Am I Overreacting??

[Traviesa 0]

Before you freak out over Karo's post, also keep in mind that there are plenty of instances where it does NOT develop into something more.... just wanted to remind you of that.

[ChristinaM 0]

I dislike the idea of my husband watching porn because it makes me feel insecure.

There. Someone had to say it.

It makes me feel insecure because I know that I don't look like the women in the pictures, movies etc., it makes me feel insecure because I wonder what it is that I'm not doing (or not doing right) to satisfy him, and it makes me feel insecure because essentially, at the bottom of it all, I don't feel adequate.

It's a pure gut reaction. I'm a smart person, I know about the biology and physiology of attraction, but hot dayum, it's hard to be rational when you don't feel "good enough".

[CarolineM 0]

I would be concerned if my husband REFUSED to give up something that upset me THAT much. That's the point here I think. We are supposed to have open lines of communication and be able to talk and be honest with our spouses...but if they refuse to listen - that's not a good sign! No matter what it is - smoking, porn, drinking, picking his nose, being rude...I mean whatever issue it is...does that make sense?

I am too personally invested in this issue to probably give sound advice, however....due to my past relationship.

[Ladylethal 12]

I wil say one thing though, some men use that to improve the sex life with the wife, so in his mind he's not being disrespectful to you. I know my dad reads Playboy and mom doesn't care, 'cus she knows he's only looking at the pretty bodies, but doesn't mean he's going out after them.

[CarolineM 0]

Fair enough MissLiss...point taken....but if he's going to lengths to HIDE it from her, doing it while she's asleep....after she has asked him not to...

come on.

At some point you have to respect yourself a little more than that!

[Traviesa 0]

I wil say one thing though, some men use that to improve the sex life with the wife, so in his mind he's not being disrespectful to you. I know my dad reads Playboy and mom doesn't care, 'cus she knows he's only looking at the pretty bodies, but doesn't mean he's going out after them.

Good point! Remember if he's satisfied by looking that means he's not going to be out trying to touch (or taste, as Rebecca points out).

[Sister Fracas 5]

I wil say one thing though, some men use that to improve the sex life with the wife, so in his mind he's not being disrespectful to you. I know my dad reads Playboy and mom doesn't care, 'cus she knows he's only looking at the pretty bodies, but doesn't mean he's going out after them.

But your mum doesn't care....that's the difference.

[gimygirl 0]

cangal ...

you need to stay on topic here and not derail your own thread (which is not about women in the porn industry).

what you haven't addressed (and i certainly don't mean that you have to here) is: has the quality of your relationship in the bedroom decreased? has your marital initmacy waned in any way?

you need to go into a conversation with him about how it makes YOU feel and not that he should stop. this will backfire ... just as it does when a spouse demands that the other quit smoking.

[Traviesa 0]

Fair enough MissLiss...point taken....but if he's going to lengths to HIDE it from her, doing it while she's asleep....after she has asked him not to...

come on.

At some point you have to respect yourself a little more than that!

This is what I think about the situation....and this is just my 2 cents....

He can't understand why you are asking him to stop looking at porn. For him, it probably feels similar to how you would feel if he asked you to give up scrapbooking (insert whatever you do for fun here). It's a fun activity-it means nothing to him, he hates that he has to sneak around to do it but he felt like a regular perv the last time he was caught and confronted. He has no idea how serious the situation is. If he knows and understands, he may be willing to give it up. He may not understand why, but he may be willing to for the good of the relationship.

[CanGal 1]

Thats exactly it Karo112 ..... how do you know that it won't go to far. It's what it does, you get so desensitized you have to start taking in more and more, thats how addiction starts and they are saying now that porn addiction is on the rise and its as equivalent to heroin addiction. Would I be ok if my husband shot up every now and again him knowing that it bothered me but me knowing that it was fatal to us, and my relationship with him. No... k i think i'm not makin sense, now, i know i have to sit down and talk with him. Its going to be hard because I am not a talking kind of person on this kind of stuff, its really hard for me. what if i right him a letter, would he then get it or not take me as seriously if i did it that way.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

I think you'll lose the argument with him if you compare looking at porn to shooting up heroin

[Traviesa 0]

CanGal, that's your hubby. You need to be able to talk to him about anything at any time. A letter I promise will NOT have the effect you're going for.

[Sister Fracas 5]

Fair enough MissLiss...point taken....but if he's going to lengths to HIDE it from her, doing it while she's asleep....after she has asked him not to...

come on.

At some point you have to respect yourself a little more than that!

This is what I think about the situation....and this is just my 2 cents....

He can't understand why you are asking him to stop looking at porn. For him, it probably feels similar to how you would feel if he asked you to give up scrapbooking (insert whatever you do for fun here). It's a fun activity-it means nothing to him, he hates that he has to sneak around to do it but he felt like a regular perv the last time he was caught and confronted. He has no idea how serious the situation is. If he knows and understands, he may be willing to give it up. He may not understand why, but he may be willing to for the good of the relationship.

Come on Melissa...you aren't seriously going to try and compare looking at porn with scrapbooking....

But ok...IF CanGal's scrapbooking were something her husband didn't like and she went off to secret scrapbooking meetings....she'd be hiding something and hiding something within a relationship is never the way to go.

[CarolineM 0]

CANGAL you are making PERFECT sense. That's just it - the addiction - and I TRULY believe (and I am a therapist) that my ex WAS ADDICTED to internet porn...and chatting and the like. I asked him to stop 10 million times and he wouldn't, or couldn't...he was crushed when I left him, cried, begged, the whole nine...but he couldn't stop messing around on the internet. It got so bad he was doing it at work - and he's in the military - he even got written up at work AND KEPT DOING IT because he couldn't stop.

Is he an extreme case? Yes. But you are right about internet addictions on the rise. It's not just a joke.

Am I saying he's cheating on you - NO WAY but if you are quesitoning yourself AND HIM that's something that needs to be addressed - or it will get worse...you know?

Edited April 18, 2006 by karo112

[Traviesa 0]

Fair enough MissLiss...point taken....but if he's going to lengths to HIDE it from her, doing it while she's asleep....after she has asked him not to...

come on.

At some point you have to respect yourself a little more than that!

This is what I think about the situation....and this is just my 2 cents....

He can't understand why you are asking him to stop looking at porn. For him, it probably feels similar to how you would feel if he asked you to give up scrapbooking (insert whatever you do for fun here). It's a fun activity-it means nothing to him, he hates that he has to sneak around to do it but he felt like a regular perv the last time he was caught and confronted. He has no idea how serious the situation is. If he knows and understands, he may be willing to give it up. He may not understand why, but he may be willing to for the good of the relationship.

Come on Melissa...you aren't seriously going to try and compare looking at porn with scrapbooking....

But ok...IF CanGal's scrapbooking were something her husband didn't like and she went off to secret scrapbooking meetings....she'd be hiding something and hiding something within a relationship is never the way to go.

Yes I am because I know that it's something that's done for the purposes of enjoyment or relaxation.