Am I Overreacting??

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

Let's summarize, shall we?

1 CanGirl did not know about her husband's proclivities before she married him. She has to take some ownership in that.

2 They're both Christians who belief porn and masturbating are wrong but he refuses to give it up.

3 CanGirl has two choices: stay or leave. But she's in a muddle, will probably stay, and the cycle will continue.

Did I get it right?

you forgot

4 she's snooping behind his back (but she's in denial like her husband)

Oh my gosh you're annoying. She has every right to look through her computer!! He shouldn't be looking at porn if his wife feels threatened by it. Would you say that a wife who finds empty liqour bottles in her alcoholic husbands car is snooping? Honestly, she has just as much right to see what's happening on her computer as I have a right to see what's happening on mine. Trust is important, but people shouldn't go through life with blinders on, thinking, "What I don't know won't hurt me."

I'm annoying and she's snooping. At least I'm being honest. She has every right but she is in complete denial about the snooping. DO YOU GET IT YET?

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I agree. I don't think we have it established here that she was snooping, just because you decided she was Rch. Anyway...whether she was or NOT....I agree with Frances, Christine,etc...they have talked about it before, he said he would stop, and he didn't. Whether any of you believe this is right or wrong in YOUR lives, it's not right for HER. It will continue to be a bigger and bigger problem, even if it never goes any further than what it is now, if it continues...just because she will feel he has a total disregard for her feelings....unless they at least talk about it again and decide TOGETHER what the limits are.

I also have to say that it is a GROSS overgeneralization to say that MEN are hotwired this way. Just like I find the expression(and many I know do) "typical man" or "typical woman" insulting. Each perons is an idividual and what he or she finds right/appropriate/ok/not ok is always going to vary. Please don't place labels like that on EVERY man...this doesn't come into many relationships I know including my own. I really don't want to do the TMI here but since it's been said already I want to refer to it...I'm not talking about self sex here, seeing pics of woman in bikinis on tv,etc etc etc I'm talking about actively finding something to look at. Craig isn't like that(and finds it laughable that EVERY man is supposed to be) my dad, his dad, and at least a couple of my brothers. I also have a couple of others that I can see could be into that sort of thing...and probably are. But that doesn't mean EVERYONE is...and again, like other things on here...I'm not deluded, blind, blah blah blah. That's just how it is in OUR house. Also, like Welsh cake said..I'm not saying it's wrong either if BOTH parties are cool with it..if it works for you, then great!! If it doesn't ...please don't try to make someone feel stupid for his/her feelings.(such as the OP) Individual's feelings are always valid and should be acknowledged whether anyone else around them believes they should or shouldn't be felt. M.

[ChristinaM 0]

For the sake of argument, let's call what CanGal is doing snooping. (I don't personally agree, but that's my perogative.)

Now most people don't snoop unless they have reason to be suspicious, and in most cases snooping confirms something that they knew already but needed more evidence to prove. Is it more morally bereft to snoop or to lie about something which a: you know upsets your wife and b: you promised to stop doing?

[Sister Fracas 5]

It's pointless arguing with men who are in the role of "I'm a man and I look at whatever I want, married or not...etc". I wish we'd get a different man's perspective, who may agree that they feel like looking sometimes but refrain from it in honor of their wives or in honor of other reasons whether religious, cultural, etc. That is Sujeet's perspective and a lot of my guy friends perspectives. They may feel like looking sometimes, but they don't. Not to say they never have, but they purposely try to curb those kind of things. And they don't have any weird problems wrong with them cuz of it. They have happy marriages. That kind of will power is much more appealing in my opinion than a man who can't control looking. I just wish that a guy with that perspective could have posted something.

Amen. If it's a shared computer - and he's doing it ON THAT COMPUTER it's open common property. Not snooping. Now if he had a private computer that he kept a password on to protect it and she foundthe computer and hacked the code...yes.

i should get my husband to post, Stina, as he and Sujeet seem to share that opinion.

So far the only men posting are mercuryroad, who sidestepped the issue by saying his fiancee has no insecurity issues, and Rich who...well you can see how he's handling it.

Frustrating, yes, but that's what you get on a forum like this - LIMITED perspective.

Also, like Welsh cake said..I'm not saying it's wrong either if BOTH parties are cool with it..if it works for you, then great!! If it doesn't ...please don't try to make someone feel stupid for his/her feelings.(such as the OP) Individual's feelings are always valid and should be acknowledged whether anyone else around them believes they should or shouldn't be felt. M.

Agree with you ladies.

Edited April 19, 2006 by Frances

[David&Erin_Owens 0]

Let's summarize, shall we?

1 CanGirl did not know about her husband's proclivities before she married him. She has to take some ownership in that.

2 They're both Christians who belief porn and masturbating are wrong but he refuses to give it up.

3 CanGirl has two choices: stay or leave. But she's in a muddle, will probably stay, and the cycle will continue.

Did I get it right?

you forgot

4 she's snooping behind his back (but she's in denial like her husband)

Oh my gosh you're annoying. She has every right to look through her computer!! He shouldn't be looking at porn if his wife feels threatened by it. Would you say that a wife who finds empty liqour bottles in her alcoholic husbands car is snooping? Honestly, she has just as much right to see what's happening on her computer as I have a right to see what's happening on mine. Trust is important, but people shouldn't go through life with blinders on, thinking, "What I don't know won't hurt me."

I'm annoying and she's snooping. At least I'm being honest. She has every right but she is in complete denial about the snooping. DO YOU GET IT YET?

Oh sweetie. I get it. You're wrong and you can't admit it. Just like SOOOOO many other men I know!

