Am I Overreacting??

[canadalaura 0]

If it bothers you that much, then it's obviously an issue you have to talk to your husband about. Personally it wouldn't bother me at all. Both of us enjoy that sort of thing from time to time sometimes together, sometimes not (I know, TMI) - we never hide it from each other, and it is certainly not something that we would choose over being together, or spend insane amounts of time on.

The only thing that really matters though is how you feel about it and how it will affect your marriage. I have dated people in the past where it WAS a problem, and they were obsessed about it and made me feel secondary to the videos, etc.

[mercuryroad 0]

Fair enough MissLiss...point taken....but if he's going to lengths to HIDE it from her, doing it while she's asleep....after she has asked him not to...

come on.

At some point you have to respect yourself a little more than that!

This is what I think about the situation....and this is just my 2 cents....

He can't understand why you are asking him to stop looking at porn. For him, it probably feels similar to how you would feel if he asked you to give up scrapbooking (insert whatever you do for fun here). It's a fun activity-it means nothing to him, he hates that he has to sneak around to do it but he felt like a regular perv the last time he was caught and confronted. He has no idea how serious the situation is. If he knows and understands, he may be willing to give it up. He may not understand why, but he may be willing to for the good of the relationship.

Bingo

[CarolineM 0]

and i;'m still going...

the heroin simile is not a bad one. Internet porn can be an addiction - just like drugs, like food, like cheating...anything that you can't stop doing, even though you and all of the people that are important to you want you to stop....

It is not a bad comparison, really. I think people are missing the point. She asked him to stop, he hasn't, and is sneaking around doing it..HELLO? Would you be happy if your husbands did something like this, ????NO!!!!

No matter WHAT it is.

[mercuryroad 0]

and i;'m still going...

the heroin simile is not a bad one. Internet porn can be an addiction - just like drugs, like food, like cheating...anything that you can't stop doing, even though you and all of the people that are important to you want you to stop....

It is not a bad comparison, really. I think people are missing the point. She asked him to stop, he hasn't, and is sneaking around doing it..HELLO? Would you be happy if your husbands did something like this, ????NO!!!!

No matter WHAT it is.

I bet he does not understand the magnitude.

If your husband said, honey you shop too much would you give it up for life.....probably not.

[gimygirl 0]

ok ... who actually reads what i write?? i've hit on every thing you've all already said!

it's called 'sensory saturation' ... it happens with all addictions. smoking, eating, drinking etc ... internet porn can lead to addicting behavior, does it always? no. some men simply treat it as their little private kick at the end of the day!

cangal ... if you cannot sit down with your husband and have an open, honest conversation with him about this ... then i would worry more about the security of your relationship than just him looking at porn.

[CarolineM 0]

I read what you write I just get caught up in what I want to say and end up being redundant

Scrapbooking is relaxing...fair enough.

I'm sure drug addicts find using Cocaine relaxing too - doesn't mean I'd let my husband do it every day as his little "Relaxation" technique.

[CanGal 1]

I am not really going off topic when i start talking about the women in porn industry. Because that is one of the many reasons why it bothers me that he does it. Women are essentially being degraded so that he could get a small free peep show. To me there is something wrong in that. No we are not lacking in areas. there is lots of stress that i yet can not get my ead (we applied last august) and he's been working alot. I know he loves me , adores, me and i love him as well. Yes there are times where I don't feel good enough, I don't feel adequate. I'm a women, thats how it feels. But if we are all feeling that on some level but learn to just get along with it maybe there isn't anything wrong with us in the way we feel and that its their actions that are the problem but we all seem to bow down to them telling ourselves its ok, or try not to think about it. I am told its not me and maybe its not, maybe it is, but it can't be good if majority of us aren't feeling "right" about it. I guess this is one thing that gets my blood boiling. I don't want to offend anyone. Essentially this is really about me and my issues with it. I again i thank you all for your imput

[mercuryroad 0]

ok ... who actually reads what i write?? i've hit on every thing you've all already said!

it's called 'sensory saturation' ... it happens with all addictions. smoking, eating, drinking etc ... internet porn can lead to addicting behavior, does it always? no. some men simply treat it as their little private kick at the end of the day!

cangal ... if you cannot sit down with your husband and have an open, honest conversation with him about this ... then i would worry more about the security of your relationship than just him looking at porn.

