Am I Overreacting??

[CanGal 1]

you all have been so generous with your comments though, thank you, its a big help, helps me sort through this. You all are such a blessing

[Euro 3]

i guess i could try that, it might work. I tryed it once a while ago and he scoffed at me but it wasn't on such a big issue as this. We both are bad at communication on many levels. I hope i can just make it clear to him. All i want is for him to really try to understand me and where i am coming from, if this is the first time then so be it.

If you find it hard to talk about it with him & for him to hear what your point is, why not email him..........then after he has read the email maybe you could ask did he read the email ya sent him, & what did he think???.......see if you can talk about it that way......put all your thoughts , fears in the email!!

but then TALK about it too!!!

[mercuryroad 0]

i guess i could try that, it might work. I tryed it once a while ago and he scoffed at me but it wasn't on such a big issue as this. We both are bad at communication on many levels. I hope i can just make it clear to him. All i want is for him to really try to understand me and where i am coming from, if this is the first time then so be it.

Yep....put your foot down. It is funny how men will respond to that.....a strong woman has a lot of power. This is your house too and you have expectations. At worst, you will get him angry enough to actually start talking.

This is an embarassing topic so tread lightly.....but make him repeat or say back to you what your problem is with the situation. Then you'll know he listened and understood you.

[*Robert* 2]

this issue of internet porn is extremely delicate. i know that there are women here the would disagree with me but .... every man has looked and may currently be looking.

men are visually stimulated and this provides them a little 'kick'. the majority of the time it remains completely innocent but some men do experience 'sensory saturation'. this is when the same material does not provide the same 'kick' any more and they need to turn up the notch ... maybe from photos to movies to hard core etc ...

intellectually, we all know that this is normal for a man to fantasize about other women ... this is natural, even in a healthy relationship. what a woman has a hard time differentiating is the fact that this is not about her. of course your husband loves you and adores you and only wants to be with you ... but he likes to look also.

the fact that you 'caught' your husband ... makes him embarrassed and probably brings him back to the age of 12 or 13 when he first started masturbating or having wetdreams.

many americans come from the culture were it's acceptable to be embarrassed about sexual acts and to keep nudity to an extreme minimum and discussion is almost nil.

you will need to sit down and discuss this with you husband ONLY when you have come to grips with exactly how you feel and when you realize that this has nothing to do with you, your looks, or your relationship with your husband. you should ask him about his fantasies and the frequency in which he looks at porn.

this can be an addiction for some men and possibly some woman. i hope that you are both able to talk about this with each other open and honestly without anyone being ashamed!!

pm if you ever need to chat about it!

I don't think it could be better said!

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

Do not turn this into something it is not. You obsessing over pictures of girls in bikinis is a bigger problem than the pictures themselves. jeez

[CanGal 1]

i'm not obsessing over the pics, i have said they are just girls in bikinis. i am obessing over the fact that we've had this conversation many of times and yet he still continues to do so when i've made it clear it bothers me. Thats the issue

i thought about writing a letter, but people said that my point wouldn't come across strong if i did it that way so i think the email may do the same. but what if i made him read the letter in front of me and then me voice back to me what he thinks i'm saying. i just feel that i'll get all caught up in the moment and get emotional and won't say half of what i'd like too so if i can get it all on paper where it makes sense and then have him read it in front of me and get him to voice what i'm saying and how we can work on it, that would be alright would it not?

[Sister Fracas 5]

(((((CanGal)))))

Have a good talk with him tonight and yes, marriage is sometimes a challenge...it's not all about roses. Merc has some good points from the man's point.....sometimes they are just a bit thick and need things completely spelled out.

[CanGal 1]

or does doing that make me look like a weaker women, am i setting myself up?

Thanks Frances

[Sister Fracas 5]

Do not turn this into something it is not. You obsessing over pictures of girls in bikinis is a bigger problem than the pictures themselves. jeez

i'm not obsessing over the pics, i have said they are just girls in bikinis. i am obessing over the fact that we've had this conversation many of times and yet he still continues to do so when i've made it clear it bothers me. Thats the issue

And hiding it... I don't understand how sneaking around can be a good thing....

[*Robert* 2]

i'm not obsessing over the pics, i have said they are just girls in bikinis. i am obessing over the fact that we've had this conversation many of times and yet he still continues to do so when i've made it clear it bothers me. Thats the issue

i thought about writing a letter, but people said that my point wouldn't come across strong if i did it that way so i think the email may do the same. but what if i made him read the letter in front of me and then me voice back to me what he thinks i'm saying. i just feel that i'll get all caught up in the moment and get emotional and won't say half of what i'd like too so if i can get it all on paper where it makes sense and then have him read it in front of me and get him to voice what i'm saying and how we can work on it, that would be alright would it not?

I have to admit that if there was something my wife just really didn't want me doing, I would have to really consider not doing it out of love and respect for her, regardless of what it is. Thank goodness she doesn't have a problem with porn or pictures, because that would be a hard one to give up!

Having him read a letter in front of you is a good idea, and a starting place for a conversation afterward.

[Sister Fracas 5]

or does doing that make me look like a weaker women, am i setting myself up?

Thanks Frances

Maybe you could write it out if you thought you would forget some things you wanted to really say and just have it with you to help you along if you forget something. But I think it needs to be verbalized.

[jordanianprincess 0]

Here is my 2 cents and I'm speaking from experiance. My ex was into those things...not the reason he is my ex.

If he is into those things, he most likely will not change. If he does agree to stop, it may be temporary. He can always do it behind your back.

So the question is this:

Is it ok? Everyone has different preferences. It never bothered me because I looked at it as fantasy land.

I do have friends that are totally against it and it seemed to me that their husbands were more into than my ex..you always want what you can't have.

Is is harmful to your marriage? Could go both ways, its a toss up.

Would you be more upset if he told you he would stop and then you found it he was doing it behind your back?

Take all this into consideration and make sure you pick and choose your battles wisely. Good luck

[CanGal 1]

Maybe i will do it that way then , it takes some tension over both of us, i won't get upset and say things i don't mean and starts us off both talking. Lets hope he's up for it when he gets home, he works till 11 tonight, well he works till 11 every night. *crosses fingers*

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

or does doing that make me look like a weaker women, am i setting myself up?

Thanks Frances

Maybe you could write it out if you thought you would forget some things you wanted to really say and just have it with you to help you along if you forget something. But I think it needs to be verbalized.

[CanGal 1]

the issue is that he did tell me he would stop and is doing it behind my back