Am I Overreacting??

[jordanianprincess 0]

Hey Everyone, wow, I never thought that this thread would get this much of a response. It's kind of crazy. I just want to clear some things up that I think people kind of started going along with that I never stated before. People just need to read a little more clearly.

A) I never mentioned masturbation whatsoever or my views of if I thought it was wrong or not and that I was asking my Hubby to give it up, wasn't even brought up on here.

B) I wasn't snooping. I really don't have to explain myself, thats not the issue. When you have highspeed internet and you both use the same computer daily and leave it on daily and he hops off to work and you get on, if he was searching how couldn't I get pop ups? *Shrug* I had no reason to snoop whatsoever.

C) The bikini models were not your everyday "Victoria Secret" model who are essentially modeling off the bathing suite. This was porn, they were 98% naked thats the thing. Also the issue wasn't really the bikini models in itself, it was the fact that he was "looking" to "look". Big difference if you happen to be in a real life circumstance like a beach setting and its there.

D) I have never ever demanded that he listen to my way of thinking and rules and beliefs and that he should give it up entirely. I have never come across that way and he admits that. He isn't good about talking in general about alot of things. He's quite, i guess he chooses his words carefully.

E) When we met we talked about these things and he is the one that would address them and he was the one that first told me that he believed in the particular things that I stood for which is one thing that attracted me to him.

F) He's not a bad guy. He's never been a bad guy. I have given him a big break. I am actually pretty care free on a lot of things.

G) I'm not religously brainwashed. I can't change your oppions and your all entitled to your oppinions. I'm glad you shared them with me. But I believe and have faith that my relationship with the Lord and what he commands of me and requires of me is not to "Limit" me from fun and to strap me down but to set me free. Only truth can set you free and I believe those boundaries are there so that I can live freely. Thats the very essence of God. He loves me, he loves us all, he only wants the best for me.

H) I love my husband very much, and yes this is an issue that bothers me on a higher level. Nothing has ever happened to me in the past to warp my view on this thats just how I feel about the issue. I can't essentially in essence control everything he does but I can hopefully influence him and just stand up for what I believe is right and stand true to that. I have the right to make the decision in allowing it into my marriage or not. I choose not too

You are right and have the choice to allow in your marriage what you want. It's good to see that someone can be open to other peoples opinions when they ask for them. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for the best

[Oly 0]

Hey Everyone, wow, I never thought that this thread would get this much of a response. It's kind of crazy. I just want to clear some things up that I think people kind of started going along with that I never stated before. People just need to read a little more clearly.

A) I never mentioned masturbation whatsoever or my views of if I thought it was wrong or not and that I was asking my Hubby to give it up, wasn't even brought up on here.

B) I wasn't snooping. I really don't have to explain myself, thats not the issue. When you have highspeed internet and you both use the same computer daily and leave it on daily and he hops off to work and you get on, if he was searching how couldn't I get pop ups? *Shrug* I had no reason to snoop whatsoever.

C) The bikini models were not your everyday "Victoria Secret" model who are essentially modeling off the bathing suite. This was porn, they were 98% naked thats the thing. Also the issue wasn't really the bikini models in itself, it was the fact that he was "looking" to "look". Big difference if you happen to be in a real life circumstance like a beach setting and its there.

D) I have never ever demanded that he listen to my way of thinking and rules and beliefs and that he should give it up entirely. I have never come across that way and he admits that. He isn't good about talking in general about alot of things. He's quite, i guess he chooses his words carefully.

E) When we met we talked about these things and he is the one that would address them and he was the one that first told me that he believed in the particular things that I stood for which is one thing that attracted me to him.

F) He's not a bad guy. He's never been a bad guy. I have given him a big break. I am actually pretty care free on a lot of things.

G) I'm not religously brainwashed. I can't change your oppions and your all entitled to your oppinions. I'm glad you shared them with me. But I believe and have faith that my relationship with the Lord and what he commands of me and requires of me is not to "Limit" me from fun and to strap me down but to set me free. Only truth can set you free and I believe those boundaries are there so that I can live freely. Thats the very essence of God. He loves me, he loves us all, he only wants the best for me.

H) I love my husband very much, and yes this is an issue that bothers me on a higher level. Nothing has ever happened to me in the past to warp my view on this thats just how I feel about the issue. I can't essentially in essence control everything he does but I can hopefully influence him and just stand up for what I believe is right and stand true to that. I have the right to make the decision in allowing it into my marriage or not. I choose not too

And I dont believe sex is wrong, its a GREAT thing really. Its a wonderful thing, i just believe it should be kept within the privacy of two people in marriage. I took a vow in forsaking in all others not just physically but on all levels. Nothing wrong with fantasizing when it's your other your fantasizing about. Why would I want to fantasize about being with anyone else but him, I married him so I could be with him and freely live in that.

