saying we have PMS and can't control it, thats a crock. Ya it's there but it doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. Yes I have talked to him about it before, I found out before we got married. He would say he was sorry and didn't want to hurt me but then I found he tried to get sneakier about it and he avoids it if I bring it up and won't takl to me unless I go to him. It's just frustrating. It hurts. I wish I knew how to educate a man on what that stuff does to majority of women, even the women involved in it. *Shrug*

I guess I would say "why are you checking up on what he is doing??" That just indicates some kind of insecurity. I dont go looking for the stuff, but if someone sends it to me...I just laugh.

I still turn my head when I see a pretty woman. What am I supposed to do....look the other way???

I think you should be glad that he is not looking at men for example....that is something that you could do.

But....in my male opinion...no big deal!!! just be glad that he still has an interest and he is only looking.

Well, you don't have to look the other way, but blatantly checking out another woman in front of your wife is just plain disrespectful. Honestly, how would you feel if she checked out every hot guy that walked by her while out with you?

My man knows better then to let me catch him checking out other women. He does still look -- I know he's not blind, but he respects me enough to not do it blatantly and crane his neck to look at another woman when he's with me.

LOL-Javier and I check out girls TOGETHER. It all comes down to-different strokes for different folks. What one finds disrespectful someone else may feel is acceptable.