[chri'stina 190]

i should get my husband to post, Stina, as he and Sujeet seem to share that opinion.

Cool, and I am sure there are lots more men who would agree, but they just don't happen to post on VJ or if they do, maybe wouldn't think to open this thread since the title is not 100% clear.

[Sister Fracas 5]

i should get my husband to post, Stina, as he and Sujeet seem to share that opinion.

Cool, and I am sure there are lots more men who would agree, but they just don't happen to post on VJ or if they do, maybe wouldn't think to open this thread since the title is not 100% clear.

heh...perhaps cuz it said ladies only and they'd think it some girlie thang they REALLY would rather not get involved in.

[mercuryroad 0]

So far the only men posting are mercuryroad, who sidestepped the issue by saying his fiancee has no insecurity issues, and Rich who...well you can see how he's handling it.

I'm with a confident women who trusts me. That's not to say we both don't have our moments of insecurity but we talk about the behavior that bothered us and then it is over because we respect each other's feelings.

She's insecure, I'm insecure, we communicate and respect each other enough to change. I cannot however expect that every guy and girl is like that.

Her primary issue has been his lack of communication and doing things behind her back. That is why I suggested making him repeat things back to her to make sure he understood. At least she could get that portion of her concern delt with and it forces him to actually say the words.......it's a simple tactic for dealing with someone you do not think is listening.....child or adult.

I'm on her side on this one about him doing things when he said he wouldn't. But she should also understand that he may have no freakin clue of the magnitude of her discomfort. She already said she was terrible about talking about this stuff. If she is terrible talking about it then I imagine the conversation was not very effective or completely understood.

Make him repeat it out loud saying that you just need to know that he understands where you are coming from. This forces his participation so that he isn't hearing blah, blah, blah.

[Jenn! 918]

i should get my husband to post, Stina, as he and Sujeet seem to share that opinion.

Cool, and I am sure there are lots more men who would agree, but they just don't happen to post on VJ or if they do, maybe wouldn't think to open this thread since the title is not 100% clear.

heh...perhaps cuz it said ladies only and they'd think it some girlie thang they REALLY would rather not get involved in.

Yeah, like pink ribbons.....or tampons.

[David&Erin_Owens 0]

i should get my husband to post, Stina, as he and Sujeet seem to share that opinion.

Cool, and I am sure there are lots more men who would agree, but they just don't happen to post on VJ or if they do, maybe wouldn't think to open this thread since the title is not 100% clear.

heh...perhaps cuz it said ladies only and they'd think it some girlie thang they REALLY would rather not get involved in.

Yeah, like pink ribbons.....or tampons.

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

Let's summarize, shall we?

1 CanGirl did not know about her husband's proclivities before she married him. She has to take some ownership in that.

2 They're both Christians who belief porn and masturbating are wrong but he refuses to give it up.

3 CanGirl has two choices: stay or leave. But she's in a muddle, will probably stay, and the cycle will continue.

Did I get it right?

you forgot

4 she's snooping behind his back (but she's in denial like her husband)

Oh my gosh you're annoying. She has every right to look through her computer!! He shouldn't be looking at porn if his wife feels threatened by it. Would you say that a wife who finds empty liqour bottles in her alcoholic husbands car is snooping? Honestly, she has just as much right to see what's happening on her computer as I have a right to see what's happening on mine. Trust is important, but people shouldn't go through life with blinders on, thinking, "What I don't know won't hurt me."

I'm annoying and she's snooping. At least I'm being honest. She has every right but she is in complete denial about the snooping. DO YOU GET IT YET?

Oh sweetie. I get it. You're wrong and you can't admit it. Just like SOOOOO many other men I know!

It's just my opinion. It can't be wrong. It's an opinion. At least be honest. Most people here aren't.

Is that clear enough for you or do you want me to repeat it at a better time of the month for you?

[Sister Fracas 5]

It's just my opinion. It can't be wrong. It's an opinion. At least be honest. Most people here aren't.

Is that clear enough for you or do you want me to repeat it at a better time of the month for you?

Well THAT made your argument a whole lot stronger...d'oh!

[mercuryroad 0]

i should get my husband to post, Stina, as he and Sujeet seem to share that opinion.

Cool, and I am sure there are lots more men who would agree, but they just don't happen to post on VJ or if they do, maybe wouldn't think to open this thread since the title is not 100% clear.

You girls crack me up.....I actually am that way but also am not naive enough to think that every man is like that as well. I'm trying to offer up some perspective based on what I know.

[jelti 0]

Sorry for the 3 posts in a row - but OMG I had to comment on some of this unbelievable bullsh!t!! And I am not usually this blunt but I seriously wonder how old some of these posters are (Mrs Knight excepted) and how much real knowledge/experience they have of mens minds!!!

However, one thing I do know is that many of my male-friends (and many are single) would not agree with you. They simply have much more respect for themselves and for women than to behave this way, no matter what the world tries to program into their heads.

So you are telling us that these male friend of yours have never ever in their lives looked at such a picture alone or behind the bike sheds with their mates- yeh right. Did you ever think they might be telling you what they know you want to hear!!

A seriously wound up Sarah!!!

Whoa, Chica. Chill.

I'd appreciate it if you did not put words into my mouth. I never once said that my male friends have never once in their whole entire lives looked at teh pr0n, I simply stated that they do not behave in the way that gimygirl would have you believe to be the typical behavior of every man on this planet. Read my post again before you make assumptions, because we all know what happens when we assume.

Edited April 19, 2006 by jelti

[CarolineM 0]

this is the most fun thread on the board today. The nonsense wil continue until someone gives us a MORE FUN Thread on which to comment.

Going for page 24 now