[MrMrsKnight 0]

It's very good that you explained some things even though you didn't have to!

I hope you guys talk and agree on something that make you both happy if that's possible, and I think it is.

[Oly 0]

sorry i forgot to add my reply to all that. I completely agree with you Cangal. You just need to communicate more with your husband. Let him know why that bothers you so much and how that makes you feel, im sure he will understand you. I know sometimes its difficult to talk about things like that and more without fighting, but we need to have patience in our marriage if we want to keep going together and being just one person. Im trying to do that with fiance and its working so far. Remember in marriage we learn from each other and grow up together with love

OLY

[CanGal 1]

And we did end up talking .... He brought it up not me which was suprising

I was actually in the bathtub , had candles, the whole bit and I was just lying there with the curtain closed thinking about everything and he came in and asked if I wanted to talk, that and if I wanted my back scrubbed. I ended up righting a letter out and had him read it back to me and I think that made the difference when he heard my feelings on the matter come out of his own mouth, I think it did mine too. Finally getting him involved in some conversation, real convo, without having to try and pull it out of him. He apologized, said he never meant it to hurt me, not that I ever thought that he intended too, but I just made it clear that when he makes choices and such behaviiour no matter how much you tell me you didn't do it to hurt me that still the message he was sending me. He said he completely understood and said that he wouldn't feel right if he knew I was involved in the same kind of behaviour. Was it as bad as what he was into before, no and he made it clear that he really hasn't gone that far since we been married out of respect for me and himself. He said he kind of realized that he had to admit that part of him didn't even like looking but couldn't help it. He knew it was degrading, felt that it was to women and that it put him on a low point as a man. He said it out loud "I've realized it takes a REAL man to be able to show restraint" because thats where strength is. I was so proud of him. He was really open with me, I with him. Lots of crying on my part, but it all worked out.

and i just heard this thing today on tv. A practise all couples can do because the "I love you's" sometimes become not an empty word but its just said excessively. Every night before you to to sleep say just 3 things that you appreciate about your spouse, wether it be something they did that day, or something of their character, big or small. The key is that it has to be 3 different things every night. gonna try that.

[rebeccajo 14]

Well, good to hear! Really!

[MichelleandCraig 1]

That's great to hear CanGal, and I fully agree with everything in your last post. I totally respect that you don't want that in your marriage, and while many here disagree with us, BOTH Craig and I feel the same way; in other words, he would be totally uncomfortable with me doing anything like that as well. Beaches, normal TV,etc etc are an entirely different story..we're not BLIND!!! Anyway, I won't clutter the thread anymore..just wanted to say really glad you worked it out and had a good conversation about it. :) M.

[gimygirl 0]

cangal ... sounds like you had a really good talk with your guy and it was full of honesty ... that is the best anyone can ask for.

thanks for sharing your story .... i'm sure you've helped a few VJ girls (maybe guys) who weren't able to share their stories out of embarrassment.

glad to hear things went so well!

[rebeccajo 14]

and i just heard this thing today on tv. A practise all couples can do because the "I love you's" sometimes become not an empty word but its just said excessively. Every night before you to to sleep say just 3 things that you appreciate about your spouse, wether it be something they did that day, or something of their character, big or small. The key is that it has to be 3 different things every night. gonna try that.

Waaaaaaaaaay back in this thread, I suggested a way of communicating with your husband. About conveying your feelings to him by asking him to recall a similar way he had been hurt.

That method was from a marriage counselling book written by Gary Smalley.

Just wanted to clarify that in case anybody thought I was being bossy.

Edited April 20, 2006 by rebeccajo

[sukie175 0]

That's great news Cangirl - I wish you both all the best

[CanGal 1]

yes and I did that though I kind of knew it already. Him and his dad have never had a really great relationship and there is just so many ins and outs of it and the summer of 2004 we both unfortunately had to experience in seeing a Huge Gas structure beam fall onto the back of his head while trying to tear the structure down with a tractor. It was the most excruciating thing I have ever had to witness and my husband was so distraut that week, it brought a lot of bad feelings out that I don't think he even knew he had or was holding inside.

[MrMrsKnight 0]

I'm glad to hear you both got to talk... all that matters is that you're both happy and comfortable in your relationship!

[CanGal 1]

hey i'm familiar with gary smalley!! He's good.

And I just want to thank everyone for all their imput and trying to help. You've all been great and I really did read all your suggestions openly. Thank you. The response was bigger than I anticipated.

[sukie175 0]

You ain't kidding!!!

[MrMrsKnight 0]

And that's how a veeeeery long thread on VJ didn't turn into a war (aka name calling)!

I'm proud of this thread actually..... it had a start, the development and the happy ending! I'm aware that it's not the ending for them because a marriage always needs maintenance, but it was the start of better times for them at least!