Totally agree.....I'm just trying to help the poor guy out. He's going to be totally blindsided and not know what hit him.

Cangal, if you hear the other side it might help you not have another day or two of not talking. Try to see his perspective and you will help yourself out with this.

[CarolineM 0]

Totally agree.....I'm just trying to help the poor guy out. He's going to be totally blindsided and not know what hit him.

Ya think? If Lu told you "Please do'nt look at porn, it makes me upset and feel inferior..." And then you knowingly did it anyway - and she confronted youa gain...would you be blindsided? honestly?

[gimygirl 0]

It is not a bad comparison, really. I think people are missing the point. She asked him to stop, he hasn't, and is sneaking around doing it..HELLO? Would you be happy if your husbands did something like this, ????NO!!!!

No matter WHAT it is.

.... just asking someone to stop is not the answer.

how many live with someone overweight? have you asked them to stop eating as much?

how many live with someone who drinks? have you asked them to stop drinking?

how many live with someone who smokes? have you asked them to stop smoking?

how many live with someone who shops too much? have you limited their access to money?

how many live with someone who swears all the time? have you asked them to stop?

we may all live with someone who does something that we really don't care for .... but if you asked your spouse to stop doing any of the above and they didn't ... what would you do???

i'm glad that you can admit that this is about you, cangal ... that's a really hard step to take. christina said it also when she said that it makes her feel insecure. i would bet that most women here would agree with you ... we're not perfect and we start to compare ourselves with what's on the tv, magazines & movies. but you're husband married you ... and since you said that your intimacy is not lacking in the bedroom, it's apparent that he is still quite happy with you!

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

I don't know -- if someone told me not to do something and I really didn't know the depth of feeling behind it, I probably wouldn't think it was as big of a problem as it was made out to be.

I think if you over-reach in argument you are setting yourself up for defeat. If someone equated, say, having a few drinks after work with alcoholism I would think they were being unreasonable - and I wouldn't like being told what to do, or an attempt to have my behavoir controlled in that way, esepcially if it turned out to be a deal breaker in the relationship, in spite of it not being a problem in any other way other than "they didn't like it"

I think it's a lot more complicated than she told him to stop so he should

[CanGal 1]

i love that your trying to help him out mercuryroad, and I'd love to know his side too. He won't tell me though. I am the one that always talks in these situations. Then we sit there and sit there, and sit there, silence, he says he's sorry, didn't know it bothered me. Won't happen again. and it hasn't in a long time till now, just recently so i'm not really MAD about it, just hurt. I wish he was more open about it with me, talk to me because i shouldn't have to address it all the time when he very well knows how i feel. I don't badger him ever, i am always nice about, and actually kind of quite because i hate talking about it to begin with but it bothers me. I try to give him a chance, i don't ever get on him. so i want to know thats all... sorry about the heroine simile, makes sense to me just because they had a program here the other night on it and how bad porn addiction is on the rise and that its getting worse and or eqivilant to those addicted to heroine and that the steps to getting there are equal.

[Ladylethal 12]

It's what I said in my first reply. He prolly doesn't see the harm as you do, and only sitting down to talk will work. No, don't do it through a letter, you need to able to TALK to him, and hear what he has to say. And don't leave it for next week or for when things have passed. I don't want to be rude to any men here, but men are somewhat like dogs on these matters, if you don't point out their mistake the minute they do it, they won't get it, no matter how much you try. You have to show them what they did wrong while it's still in effect.

[Jenn! 918]

men are somewhat like dogs on these matters

[CanGal 1]

i guess the other reason it bothers me is that i'm here. we're not lacking , that i think. it's not like i work , i have all the energy in the world. I cater to him really. I cook for him ( i hate cooking, i am just learning now actually, never had to cook before i got married) i do his laundry, i keep the house clean, i make sure he has lunches made to take to work (good lunches like steak and stuff) and i dont know what else i can do. i in a sense feel very trapped like no matter what i do it still comes back to that and down to that and then i just feel defeated, disrespected, kind of like a maid. Then i feel used. I know i have to talk to him. its just going to be hard, vulnerability at that level is very hard for me.